Well....it has come to the point where I have to admit I failed miserably at this blog idea. I continued on in my list and watched EVERY single bad movie listed but did not feel I had enough time (or motivation) to write any reviews on them. They were all so disgustingly bad anyway that anything I may have said would just make you think negatively for the rest of the day, and I just did not want to inflict that pain on whoever (meaning no one) reads my blog.
Also, I felt that I had spent valuable time posting many reviews that I felt my heart just wasnt in it and no one ever read them anyway. So without further ado, this blog is discontinued. Not because I am not awesome, because I totally am, but because you guys all suck and you didnt read it and give me the motivation/encouragement I needed to continue:).
Peace OUT!
Thursday, April 7, 2011
Thursday, December 2, 2010
21st Worst Movie: Bless the Child
“Bless the Child” Starring Kim Basinger, Jimmy Smits and Rufus Sewell
Directed by Chuck Russell
Forgive Me Father, For I Have Sinned; It's Been 8 Days Since My Last Blog; Since Then, I Have Watched A Really Bad Movie...A Really Really Bad Movie
By Michele Dillon
Ahhh…Kim Basinger, my “favorite” actress in my “favorite” type of movie; horror/suspense/thriller/blah…a movie that does not know what type of movie it wants to be, if you will. Or a movie that tries to fit so many different ideas into one that it becomes un-comprehendible, if you will. Or a movie that is so horribly bad that I am really close to swearing off movies (I said CLOSE), if you will. I am beginning to think that I am a really negative person, and I am not sure if it came about from having to watch so many of these horrible movies or if its always been lingering there, waiting for me to pounce on the next easy target that came my way; that easy target being, almost every single movie on this list. Ok so here comes the part of the review where I actually have to review the movie (because if I dont, then this really wouldnt be a movie review blog...scowl).
The premise (or stupidest idea ever) of the movie is this one woman (Kim Basinger) who has a horrible sister who has a baby and a drug problem. She ditches the baby at her sister's house and so it comes to be that the woman raises her sister's child. But then some odd years later, the sister is back in the picture but she has this awful new husband who wants to take custody of the child and since technically…she is still her child, there is nothing Kim can really do…except, wait for it, fight to the death (not really) to keep the child away from the evil parents (something to do with the devil…and some kind of cult of missing children…blah, blah, blah). Are you still paying attention? Really you are? That was a bad decision on your part because you could have stopped reading at the first sentence and yet you still kept reading…maybe thinking that it was going to get better, or that I was going to make some kind of really funny joke? Well you have been failed on both parts and I only partially feel bad for you. You really should have stopped reading at the moment you saw that Kim Basinger was starring in this movie…I would have forgave you, I really would have.
Directed by Chuck Russell
Forgive Me Father, For I Have Sinned; It's Been 8 Days Since My Last Blog; Since Then, I Have Watched A Really Bad Movie...A Really Really Bad Movie
By Michele Dillon
Ahhh…Kim Basinger, my “favorite” actress in my “favorite” type of movie; horror/suspense/thriller/blah…a movie that does not know what type of movie it wants to be, if you will. Or a movie that tries to fit so many different ideas into one that it becomes un-comprehendible, if you will. Or a movie that is so horribly bad that I am really close to swearing off movies (I said CLOSE), if you will. I am beginning to think that I am a really negative person, and I am not sure if it came about from having to watch so many of these horrible movies or if its always been lingering there, waiting for me to pounce on the next easy target that came my way; that easy target being, almost every single movie on this list. Ok so here comes the part of the review where I actually have to review the movie (because if I dont, then this really wouldnt be a movie review blog...scowl).
The premise (or stupidest idea ever) of the movie is this one woman (Kim Basinger) who has a horrible sister who has a baby and a drug problem. She ditches the baby at her sister's house and so it comes to be that the woman raises her sister's child. But then some odd years later, the sister is back in the picture but she has this awful new husband who wants to take custody of the child and since technically…she is still her child, there is nothing Kim can really do…except, wait for it, fight to the death (not really) to keep the child away from the evil parents (something to do with the devil…and some kind of cult of missing children…blah, blah, blah). Are you still paying attention? Really you are? That was a bad decision on your part because you could have stopped reading at the first sentence and yet you still kept reading…maybe thinking that it was going to get better, or that I was going to make some kind of really funny joke? Well you have been failed on both parts and I only partially feel bad for you. You really should have stopped reading at the moment you saw that Kim Basinger was starring in this movie…I would have forgave you, I really would have.
Wednesday, November 24, 2010
22nd Worst Movie: Son of the Mask
“Son of the Mask” Starring Jamie Kennedy, Alan Cumming and Traylor Howard
Directed by Lawrence Guterman
Son of the Boring Movie That Never Ends
By Michele Dillon
I don’t remember ever feeling the need for them to make a sequel to the movie The Mask, especially not one that doesn’t include Jim Carrey (the person who carried the original movie). I don’t even know if this can technically qualify as a sequel since really the only idea that they took from the original was the whole “mask turns you into evil/crazy type thing”. Everything else was an over abundance of unnecessary plot lines. I guess that is what you can expect from the same director of Cats and Dogs. After researching him on IMDB, I came to discover that Son of the Mask was only his fourth directed movie (and his last since 2005). Poor Lawrence, production companies probably stopped taking a leap of faith for him after this movie probably tanked. I can only imagine it did, although I did not look up the specific numbers.
I’m really surprised that Jaime Kennedy is even still an actor since he can’t, well, act. I can say that he does better with comedy than drama but not by much. I know that I speak more of the actors and the directors and the screenplay more than I do about the actual movie itself, but really when you are watching a movie this horrific, that’s all you can do. You can’t really look at the cinematography or the special effects or any of those sorts of things because they are practically non existent. I am trying my hardest here to actually like ONE of these movies. So far I believe the count is 2/78 watched so far…give or take. I really don’t think those are good odds unless the last 21 movies end up being amazing…I’ll keep you posted.
Directed by Lawrence Guterman
Son of the Boring Movie That Never Ends
By Michele Dillon
I don’t remember ever feeling the need for them to make a sequel to the movie The Mask, especially not one that doesn’t include Jim Carrey (the person who carried the original movie). I don’t even know if this can technically qualify as a sequel since really the only idea that they took from the original was the whole “mask turns you into evil/crazy type thing”. Everything else was an over abundance of unnecessary plot lines. I guess that is what you can expect from the same director of Cats and Dogs. After researching him on IMDB, I came to discover that Son of the Mask was only his fourth directed movie (and his last since 2005). Poor Lawrence, production companies probably stopped taking a leap of faith for him after this movie probably tanked. I can only imagine it did, although I did not look up the specific numbers.
I’m really surprised that Jaime Kennedy is even still an actor since he can’t, well, act. I can say that he does better with comedy than drama but not by much. I know that I speak more of the actors and the directors and the screenplay more than I do about the actual movie itself, but really when you are watching a movie this horrific, that’s all you can do. You can’t really look at the cinematography or the special effects or any of those sorts of things because they are practically non existent. I am trying my hardest here to actually like ONE of these movies. So far I believe the count is 2/78 watched so far…give or take. I really don’t think those are good odds unless the last 21 movies end up being amazing…I’ll keep you posted.
Tuesday, November 23, 2010
23rd Worst Movie: Fear Dot Com
“Fear Dot Com” Starring Stephen Dorff, Stephen Rea and Natasha McElhone
Directed by William Malone
Fear Dot Wrong
By Michele Dillon
I don’t think that it’s a coincidence that most of the movies on this list are scary/horror movies. The reason for that being 1.) They are way over made (seriously, think of something else Hollywood!) and 2.) Rarely is enough time spent on the storyline and the script, it’s like they feel that as long as they can make people jump, we won’t realize that none of the movie makes sense. Well guess what? *I* do! If not anyone else out there who pays attention to the plot and how it connects (or disconnects in most cases) then there is at least me. Yes, this may get me to be deemed as overly critical or “lame” but what is a girl to do with her time, other than rethink and rethink the plot of a movie right after she has watched it? I am a little crazy, I will admit that, not everyone really cares about all the miniscule things that I do when it comes to movies (such as that person is wearing a different shirt in the same scene), but really, there are some things that are so blatantly forgotten that I wonder how other people do not pick up on it (or care about it at least). To get on with the actual review of the movie, I guess we will first need to pick apart the very essence of the idea (if you even want to call it that). The premise of this movie is that people are dying because they logged on to a certain website (feardotcom.com), and Stephen Dorff (Detective Mike Reilly) must discover the reason why. Hmm, sounds promising, except for the fact that it doesn’t. I may not be the smartest tool in the shed, but this movie isn’t supposed to be considered fantasy, it’s horror, so in my opinion it must be believable in some aspect, which it is not…unless any time soon I may possibly die because I logged into amazon.com. Seriously? THIS is what is passing for entertainment? First of all, when is the last time that you have ever considered Dorff to be something of a good actor? And second of all, why did I watch this? Why did ANYONE watch this? Why did this come to the theatres at all? I am just dumbfounded by what passes as a movie then and even now (seeming how Hollywood has only produced one original movie idea-Inception-this whole entire year, everything else has been a remake of an old film, a remake of a foreign film or an adaptation from book to movie, or an adaptation from comic book to movie…well you get the idea). Anyway, I think it is pretty clear that this movie did not cut it in my opinion. Can we move on?
Directed by William Malone
Fear Dot Wrong
By Michele Dillon
I don’t think that it’s a coincidence that most of the movies on this list are scary/horror movies. The reason for that being 1.) They are way over made (seriously, think of something else Hollywood!) and 2.) Rarely is enough time spent on the storyline and the script, it’s like they feel that as long as they can make people jump, we won’t realize that none of the movie makes sense. Well guess what? *I* do! If not anyone else out there who pays attention to the plot and how it connects (or disconnects in most cases) then there is at least me. Yes, this may get me to be deemed as overly critical or “lame” but what is a girl to do with her time, other than rethink and rethink the plot of a movie right after she has watched it? I am a little crazy, I will admit that, not everyone really cares about all the miniscule things that I do when it comes to movies (such as that person is wearing a different shirt in the same scene), but really, there are some things that are so blatantly forgotten that I wonder how other people do not pick up on it (or care about it at least). To get on with the actual review of the movie, I guess we will first need to pick apart the very essence of the idea (if you even want to call it that). The premise of this movie is that people are dying because they logged on to a certain website (feardotcom.com), and Stephen Dorff (Detective Mike Reilly) must discover the reason why. Hmm, sounds promising, except for the fact that it doesn’t. I may not be the smartest tool in the shed, but this movie isn’t supposed to be considered fantasy, it’s horror, so in my opinion it must be believable in some aspect, which it is not…unless any time soon I may possibly die because I logged into amazon.com. Seriously? THIS is what is passing for entertainment? First of all, when is the last time that you have ever considered Dorff to be something of a good actor? And second of all, why did I watch this? Why did ANYONE watch this? Why did this come to the theatres at all? I am just dumbfounded by what passes as a movie then and even now (seeming how Hollywood has only produced one original movie idea-Inception-this whole entire year, everything else has been a remake of an old film, a remake of a foreign film or an adaptation from book to movie, or an adaptation from comic book to movie…well you get the idea). Anyway, I think it is pretty clear that this movie did not cut it in my opinion. Can we move on?
Wednesday, September 15, 2010
24th Worst Movie: Happily N’Ever After
“Happily N’Ever After” Starring Sarah Michelle Gellar, Freddie Prinze Jr. and George Carlin
Directed by Paul Bolger and Yvette Kaplan
Happily Always After
By Michele Dillon
Oh my goodness…why do I even have to review this movie? I think it is going to be pretty self explanatory that it is going to be a horrible movie because…
Things That Are Ironic/Dumb About This Movie
1.) It claims to not have a happy ending from the title…but it still has a happy ending.
2.) Sarah Michelle Gellar and Freddie Prinze Jr. play the two love interests (p.s. they are married in real life, just in case you didn’t know).
3.) Its a kids movie, why does it even need to be critiqued? Unless it’s Yu Gi Oh, I have no qualms against kid movies but I am not going to generally enjoy them unless they have adult like material in them as well (aka Shrek).
3.) Its basic plot is just another twist on the story of Cinderella; I am so sick and tired of people trying to remake the story into how they want it to play out…it’s stupid!
And Michele lived depressingly ever after (after having to watch this movie)
THE END
Directed by Paul Bolger and Yvette Kaplan
Happily Always After
By Michele Dillon
Oh my goodness…why do I even have to review this movie? I think it is going to be pretty self explanatory that it is going to be a horrible movie because…
Things That Are Ironic/Dumb About This Movie
1.) It claims to not have a happy ending from the title…but it still has a happy ending.
2.) Sarah Michelle Gellar and Freddie Prinze Jr. play the two love interests (p.s. they are married in real life, just in case you didn’t know).
3.) Its a kids movie, why does it even need to be critiqued? Unless it’s Yu Gi Oh, I have no qualms against kid movies but I am not going to generally enjoy them unless they have adult like material in them as well (aka Shrek).
3.) Its basic plot is just another twist on the story of Cinderella; I am so sick and tired of people trying to remake the story into how they want it to play out…it’s stupid!
And Michele lived depressingly ever after (after having to watch this movie)
THE END
25th Worst Movie: Down To You
"Down To You"
Starring Julia Stiles, Freddie Prinze Jr. and Selma Blair
Directed by Kris Isaccsson
Down To The Nitty Gritty
Michele Dillon
In case you are on the edge of your seat wondering what the nitty gritty is, I will tell you: the nitty gritty is where I would rather have been than watching this movie. To have to watch a movie with Julia Stiles AND Freddie Prinze Jr., I didn’t think that I would survive, let alone be able to make it through the opening 15 minutes. I LOATHE Julia Stiles. Sometimes I sit up at night wondering how someone like her could have gotten in the acting business. Let’s look at the facts here. 1.) She can’t act, so logically you would think that she would have to be good looking, 2.) She is not good looking, so logically you would think she might have to have big boobs or a good body, 3.) She does not have big boobs or a nice body, so naturally you would think that if she doesn’t have those three things that there is only one option for her to have broken into the movie biz and that would be 4.) She slept with someone really powerful and that has a fetish for sleeping with girls with bags over their head.
Ok, ok, I will stop ragging on Julia Stiles for the moment and start talking about the movie itself. Um, no, in case you were wondering, I do NOT like it when actors talk directly into the camera as if they are telling the story to someone (not to be confused with documentary style sitcom filming of The Office or Parks and Recreation…completely different dynamic and works well). This was not done documentary style, it was done in the style of the director thinking “I don’t want to do voice over with two different people, and I don’t want to film scenes that we have to make lots of sets for so my only option is to put them both in front of the camera to talk for ¾ of the movie”. If you ever want to see someone barf into their own mouth, then you should have been there while I was watching this. The worst part is, the movie left a worst aftertaste in my mouth than the barfing did. I really don’t think anything else better than that can describe the train wreck that is this movie and everything about it so I think that I will leave you with that. I’m really sorry but the puke taste is coming back just thinking about it.
Starring Julia Stiles, Freddie Prinze Jr. and Selma Blair
Directed by Kris Isaccsson
Down To The Nitty Gritty
Michele Dillon
In case you are on the edge of your seat wondering what the nitty gritty is, I will tell you: the nitty gritty is where I would rather have been than watching this movie. To have to watch a movie with Julia Stiles AND Freddie Prinze Jr., I didn’t think that I would survive, let alone be able to make it through the opening 15 minutes. I LOATHE Julia Stiles. Sometimes I sit up at night wondering how someone like her could have gotten in the acting business. Let’s look at the facts here. 1.) She can’t act, so logically you would think that she would have to be good looking, 2.) She is not good looking, so logically you would think she might have to have big boobs or a good body, 3.) She does not have big boobs or a nice body, so naturally you would think that if she doesn’t have those three things that there is only one option for her to have broken into the movie biz and that would be 4.) She slept with someone really powerful and that has a fetish for sleeping with girls with bags over their head.
Ok, ok, I will stop ragging on Julia Stiles for the moment and start talking about the movie itself. Um, no, in case you were wondering, I do NOT like it when actors talk directly into the camera as if they are telling the story to someone (not to be confused with documentary style sitcom filming of The Office or Parks and Recreation…completely different dynamic and works well). This was not done documentary style, it was done in the style of the director thinking “I don’t want to do voice over with two different people, and I don’t want to film scenes that we have to make lots of sets for so my only option is to put them both in front of the camera to talk for ¾ of the movie”. If you ever want to see someone barf into their own mouth, then you should have been there while I was watching this. The worst part is, the movie left a worst aftertaste in my mouth than the barfing did. I really don’t think anything else better than that can describe the train wreck that is this movie and everything about it so I think that I will leave you with that. I’m really sorry but the puke taste is coming back just thinking about it.
26th Worst Movie: House of the Dead
“House of the Dead”
Starring Jonathan Cherry, Tyron Leitso and Clint Howard
Directed by Uwe Boll
House of the Dead Faces
By Michele Dillon
When I looked at this movie title, I almost forgot what movie this was. It was completely not memorable in any aspect. For the most part, the movie was funny…but I don’t think it meant to be. What was funny about it was that we are expected to believe that these teenagers who were going to a rave are just automatically bad-ass and they know how to use guns and do karate…it just didn’t seem plausible. On top of all that, the actors were hilarious. Trying to decipher which emotion they were trying to portray nearly took all my energy and I didn’t have time to pay attention to the plot. Or maybe, I just didn’t want to pay attention to the plot since it was lacking. Lacking a good script, lacking good actors, lacking a believable set and lacking anybody good looking (which is usually supposed to make up for the horrible horror movie you decided to watch).
If I am to watch a scary movie, I can usually except a few jumps here and there due to the unexpected events that occur. I don’t remember jumping once. So if this was supposed to be a scary movie, what did it have going for it? The fact that it has a creepy title? The really ugly but not realistic looking prosthetic zombie faces? I find it hard to believe that anyone in their right mind would think they could make this into something wonderful. But yet again, if your parents name you Uwe, you might be expected to not be in your right mind.
Starring Jonathan Cherry, Tyron Leitso and Clint Howard
Directed by Uwe Boll
House of the Dead Faces
By Michele Dillon
When I looked at this movie title, I almost forgot what movie this was. It was completely not memorable in any aspect. For the most part, the movie was funny…but I don’t think it meant to be. What was funny about it was that we are expected to believe that these teenagers who were going to a rave are just automatically bad-ass and they know how to use guns and do karate…it just didn’t seem plausible. On top of all that, the actors were hilarious. Trying to decipher which emotion they were trying to portray nearly took all my energy and I didn’t have time to pay attention to the plot. Or maybe, I just didn’t want to pay attention to the plot since it was lacking. Lacking a good script, lacking good actors, lacking a believable set and lacking anybody good looking (which is usually supposed to make up for the horrible horror movie you decided to watch).
If I am to watch a scary movie, I can usually except a few jumps here and there due to the unexpected events that occur. I don’t remember jumping once. So if this was supposed to be a scary movie, what did it have going for it? The fact that it has a creepy title? The really ugly but not realistic looking prosthetic zombie faces? I find it hard to believe that anyone in their right mind would think they could make this into something wonderful. But yet again, if your parents name you Uwe, you might be expected to not be in your right mind.
27th Worst Movie: The In Crowd
"The In Crowd"
Starring Susan Ward, Lori Heuring and Matthew Settle
Directed by Mary Lambert
The Lame Crowd
By Michele Dillon
It seems like this movie could have had a lot of potential. If they just tweaked the script a little, recast all the actors, possibly found a different director and made it a high budget film…it probably could have been a flop in the box office instead of a flop on the straight to DVD. Actually, I am really not sure if this movie came to theatres since it was a while ago that it was made but I can’t imagine that this would have made it to the big screen. But who knows, they bring lots of horrible movies to the big screen and nominate the horrible actors for Oscars from them all the time (Happy Go Lucky anyone?).
Let’s just go right into it. A girl who has had some psychiatric problems is allowed to work at a high class country club in order to get her life back in order. She starts to become friends with the most popular girl from the country club until things turn for the nasty. She discovers secrets about the girl, secrets that could mean there was a murder that happened in the town that no one even knows about. Oooo, suspenseful right? Not really, they spent so much time drawing out scenes that were unnecessary and trying to build suspense in places that it made no sense that by the time anything was revealed that was supposed to be a shock, it wasn’t. I watch enough movies to pay attention to foreshadowing. In this movie, I don’t even think you could call it that because you saw everything coming from 50 miles away (now, that’s good eyesight). I just don’t know how else to explain this movie, other than “it was lame”.
Starring Susan Ward, Lori Heuring and Matthew Settle
Directed by Mary Lambert
The Lame Crowd
By Michele Dillon
It seems like this movie could have had a lot of potential. If they just tweaked the script a little, recast all the actors, possibly found a different director and made it a high budget film…it probably could have been a flop in the box office instead of a flop on the straight to DVD. Actually, I am really not sure if this movie came to theatres since it was a while ago that it was made but I can’t imagine that this would have made it to the big screen. But who knows, they bring lots of horrible movies to the big screen and nominate the horrible actors for Oscars from them all the time (Happy Go Lucky anyone?).
Let’s just go right into it. A girl who has had some psychiatric problems is allowed to work at a high class country club in order to get her life back in order. She starts to become friends with the most popular girl from the country club until things turn for the nasty. She discovers secrets about the girl, secrets that could mean there was a murder that happened in the town that no one even knows about. Oooo, suspenseful right? Not really, they spent so much time drawing out scenes that were unnecessary and trying to build suspense in places that it made no sense that by the time anything was revealed that was supposed to be a shock, it wasn’t. I watch enough movies to pay attention to foreshadowing. In this movie, I don’t even think you could call it that because you saw everything coming from 50 miles away (now, that’s good eyesight). I just don’t know how else to explain this movie, other than “it was lame”.
28th Worst Movie: Darkness
“Darkness” Starring Anna Paquin, Lena Olin and Iain Glen
Directed by Jaume Balaguero
I Want To Be Back In The Light
By Michele Dillon
I came to a realization during this movie: Anna Paquin can’t act! I never really noticed it before because she has only been a few movies that I have enjoyed and those all include the X-Men series. I just thought that everybody in that movie was having a bad acting experience because those types of movies are really just focused on the action rather than anything else and if they are pulled off right then it doesn’t matter. But put Anna Paquin in a non action movie with a really bad script, and you can totally see her dreadful acting.
It took this movie a long time to get started. There would be a normal scene and Paquin would be talking about how she thinks something weird is going on and then there would be a flash of a kid standing in the dark and then it would move on. Then it would almost repeat the same scene again but nothing major would happen. Then in the last 15 minutes everything happened in full speed and I was on the edge of my seat…ready to turn the DVD off. I’m a pretty easily scared person. I am actually pretty certain that if I were to star in a scary movie, there would be no need for fake screaming. However, this movie was very likely one of the un-scariest movies I have ever seen.
The story of the movie is this family that moves to Spain (for a reason that was never explained). Once they are moved in, weird things start to happen. Paquin’s little brother wakes up with bruises on his body and her dad starts up with his fits again (something called Harrington syndrome which they thought he was cured). Whenever Paquin tells her mother about these things, she just dismisses it and tells her it’s nothing to worry about (since when did a mother never care that her own son has bruises all over himself?). Paquin takes things in her own hands and researches the history of the house along with a friend of hers. She finds out that 40 years ago some kind of occult was happening and 7 children had gone missing and were never found. I don’t want to give away any more of the movie because it was just too amazing and I want you to find out for yourself (looks like I could be in a movie about sarcasm too!)
Directed by Jaume Balaguero
I Want To Be Back In The Light
By Michele Dillon
I came to a realization during this movie: Anna Paquin can’t act! I never really noticed it before because she has only been a few movies that I have enjoyed and those all include the X-Men series. I just thought that everybody in that movie was having a bad acting experience because those types of movies are really just focused on the action rather than anything else and if they are pulled off right then it doesn’t matter. But put Anna Paquin in a non action movie with a really bad script, and you can totally see her dreadful acting.
It took this movie a long time to get started. There would be a normal scene and Paquin would be talking about how she thinks something weird is going on and then there would be a flash of a kid standing in the dark and then it would move on. Then it would almost repeat the same scene again but nothing major would happen. Then in the last 15 minutes everything happened in full speed and I was on the edge of my seat…ready to turn the DVD off. I’m a pretty easily scared person. I am actually pretty certain that if I were to star in a scary movie, there would be no need for fake screaming. However, this movie was very likely one of the un-scariest movies I have ever seen.
The story of the movie is this family that moves to Spain (for a reason that was never explained). Once they are moved in, weird things start to happen. Paquin’s little brother wakes up with bruises on his body and her dad starts up with his fits again (something called Harrington syndrome which they thought he was cured). Whenever Paquin tells her mother about these things, she just dismisses it and tells her it’s nothing to worry about (since when did a mother never care that her own son has bruises all over himself?). Paquin takes things in her own hands and researches the history of the house along with a friend of hers. She finds out that 40 years ago some kind of occult was happening and 7 children had gone missing and were never found. I don’t want to give away any more of the movie because it was just too amazing and I want you to find out for yourself (looks like I could be in a movie about sarcasm too!)
29th Worst Movie: My Baby’s Daddy
“My Baby’s Daddy” Starring Eddie Griffin, Anthony Anderson and Michael Imperioli
Directed by Cheryl Dunye
My Baby’s Really Horrible Daddy
By Michele Dillon
This movie was so bad that I was really dreading writing this blog. I kept thinking that I could ignore it but then realized that if I don’t post this one than I won’t get to post the movie next in line and then I will never finish this blog ever. I’m mostly finishing this for my own sake. There isn’t anyone hanging on my every word or anything, but I feel like I put myself through watching all these horrible movies that I have to actually follow through with it. This movie is a case in example of how horrified I would feel if I watched it for no reason. Why else would I put myself through it? For one thing, I am so sick of Anthony Anderson that if I see him in one more movie, I might have to track him down and cut his tongue out so he may never speak let only act again. What is with his high pitched voice? It’s always got a tinge of annoyance in it, like he is going to complain about something so you better get ready. It’s no mistake that he was in a lot of movies on this Worst list. He is one of the WORST actors ever. How he was allowed to be a part of a Law and Order series, I will never know.
So do I really have to talk about this movie? I feel like any more of my involvement may lead to me disliking all future movies I may watch. But oh all right, I guess if I am supposed to review it, I’ll spew my ghastly opinion of this movie…I’ll vomit the words right on to the page.
This movie was about three friends who are in their 30’s (that’s being kind) who still live with one of their family members and have parties all the time and treat women like they are just pieces of ass/meat (to be fair, the women let them, but very unbelievably because these men are not good looking in the least). All three of them manage to impregnate the women that they have in their lives at the time, all at the same time. So now (supposedly) they are supposed to grow up and be dads. But predictably, they are horrible at it and they are still just selfish men who want to do whatever they want. As the movies progresses, of course, they start to learn lessons, go through very unfunny (but I’m assuming they are supposed to be funny) situations with the baby and in the end understand what it means to be a father (unsurprisingly).
I don’t understand where the humor was supposed to be anywhere in this film. I did not laugh once. I cringed about a thousand times. I wanted to pee my pants from the idiocy. Never once have I ever felt the urge to pee because of senselessness…not once. I didn’t even think it was possible and I don’t even know what it means; I just know that my bladder was so compelled to be away from this movie that it felt the need to become full so as to make me leave the room for even just one blissful minute. I did not feel the need to press pause because I knew where the movie was going and I didn’t like it. I did, however, feel the need to press stop the second the screen turned black for the credits to roll.
Directed by Cheryl Dunye
My Baby’s Really Horrible Daddy
By Michele Dillon
This movie was so bad that I was really dreading writing this blog. I kept thinking that I could ignore it but then realized that if I don’t post this one than I won’t get to post the movie next in line and then I will never finish this blog ever. I’m mostly finishing this for my own sake. There isn’t anyone hanging on my every word or anything, but I feel like I put myself through watching all these horrible movies that I have to actually follow through with it. This movie is a case in example of how horrified I would feel if I watched it for no reason. Why else would I put myself through it? For one thing, I am so sick of Anthony Anderson that if I see him in one more movie, I might have to track him down and cut his tongue out so he may never speak let only act again. What is with his high pitched voice? It’s always got a tinge of annoyance in it, like he is going to complain about something so you better get ready. It’s no mistake that he was in a lot of movies on this Worst list. He is one of the WORST actors ever. How he was allowed to be a part of a Law and Order series, I will never know.
So do I really have to talk about this movie? I feel like any more of my involvement may lead to me disliking all future movies I may watch. But oh all right, I guess if I am supposed to review it, I’ll spew my ghastly opinion of this movie…I’ll vomit the words right on to the page.
This movie was about three friends who are in their 30’s (that’s being kind) who still live with one of their family members and have parties all the time and treat women like they are just pieces of ass/meat (to be fair, the women let them, but very unbelievably because these men are not good looking in the least). All three of them manage to impregnate the women that they have in their lives at the time, all at the same time. So now (supposedly) they are supposed to grow up and be dads. But predictably, they are horrible at it and they are still just selfish men who want to do whatever they want. As the movies progresses, of course, they start to learn lessons, go through very unfunny (but I’m assuming they are supposed to be funny) situations with the baby and in the end understand what it means to be a father (unsurprisingly).
I don’t understand where the humor was supposed to be anywhere in this film. I did not laugh once. I cringed about a thousand times. I wanted to pee my pants from the idiocy. Never once have I ever felt the urge to pee because of senselessness…not once. I didn’t even think it was possible and I don’t even know what it means; I just know that my bladder was so compelled to be away from this movie that it felt the need to become full so as to make me leave the room for even just one blissful minute. I did not feel the need to press pause because I knew where the movie was going and I didn’t like it. I did, however, feel the need to press stop the second the screen turned black for the credits to roll.
Monday, July 12, 2010
30th Worst Movie: The Mod Squad
“The Mod Squad” Starring Claire Danes, Giovanni Ribisi and Omar Epps
Directed by Scott Silver
The Moderately Ok
By Michele Dillon
I have to admit that I am not quite sure why this movie is so far down on the list and so close to being deemed as bad as BloodRayne! I will say that it is not nearly as bad as BloodRayne but cannot be taken off the list entirely…it should be correctly placed somewhere near Catwoman, which really…even though is much higher on the list, who wants to be next to Catwoman?
It seems like this same plotline comes back around about every 10 years but just slightly different. Three teens who are constantly getting into trouble, but are really good at getting away with it, get arrested by a cop who decides to give them a second chance…he hires them to be “undercover type” cops to try and get to a much bigger problem in the city. They have to do this for a certain amount of time and then there records will be expunged. What seems like an excellent and easy way to get out of jail for the three teens quickly turns into something bigger when their father figure cop gets murdered and it seems to be a cover up. So as to not divulge any further secrets of the movie, I will not describe the plot any further but will explain, in my opinion, that it was decent. Decent in the only way a movie on the worst list can be.
Claire Danes was a 90’s favorite teen actress but since has seemed to disappear from the map entirely. Which is a shame because she was just starting to get semi-good at the art of acting. Another 10 years on her belt and she might have even been considered a great actress. I could say that my love for Giovanni Ribisi made it easier to enjoy the movie, which could be true on some level but I also know that Giovanni is into scientology so a movie that is bad cannot be overlooked even though I think he is amazing. Omar Epps can just stop acting as of this moment for all I care because he has never made me believe his character in anything I’ve seen him in and it seems like he just plays the same one every time anyway…a dick.
So that pretty much sums up The Mod Squad…I just realized that I didn’t make any witty comments throughout the entire review…I must be losing my touch.
Monkey Balls!! (Was that better?)
Directed by Scott Silver
The Moderately Ok
By Michele Dillon
I have to admit that I am not quite sure why this movie is so far down on the list and so close to being deemed as bad as BloodRayne! I will say that it is not nearly as bad as BloodRayne but cannot be taken off the list entirely…it should be correctly placed somewhere near Catwoman, which really…even though is much higher on the list, who wants to be next to Catwoman?
It seems like this same plotline comes back around about every 10 years but just slightly different. Three teens who are constantly getting into trouble, but are really good at getting away with it, get arrested by a cop who decides to give them a second chance…he hires them to be “undercover type” cops to try and get to a much bigger problem in the city. They have to do this for a certain amount of time and then there records will be expunged. What seems like an excellent and easy way to get out of jail for the three teens quickly turns into something bigger when their father figure cop gets murdered and it seems to be a cover up. So as to not divulge any further secrets of the movie, I will not describe the plot any further but will explain, in my opinion, that it was decent. Decent in the only way a movie on the worst list can be.
Claire Danes was a 90’s favorite teen actress but since has seemed to disappear from the map entirely. Which is a shame because she was just starting to get semi-good at the art of acting. Another 10 years on her belt and she might have even been considered a great actress. I could say that my love for Giovanni Ribisi made it easier to enjoy the movie, which could be true on some level but I also know that Giovanni is into scientology so a movie that is bad cannot be overlooked even though I think he is amazing. Omar Epps can just stop acting as of this moment for all I care because he has never made me believe his character in anything I’ve seen him in and it seems like he just plays the same one every time anyway…a dick.
So that pretty much sums up The Mod Squad…I just realized that I didn’t make any witty comments throughout the entire review…I must be losing my touch.
Monkey Balls!! (Was that better?)
Friday, June 25, 2010
31st Worst Movie: Soul Survivors
“Soul Survivors” Starring Melissa Sagemiller, Casey Affleck and Eliza Dushku
Directed by Stephen Carpenter
Right now I am only about 15 minutes into this movie and I am already asking myself, why the hell am I watching this? Also, another thought that is crossing my mind is that Eliza Dushku only plays stupid sluts in all her movies….but that’s another review all together (not to be completely ruled out to make fun of later in this review however).
I’m deciding whether or not I want to write a play by play assessment of this movie but it is so freaking boring that I don’t even know if I could write that much stuff about it other than 500 ways to say that “this is so dumb”.
Do you want to even know what this movie is about? Ok, I will tell you. It starts out with these weird guys in masks who are killing. Then it goes to these teenagers who are going off to college and they are partying on their last night. Then they are driving and I am sure they are drunk and they get into an accident and one of them dies and then from there the movie is just weird and I don’t even understand the point. The one thing that does stick out however, throughout the entire movie, Melissa’s character is running in every scene. And let me tell you, she does not run very well either. Kind of like a chicken with its head cut off. I didn’t start to notice it until about 30 minutes into the movie; otherwise I would have made a tally of how many times she ran. It wasn’t even at times she really needed to run. One scene, she is running to catch up with her friend after class (not necessary), another scene she is running for no apparent reason that I could even see (not necessary), and another scene she is running away from people chasing her (OK, I would say, that one was necessary). So really, this movie should have been called “Sole Survivors” cause I was so distracted by all the running that I didn’t even understand the ending…or is it that the ending just didn’t make sense? It could be either one or both…I guess we will never know.
Directed by Stephen Carpenter
Right now I am only about 15 minutes into this movie and I am already asking myself, why the hell am I watching this? Also, another thought that is crossing my mind is that Eliza Dushku only plays stupid sluts in all her movies….but that’s another review all together (not to be completely ruled out to make fun of later in this review however).
I’m deciding whether or not I want to write a play by play assessment of this movie but it is so freaking boring that I don’t even know if I could write that much stuff about it other than 500 ways to say that “this is so dumb”.
Do you want to even know what this movie is about? Ok, I will tell you. It starts out with these weird guys in masks who are killing. Then it goes to these teenagers who are going off to college and they are partying on their last night. Then they are driving and I am sure they are drunk and they get into an accident and one of them dies and then from there the movie is just weird and I don’t even understand the point. The one thing that does stick out however, throughout the entire movie, Melissa’s character is running in every scene. And let me tell you, she does not run very well either. Kind of like a chicken with its head cut off. I didn’t start to notice it until about 30 minutes into the movie; otherwise I would have made a tally of how many times she ran. It wasn’t even at times she really needed to run. One scene, she is running to catch up with her friend after class (not necessary), another scene she is running for no apparent reason that I could even see (not necessary), and another scene she is running away from people chasing her (OK, I would say, that one was necessary). So really, this movie should have been called “Sole Survivors” cause I was so distracted by all the running that I didn’t even understand the ending…or is it that the ending just didn’t make sense? It could be either one or both…I guess we will never know.
32nd Worst Movie: BloodRayne
“BloodRayne” Starring Kristanna Loken, Michael Madsen and Matthew Davis
Directed by Uwe Boll
Bloody Hell
By Michele Dillon
One word can be used to describe this movie…one word only….DISGUSTING!
Directed by Uwe Boll
Bloody Hell
By Michele Dillon
One word can be used to describe this movie…one word only….DISGUSTING!
Wednesday, June 23, 2010
33rd Worst Movie: Texas Rangers
“Texas Rangers” Starring James Van Der Beek, Rachael Leigh Cook and Ashton Kutcher
Directed by Steve Miner
Texas Whiners
By Michele Dillon
I thought that this movie might not be too bad because I really like Rachael Leigh Cook, however, come to find out, she was only in the movie for like 4 minutes total. And for the rest of the 86 minutes I had to watch Ashton Kutchur (before he discovered that he can act without shouting) and James Van Der Beek (which frankly, I will never understand how he became an actor…especially with that horrible hair) attempt to be believable as country men who become rangers (or cops on horses, if you will).
I don’t even want to attempt to explain the plot of this movie because there really wasn’t one. Other than shooting and missing shooting and than the person who was the worst shooter ends up being the best and taking over for the dying captain…or whatever. Bore fest! I want to be able to say that more than one of these movies don’t belong on this list, but so far I’ve only been able to name one (The Skulls). So since this movie was so boring I am just going to make a list of James Van Der Beek movies and than rate them cause that sounds more fun/interesting right now than talking about this movie (SHUT UP! I can do what I want!).
James Van Der Beek Movies
1.) Varsity Blues: 2/5
2.) Texas Rangers: 1/5
3.) The Rules of Attraction: 1/5
4.) How I Met Your Mother: 5/5 (Yes, not a movie…but I have to say this is the only thing I have seen him in where I thought he did a good job)
Directed by Steve Miner
Texas Whiners
By Michele Dillon
I thought that this movie might not be too bad because I really like Rachael Leigh Cook, however, come to find out, she was only in the movie for like 4 minutes total. And for the rest of the 86 minutes I had to watch Ashton Kutchur (before he discovered that he can act without shouting) and James Van Der Beek (which frankly, I will never understand how he became an actor…especially with that horrible hair) attempt to be believable as country men who become rangers (or cops on horses, if you will).
I don’t even want to attempt to explain the plot of this movie because there really wasn’t one. Other than shooting and missing shooting and than the person who was the worst shooter ends up being the best and taking over for the dying captain…or whatever. Bore fest! I want to be able to say that more than one of these movies don’t belong on this list, but so far I’ve only been able to name one (The Skulls). So since this movie was so boring I am just going to make a list of James Van Der Beek movies and than rate them cause that sounds more fun/interesting right now than talking about this movie (SHUT UP! I can do what I want!).
James Van Der Beek Movies
1.) Varsity Blues: 2/5
2.) Texas Rangers: 1/5
3.) The Rules of Attraction: 1/5
4.) How I Met Your Mother: 5/5 (Yes, not a movie…but I have to say this is the only thing I have seen him in where I thought he did a good job)
Tuesday, June 22, 2010
34th Worst Movie: Because I Said So
“Because I Said So” Starring Mandy Moore, Diane Keaton and Lauren Graham
Directed by Michael Lehmann
Because I Killed Myself
By Michele Dillon
(You guys may be wondering why there is a big blank space above this…it is because; as you can see from the title of this review…I killed myself. I was able to get my ghost to reincarnate herself into an animate object so she should type this portion (you may also be wondering why if its my ghost writing this, why is she taking in first person like its actually me…we will get to that later). So it is now, where I will tell you the story of why I killed myself. It should be pretty obvious if you have even attempted to watch this movie, I can’t think of anyone in their right mind who would ever voluntarily put themselves through watching this movie in full (well besides me of course). So in memory of myself, I am going to make one of my famous lists…
Lists Of Reasons Why I Felt The Need To Kill Myself (Even Though I Had A Really Good Long Life Ahead Of Me….And I Was Pretty Sure I Was Gonna Be Really Rich And Famous…And Pretty….Oooh, Oooh And Famous…Oh Wait I Already Said That)
1.) Diane Keaton’s voice and her constant complaining!
2.) Mandy Moore…that’s it…just Mandy Moore…does anyone really need a specific reason to not like Mandy Moore? (Just in case you do, I will give you one…she can’t act)
3.) The horrible….barf in my own mouth…script! I do not understand! How do these people look at these scripts and think “This will be an amazing movie! And you know what would make it even more amazing? If we casted horrible actors!”(Diana Keaton would probably be the only actress in this movie that is not horrible but just ended up doing a horrible job in the movie)
4.) The premise of the movie was about a mom who wanted to hook up her daughter with someone so she posted an ad online and behind the daughter’s back would hold the meetings with them and have them pretend to go meet her on accident…what kind of daughter loving mother would do that?! (Kind of like, what life loving bee would sting you? Which by the way, did you know that Wasps don’t die after they sting you? And they are the huge scary ones! What kind of stupid messed up sh** is that?)
5.) I could go on to write down every single director, producer, actor, co-producer, writer, co-writer of this movie but my ghost really does not have much more time left…a rhinoceros probably wasn’t the best thing to come back as…they have borderline ADD and I am really wondering how she was even able to type this with their gigantic feet/hands/paws…whatever you call them.
Oh and remember when I said I was going to tell you why if it’s my ghost writing this, why is she taking in first person like it’s actually me? Well here is why…
…because I said so.
Directed by Michael Lehmann
Because I Killed Myself
By Michele Dillon
(You guys may be wondering why there is a big blank space above this…it is because; as you can see from the title of this review…I killed myself. I was able to get my ghost to reincarnate herself into an animate object so she should type this portion (you may also be wondering why if its my ghost writing this, why is she taking in first person like its actually me…we will get to that later). So it is now, where I will tell you the story of why I killed myself. It should be pretty obvious if you have even attempted to watch this movie, I can’t think of anyone in their right mind who would ever voluntarily put themselves through watching this movie in full (well besides me of course). So in memory of myself, I am going to make one of my famous lists…
Lists Of Reasons Why I Felt The Need To Kill Myself (Even Though I Had A Really Good Long Life Ahead Of Me….And I Was Pretty Sure I Was Gonna Be Really Rich And Famous…And Pretty….Oooh, Oooh And Famous…Oh Wait I Already Said That)
1.) Diane Keaton’s voice and her constant complaining!
2.) Mandy Moore…that’s it…just Mandy Moore…does anyone really need a specific reason to not like Mandy Moore? (Just in case you do, I will give you one…she can’t act)
3.) The horrible….barf in my own mouth…script! I do not understand! How do these people look at these scripts and think “This will be an amazing movie! And you know what would make it even more amazing? If we casted horrible actors!”(Diana Keaton would probably be the only actress in this movie that is not horrible but just ended up doing a horrible job in the movie)
4.) The premise of the movie was about a mom who wanted to hook up her daughter with someone so she posted an ad online and behind the daughter’s back would hold the meetings with them and have them pretend to go meet her on accident…what kind of daughter loving mother would do that?! (Kind of like, what life loving bee would sting you? Which by the way, did you know that Wasps don’t die after they sting you? And they are the huge scary ones! What kind of stupid messed up sh** is that?)
5.) I could go on to write down every single director, producer, actor, co-producer, writer, co-writer of this movie but my ghost really does not have much more time left…a rhinoceros probably wasn’t the best thing to come back as…they have borderline ADD and I am really wondering how she was even able to type this with their gigantic feet/hands/paws…whatever you call them.
Oh and remember when I said I was going to tell you why if it’s my ghost writing this, why is she taking in first person like it’s actually me? Well here is why…
…because I said so.
35th Worst Movie: The Perfect Man
“The Perfect Man” Starring Hilary Duff, Heather Locklear and Chris North
Directed by Mark Rosman
“The Imperfect Hilary Duff”
By Michele Dillon
Picture this: Hilary Duff’s voice. Now picture this: Hilary Duff’s voice for 1 ½ hours straight (not even blocked out by other actors because she was in almost every scene). Now I am not going to say that there is some kind of pattern here, but it does seem kind of odd that there are at least three movies (The Perfect Man, Cheaper By the Dozen 2, Material Girls) that Hilary Duff has been in that are on this Worst Movie List. I am pretty sure that if they made a Worst CD List, for some odd reason Hilary Duff would be on that as well…but once again, no pattern whatsoever that I am seeing here…mere coincidences. In order for you to understand the pain that I had to endure while watching this movie, I am going to make a list of things that Hilary Duff’s character (which by the way, is always the same in all her movies so they should really just name her Hilary) did during this movie that made it completely horrible, predictable and also very unlikely.
1.) She was writing a blog (uh, hello…since when could Hilary Duff write OR read for that matter…it’s a well known fact that people have to feed the lines to her because she cannot do these things)
2.) We are supposed to believe that she is cute enough to get a good looking guy to like her within the first two seconds of meeting her and then after meeting her, when she opens her mouth and talks, he is not disgusted and he keeps talking to her…eww
3.) Her character is trying to make her mom happy by creating a non-existent guy and making her believe that he is real and that he actually wants to be with her (how would that make her happy again Hilary? Where was the sensitive thought in this?)
4.) During the movie, while she is trying to make her mom believe this guy is real, she does numerous horrible things such as:
a. In order to ensure that her mom does not meet the guy who she is trying to make her mom believe likes her, she puts a match to the sprinklers to make them go off in his restaurant, which would completely ruin the entire restaurant and let’s just hope that this guy has insurance for that…otherwise he is screwed
b. She barges in on a wedding, makes the bride think that her soon to be husband cheated on her, so she punches him, but really nothing like that happened so she basically ruined this woman’s wedding
5.) Has anyone ever noticed that before Hilary Duff got horrible horse teeth and lost all that weight that she had a really tiny bubble butt? Yes, this has nothing to do with the movie (or really her teeth, I just wanted to mention the horse teeth) but it was something that I noticed while watching it so I thought I should bring it up.
So really, that is all I have to say about this Perfect Barf-fest, if you have any further questions about my hatred for Hilary Duff, I will be happy to answer them.
Directed by Mark Rosman
“The Imperfect Hilary Duff”
By Michele Dillon
Picture this: Hilary Duff’s voice. Now picture this: Hilary Duff’s voice for 1 ½ hours straight (not even blocked out by other actors because she was in almost every scene). Now I am not going to say that there is some kind of pattern here, but it does seem kind of odd that there are at least three movies (The Perfect Man, Cheaper By the Dozen 2, Material Girls) that Hilary Duff has been in that are on this Worst Movie List. I am pretty sure that if they made a Worst CD List, for some odd reason Hilary Duff would be on that as well…but once again, no pattern whatsoever that I am seeing here…mere coincidences. In order for you to understand the pain that I had to endure while watching this movie, I am going to make a list of things that Hilary Duff’s character (which by the way, is always the same in all her movies so they should really just name her Hilary) did during this movie that made it completely horrible, predictable and also very unlikely.
1.) She was writing a blog (uh, hello…since when could Hilary Duff write OR read for that matter…it’s a well known fact that people have to feed the lines to her because she cannot do these things)
2.) We are supposed to believe that she is cute enough to get a good looking guy to like her within the first two seconds of meeting her and then after meeting her, when she opens her mouth and talks, he is not disgusted and he keeps talking to her…eww
3.) Her character is trying to make her mom happy by creating a non-existent guy and making her believe that he is real and that he actually wants to be with her (how would that make her happy again Hilary? Where was the sensitive thought in this?)
4.) During the movie, while she is trying to make her mom believe this guy is real, she does numerous horrible things such as:
a. In order to ensure that her mom does not meet the guy who she is trying to make her mom believe likes her, she puts a match to the sprinklers to make them go off in his restaurant, which would completely ruin the entire restaurant and let’s just hope that this guy has insurance for that…otherwise he is screwed
b. She barges in on a wedding, makes the bride think that her soon to be husband cheated on her, so she punches him, but really nothing like that happened so she basically ruined this woman’s wedding
5.) Has anyone ever noticed that before Hilary Duff got horrible horse teeth and lost all that weight that she had a really tiny bubble butt? Yes, this has nothing to do with the movie (or really her teeth, I just wanted to mention the horse teeth) but it was something that I noticed while watching it so I thought I should bring it up.
So really, that is all I have to say about this Perfect Barf-fest, if you have any further questions about my hatred for Hilary Duff, I will be happy to answer them.
36th Worst Movie: Serving Sara
“Serving Sara’ Starring Matthew Perry, Elizabeth Hurley and Vincent Pastore
Directed by Reginald Hudlin
Serving Crap
By Michele Dillon
Ok, so the movie wasn’t THAT bad but I was pretty un-entertained during the whole thing. Elizabeth Hurley may be good looking but I have yet to see her do that great of an acting job. I am a big fan of the movie Bedazzled but that is mostly because of the story because Brendan Fraser is in that movie as well and no one has ever mistaken him for winning an Oscar…
Since I am in a lazy mood, I am going to make one of my infamous lists to explain what was bad about the movie:
1.) Matthew Perry stuck his hand up a cow’s butt (why do I see a pattern of movies being on this list where someone’s hand goes up a cow’s butt, in example: Say It Isn’t So, maybe that should be a clue that people don’t like to see that)
2.) Elizabeth Hurley trying to spit out words that sound only a little like English (since her accent is so thick, you can barely understand her, yes I know that English is her actual language but it doesn’t seem like it)
3.) Elizabeth Hurley wearing a totally uncoordinated short skirt with a cowboy hat, yes I know, that for most people this is not bad but I think the director forgot that when this movie was made, Hurley was in her 40’s and should not be wear little girl skirts…sorry.
4.) The overall storyline and that it seemed like the screen writer was purposely making it suck.
And th...tha....that's all folks!
Directed by Reginald Hudlin
Serving Crap
By Michele Dillon
Ok, so the movie wasn’t THAT bad but I was pretty un-entertained during the whole thing. Elizabeth Hurley may be good looking but I have yet to see her do that great of an acting job. I am a big fan of the movie Bedazzled but that is mostly because of the story because Brendan Fraser is in that movie as well and no one has ever mistaken him for winning an Oscar…
Since I am in a lazy mood, I am going to make one of my infamous lists to explain what was bad about the movie:
1.) Matthew Perry stuck his hand up a cow’s butt (why do I see a pattern of movies being on this list where someone’s hand goes up a cow’s butt, in example: Say It Isn’t So, maybe that should be a clue that people don’t like to see that)
2.) Elizabeth Hurley trying to spit out words that sound only a little like English (since her accent is so thick, you can barely understand her, yes I know that English is her actual language but it doesn’t seem like it)
3.) Elizabeth Hurley wearing a totally uncoordinated short skirt with a cowboy hat, yes I know, that for most people this is not bad but I think the director forgot that when this movie was made, Hurley was in her 40’s and should not be wear little girl skirts…sorry.
4.) The overall storyline and that it seemed like the screen writer was purposely making it suck.
And th...tha....that's all folks!
37th Worst Movie: Corky Romano
“Corky Romano” Starring Chris Kattan, Vinessa Shaw and Peter Falk
Directed by Robb Pritts
Corky Ain’t No Ray
By Michele Dillon
I can honestly say I thought this movie would be a lot worse than it actually was. I am a fan of Chris Kattan, but only as part of SNL (before you get all mad, Night at the Roxbury was an SNL production based off of SNL characters so I still considered that SNL). I don’t think he should ever have left the show…was that to start a movie career? Because if it was, then it was a horrible decision.
So Corky Romano is in a family who is part of the mob but he was disowned a long time ago since he wanted to be a veterinarian. He gets brought back into the business when his family wants to use him to infiltrate the FBI in order to get back some incriminating evidence (Corky is the only one in the family who is not recognized by the FBI). Since Corky is such an all around doofus and klutz, this becomes difficult….forming what this director/production company thought was a funny and amazing plot. I can admit that I may have had a half of a smile on through about 4 minutes of the movie and that the plot wasn’t amazing but it had potential…I definitely do not name this as the worst movie I have watched out of the bunch so far based solely on the fact that Kattan has comedic chops that cannot be denied.
I tried really hard to think of anything else to say about this movie, but I must be off my game…nothing comes to mind other than MANGO!!
Directed by Robb Pritts
Corky Ain’t No Ray
By Michele Dillon
I can honestly say I thought this movie would be a lot worse than it actually was. I am a fan of Chris Kattan, but only as part of SNL (before you get all mad, Night at the Roxbury was an SNL production based off of SNL characters so I still considered that SNL). I don’t think he should ever have left the show…was that to start a movie career? Because if it was, then it was a horrible decision.
So Corky Romano is in a family who is part of the mob but he was disowned a long time ago since he wanted to be a veterinarian. He gets brought back into the business when his family wants to use him to infiltrate the FBI in order to get back some incriminating evidence (Corky is the only one in the family who is not recognized by the FBI). Since Corky is such an all around doofus and klutz, this becomes difficult….forming what this director/production company thought was a funny and amazing plot. I can admit that I may have had a half of a smile on through about 4 minutes of the movie and that the plot wasn’t amazing but it had potential…I definitely do not name this as the worst movie I have watched out of the bunch so far based solely on the fact that Kattan has comedic chops that cannot be denied.
I tried really hard to think of anything else to say about this movie, but I must be off my game…nothing comes to mind other than MANGO!!
Monday, June 21, 2010
38th Worst Movie: Swept Away
“Swept Away” Starring Madonna
Directed by Guy Ritchie
As I Crept Away…
By Michele Dillon
I had a very similar experience watching this movie as I did the movie Glitter. Now I know, this was not Madonna’s first movie and that she wowed everyone in Evita, but that does not mean that she is or ever will be a professional actress. I would give her the tip of “stick to your day job”…but her day job is singing and I am not a big fan of that either. I wonder what this woman could be really talented at but just hasn’t given it a shot yet. I will make that my next life goal, to find this out for her…but I it will have to be moved to the bottom of the list because I have way too many other things to worry about right now…one of them being, that I still have very many more movies to watch and I don’t find myself enjoying them any more as the months go on.
So I was actually more disgusted by the plot of this movie then by any of the acting or anything else for that matter. The concept was this; Madonna is this rich snob (which was very believable but I’m sure there was no strain needed for that) who goes on a boat trip cruise with her husband and four of her friends. The cruise ends up being not up to her desires so she decides to berate the crew and the captain and make them feel like pieces of shit the entire time. She particularly enjoys picking on one of the Italian crew members and calls him Pee-Pee the whole time instead of Pepe. One day on the cruise, Madonna (which it’s really sad that I cannot even remember her characters name, that’s how non- invested I was) has Pepe take her in a motorized boat to shore so she can join her husband in exploring a cave. As any person who can predict the plots of bad movies, which I have started to become really good at, the next thing that happened was very foreseeable, the motor on the boat dies in the middle of the ocean and they have no rows so they are forced to wait for someone to find them. Days go by and no one finds them, but for some reason my hope for them still lingered…only to be dashed by the boat sinking and them washing up on a deserted island. This is where the plot got gross, weird and completely unwatchable. It becomes clear on the island that Madonna, being the rich snob that she is, cannot fend for herself. She cannot find shelter, food or even water. But of course, Pepe can because he is handyman of sorts. As soon as he sees Madonna’s weakness that she cannot provide for herself, he turns the table on her and forces her to live by his rules if she wants to eat and drink and be happy. He calls her names, he hits her, and he orders her around to no end only to wait for her to think she can start eating but then demand her to do something else first. This goes on for quite awhile. Then there is one scene where it looks like he might end up raping her. He gets her all the way stripped down (and no, for anyone who thinks Madonna is a MILF, I didn’t see anything) but then he spits in her face and says “No, I will wait for you to fall in love with me”. By this point, I was completely disgusted…I couldn’t comprehend what was going to happen next…Madonna actually falls in love with the horrible guy. At first, it seems as she is just faking it so she can eat and drink water when she wants but as it progresses it becomes clear that no, we are to believe that she has fallen in love with this Italian creep. Then the rest of the movie, which seemed like it was longer than King Kong the remake, is about their disgusting yucky relationship and right when you think you cannot handle it anymore, they are rescued and Madonna goes back to her old way of life and he goes back to his…it was about the dumbest idea that I could have ever encountered in my life…I don’t understand why Guy Ritchie would let this movie come to life just to showcase his wife…it totally made me want to rethink whether or not I even liked the movie Snatch…which was very difficult because damn, that is a good movie…but anyway, there you have it. I realize this is probably the first time I have ever gone into such detail about the plot, and left most of my jokes out the window, but I really was dumbfounded by the movie and wanted everyone to understand how this movie made me feel afterwards, which was dirty and empty inside…I was almost considering watching a movie with Hilary Duff in it, just so I could understand the meaning of sweet, innocent (however, annoying) people again…ALMOST.
Directed by Guy Ritchie
As I Crept Away…
By Michele Dillon
I had a very similar experience watching this movie as I did the movie Glitter. Now I know, this was not Madonna’s first movie and that she wowed everyone in Evita, but that does not mean that she is or ever will be a professional actress. I would give her the tip of “stick to your day job”…but her day job is singing and I am not a big fan of that either. I wonder what this woman could be really talented at but just hasn’t given it a shot yet. I will make that my next life goal, to find this out for her…but I it will have to be moved to the bottom of the list because I have way too many other things to worry about right now…one of them being, that I still have very many more movies to watch and I don’t find myself enjoying them any more as the months go on.
So I was actually more disgusted by the plot of this movie then by any of the acting or anything else for that matter. The concept was this; Madonna is this rich snob (which was very believable but I’m sure there was no strain needed for that) who goes on a boat trip cruise with her husband and four of her friends. The cruise ends up being not up to her desires so she decides to berate the crew and the captain and make them feel like pieces of shit the entire time. She particularly enjoys picking on one of the Italian crew members and calls him Pee-Pee the whole time instead of Pepe. One day on the cruise, Madonna (which it’s really sad that I cannot even remember her characters name, that’s how non- invested I was) has Pepe take her in a motorized boat to shore so she can join her husband in exploring a cave. As any person who can predict the plots of bad movies, which I have started to become really good at, the next thing that happened was very foreseeable, the motor on the boat dies in the middle of the ocean and they have no rows so they are forced to wait for someone to find them. Days go by and no one finds them, but for some reason my hope for them still lingered…only to be dashed by the boat sinking and them washing up on a deserted island. This is where the plot got gross, weird and completely unwatchable. It becomes clear on the island that Madonna, being the rich snob that she is, cannot fend for herself. She cannot find shelter, food or even water. But of course, Pepe can because he is handyman of sorts. As soon as he sees Madonna’s weakness that she cannot provide for herself, he turns the table on her and forces her to live by his rules if she wants to eat and drink and be happy. He calls her names, he hits her, and he orders her around to no end only to wait for her to think she can start eating but then demand her to do something else first. This goes on for quite awhile. Then there is one scene where it looks like he might end up raping her. He gets her all the way stripped down (and no, for anyone who thinks Madonna is a MILF, I didn’t see anything) but then he spits in her face and says “No, I will wait for you to fall in love with me”. By this point, I was completely disgusted…I couldn’t comprehend what was going to happen next…Madonna actually falls in love with the horrible guy. At first, it seems as she is just faking it so she can eat and drink water when she wants but as it progresses it becomes clear that no, we are to believe that she has fallen in love with this Italian creep. Then the rest of the movie, which seemed like it was longer than King Kong the remake, is about their disgusting yucky relationship and right when you think you cannot handle it anymore, they are rescued and Madonna goes back to her old way of life and he goes back to his…it was about the dumbest idea that I could have ever encountered in my life…I don’t understand why Guy Ritchie would let this movie come to life just to showcase his wife…it totally made me want to rethink whether or not I even liked the movie Snatch…which was very difficult because damn, that is a good movie…but anyway, there you have it. I realize this is probably the first time I have ever gone into such detail about the plot, and left most of my jokes out the window, but I really was dumbfounded by the movie and wanted everyone to understand how this movie made me feel afterwards, which was dirty and empty inside…I was almost considering watching a movie with Hilary Duff in it, just so I could understand the meaning of sweet, innocent (however, annoying) people again…ALMOST.
39th Worst Movie: Code Name: The Cleaner
“Code Name: The Cleaner”
Starring Cedric the Entertainer, Lucy Liu and Nicolette Sheridan
Directed by Les Mayfield
Nickname: The Spleener
By Michele Dillon
Only because about 1.5 of you understands my humor, so I will explain…the title of this review is supposed to symbolize that this movie was so bad, it ripped out my spleen. I know…pretty much the best one I have come up with yet.
I am pretty sure 1.5, if not all of you, know how much I do not enjoy Cedric the Entertainer…at the very least his name should be changed to Cedric: The Terminator of All Things Considered Funny. Maybe this goes back to my “this just isn’t my type of humor kind of thing”, but I would really hate to think that there is someone out there who really enjoyed this movie. Thought it was OK, maybe, LOVED IT, let’s hope not. Let’s play Would You Rather. Would you rather watch a movie with Cedric the Entertainer in it for the rest of your life or watch a movie with Hilary Duff in it for the rest of your life. My answer would be “I would rather gouge my eyeballs out, Alex”.
If I am going to publicly acknowledge this movie as bad, I should probably explain what the so called “plot” was about. Cedric wakes up with amnesia in a hotel with a dead FBI agent and a briefcase full of cash. This leads him to believe he is in the CIA and that something went wrong in his investigation….naturally. It basically is trying to spoof Bourne Identity the whole time but in a really bad way. So Cedric goes about half the movie not remembering anything but making up this double life for himself where he is some kind of respected spy but come to realize that he is actually a janitor who just got involved in something really bad. Ooops, I hope I didn’t wreck it for you…even though I was able to figure out what was going on about 2 minutes into the movie anyway so I’m sure you will be fine if you actually wanted to consider watching this.
I can’t really think of much else to say about this movie, other than list 3 things I would rather have been doing than watching it…
1.) Scrubbing a toilet in a male prison
2.) Plucking out my leg hairs individually
3.) Rubbing someone’s feet that has fungus
Starring Cedric the Entertainer, Lucy Liu and Nicolette Sheridan
Directed by Les Mayfield
Nickname: The Spleener
By Michele Dillon
Only because about 1.5 of you understands my humor, so I will explain…the title of this review is supposed to symbolize that this movie was so bad, it ripped out my spleen. I know…pretty much the best one I have come up with yet.
I am pretty sure 1.5, if not all of you, know how much I do not enjoy Cedric the Entertainer…at the very least his name should be changed to Cedric: The Terminator of All Things Considered Funny. Maybe this goes back to my “this just isn’t my type of humor kind of thing”, but I would really hate to think that there is someone out there who really enjoyed this movie. Thought it was OK, maybe, LOVED IT, let’s hope not. Let’s play Would You Rather. Would you rather watch a movie with Cedric the Entertainer in it for the rest of your life or watch a movie with Hilary Duff in it for the rest of your life. My answer would be “I would rather gouge my eyeballs out, Alex”.
If I am going to publicly acknowledge this movie as bad, I should probably explain what the so called “plot” was about. Cedric wakes up with amnesia in a hotel with a dead FBI agent and a briefcase full of cash. This leads him to believe he is in the CIA and that something went wrong in his investigation….naturally. It basically is trying to spoof Bourne Identity the whole time but in a really bad way. So Cedric goes about half the movie not remembering anything but making up this double life for himself where he is some kind of respected spy but come to realize that he is actually a janitor who just got involved in something really bad. Ooops, I hope I didn’t wreck it for you…even though I was able to figure out what was going on about 2 minutes into the movie anyway so I’m sure you will be fine if you actually wanted to consider watching this.
I can’t really think of much else to say about this movie, other than list 3 things I would rather have been doing than watching it…
1.) Scrubbing a toilet in a male prison
2.) Plucking out my leg hairs individually
3.) Rubbing someone’s feet that has fungus
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