“Soul Survivors” Starring Melissa Sagemiller, Casey Affleck and Eliza Dushku
Directed by Stephen Carpenter
Right now I am only about 15 minutes into this movie and I am already asking myself, why the hell am I watching this? Also, another thought that is crossing my mind is that Eliza Dushku only plays stupid sluts in all her movies….but that’s another review all together (not to be completely ruled out to make fun of later in this review however).
I’m deciding whether or not I want to write a play by play assessment of this movie but it is so freaking boring that I don’t even know if I could write that much stuff about it other than 500 ways to say that “this is so dumb”.
Do you want to even know what this movie is about? Ok, I will tell you. It starts out with these weird guys in masks who are killing. Then it goes to these teenagers who are going off to college and they are partying on their last night. Then they are driving and I am sure they are drunk and they get into an accident and one of them dies and then from there the movie is just weird and I don’t even understand the point. The one thing that does stick out however, throughout the entire movie, Melissa’s character is running in every scene. And let me tell you, she does not run very well either. Kind of like a chicken with its head cut off. I didn’t start to notice it until about 30 minutes into the movie; otherwise I would have made a tally of how many times she ran. It wasn’t even at times she really needed to run. One scene, she is running to catch up with her friend after class (not necessary), another scene she is running for no apparent reason that I could even see (not necessary), and another scene she is running away from people chasing her (OK, I would say, that one was necessary). So really, this movie should have been called “Sole Survivors” cause I was so distracted by all the running that I didn’t even understand the ending…or is it that the ending just didn’t make sense? It could be either one or both…I guess we will never know.
Friday, June 25, 2010
32nd Worst Movie: BloodRayne
“BloodRayne” Starring Kristanna Loken, Michael Madsen and Matthew Davis
Directed by Uwe Boll
Bloody Hell
By Michele Dillon
One word can be used to describe this movie…one word only….DISGUSTING!
Directed by Uwe Boll
Bloody Hell
By Michele Dillon
One word can be used to describe this movie…one word only….DISGUSTING!
Wednesday, June 23, 2010
33rd Worst Movie: Texas Rangers
“Texas Rangers” Starring James Van Der Beek, Rachael Leigh Cook and Ashton Kutcher
Directed by Steve Miner
Texas Whiners
By Michele Dillon
I thought that this movie might not be too bad because I really like Rachael Leigh Cook, however, come to find out, she was only in the movie for like 4 minutes total. And for the rest of the 86 minutes I had to watch Ashton Kutchur (before he discovered that he can act without shouting) and James Van Der Beek (which frankly, I will never understand how he became an actor…especially with that horrible hair) attempt to be believable as country men who become rangers (or cops on horses, if you will).
I don’t even want to attempt to explain the plot of this movie because there really wasn’t one. Other than shooting and missing shooting and than the person who was the worst shooter ends up being the best and taking over for the dying captain…or whatever. Bore fest! I want to be able to say that more than one of these movies don’t belong on this list, but so far I’ve only been able to name one (The Skulls). So since this movie was so boring I am just going to make a list of James Van Der Beek movies and than rate them cause that sounds more fun/interesting right now than talking about this movie (SHUT UP! I can do what I want!).
James Van Der Beek Movies
1.) Varsity Blues: 2/5
2.) Texas Rangers: 1/5
3.) The Rules of Attraction: 1/5
4.) How I Met Your Mother: 5/5 (Yes, not a movie…but I have to say this is the only thing I have seen him in where I thought he did a good job)
Directed by Steve Miner
Texas Whiners
By Michele Dillon
I thought that this movie might not be too bad because I really like Rachael Leigh Cook, however, come to find out, she was only in the movie for like 4 minutes total. And for the rest of the 86 minutes I had to watch Ashton Kutchur (before he discovered that he can act without shouting) and James Van Der Beek (which frankly, I will never understand how he became an actor…especially with that horrible hair) attempt to be believable as country men who become rangers (or cops on horses, if you will).
I don’t even want to attempt to explain the plot of this movie because there really wasn’t one. Other than shooting and missing shooting and than the person who was the worst shooter ends up being the best and taking over for the dying captain…or whatever. Bore fest! I want to be able to say that more than one of these movies don’t belong on this list, but so far I’ve only been able to name one (The Skulls). So since this movie was so boring I am just going to make a list of James Van Der Beek movies and than rate them cause that sounds more fun/interesting right now than talking about this movie (SHUT UP! I can do what I want!).
James Van Der Beek Movies
1.) Varsity Blues: 2/5
2.) Texas Rangers: 1/5
3.) The Rules of Attraction: 1/5
4.) How I Met Your Mother: 5/5 (Yes, not a movie…but I have to say this is the only thing I have seen him in where I thought he did a good job)
Tuesday, June 22, 2010
34th Worst Movie: Because I Said So
“Because I Said So” Starring Mandy Moore, Diane Keaton and Lauren Graham
Directed by Michael Lehmann
Because I Killed Myself
By Michele Dillon
(You guys may be wondering why there is a big blank space above this…it is because; as you can see from the title of this review…I killed myself. I was able to get my ghost to reincarnate herself into an animate object so she should type this portion (you may also be wondering why if its my ghost writing this, why is she taking in first person like its actually me…we will get to that later). So it is now, where I will tell you the story of why I killed myself. It should be pretty obvious if you have even attempted to watch this movie, I can’t think of anyone in their right mind who would ever voluntarily put themselves through watching this movie in full (well besides me of course). So in memory of myself, I am going to make one of my famous lists…
Lists Of Reasons Why I Felt The Need To Kill Myself (Even Though I Had A Really Good Long Life Ahead Of Me….And I Was Pretty Sure I Was Gonna Be Really Rich And Famous…And Pretty….Oooh, Oooh And Famous…Oh Wait I Already Said That)
1.) Diane Keaton’s voice and her constant complaining!
2.) Mandy Moore…that’s it…just Mandy Moore…does anyone really need a specific reason to not like Mandy Moore? (Just in case you do, I will give you one…she can’t act)
3.) The horrible….barf in my own mouth…script! I do not understand! How do these people look at these scripts and think “This will be an amazing movie! And you know what would make it even more amazing? If we casted horrible actors!”(Diana Keaton would probably be the only actress in this movie that is not horrible but just ended up doing a horrible job in the movie)
4.) The premise of the movie was about a mom who wanted to hook up her daughter with someone so she posted an ad online and behind the daughter’s back would hold the meetings with them and have them pretend to go meet her on accident…what kind of daughter loving mother would do that?! (Kind of like, what life loving bee would sting you? Which by the way, did you know that Wasps don’t die after they sting you? And they are the huge scary ones! What kind of stupid messed up sh** is that?)
5.) I could go on to write down every single director, producer, actor, co-producer, writer, co-writer of this movie but my ghost really does not have much more time left…a rhinoceros probably wasn’t the best thing to come back as…they have borderline ADD and I am really wondering how she was even able to type this with their gigantic feet/hands/paws…whatever you call them.
Oh and remember when I said I was going to tell you why if it’s my ghost writing this, why is she taking in first person like it’s actually me? Well here is why…
…because I said so.
Directed by Michael Lehmann
Because I Killed Myself
By Michele Dillon
(You guys may be wondering why there is a big blank space above this…it is because; as you can see from the title of this review…I killed myself. I was able to get my ghost to reincarnate herself into an animate object so she should type this portion (you may also be wondering why if its my ghost writing this, why is she taking in first person like its actually me…we will get to that later). So it is now, where I will tell you the story of why I killed myself. It should be pretty obvious if you have even attempted to watch this movie, I can’t think of anyone in their right mind who would ever voluntarily put themselves through watching this movie in full (well besides me of course). So in memory of myself, I am going to make one of my famous lists…
Lists Of Reasons Why I Felt The Need To Kill Myself (Even Though I Had A Really Good Long Life Ahead Of Me….And I Was Pretty Sure I Was Gonna Be Really Rich And Famous…And Pretty….Oooh, Oooh And Famous…Oh Wait I Already Said That)
1.) Diane Keaton’s voice and her constant complaining!
2.) Mandy Moore…that’s it…just Mandy Moore…does anyone really need a specific reason to not like Mandy Moore? (Just in case you do, I will give you one…she can’t act)
3.) The horrible….barf in my own mouth…script! I do not understand! How do these people look at these scripts and think “This will be an amazing movie! And you know what would make it even more amazing? If we casted horrible actors!”(Diana Keaton would probably be the only actress in this movie that is not horrible but just ended up doing a horrible job in the movie)
4.) The premise of the movie was about a mom who wanted to hook up her daughter with someone so she posted an ad online and behind the daughter’s back would hold the meetings with them and have them pretend to go meet her on accident…what kind of daughter loving mother would do that?! (Kind of like, what life loving bee would sting you? Which by the way, did you know that Wasps don’t die after they sting you? And they are the huge scary ones! What kind of stupid messed up sh** is that?)
5.) I could go on to write down every single director, producer, actor, co-producer, writer, co-writer of this movie but my ghost really does not have much more time left…a rhinoceros probably wasn’t the best thing to come back as…they have borderline ADD and I am really wondering how she was even able to type this with their gigantic feet/hands/paws…whatever you call them.
Oh and remember when I said I was going to tell you why if it’s my ghost writing this, why is she taking in first person like it’s actually me? Well here is why…
…because I said so.
35th Worst Movie: The Perfect Man
“The Perfect Man” Starring Hilary Duff, Heather Locklear and Chris North
Directed by Mark Rosman
“The Imperfect Hilary Duff”
By Michele Dillon
Picture this: Hilary Duff’s voice. Now picture this: Hilary Duff’s voice for 1 ½ hours straight (not even blocked out by other actors because she was in almost every scene). Now I am not going to say that there is some kind of pattern here, but it does seem kind of odd that there are at least three movies (The Perfect Man, Cheaper By the Dozen 2, Material Girls) that Hilary Duff has been in that are on this Worst Movie List. I am pretty sure that if they made a Worst CD List, for some odd reason Hilary Duff would be on that as well…but once again, no pattern whatsoever that I am seeing here…mere coincidences. In order for you to understand the pain that I had to endure while watching this movie, I am going to make a list of things that Hilary Duff’s character (which by the way, is always the same in all her movies so they should really just name her Hilary) did during this movie that made it completely horrible, predictable and also very unlikely.
1.) She was writing a blog (uh, hello…since when could Hilary Duff write OR read for that matter…it’s a well known fact that people have to feed the lines to her because she cannot do these things)
2.) We are supposed to believe that she is cute enough to get a good looking guy to like her within the first two seconds of meeting her and then after meeting her, when she opens her mouth and talks, he is not disgusted and he keeps talking to her…eww
3.) Her character is trying to make her mom happy by creating a non-existent guy and making her believe that he is real and that he actually wants to be with her (how would that make her happy again Hilary? Where was the sensitive thought in this?)
4.) During the movie, while she is trying to make her mom believe this guy is real, she does numerous horrible things such as:
a. In order to ensure that her mom does not meet the guy who she is trying to make her mom believe likes her, she puts a match to the sprinklers to make them go off in his restaurant, which would completely ruin the entire restaurant and let’s just hope that this guy has insurance for that…otherwise he is screwed
b. She barges in on a wedding, makes the bride think that her soon to be husband cheated on her, so she punches him, but really nothing like that happened so she basically ruined this woman’s wedding
5.) Has anyone ever noticed that before Hilary Duff got horrible horse teeth and lost all that weight that she had a really tiny bubble butt? Yes, this has nothing to do with the movie (or really her teeth, I just wanted to mention the horse teeth) but it was something that I noticed while watching it so I thought I should bring it up.
So really, that is all I have to say about this Perfect Barf-fest, if you have any further questions about my hatred for Hilary Duff, I will be happy to answer them.
Directed by Mark Rosman
“The Imperfect Hilary Duff”
By Michele Dillon
Picture this: Hilary Duff’s voice. Now picture this: Hilary Duff’s voice for 1 ½ hours straight (not even blocked out by other actors because she was in almost every scene). Now I am not going to say that there is some kind of pattern here, but it does seem kind of odd that there are at least three movies (The Perfect Man, Cheaper By the Dozen 2, Material Girls) that Hilary Duff has been in that are on this Worst Movie List. I am pretty sure that if they made a Worst CD List, for some odd reason Hilary Duff would be on that as well…but once again, no pattern whatsoever that I am seeing here…mere coincidences. In order for you to understand the pain that I had to endure while watching this movie, I am going to make a list of things that Hilary Duff’s character (which by the way, is always the same in all her movies so they should really just name her Hilary) did during this movie that made it completely horrible, predictable and also very unlikely.
1.) She was writing a blog (uh, hello…since when could Hilary Duff write OR read for that matter…it’s a well known fact that people have to feed the lines to her because she cannot do these things)
2.) We are supposed to believe that she is cute enough to get a good looking guy to like her within the first two seconds of meeting her and then after meeting her, when she opens her mouth and talks, he is not disgusted and he keeps talking to her…eww
3.) Her character is trying to make her mom happy by creating a non-existent guy and making her believe that he is real and that he actually wants to be with her (how would that make her happy again Hilary? Where was the sensitive thought in this?)
4.) During the movie, while she is trying to make her mom believe this guy is real, she does numerous horrible things such as:
a. In order to ensure that her mom does not meet the guy who she is trying to make her mom believe likes her, she puts a match to the sprinklers to make them go off in his restaurant, which would completely ruin the entire restaurant and let’s just hope that this guy has insurance for that…otherwise he is screwed
b. She barges in on a wedding, makes the bride think that her soon to be husband cheated on her, so she punches him, but really nothing like that happened so she basically ruined this woman’s wedding
5.) Has anyone ever noticed that before Hilary Duff got horrible horse teeth and lost all that weight that she had a really tiny bubble butt? Yes, this has nothing to do with the movie (or really her teeth, I just wanted to mention the horse teeth) but it was something that I noticed while watching it so I thought I should bring it up.
So really, that is all I have to say about this Perfect Barf-fest, if you have any further questions about my hatred for Hilary Duff, I will be happy to answer them.
36th Worst Movie: Serving Sara
“Serving Sara’ Starring Matthew Perry, Elizabeth Hurley and Vincent Pastore
Directed by Reginald Hudlin
Serving Crap
By Michele Dillon
Ok, so the movie wasn’t THAT bad but I was pretty un-entertained during the whole thing. Elizabeth Hurley may be good looking but I have yet to see her do that great of an acting job. I am a big fan of the movie Bedazzled but that is mostly because of the story because Brendan Fraser is in that movie as well and no one has ever mistaken him for winning an Oscar…
Since I am in a lazy mood, I am going to make one of my infamous lists to explain what was bad about the movie:
1.) Matthew Perry stuck his hand up a cow’s butt (why do I see a pattern of movies being on this list where someone’s hand goes up a cow’s butt, in example: Say It Isn’t So, maybe that should be a clue that people don’t like to see that)
2.) Elizabeth Hurley trying to spit out words that sound only a little like English (since her accent is so thick, you can barely understand her, yes I know that English is her actual language but it doesn’t seem like it)
3.) Elizabeth Hurley wearing a totally uncoordinated short skirt with a cowboy hat, yes I know, that for most people this is not bad but I think the director forgot that when this movie was made, Hurley was in her 40’s and should not be wear little girl skirts…sorry.
4.) The overall storyline and that it seemed like the screen writer was purposely making it suck.
And th...tha....that's all folks!
Directed by Reginald Hudlin
Serving Crap
By Michele Dillon
Ok, so the movie wasn’t THAT bad but I was pretty un-entertained during the whole thing. Elizabeth Hurley may be good looking but I have yet to see her do that great of an acting job. I am a big fan of the movie Bedazzled but that is mostly because of the story because Brendan Fraser is in that movie as well and no one has ever mistaken him for winning an Oscar…
Since I am in a lazy mood, I am going to make one of my infamous lists to explain what was bad about the movie:
1.) Matthew Perry stuck his hand up a cow’s butt (why do I see a pattern of movies being on this list where someone’s hand goes up a cow’s butt, in example: Say It Isn’t So, maybe that should be a clue that people don’t like to see that)
2.) Elizabeth Hurley trying to spit out words that sound only a little like English (since her accent is so thick, you can barely understand her, yes I know that English is her actual language but it doesn’t seem like it)
3.) Elizabeth Hurley wearing a totally uncoordinated short skirt with a cowboy hat, yes I know, that for most people this is not bad but I think the director forgot that when this movie was made, Hurley was in her 40’s and should not be wear little girl skirts…sorry.
4.) The overall storyline and that it seemed like the screen writer was purposely making it suck.
And th...tha....that's all folks!
37th Worst Movie: Corky Romano
“Corky Romano” Starring Chris Kattan, Vinessa Shaw and Peter Falk
Directed by Robb Pritts
Corky Ain’t No Ray
By Michele Dillon
I can honestly say I thought this movie would be a lot worse than it actually was. I am a fan of Chris Kattan, but only as part of SNL (before you get all mad, Night at the Roxbury was an SNL production based off of SNL characters so I still considered that SNL). I don’t think he should ever have left the show…was that to start a movie career? Because if it was, then it was a horrible decision.
So Corky Romano is in a family who is part of the mob but he was disowned a long time ago since he wanted to be a veterinarian. He gets brought back into the business when his family wants to use him to infiltrate the FBI in order to get back some incriminating evidence (Corky is the only one in the family who is not recognized by the FBI). Since Corky is such an all around doofus and klutz, this becomes difficult….forming what this director/production company thought was a funny and amazing plot. I can admit that I may have had a half of a smile on through about 4 minutes of the movie and that the plot wasn’t amazing but it had potential…I definitely do not name this as the worst movie I have watched out of the bunch so far based solely on the fact that Kattan has comedic chops that cannot be denied.
I tried really hard to think of anything else to say about this movie, but I must be off my game…nothing comes to mind other than MANGO!!
Directed by Robb Pritts
Corky Ain’t No Ray
By Michele Dillon
I can honestly say I thought this movie would be a lot worse than it actually was. I am a fan of Chris Kattan, but only as part of SNL (before you get all mad, Night at the Roxbury was an SNL production based off of SNL characters so I still considered that SNL). I don’t think he should ever have left the show…was that to start a movie career? Because if it was, then it was a horrible decision.
So Corky Romano is in a family who is part of the mob but he was disowned a long time ago since he wanted to be a veterinarian. He gets brought back into the business when his family wants to use him to infiltrate the FBI in order to get back some incriminating evidence (Corky is the only one in the family who is not recognized by the FBI). Since Corky is such an all around doofus and klutz, this becomes difficult….forming what this director/production company thought was a funny and amazing plot. I can admit that I may have had a half of a smile on through about 4 minutes of the movie and that the plot wasn’t amazing but it had potential…I definitely do not name this as the worst movie I have watched out of the bunch so far based solely on the fact that Kattan has comedic chops that cannot be denied.
I tried really hard to think of anything else to say about this movie, but I must be off my game…nothing comes to mind other than MANGO!!
Monday, June 21, 2010
38th Worst Movie: Swept Away
“Swept Away” Starring Madonna
Directed by Guy Ritchie
As I Crept Away…
By Michele Dillon
I had a very similar experience watching this movie as I did the movie Glitter. Now I know, this was not Madonna’s first movie and that she wowed everyone in Evita, but that does not mean that she is or ever will be a professional actress. I would give her the tip of “stick to your day job”…but her day job is singing and I am not a big fan of that either. I wonder what this woman could be really talented at but just hasn’t given it a shot yet. I will make that my next life goal, to find this out for her…but I it will have to be moved to the bottom of the list because I have way too many other things to worry about right now…one of them being, that I still have very many more movies to watch and I don’t find myself enjoying them any more as the months go on.
So I was actually more disgusted by the plot of this movie then by any of the acting or anything else for that matter. The concept was this; Madonna is this rich snob (which was very believable but I’m sure there was no strain needed for that) who goes on a boat trip cruise with her husband and four of her friends. The cruise ends up being not up to her desires so she decides to berate the crew and the captain and make them feel like pieces of shit the entire time. She particularly enjoys picking on one of the Italian crew members and calls him Pee-Pee the whole time instead of Pepe. One day on the cruise, Madonna (which it’s really sad that I cannot even remember her characters name, that’s how non- invested I was) has Pepe take her in a motorized boat to shore so she can join her husband in exploring a cave. As any person who can predict the plots of bad movies, which I have started to become really good at, the next thing that happened was very foreseeable, the motor on the boat dies in the middle of the ocean and they have no rows so they are forced to wait for someone to find them. Days go by and no one finds them, but for some reason my hope for them still lingered…only to be dashed by the boat sinking and them washing up on a deserted island. This is where the plot got gross, weird and completely unwatchable. It becomes clear on the island that Madonna, being the rich snob that she is, cannot fend for herself. She cannot find shelter, food or even water. But of course, Pepe can because he is handyman of sorts. As soon as he sees Madonna’s weakness that she cannot provide for herself, he turns the table on her and forces her to live by his rules if she wants to eat and drink and be happy. He calls her names, he hits her, and he orders her around to no end only to wait for her to think she can start eating but then demand her to do something else first. This goes on for quite awhile. Then there is one scene where it looks like he might end up raping her. He gets her all the way stripped down (and no, for anyone who thinks Madonna is a MILF, I didn’t see anything) but then he spits in her face and says “No, I will wait for you to fall in love with me”. By this point, I was completely disgusted…I couldn’t comprehend what was going to happen next…Madonna actually falls in love with the horrible guy. At first, it seems as she is just faking it so she can eat and drink water when she wants but as it progresses it becomes clear that no, we are to believe that she has fallen in love with this Italian creep. Then the rest of the movie, which seemed like it was longer than King Kong the remake, is about their disgusting yucky relationship and right when you think you cannot handle it anymore, they are rescued and Madonna goes back to her old way of life and he goes back to his…it was about the dumbest idea that I could have ever encountered in my life…I don’t understand why Guy Ritchie would let this movie come to life just to showcase his wife…it totally made me want to rethink whether or not I even liked the movie Snatch…which was very difficult because damn, that is a good movie…but anyway, there you have it. I realize this is probably the first time I have ever gone into such detail about the plot, and left most of my jokes out the window, but I really was dumbfounded by the movie and wanted everyone to understand how this movie made me feel afterwards, which was dirty and empty inside…I was almost considering watching a movie with Hilary Duff in it, just so I could understand the meaning of sweet, innocent (however, annoying) people again…ALMOST.
Directed by Guy Ritchie
As I Crept Away…
By Michele Dillon
I had a very similar experience watching this movie as I did the movie Glitter. Now I know, this was not Madonna’s first movie and that she wowed everyone in Evita, but that does not mean that she is or ever will be a professional actress. I would give her the tip of “stick to your day job”…but her day job is singing and I am not a big fan of that either. I wonder what this woman could be really talented at but just hasn’t given it a shot yet. I will make that my next life goal, to find this out for her…but I it will have to be moved to the bottom of the list because I have way too many other things to worry about right now…one of them being, that I still have very many more movies to watch and I don’t find myself enjoying them any more as the months go on.
So I was actually more disgusted by the plot of this movie then by any of the acting or anything else for that matter. The concept was this; Madonna is this rich snob (which was very believable but I’m sure there was no strain needed for that) who goes on a boat trip cruise with her husband and four of her friends. The cruise ends up being not up to her desires so she decides to berate the crew and the captain and make them feel like pieces of shit the entire time. She particularly enjoys picking on one of the Italian crew members and calls him Pee-Pee the whole time instead of Pepe. One day on the cruise, Madonna (which it’s really sad that I cannot even remember her characters name, that’s how non- invested I was) has Pepe take her in a motorized boat to shore so she can join her husband in exploring a cave. As any person who can predict the plots of bad movies, which I have started to become really good at, the next thing that happened was very foreseeable, the motor on the boat dies in the middle of the ocean and they have no rows so they are forced to wait for someone to find them. Days go by and no one finds them, but for some reason my hope for them still lingered…only to be dashed by the boat sinking and them washing up on a deserted island. This is where the plot got gross, weird and completely unwatchable. It becomes clear on the island that Madonna, being the rich snob that she is, cannot fend for herself. She cannot find shelter, food or even water. But of course, Pepe can because he is handyman of sorts. As soon as he sees Madonna’s weakness that she cannot provide for herself, he turns the table on her and forces her to live by his rules if she wants to eat and drink and be happy. He calls her names, he hits her, and he orders her around to no end only to wait for her to think she can start eating but then demand her to do something else first. This goes on for quite awhile. Then there is one scene where it looks like he might end up raping her. He gets her all the way stripped down (and no, for anyone who thinks Madonna is a MILF, I didn’t see anything) but then he spits in her face and says “No, I will wait for you to fall in love with me”. By this point, I was completely disgusted…I couldn’t comprehend what was going to happen next…Madonna actually falls in love with the horrible guy. At first, it seems as she is just faking it so she can eat and drink water when she wants but as it progresses it becomes clear that no, we are to believe that she has fallen in love with this Italian creep. Then the rest of the movie, which seemed like it was longer than King Kong the remake, is about their disgusting yucky relationship and right when you think you cannot handle it anymore, they are rescued and Madonna goes back to her old way of life and he goes back to his…it was about the dumbest idea that I could have ever encountered in my life…I don’t understand why Guy Ritchie would let this movie come to life just to showcase his wife…it totally made me want to rethink whether or not I even liked the movie Snatch…which was very difficult because damn, that is a good movie…but anyway, there you have it. I realize this is probably the first time I have ever gone into such detail about the plot, and left most of my jokes out the window, but I really was dumbfounded by the movie and wanted everyone to understand how this movie made me feel afterwards, which was dirty and empty inside…I was almost considering watching a movie with Hilary Duff in it, just so I could understand the meaning of sweet, innocent (however, annoying) people again…ALMOST.
39th Worst Movie: Code Name: The Cleaner
“Code Name: The Cleaner”
Starring Cedric the Entertainer, Lucy Liu and Nicolette Sheridan
Directed by Les Mayfield
Nickname: The Spleener
By Michele Dillon
Only because about 1.5 of you understands my humor, so I will explain…the title of this review is supposed to symbolize that this movie was so bad, it ripped out my spleen. I know…pretty much the best one I have come up with yet.
I am pretty sure 1.5, if not all of you, know how much I do not enjoy Cedric the Entertainer…at the very least his name should be changed to Cedric: The Terminator of All Things Considered Funny. Maybe this goes back to my “this just isn’t my type of humor kind of thing”, but I would really hate to think that there is someone out there who really enjoyed this movie. Thought it was OK, maybe, LOVED IT, let’s hope not. Let’s play Would You Rather. Would you rather watch a movie with Cedric the Entertainer in it for the rest of your life or watch a movie with Hilary Duff in it for the rest of your life. My answer would be “I would rather gouge my eyeballs out, Alex”.
If I am going to publicly acknowledge this movie as bad, I should probably explain what the so called “plot” was about. Cedric wakes up with amnesia in a hotel with a dead FBI agent and a briefcase full of cash. This leads him to believe he is in the CIA and that something went wrong in his investigation….naturally. It basically is trying to spoof Bourne Identity the whole time but in a really bad way. So Cedric goes about half the movie not remembering anything but making up this double life for himself where he is some kind of respected spy but come to realize that he is actually a janitor who just got involved in something really bad. Ooops, I hope I didn’t wreck it for you…even though I was able to figure out what was going on about 2 minutes into the movie anyway so I’m sure you will be fine if you actually wanted to consider watching this.
I can’t really think of much else to say about this movie, other than list 3 things I would rather have been doing than watching it…
1.) Scrubbing a toilet in a male prison
2.) Plucking out my leg hairs individually
3.) Rubbing someone’s feet that has fungus
Starring Cedric the Entertainer, Lucy Liu and Nicolette Sheridan
Directed by Les Mayfield
Nickname: The Spleener
By Michele Dillon
Only because about 1.5 of you understands my humor, so I will explain…the title of this review is supposed to symbolize that this movie was so bad, it ripped out my spleen. I know…pretty much the best one I have come up with yet.
I am pretty sure 1.5, if not all of you, know how much I do not enjoy Cedric the Entertainer…at the very least his name should be changed to Cedric: The Terminator of All Things Considered Funny. Maybe this goes back to my “this just isn’t my type of humor kind of thing”, but I would really hate to think that there is someone out there who really enjoyed this movie. Thought it was OK, maybe, LOVED IT, let’s hope not. Let’s play Would You Rather. Would you rather watch a movie with Cedric the Entertainer in it for the rest of your life or watch a movie with Hilary Duff in it for the rest of your life. My answer would be “I would rather gouge my eyeballs out, Alex”.
If I am going to publicly acknowledge this movie as bad, I should probably explain what the so called “plot” was about. Cedric wakes up with amnesia in a hotel with a dead FBI agent and a briefcase full of cash. This leads him to believe he is in the CIA and that something went wrong in his investigation….naturally. It basically is trying to spoof Bourne Identity the whole time but in a really bad way. So Cedric goes about half the movie not remembering anything but making up this double life for himself where he is some kind of respected spy but come to realize that he is actually a janitor who just got involved in something really bad. Ooops, I hope I didn’t wreck it for you…even though I was able to figure out what was going on about 2 minutes into the movie anyway so I’m sure you will be fine if you actually wanted to consider watching this.
I can’t really think of much else to say about this movie, other than list 3 things I would rather have been doing than watching it…
1.) Scrubbing a toilet in a male prison
2.) Plucking out my leg hairs individually
3.) Rubbing someone’s feet that has fungus
Friday, June 4, 2010
40th Worst Movie: Big Momma’s House 2
“Big Momma’s House 2” Starring Martin Lawrence, Nia Long and Zachary Levi
Directed by John Whitesell
You’re Momma Is So Big…
By Michele Dillon
If anyone asked me 23 years ago, right when I popped out of my momma’s womb, whether I could have ever pictured myself watching a man in a fat suit and consider it funny, I would have said “WAAAA!!!” because come on now, I’m still a baby, that’s all I know how to say, but it would be portraying my sentiments exactly. Was there some part of my life I missed out on and I am the only one who thinks movies like this are not funny? It sure does seem like they make a lot of them if no one thinks they are funny. I will have to admit that it was way better than Norbit…by miles and miles…but that is really not saying much.
So summarized plot line of the story is Martin Lawrence is a cop, he wants to work on a case that he is not getting assigned so…naturally he dresses up as a big fat lady and becomes the in home nanny at the home they are investigating. That would have been my first suggestion as well…anyway things transpire and *SPOILER ALERT* eventually everything works out. I really wish there was something more exciting to talk about this movie but really there isn’t. Except that I could mention my favorite child star was in it as one of the little kids (Chloe Moretz Grace from Kick Ass). That’s about it…don’t know if you were ever planning on watching this movie but I will say that I wasn’t horrified about how bad it was, it just wasn’t really worth 1 ½ hours of my time.
Directed by John Whitesell
You’re Momma Is So Big…
By Michele Dillon
If anyone asked me 23 years ago, right when I popped out of my momma’s womb, whether I could have ever pictured myself watching a man in a fat suit and consider it funny, I would have said “WAAAA!!!” because come on now, I’m still a baby, that’s all I know how to say, but it would be portraying my sentiments exactly. Was there some part of my life I missed out on and I am the only one who thinks movies like this are not funny? It sure does seem like they make a lot of them if no one thinks they are funny. I will have to admit that it was way better than Norbit…by miles and miles…but that is really not saying much.
So summarized plot line of the story is Martin Lawrence is a cop, he wants to work on a case that he is not getting assigned so…naturally he dresses up as a big fat lady and becomes the in home nanny at the home they are investigating. That would have been my first suggestion as well…anyway things transpire and *SPOILER ALERT* eventually everything works out. I really wish there was something more exciting to talk about this movie but really there isn’t. Except that I could mention my favorite child star was in it as one of the little kids (Chloe Moretz Grace from Kick Ass). That’s about it…don’t know if you were ever planning on watching this movie but I will say that I wasn’t horrified about how bad it was, it just wasn’t really worth 1 ½ hours of my time.
41st Worst Movie: Supercross
“Supercross” Starring Steve Howey, Mike Vogel and Sophia Bush
Directed by Steve Boyum
Super Dense
By Michele Dillon
This is going to be difficult but…I’m sorry Steve Howey, but I just have to come right out and say it, you were only good in Reba and you cannot do drama very well. I guess that wasn’t as hard as I thought it was going to be (that’s what she said). Anyway, if I broke this movie down by its plot and its acting, really it wouldn’t be that bad. But put it all together and it…well, is. Maybe I am just too cynical of sports type movies but I think that they really get off too easy (that’s what she said). I mean, everybody just accepts that the plot of the movie is going to be bad, but they don’t care because it’s going to have sports in it. I think that is ridiculous! I don’t think that a movie should be allowed to get made unless it actually has the full package; acting, a good script; and a bad ass director who can make it all come together. What is with our general acceptance of how some movies are just meant to be bad and we are just supposed to deal with it? The three main genres that get away with this are horror, dance movies and sports movies. Someone has got to put an end to it! When will we finally stand up for ourselves and say: “WE WANT TO WATCH MOVIES ABOUT SPORTS AND NOT HAVE OUR IQ DROP 10 POINTS AT THE SAME TIME!”? What is so hard about making a movie like “The Blindside” or “Remember the Titans”? Those movies were able to integrate sports WITH good acting and plots.
Anyway, that is really all I have to say about this movie…which if I look back on it, really isn’t much about the movie at all but just about bad movies in general. I really do have a new found respect for half way decent movies now because I know that there are a lot of much more horrible movies out there that I have unfortunately had the opportunity to watch.
Directed by Steve Boyum
Super Dense
By Michele Dillon
This is going to be difficult but…I’m sorry Steve Howey, but I just have to come right out and say it, you were only good in Reba and you cannot do drama very well. I guess that wasn’t as hard as I thought it was going to be (that’s what she said). Anyway, if I broke this movie down by its plot and its acting, really it wouldn’t be that bad. But put it all together and it…well, is. Maybe I am just too cynical of sports type movies but I think that they really get off too easy (that’s what she said). I mean, everybody just accepts that the plot of the movie is going to be bad, but they don’t care because it’s going to have sports in it. I think that is ridiculous! I don’t think that a movie should be allowed to get made unless it actually has the full package; acting, a good script; and a bad ass director who can make it all come together. What is with our general acceptance of how some movies are just meant to be bad and we are just supposed to deal with it? The three main genres that get away with this are horror, dance movies and sports movies. Someone has got to put an end to it! When will we finally stand up for ourselves and say: “WE WANT TO WATCH MOVIES ABOUT SPORTS AND NOT HAVE OUR IQ DROP 10 POINTS AT THE SAME TIME!”? What is so hard about making a movie like “The Blindside” or “Remember the Titans”? Those movies were able to integrate sports WITH good acting and plots.
Anyway, that is really all I have to say about this movie…which if I look back on it, really isn’t much about the movie at all but just about bad movies in general. I really do have a new found respect for half way decent movies now because I know that there are a lot of much more horrible movies out there that I have unfortunately had the opportunity to watch.
42nd Worst Movie: The Fog
“The Fog” Starring Tom Welling, Maggie Grace and Selma Blair
Directed by Rupert Wainwright
The Mist: From The Tears Rolling Down My Face
By Michele Dillon
I can say that I have seen this movie before and I am really embarrassed to admit that it was in the theatre. I don’t really know what my thinking was at the time, other than me and my friend Stephanie used to go and watch scary movies when they first came out, no matter how bad they looked. I do remember that we left the theatre completely exhausted…from all the laughing. Between Selma Blair doing her fake sexy voice as a radio VJ and the THUMP THUMP THUMP to let you know when the fog was coming, it was a regular ole comedy up in there! Don’t even get me started on the ending!
Ok…well since you asked. So basically this old town is being haunted by fog. When the fog comes so does this old pirate boat that nobody sees (but we, as moviegoers were able too see it) and the pirate people get out of the boat and attack everybody in the town. Blah blah blah, yadda yadda yadda…and THEN as if THAT wasn’t enough-this girl decides that she is going to research the weird happenings going on. She keeps getting dreams like she’s from the olden days. Pretty much, stuff happens, and then a small group of people realize that the old invisible pirate people are actually the ghosts of people who had come to that town a long time ago and made a deal with the townspeople. The townspeople decided to take the deal but then kill off the pirate people by burning them in their boat. Now the pirate people are coming back to kill off every family member who was a part of that olden day pact. But get this, one of the pirate persons that were killed, looks just like the real girl who was investigating this whole thing. And this is the ending you have all been waiting for, she can see the invisible pirate people and so she walks up to her old ghost lover and kisses him and then SHE becomes a ghost? Are you completely confused? Yeah…basically there wasn’t any other better way to explain that where you weren’t going to be confused because that is like VERBATIM how the movie happened. So sorry to burst your bubble; I know you thought this movie was going to be amazing and all. Better luck next time!
Directed by Rupert Wainwright
The Mist: From The Tears Rolling Down My Face
By Michele Dillon
I can say that I have seen this movie before and I am really embarrassed to admit that it was in the theatre. I don’t really know what my thinking was at the time, other than me and my friend Stephanie used to go and watch scary movies when they first came out, no matter how bad they looked. I do remember that we left the theatre completely exhausted…from all the laughing. Between Selma Blair doing her fake sexy voice as a radio VJ and the THUMP THUMP THUMP to let you know when the fog was coming, it was a regular ole comedy up in there! Don’t even get me started on the ending!
Ok…well since you asked. So basically this old town is being haunted by fog. When the fog comes so does this old pirate boat that nobody sees (but we, as moviegoers were able too see it) and the pirate people get out of the boat and attack everybody in the town. Blah blah blah, yadda yadda yadda…and THEN as if THAT wasn’t enough-this girl decides that she is going to research the weird happenings going on. She keeps getting dreams like she’s from the olden days. Pretty much, stuff happens, and then a small group of people realize that the old invisible pirate people are actually the ghosts of people who had come to that town a long time ago and made a deal with the townspeople. The townspeople decided to take the deal but then kill off the pirate people by burning them in their boat. Now the pirate people are coming back to kill off every family member who was a part of that olden day pact. But get this, one of the pirate persons that were killed, looks just like the real girl who was investigating this whole thing. And this is the ending you have all been waiting for, she can see the invisible pirate people and so she walks up to her old ghost lover and kisses him and then SHE becomes a ghost? Are you completely confused? Yeah…basically there wasn’t any other better way to explain that where you weren’t going to be confused because that is like VERBATIM how the movie happened. So sorry to burst your bubble; I know you thought this movie was going to be amazing and all. Better luck next time!
43rd Worst Movie: Yu-Gi-Oh: The Movie
“Yu-Gi-Oh: The Movie” Starring Dan Green, Eric Stuart and Scottie Ray
Directed by Hatsuki Tsuji
Yugio Duel Monsters: Hikari No Pyramid
By Michele Dillon
So the heading, I am guessing, is the Japanese way to say the title of the movie, I thought it was pretty BA so I used it because you don’t want to know what other kind of original title I would have used to describe this movie. Ok, I will tell you anyway, here are a few I was thinking: Yu-Gi-Horrible, Yu-Go-Home, and Yu-Gi-Oh My. Ok, so they are not great but I was being about as creative as the creators of this movie. This movie is in desperate need of one of my lists.
This Movie Sucks Because…
It doesn’t make sense! I watched the entire movie (ok, I may have drifted off here and there) and none of it made sense! They are playing dueling cards??!! What kind of stupid crap is that?!
The one girl character that they made in the movie was wearing so short of a skirt, if she actually had lady parts, I would have seen them…wasn’t this made for kids?
The repetitive and irritating use of the name “Kaiba-boy”. It was used from one character to the other in uses such “you’ll never beat me Kaiba-boy”, “don’t try that one with me Kaiba-boy” and “oh no you didn’t Kaiba-boy”. Ok, so I made that last one up but I think you get the picture.
In the beginning of the movie when they are explaining the start of the story, they use the phrase “it was never to happen, and it hadn’t for 5,000 years” about oh I don’t know, A BILLION TIMES! Ok we get it! It was NEVER to happen! Stop saying that before I MAKE it happen again!
I don’t know what was with the narration of the movie but it was horrible! Horrible voice! Horrible dialogue! Horrible, Horrible, Yu-Gi-Horrible!
I don’t even know if this movie was made for kids, for adults or for idiots, but it NEVER should have been made and I am pretty confident that, even though I have not seen the rest of the movies on the list that this should have been the number one worst movie. Yeah I said it, NUMBER ONE!
Directed by Hatsuki Tsuji
Yugio Duel Monsters: Hikari No Pyramid
By Michele Dillon
So the heading, I am guessing, is the Japanese way to say the title of the movie, I thought it was pretty BA so I used it because you don’t want to know what other kind of original title I would have used to describe this movie. Ok, I will tell you anyway, here are a few I was thinking: Yu-Gi-Horrible, Yu-Go-Home, and Yu-Gi-Oh My. Ok, so they are not great but I was being about as creative as the creators of this movie. This movie is in desperate need of one of my lists.
This Movie Sucks Because…
It doesn’t make sense! I watched the entire movie (ok, I may have drifted off here and there) and none of it made sense! They are playing dueling cards??!! What kind of stupid crap is that?!
The one girl character that they made in the movie was wearing so short of a skirt, if she actually had lady parts, I would have seen them…wasn’t this made for kids?
The repetitive and irritating use of the name “Kaiba-boy”. It was used from one character to the other in uses such “you’ll never beat me Kaiba-boy”, “don’t try that one with me Kaiba-boy” and “oh no you didn’t Kaiba-boy”. Ok, so I made that last one up but I think you get the picture.
In the beginning of the movie when they are explaining the start of the story, they use the phrase “it was never to happen, and it hadn’t for 5,000 years” about oh I don’t know, A BILLION TIMES! Ok we get it! It was NEVER to happen! Stop saying that before I MAKE it happen again!
I don’t know what was with the narration of the movie but it was horrible! Horrible voice! Horrible dialogue! Horrible, Horrible, Yu-Gi-Horrible!
I don’t even know if this movie was made for kids, for adults or for idiots, but it NEVER should have been made and I am pretty confident that, even though I have not seen the rest of the movies on the list that this should have been the number one worst movie. Yeah I said it, NUMBER ONE!
44th Worst Movie: Material Girls
“Material Girls” Starring Hilary Duff, Haylie Duff and Angelica Houston
Directed by Martha Coolidge
Madonna Say What?
By Michele Dillon
Here are two things that Madonna and this movie have in common. One, the obvious, that the title of the movie is the title of one of her most famous songs and two, Madonna starred in a really bad movie (Swept Away-which is on this list) and this movie IS a bad movie. Some people say they don’t believe in “meant to be” but this should be sure fire proof that they are wrong.
Just like any good movie reviewer, I’m going to resort to making my pro’s and con’s list of this movie since I really don’t think I could come up with logical full sentences about it.
Pros
1.) I didn’t have to listen to Madonna sing “Material Girls” which I thought was going to be an expected
Cons
1.) I had to listen to Hilary and Haylie Duff sing “Material Girls” which I should have seen coming
2.) The amazingly bad outfits that they had to wear but were supposed to be considered fashionable…but at the same time, made me wonder why those things were not in my closet right this very second
3.) It is inconceivable that Hilary Duff still gets cast for movies with her high pitched squeaky annoying voice…I want to do either of two things when I hear it: vomit and/or run as fast as I can onto a chair because I think I hear a mouse
4.) Not to just dive right into making fun of the plot, but really, the plot was “a hot mess” (as my new comedian favorite Chelsea Handler likes to say)
5.)If I have to see Hilary Duff in one more of these Worst movies, I think that I should be given a medal…a medal for being able to not automatically take a whole bottle of vicodin in hopes that her face will get so blurry I will think its Ashley Tisdale or better yet, I will have to be airlifted to a hospital to have my stomach pumped which is what I really would rather be doing than watching this stupid girl act
6.) I don’t really remember (I confess, I took HALF a bottle of vicodin, but only HALF, I still deserve my medal), but did I already attack the plot, because if I haven’t, I just have to say, it was really dumb
7.) As always, I will end my cons list on the number 7 because I believe that since I am saying such negative things that the lucky number seven will even my negativity out and if I were to not survive my stomach being pumped (you know…if it must resort to those measures) than I would still get in to heaven (cause you know that is where Duff will go…but only if she dyes her hair back to blonde again and admits to having an eating disorder. At least that is the deal that God and Satan have…Satan only wants the fatties and the brunettes…that’s why I must never allow myself to become obese and if I do then I must immediately dye my hair blonde)
Just as a side note, I will save you the time of going back and looking at all my pros and cons list to see if I really did end on 7 each time…I really didn’t, I lied…but I never did say I deserved a medal for honesty…
Directed by Martha Coolidge
Madonna Say What?
By Michele Dillon
Here are two things that Madonna and this movie have in common. One, the obvious, that the title of the movie is the title of one of her most famous songs and two, Madonna starred in a really bad movie (Swept Away-which is on this list) and this movie IS a bad movie. Some people say they don’t believe in “meant to be” but this should be sure fire proof that they are wrong.
Just like any good movie reviewer, I’m going to resort to making my pro’s and con’s list of this movie since I really don’t think I could come up with logical full sentences about it.
Pros
1.) I didn’t have to listen to Madonna sing “Material Girls” which I thought was going to be an expected
Cons
1.) I had to listen to Hilary and Haylie Duff sing “Material Girls” which I should have seen coming
2.) The amazingly bad outfits that they had to wear but were supposed to be considered fashionable…but at the same time, made me wonder why those things were not in my closet right this very second
3.) It is inconceivable that Hilary Duff still gets cast for movies with her high pitched squeaky annoying voice…I want to do either of two things when I hear it: vomit and/or run as fast as I can onto a chair because I think I hear a mouse
4.) Not to just dive right into making fun of the plot, but really, the plot was “a hot mess” (as my new comedian favorite Chelsea Handler likes to say)
5.)If I have to see Hilary Duff in one more of these Worst movies, I think that I should be given a medal…a medal for being able to not automatically take a whole bottle of vicodin in hopes that her face will get so blurry I will think its Ashley Tisdale or better yet, I will have to be airlifted to a hospital to have my stomach pumped which is what I really would rather be doing than watching this stupid girl act
6.) I don’t really remember (I confess, I took HALF a bottle of vicodin, but only HALF, I still deserve my medal), but did I already attack the plot, because if I haven’t, I just have to say, it was really dumb
7.) As always, I will end my cons list on the number 7 because I believe that since I am saying such negative things that the lucky number seven will even my negativity out and if I were to not survive my stomach being pumped (you know…if it must resort to those measures) than I would still get in to heaven (cause you know that is where Duff will go…but only if she dyes her hair back to blonde again and admits to having an eating disorder. At least that is the deal that God and Satan have…Satan only wants the fatties and the brunettes…that’s why I must never allow myself to become obese and if I do then I must immediately dye my hair blonde)
Just as a side note, I will save you the time of going back and looking at all my pros and cons list to see if I really did end on 7 each time…I really didn’t, I lied…but I never did say I deserved a medal for honesty…
Wednesday, June 2, 2010
45th Worst Movie: Universal Soldier: The Return
“Universal Soldier: The Return” Starring Jean-Claude Van Damme, Xander Berkeley and Michael Jai White
Directed by Mic Rodgers
Why Exactly Did He Return?
By Michele Dillon
As if any movie that has Jean-Claude Van Damme in it could be good, it will come as no surprise to you that this movie did not stop that cycle. Does anyone else hate the types of jeans he wears? I find them very disgusting and offensive…I really don’t want to see Jean-Claude Van Damme’s body shape that well…I still can’t wrap my mind around the fact that this guy was a sex symbol…PUKE!
So if it helps you enjoy this it all, please read the review in a French accent. To assist with this, I will try to write it the way you should sound. Dis movie vas avout ‘ow unibersal soldzers (dead guys brought back to life to be army killing machines) turn on their makiers. Obbvossly, vis did not turn out vell.
It’s hard to believe, but that is actually really hard to do so I will continue in my really boring English accent (no, not British, I am not that cool). So after the universal soldiers turn on their makers, it is up to Jean-Claude Van Damme to make sure that the leader doesn’t get a hold of a secret code that only he knows that could either make the leader die or if he discovered it, could make him live forever…muhahahahahha!! Sorry, got carried away there…I think that it is OK to say this without it being a spoiler but once again, happy ending and the stinking dead guys/robots do not live forever and humans are back to being smarter than them...which I am not sure is all entirely true because I don’t think that a robot would have made a movie this dumb…but I am a human so I shouldn’t be racist against myself and just accept the fact that there are some really stupid people out there and I am obviously not one of the them.
What else can I say? Except that maybe Jean-Claude Van Damme should definitely get new pants…hello! We are in a new millennium here Jean…figure it out…
Directed by Mic Rodgers
Why Exactly Did He Return?
By Michele Dillon
As if any movie that has Jean-Claude Van Damme in it could be good, it will come as no surprise to you that this movie did not stop that cycle. Does anyone else hate the types of jeans he wears? I find them very disgusting and offensive…I really don’t want to see Jean-Claude Van Damme’s body shape that well…I still can’t wrap my mind around the fact that this guy was a sex symbol…PUKE!
So if it helps you enjoy this it all, please read the review in a French accent. To assist with this, I will try to write it the way you should sound. Dis movie vas avout ‘ow unibersal soldzers (dead guys brought back to life to be army killing machines) turn on their makiers. Obbvossly, vis did not turn out vell.
It’s hard to believe, but that is actually really hard to do so I will continue in my really boring English accent (no, not British, I am not that cool). So after the universal soldiers turn on their makers, it is up to Jean-Claude Van Damme to make sure that the leader doesn’t get a hold of a secret code that only he knows that could either make the leader die or if he discovered it, could make him live forever…muhahahahahha!! Sorry, got carried away there…I think that it is OK to say this without it being a spoiler but once again, happy ending and the stinking dead guys/robots do not live forever and humans are back to being smarter than them...which I am not sure is all entirely true because I don’t think that a robot would have made a movie this dumb…but I am a human so I shouldn’t be racist against myself and just accept the fact that there are some really stupid people out there and I am obviously not one of the them.
What else can I say? Except that maybe Jean-Claude Van Damme should definitely get new pants…hello! We are in a new millennium here Jean…figure it out…
46th Worst Movie: The Forsaken
“The Forsaken” Starring Kerr Smith, Brendan Fehr and Izabella Miko
Directed by J.S. Cardone
Oh J.S. Cardone! Why have you Forsaken ME?!!
By Michele Dillon
Anyone heard of this director? Yeah…didn’t think so…that’s because whenever this movie first came out, I am pretty sure that someone hunted him down and then killed him for making such a god-awful movie. Ok, so it’s a vampire movie…no no…don’t get too excited…it wasn’t that kind of vampire movie. It was a HORRIBLE inconceivable vampire movie! It was about vampires who go around, just for fun, at night and punching holes in people’s stomachs and not just sucking their blood…eating their flesh and being completely disgusting about it too! I mean, they didn’t even use forks!! And on top of that, I’m pretty sure this was supposed to be the twist in the movie or something, if you get bitten by a vampire and they don’t, you know…kill you and eat you, then you will turn into one too BUT this guy figured out if you take a bunch of prescription pills together then it delays the transformation for up to a year. He uses that time to track down the vampire that bit him because supposedly if you kill the original vampire then the virus is lifted…like that makes any sense at all! What’s even worse is that this movie was just made in 2001…only 9 years ago! It wasn’t even an early 90’s movie where you could still experiment with pieces of junk movies like this…OK, that’s IT! No more disgusting movies! I’m putting my foot down!
Directed by J.S. Cardone
Oh J.S. Cardone! Why have you Forsaken ME?!!
By Michele Dillon
Anyone heard of this director? Yeah…didn’t think so…that’s because whenever this movie first came out, I am pretty sure that someone hunted him down and then killed him for making such a god-awful movie. Ok, so it’s a vampire movie…no no…don’t get too excited…it wasn’t that kind of vampire movie. It was a HORRIBLE inconceivable vampire movie! It was about vampires who go around, just for fun, at night and punching holes in people’s stomachs and not just sucking their blood…eating their flesh and being completely disgusting about it too! I mean, they didn’t even use forks!! And on top of that, I’m pretty sure this was supposed to be the twist in the movie or something, if you get bitten by a vampire and they don’t, you know…kill you and eat you, then you will turn into one too BUT this guy figured out if you take a bunch of prescription pills together then it delays the transformation for up to a year. He uses that time to track down the vampire that bit him because supposedly if you kill the original vampire then the virus is lifted…like that makes any sense at all! What’s even worse is that this movie was just made in 2001…only 9 years ago! It wasn’t even an early 90’s movie where you could still experiment with pieces of junk movies like this…OK, that’s IT! No more disgusting movies! I’m putting my foot down!
47th Worst Movie: Extreme Ops
“Extreme Ops” Starring Devon Sawa, Bridgette Wilson and Rufus Sewell
Directed by Christian Duguay
Extreme OOPS
By Michele Dillon
Yeah, I know, pretty much a 2 year old could have come up with that headline but hey…that’s what watching these movies causes me to resort too. Don’t be surprised if you see a lot of that throughout this review.
I was EXTREMEly disappointed in how bad this film actually was. First off, the foundation of the movie is based on a story of snowboarders and skiers who agree to get filmed coming down a hill while being chased by an actual avalanche (for some kind of EXTREME sports movie that a director is making). But then the movie turns into one that is about murder and “suspense”…out of nowhere…like where the hell did that come from? And it didn’t even make logical sense. Some crazy mob guy sees one of the skiers filming a guy making out with this girl when the guy is actually supposed to be dead. He did some kind of “fake your own death” thing so a pending trial would get dismissed. But instead of the mob guy just trying to go in and steal the video tape (which would have been pretty easy to do), he goes in and holds a gun to the boy’s head and demands the video tape and the boy didn’t even know that what he was filming was suspicious in the first place! But now he knows that something fishy is going on so he brings everyone else into it. How stupid can you get? My number one biggest pet peeve is when a movie gets made and all the characters are made into these illogical dumb dumbs because the filmmaker/screenwriter thinks that is the only way we will believe that this plot could have happened. In reality, they could have pulled it off making them smart characters AND the movie would have been way better if they did it that way. Anyway, I guess that I can’t really be too critical because I haven’t even made ONE movie and at least Christian Duguay can say he has…even though it sucked balls and I wish I never saw it.
Directed by Christian Duguay
Extreme OOPS
By Michele Dillon
Yeah, I know, pretty much a 2 year old could have come up with that headline but hey…that’s what watching these movies causes me to resort too. Don’t be surprised if you see a lot of that throughout this review.
I was EXTREMEly disappointed in how bad this film actually was. First off, the foundation of the movie is based on a story of snowboarders and skiers who agree to get filmed coming down a hill while being chased by an actual avalanche (for some kind of EXTREME sports movie that a director is making). But then the movie turns into one that is about murder and “suspense”…out of nowhere…like where the hell did that come from? And it didn’t even make logical sense. Some crazy mob guy sees one of the skiers filming a guy making out with this girl when the guy is actually supposed to be dead. He did some kind of “fake your own death” thing so a pending trial would get dismissed. But instead of the mob guy just trying to go in and steal the video tape (which would have been pretty easy to do), he goes in and holds a gun to the boy’s head and demands the video tape and the boy didn’t even know that what he was filming was suspicious in the first place! But now he knows that something fishy is going on so he brings everyone else into it. How stupid can you get? My number one biggest pet peeve is when a movie gets made and all the characters are made into these illogical dumb dumbs because the filmmaker/screenwriter thinks that is the only way we will believe that this plot could have happened. In reality, they could have pulled it off making them smart characters AND the movie would have been way better if they did it that way. Anyway, I guess that I can’t really be too critical because I haven’t even made ONE movie and at least Christian Duguay can say he has…even though it sucked balls and I wish I never saw it.
48th Worst Movie: The Adventures of Pluto Nash
“The Adventures of Pluto Nash” Starring Eddie Murphy, Rosario Dawson and Randy Quaid
Directed by Ron Underwood
The Really Un-exciting Adventures of a Person with a Horrible Name
By Michele Dillon
Alright, let’s get it over with and right out into the open…I am in love with Eddie Murphy. His voice, his hair, his acting abilities down to his crazy out there funniness…man, if only there was a way I could meet him, I just know I could make him love me back. (This paragraph is best understood if read in a sarcastic tone).
Ok, now that that is out of the way; what was up with this movie? As I was watching it, I was wondering, as I often do, how this movie even got past the pre-production phase…as in the pre-pre-production phase where the movie hasn’t even been bought by a studio yet. It just boggles my mind how movies like this can get made and yet I am still not making movies. Yes, I know, it all comes down to dedication and you know “actually trying” but really, if I had done even either of those things…I could have made a really sh***y movie by now! If only! Can you think of it? I would title it “The Dumbest Movie Ever” Starring Jackie Chan, Eddie Murphy, Cedric the Entertainer and Scarlet Johannson (AKA the dumbest actors ever). It would be amazingly bad! Come to think of it, I am going to start writing it now…I just hope that I can get the cast I am picturing….ahh, who am I kidding, they’ve got nothing else better to do!
Anyway, I totally lost track of the fact that I am writing a review and not telling you about my awesome future plans for my life…so this movie, um…I really don’t know…I did watch it…it’s just…hmmm…OK, yes, I believe there was Eddie Murphy and he lived on the moon (by the way, the moon is very dusty, don’t ever try to live there) and someone was trying to take over all of the moon’s businesses in order to make the whole moon a casino (I know, why didn’t I think of this). So as if that wasn’t enough of a plot to keep you going (which, by the way, it really wasn’t) then they also added some running away and some hiding and even the all inclusive cloning! If I haven’t sold you on this movie yet then you just have no creativity or imagination.
So anyway, obviously I loved this movie and I will immediately go out and buy it and watch it every day. (Come to think of it, this whole review would be best understood if read in a sarcastic tone)
Directed by Ron Underwood
The Really Un-exciting Adventures of a Person with a Horrible Name
By Michele Dillon
Alright, let’s get it over with and right out into the open…I am in love with Eddie Murphy. His voice, his hair, his acting abilities down to his crazy out there funniness…man, if only there was a way I could meet him, I just know I could make him love me back. (This paragraph is best understood if read in a sarcastic tone).
Ok, now that that is out of the way; what was up with this movie? As I was watching it, I was wondering, as I often do, how this movie even got past the pre-production phase…as in the pre-pre-production phase where the movie hasn’t even been bought by a studio yet. It just boggles my mind how movies like this can get made and yet I am still not making movies. Yes, I know, it all comes down to dedication and you know “actually trying” but really, if I had done even either of those things…I could have made a really sh***y movie by now! If only! Can you think of it? I would title it “The Dumbest Movie Ever” Starring Jackie Chan, Eddie Murphy, Cedric the Entertainer and Scarlet Johannson (AKA the dumbest actors ever). It would be amazingly bad! Come to think of it, I am going to start writing it now…I just hope that I can get the cast I am picturing….ahh, who am I kidding, they’ve got nothing else better to do!
Anyway, I totally lost track of the fact that I am writing a review and not telling you about my awesome future plans for my life…so this movie, um…I really don’t know…I did watch it…it’s just…hmmm…OK, yes, I believe there was Eddie Murphy and he lived on the moon (by the way, the moon is very dusty, don’t ever try to live there) and someone was trying to take over all of the moon’s businesses in order to make the whole moon a casino (I know, why didn’t I think of this). So as if that wasn’t enough of a plot to keep you going (which, by the way, it really wasn’t) then they also added some running away and some hiding and even the all inclusive cloning! If I haven’t sold you on this movie yet then you just have no creativity or imagination.
So anyway, obviously I loved this movie and I will immediately go out and buy it and watch it every day. (Come to think of it, this whole review would be best understood if read in a sarcastic tone)
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