“Happily N’Ever After” Starring Sarah Michelle Gellar, Freddie Prinze Jr. and George Carlin
Directed by Paul Bolger and Yvette Kaplan
Happily Always After
By Michele Dillon
Oh my goodness…why do I even have to review this movie? I think it is going to be pretty self explanatory that it is going to be a horrible movie because…
Things That Are Ironic/Dumb About This Movie
1.) It claims to not have a happy ending from the title…but it still has a happy ending.
2.) Sarah Michelle Gellar and Freddie Prinze Jr. play the two love interests (p.s. they are married in real life, just in case you didn’t know).
3.) Its a kids movie, why does it even need to be critiqued? Unless it’s Yu Gi Oh, I have no qualms against kid movies but I am not going to generally enjoy them unless they have adult like material in them as well (aka Shrek).
3.) Its basic plot is just another twist on the story of Cinderella; I am so sick and tired of people trying to remake the story into how they want it to play out…it’s stupid!
And Michele lived depressingly ever after (after having to watch this movie)
THE END
Wednesday, September 15, 2010
25th Worst Movie: Down To You
"Down To You"
Starring Julia Stiles, Freddie Prinze Jr. and Selma Blair
Directed by Kris Isaccsson
Down To The Nitty Gritty
Michele Dillon
In case you are on the edge of your seat wondering what the nitty gritty is, I will tell you: the nitty gritty is where I would rather have been than watching this movie. To have to watch a movie with Julia Stiles AND Freddie Prinze Jr., I didn’t think that I would survive, let alone be able to make it through the opening 15 minutes. I LOATHE Julia Stiles. Sometimes I sit up at night wondering how someone like her could have gotten in the acting business. Let’s look at the facts here. 1.) She can’t act, so logically you would think that she would have to be good looking, 2.) She is not good looking, so logically you would think she might have to have big boobs or a good body, 3.) She does not have big boobs or a nice body, so naturally you would think that if she doesn’t have those three things that there is only one option for her to have broken into the movie biz and that would be 4.) She slept with someone really powerful and that has a fetish for sleeping with girls with bags over their head.
Ok, ok, I will stop ragging on Julia Stiles for the moment and start talking about the movie itself. Um, no, in case you were wondering, I do NOT like it when actors talk directly into the camera as if they are telling the story to someone (not to be confused with documentary style sitcom filming of The Office or Parks and Recreation…completely different dynamic and works well). This was not done documentary style, it was done in the style of the director thinking “I don’t want to do voice over with two different people, and I don’t want to film scenes that we have to make lots of sets for so my only option is to put them both in front of the camera to talk for ¾ of the movie”. If you ever want to see someone barf into their own mouth, then you should have been there while I was watching this. The worst part is, the movie left a worst aftertaste in my mouth than the barfing did. I really don’t think anything else better than that can describe the train wreck that is this movie and everything about it so I think that I will leave you with that. I’m really sorry but the puke taste is coming back just thinking about it.
Starring Julia Stiles, Freddie Prinze Jr. and Selma Blair
Directed by Kris Isaccsson
Down To The Nitty Gritty
Michele Dillon
In case you are on the edge of your seat wondering what the nitty gritty is, I will tell you: the nitty gritty is where I would rather have been than watching this movie. To have to watch a movie with Julia Stiles AND Freddie Prinze Jr., I didn’t think that I would survive, let alone be able to make it through the opening 15 minutes. I LOATHE Julia Stiles. Sometimes I sit up at night wondering how someone like her could have gotten in the acting business. Let’s look at the facts here. 1.) She can’t act, so logically you would think that she would have to be good looking, 2.) She is not good looking, so logically you would think she might have to have big boobs or a good body, 3.) She does not have big boobs or a nice body, so naturally you would think that if she doesn’t have those three things that there is only one option for her to have broken into the movie biz and that would be 4.) She slept with someone really powerful and that has a fetish for sleeping with girls with bags over their head.
Ok, ok, I will stop ragging on Julia Stiles for the moment and start talking about the movie itself. Um, no, in case you were wondering, I do NOT like it when actors talk directly into the camera as if they are telling the story to someone (not to be confused with documentary style sitcom filming of The Office or Parks and Recreation…completely different dynamic and works well). This was not done documentary style, it was done in the style of the director thinking “I don’t want to do voice over with two different people, and I don’t want to film scenes that we have to make lots of sets for so my only option is to put them both in front of the camera to talk for ¾ of the movie”. If you ever want to see someone barf into their own mouth, then you should have been there while I was watching this. The worst part is, the movie left a worst aftertaste in my mouth than the barfing did. I really don’t think anything else better than that can describe the train wreck that is this movie and everything about it so I think that I will leave you with that. I’m really sorry but the puke taste is coming back just thinking about it.
26th Worst Movie: House of the Dead
“House of the Dead”
Starring Jonathan Cherry, Tyron Leitso and Clint Howard
Directed by Uwe Boll
House of the Dead Faces
By Michele Dillon
When I looked at this movie title, I almost forgot what movie this was. It was completely not memorable in any aspect. For the most part, the movie was funny…but I don’t think it meant to be. What was funny about it was that we are expected to believe that these teenagers who were going to a rave are just automatically bad-ass and they know how to use guns and do karate…it just didn’t seem plausible. On top of all that, the actors were hilarious. Trying to decipher which emotion they were trying to portray nearly took all my energy and I didn’t have time to pay attention to the plot. Or maybe, I just didn’t want to pay attention to the plot since it was lacking. Lacking a good script, lacking good actors, lacking a believable set and lacking anybody good looking (which is usually supposed to make up for the horrible horror movie you decided to watch).
If I am to watch a scary movie, I can usually except a few jumps here and there due to the unexpected events that occur. I don’t remember jumping once. So if this was supposed to be a scary movie, what did it have going for it? The fact that it has a creepy title? The really ugly but not realistic looking prosthetic zombie faces? I find it hard to believe that anyone in their right mind would think they could make this into something wonderful. But yet again, if your parents name you Uwe, you might be expected to not be in your right mind.
Starring Jonathan Cherry, Tyron Leitso and Clint Howard
Directed by Uwe Boll
House of the Dead Faces
By Michele Dillon
When I looked at this movie title, I almost forgot what movie this was. It was completely not memorable in any aspect. For the most part, the movie was funny…but I don’t think it meant to be. What was funny about it was that we are expected to believe that these teenagers who were going to a rave are just automatically bad-ass and they know how to use guns and do karate…it just didn’t seem plausible. On top of all that, the actors were hilarious. Trying to decipher which emotion they were trying to portray nearly took all my energy and I didn’t have time to pay attention to the plot. Or maybe, I just didn’t want to pay attention to the plot since it was lacking. Lacking a good script, lacking good actors, lacking a believable set and lacking anybody good looking (which is usually supposed to make up for the horrible horror movie you decided to watch).
If I am to watch a scary movie, I can usually except a few jumps here and there due to the unexpected events that occur. I don’t remember jumping once. So if this was supposed to be a scary movie, what did it have going for it? The fact that it has a creepy title? The really ugly but not realistic looking prosthetic zombie faces? I find it hard to believe that anyone in their right mind would think they could make this into something wonderful. But yet again, if your parents name you Uwe, you might be expected to not be in your right mind.
27th Worst Movie: The In Crowd
"The In Crowd"
Starring Susan Ward, Lori Heuring and Matthew Settle
Directed by Mary Lambert
The Lame Crowd
By Michele Dillon
It seems like this movie could have had a lot of potential. If they just tweaked the script a little, recast all the actors, possibly found a different director and made it a high budget film…it probably could have been a flop in the box office instead of a flop on the straight to DVD. Actually, I am really not sure if this movie came to theatres since it was a while ago that it was made but I can’t imagine that this would have made it to the big screen. But who knows, they bring lots of horrible movies to the big screen and nominate the horrible actors for Oscars from them all the time (Happy Go Lucky anyone?).
Let’s just go right into it. A girl who has had some psychiatric problems is allowed to work at a high class country club in order to get her life back in order. She starts to become friends with the most popular girl from the country club until things turn for the nasty. She discovers secrets about the girl, secrets that could mean there was a murder that happened in the town that no one even knows about. Oooo, suspenseful right? Not really, they spent so much time drawing out scenes that were unnecessary and trying to build suspense in places that it made no sense that by the time anything was revealed that was supposed to be a shock, it wasn’t. I watch enough movies to pay attention to foreshadowing. In this movie, I don’t even think you could call it that because you saw everything coming from 50 miles away (now, that’s good eyesight). I just don’t know how else to explain this movie, other than “it was lame”.
Starring Susan Ward, Lori Heuring and Matthew Settle
Directed by Mary Lambert
The Lame Crowd
By Michele Dillon
It seems like this movie could have had a lot of potential. If they just tweaked the script a little, recast all the actors, possibly found a different director and made it a high budget film…it probably could have been a flop in the box office instead of a flop on the straight to DVD. Actually, I am really not sure if this movie came to theatres since it was a while ago that it was made but I can’t imagine that this would have made it to the big screen. But who knows, they bring lots of horrible movies to the big screen and nominate the horrible actors for Oscars from them all the time (Happy Go Lucky anyone?).
Let’s just go right into it. A girl who has had some psychiatric problems is allowed to work at a high class country club in order to get her life back in order. She starts to become friends with the most popular girl from the country club until things turn for the nasty. She discovers secrets about the girl, secrets that could mean there was a murder that happened in the town that no one even knows about. Oooo, suspenseful right? Not really, they spent so much time drawing out scenes that were unnecessary and trying to build suspense in places that it made no sense that by the time anything was revealed that was supposed to be a shock, it wasn’t. I watch enough movies to pay attention to foreshadowing. In this movie, I don’t even think you could call it that because you saw everything coming from 50 miles away (now, that’s good eyesight). I just don’t know how else to explain this movie, other than “it was lame”.
28th Worst Movie: Darkness
“Darkness” Starring Anna Paquin, Lena Olin and Iain Glen
Directed by Jaume Balaguero
I Want To Be Back In The Light
By Michele Dillon
I came to a realization during this movie: Anna Paquin can’t act! I never really noticed it before because she has only been a few movies that I have enjoyed and those all include the X-Men series. I just thought that everybody in that movie was having a bad acting experience because those types of movies are really just focused on the action rather than anything else and if they are pulled off right then it doesn’t matter. But put Anna Paquin in a non action movie with a really bad script, and you can totally see her dreadful acting.
It took this movie a long time to get started. There would be a normal scene and Paquin would be talking about how she thinks something weird is going on and then there would be a flash of a kid standing in the dark and then it would move on. Then it would almost repeat the same scene again but nothing major would happen. Then in the last 15 minutes everything happened in full speed and I was on the edge of my seat…ready to turn the DVD off. I’m a pretty easily scared person. I am actually pretty certain that if I were to star in a scary movie, there would be no need for fake screaming. However, this movie was very likely one of the un-scariest movies I have ever seen.
The story of the movie is this family that moves to Spain (for a reason that was never explained). Once they are moved in, weird things start to happen. Paquin’s little brother wakes up with bruises on his body and her dad starts up with his fits again (something called Harrington syndrome which they thought he was cured). Whenever Paquin tells her mother about these things, she just dismisses it and tells her it’s nothing to worry about (since when did a mother never care that her own son has bruises all over himself?). Paquin takes things in her own hands and researches the history of the house along with a friend of hers. She finds out that 40 years ago some kind of occult was happening and 7 children had gone missing and were never found. I don’t want to give away any more of the movie because it was just too amazing and I want you to find out for yourself (looks like I could be in a movie about sarcasm too!)
Directed by Jaume Balaguero
I Want To Be Back In The Light
By Michele Dillon
I came to a realization during this movie: Anna Paquin can’t act! I never really noticed it before because she has only been a few movies that I have enjoyed and those all include the X-Men series. I just thought that everybody in that movie was having a bad acting experience because those types of movies are really just focused on the action rather than anything else and if they are pulled off right then it doesn’t matter. But put Anna Paquin in a non action movie with a really bad script, and you can totally see her dreadful acting.
It took this movie a long time to get started. There would be a normal scene and Paquin would be talking about how she thinks something weird is going on and then there would be a flash of a kid standing in the dark and then it would move on. Then it would almost repeat the same scene again but nothing major would happen. Then in the last 15 minutes everything happened in full speed and I was on the edge of my seat…ready to turn the DVD off. I’m a pretty easily scared person. I am actually pretty certain that if I were to star in a scary movie, there would be no need for fake screaming. However, this movie was very likely one of the un-scariest movies I have ever seen.
The story of the movie is this family that moves to Spain (for a reason that was never explained). Once they are moved in, weird things start to happen. Paquin’s little brother wakes up with bruises on his body and her dad starts up with his fits again (something called Harrington syndrome which they thought he was cured). Whenever Paquin tells her mother about these things, she just dismisses it and tells her it’s nothing to worry about (since when did a mother never care that her own son has bruises all over himself?). Paquin takes things in her own hands and researches the history of the house along with a friend of hers. She finds out that 40 years ago some kind of occult was happening and 7 children had gone missing and were never found. I don’t want to give away any more of the movie because it was just too amazing and I want you to find out for yourself (looks like I could be in a movie about sarcasm too!)
29th Worst Movie: My Baby’s Daddy
“My Baby’s Daddy” Starring Eddie Griffin, Anthony Anderson and Michael Imperioli
Directed by Cheryl Dunye
My Baby’s Really Horrible Daddy
By Michele Dillon
This movie was so bad that I was really dreading writing this blog. I kept thinking that I could ignore it but then realized that if I don’t post this one than I won’t get to post the movie next in line and then I will never finish this blog ever. I’m mostly finishing this for my own sake. There isn’t anyone hanging on my every word or anything, but I feel like I put myself through watching all these horrible movies that I have to actually follow through with it. This movie is a case in example of how horrified I would feel if I watched it for no reason. Why else would I put myself through it? For one thing, I am so sick of Anthony Anderson that if I see him in one more movie, I might have to track him down and cut his tongue out so he may never speak let only act again. What is with his high pitched voice? It’s always got a tinge of annoyance in it, like he is going to complain about something so you better get ready. It’s no mistake that he was in a lot of movies on this Worst list. He is one of the WORST actors ever. How he was allowed to be a part of a Law and Order series, I will never know.
So do I really have to talk about this movie? I feel like any more of my involvement may lead to me disliking all future movies I may watch. But oh all right, I guess if I am supposed to review it, I’ll spew my ghastly opinion of this movie…I’ll vomit the words right on to the page.
This movie was about three friends who are in their 30’s (that’s being kind) who still live with one of their family members and have parties all the time and treat women like they are just pieces of ass/meat (to be fair, the women let them, but very unbelievably because these men are not good looking in the least). All three of them manage to impregnate the women that they have in their lives at the time, all at the same time. So now (supposedly) they are supposed to grow up and be dads. But predictably, they are horrible at it and they are still just selfish men who want to do whatever they want. As the movies progresses, of course, they start to learn lessons, go through very unfunny (but I’m assuming they are supposed to be funny) situations with the baby and in the end understand what it means to be a father (unsurprisingly).
I don’t understand where the humor was supposed to be anywhere in this film. I did not laugh once. I cringed about a thousand times. I wanted to pee my pants from the idiocy. Never once have I ever felt the urge to pee because of senselessness…not once. I didn’t even think it was possible and I don’t even know what it means; I just know that my bladder was so compelled to be away from this movie that it felt the need to become full so as to make me leave the room for even just one blissful minute. I did not feel the need to press pause because I knew where the movie was going and I didn’t like it. I did, however, feel the need to press stop the second the screen turned black for the credits to roll.
Directed by Cheryl Dunye
My Baby’s Really Horrible Daddy
By Michele Dillon
This movie was so bad that I was really dreading writing this blog. I kept thinking that I could ignore it but then realized that if I don’t post this one than I won’t get to post the movie next in line and then I will never finish this blog ever. I’m mostly finishing this for my own sake. There isn’t anyone hanging on my every word or anything, but I feel like I put myself through watching all these horrible movies that I have to actually follow through with it. This movie is a case in example of how horrified I would feel if I watched it for no reason. Why else would I put myself through it? For one thing, I am so sick of Anthony Anderson that if I see him in one more movie, I might have to track him down and cut his tongue out so he may never speak let only act again. What is with his high pitched voice? It’s always got a tinge of annoyance in it, like he is going to complain about something so you better get ready. It’s no mistake that he was in a lot of movies on this Worst list. He is one of the WORST actors ever. How he was allowed to be a part of a Law and Order series, I will never know.
So do I really have to talk about this movie? I feel like any more of my involvement may lead to me disliking all future movies I may watch. But oh all right, I guess if I am supposed to review it, I’ll spew my ghastly opinion of this movie…I’ll vomit the words right on to the page.
This movie was about three friends who are in their 30’s (that’s being kind) who still live with one of their family members and have parties all the time and treat women like they are just pieces of ass/meat (to be fair, the women let them, but very unbelievably because these men are not good looking in the least). All three of them manage to impregnate the women that they have in their lives at the time, all at the same time. So now (supposedly) they are supposed to grow up and be dads. But predictably, they are horrible at it and they are still just selfish men who want to do whatever they want. As the movies progresses, of course, they start to learn lessons, go through very unfunny (but I’m assuming they are supposed to be funny) situations with the baby and in the end understand what it means to be a father (unsurprisingly).
I don’t understand where the humor was supposed to be anywhere in this film. I did not laugh once. I cringed about a thousand times. I wanted to pee my pants from the idiocy. Never once have I ever felt the urge to pee because of senselessness…not once. I didn’t even think it was possible and I don’t even know what it means; I just know that my bladder was so compelled to be away from this movie that it felt the need to become full so as to make me leave the room for even just one blissful minute. I did not feel the need to press pause because I knew where the movie was going and I didn’t like it. I did, however, feel the need to press stop the second the screen turned black for the credits to roll.
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