“Bless the Child” Starring Kim Basinger, Jimmy Smits and Rufus Sewell
Directed by Chuck Russell
Forgive Me Father, For I Have Sinned; It's Been 8 Days Since My Last Blog; Since Then, I Have Watched A Really Bad Movie...A Really Really Bad Movie
By Michele Dillon
Ahhh…Kim Basinger, my “favorite” actress in my “favorite” type of movie; horror/suspense/thriller/blah…a movie that does not know what type of movie it wants to be, if you will. Or a movie that tries to fit so many different ideas into one that it becomes un-comprehendible, if you will. Or a movie that is so horribly bad that I am really close to swearing off movies (I said CLOSE), if you will. I am beginning to think that I am a really negative person, and I am not sure if it came about from having to watch so many of these horrible movies or if its always been lingering there, waiting for me to pounce on the next easy target that came my way; that easy target being, almost every single movie on this list. Ok so here comes the part of the review where I actually have to review the movie (because if I dont, then this really wouldnt be a movie review blog...scowl).
The premise (or stupidest idea ever) of the movie is this one woman (Kim Basinger) who has a horrible sister who has a baby and a drug problem. She ditches the baby at her sister's house and so it comes to be that the woman raises her sister's child. But then some odd years later, the sister is back in the picture but she has this awful new husband who wants to take custody of the child and since technically…she is still her child, there is nothing Kim can really do…except, wait for it, fight to the death (not really) to keep the child away from the evil parents (something to do with the devil…and some kind of cult of missing children…blah, blah, blah). Are you still paying attention? Really you are? That was a bad decision on your part because you could have stopped reading at the first sentence and yet you still kept reading…maybe thinking that it was going to get better, or that I was going to make some kind of really funny joke? Well you have been failed on both parts and I only partially feel bad for you. You really should have stopped reading at the moment you saw that Kim Basinger was starring in this movie…I would have forgave you, I really would have.
Thursday, December 2, 2010
Wednesday, November 24, 2010
22nd Worst Movie: Son of the Mask
“Son of the Mask” Starring Jamie Kennedy, Alan Cumming and Traylor Howard
Directed by Lawrence Guterman
Son of the Boring Movie That Never Ends
By Michele Dillon
I don’t remember ever feeling the need for them to make a sequel to the movie The Mask, especially not one that doesn’t include Jim Carrey (the person who carried the original movie). I don’t even know if this can technically qualify as a sequel since really the only idea that they took from the original was the whole “mask turns you into evil/crazy type thing”. Everything else was an over abundance of unnecessary plot lines. I guess that is what you can expect from the same director of Cats and Dogs. After researching him on IMDB, I came to discover that Son of the Mask was only his fourth directed movie (and his last since 2005). Poor Lawrence, production companies probably stopped taking a leap of faith for him after this movie probably tanked. I can only imagine it did, although I did not look up the specific numbers.
I’m really surprised that Jaime Kennedy is even still an actor since he can’t, well, act. I can say that he does better with comedy than drama but not by much. I know that I speak more of the actors and the directors and the screenplay more than I do about the actual movie itself, but really when you are watching a movie this horrific, that’s all you can do. You can’t really look at the cinematography or the special effects or any of those sorts of things because they are practically non existent. I am trying my hardest here to actually like ONE of these movies. So far I believe the count is 2/78 watched so far…give or take. I really don’t think those are good odds unless the last 21 movies end up being amazing…I’ll keep you posted.
Directed by Lawrence Guterman
Son of the Boring Movie That Never Ends
By Michele Dillon
I don’t remember ever feeling the need for them to make a sequel to the movie The Mask, especially not one that doesn’t include Jim Carrey (the person who carried the original movie). I don’t even know if this can technically qualify as a sequel since really the only idea that they took from the original was the whole “mask turns you into evil/crazy type thing”. Everything else was an over abundance of unnecessary plot lines. I guess that is what you can expect from the same director of Cats and Dogs. After researching him on IMDB, I came to discover that Son of the Mask was only his fourth directed movie (and his last since 2005). Poor Lawrence, production companies probably stopped taking a leap of faith for him after this movie probably tanked. I can only imagine it did, although I did not look up the specific numbers.
I’m really surprised that Jaime Kennedy is even still an actor since he can’t, well, act. I can say that he does better with comedy than drama but not by much. I know that I speak more of the actors and the directors and the screenplay more than I do about the actual movie itself, but really when you are watching a movie this horrific, that’s all you can do. You can’t really look at the cinematography or the special effects or any of those sorts of things because they are practically non existent. I am trying my hardest here to actually like ONE of these movies. So far I believe the count is 2/78 watched so far…give or take. I really don’t think those are good odds unless the last 21 movies end up being amazing…I’ll keep you posted.
Tuesday, November 23, 2010
23rd Worst Movie: Fear Dot Com
“Fear Dot Com” Starring Stephen Dorff, Stephen Rea and Natasha McElhone
Directed by William Malone
Fear Dot Wrong
By Michele Dillon
I don’t think that it’s a coincidence that most of the movies on this list are scary/horror movies. The reason for that being 1.) They are way over made (seriously, think of something else Hollywood!) and 2.) Rarely is enough time spent on the storyline and the script, it’s like they feel that as long as they can make people jump, we won’t realize that none of the movie makes sense. Well guess what? *I* do! If not anyone else out there who pays attention to the plot and how it connects (or disconnects in most cases) then there is at least me. Yes, this may get me to be deemed as overly critical or “lame” but what is a girl to do with her time, other than rethink and rethink the plot of a movie right after she has watched it? I am a little crazy, I will admit that, not everyone really cares about all the miniscule things that I do when it comes to movies (such as that person is wearing a different shirt in the same scene), but really, there are some things that are so blatantly forgotten that I wonder how other people do not pick up on it (or care about it at least). To get on with the actual review of the movie, I guess we will first need to pick apart the very essence of the idea (if you even want to call it that). The premise of this movie is that people are dying because they logged on to a certain website (feardotcom.com), and Stephen Dorff (Detective Mike Reilly) must discover the reason why. Hmm, sounds promising, except for the fact that it doesn’t. I may not be the smartest tool in the shed, but this movie isn’t supposed to be considered fantasy, it’s horror, so in my opinion it must be believable in some aspect, which it is not…unless any time soon I may possibly die because I logged into amazon.com. Seriously? THIS is what is passing for entertainment? First of all, when is the last time that you have ever considered Dorff to be something of a good actor? And second of all, why did I watch this? Why did ANYONE watch this? Why did this come to the theatres at all? I am just dumbfounded by what passes as a movie then and even now (seeming how Hollywood has only produced one original movie idea-Inception-this whole entire year, everything else has been a remake of an old film, a remake of a foreign film or an adaptation from book to movie, or an adaptation from comic book to movie…well you get the idea). Anyway, I think it is pretty clear that this movie did not cut it in my opinion. Can we move on?
Directed by William Malone
Fear Dot Wrong
By Michele Dillon
I don’t think that it’s a coincidence that most of the movies on this list are scary/horror movies. The reason for that being 1.) They are way over made (seriously, think of something else Hollywood!) and 2.) Rarely is enough time spent on the storyline and the script, it’s like they feel that as long as they can make people jump, we won’t realize that none of the movie makes sense. Well guess what? *I* do! If not anyone else out there who pays attention to the plot and how it connects (or disconnects in most cases) then there is at least me. Yes, this may get me to be deemed as overly critical or “lame” but what is a girl to do with her time, other than rethink and rethink the plot of a movie right after she has watched it? I am a little crazy, I will admit that, not everyone really cares about all the miniscule things that I do when it comes to movies (such as that person is wearing a different shirt in the same scene), but really, there are some things that are so blatantly forgotten that I wonder how other people do not pick up on it (or care about it at least). To get on with the actual review of the movie, I guess we will first need to pick apart the very essence of the idea (if you even want to call it that). The premise of this movie is that people are dying because they logged on to a certain website (feardotcom.com), and Stephen Dorff (Detective Mike Reilly) must discover the reason why. Hmm, sounds promising, except for the fact that it doesn’t. I may not be the smartest tool in the shed, but this movie isn’t supposed to be considered fantasy, it’s horror, so in my opinion it must be believable in some aspect, which it is not…unless any time soon I may possibly die because I logged into amazon.com. Seriously? THIS is what is passing for entertainment? First of all, when is the last time that you have ever considered Dorff to be something of a good actor? And second of all, why did I watch this? Why did ANYONE watch this? Why did this come to the theatres at all? I am just dumbfounded by what passes as a movie then and even now (seeming how Hollywood has only produced one original movie idea-Inception-this whole entire year, everything else has been a remake of an old film, a remake of a foreign film or an adaptation from book to movie, or an adaptation from comic book to movie…well you get the idea). Anyway, I think it is pretty clear that this movie did not cut it in my opinion. Can we move on?
Wednesday, September 15, 2010
24th Worst Movie: Happily N’Ever After
“Happily N’Ever After” Starring Sarah Michelle Gellar, Freddie Prinze Jr. and George Carlin
Directed by Paul Bolger and Yvette Kaplan
Happily Always After
By Michele Dillon
Oh my goodness…why do I even have to review this movie? I think it is going to be pretty self explanatory that it is going to be a horrible movie because…
Things That Are Ironic/Dumb About This Movie
1.) It claims to not have a happy ending from the title…but it still has a happy ending.
2.) Sarah Michelle Gellar and Freddie Prinze Jr. play the two love interests (p.s. they are married in real life, just in case you didn’t know).
3.) Its a kids movie, why does it even need to be critiqued? Unless it’s Yu Gi Oh, I have no qualms against kid movies but I am not going to generally enjoy them unless they have adult like material in them as well (aka Shrek).
3.) Its basic plot is just another twist on the story of Cinderella; I am so sick and tired of people trying to remake the story into how they want it to play out…it’s stupid!
And Michele lived depressingly ever after (after having to watch this movie)
THE END
Directed by Paul Bolger and Yvette Kaplan
Happily Always After
By Michele Dillon
Oh my goodness…why do I even have to review this movie? I think it is going to be pretty self explanatory that it is going to be a horrible movie because…
Things That Are Ironic/Dumb About This Movie
1.) It claims to not have a happy ending from the title…but it still has a happy ending.
2.) Sarah Michelle Gellar and Freddie Prinze Jr. play the two love interests (p.s. they are married in real life, just in case you didn’t know).
3.) Its a kids movie, why does it even need to be critiqued? Unless it’s Yu Gi Oh, I have no qualms against kid movies but I am not going to generally enjoy them unless they have adult like material in them as well (aka Shrek).
3.) Its basic plot is just another twist on the story of Cinderella; I am so sick and tired of people trying to remake the story into how they want it to play out…it’s stupid!
And Michele lived depressingly ever after (after having to watch this movie)
THE END
25th Worst Movie: Down To You
"Down To You"
Starring Julia Stiles, Freddie Prinze Jr. and Selma Blair
Directed by Kris Isaccsson
Down To The Nitty Gritty
Michele Dillon
In case you are on the edge of your seat wondering what the nitty gritty is, I will tell you: the nitty gritty is where I would rather have been than watching this movie. To have to watch a movie with Julia Stiles AND Freddie Prinze Jr., I didn’t think that I would survive, let alone be able to make it through the opening 15 minutes. I LOATHE Julia Stiles. Sometimes I sit up at night wondering how someone like her could have gotten in the acting business. Let’s look at the facts here. 1.) She can’t act, so logically you would think that she would have to be good looking, 2.) She is not good looking, so logically you would think she might have to have big boobs or a good body, 3.) She does not have big boobs or a nice body, so naturally you would think that if she doesn’t have those three things that there is only one option for her to have broken into the movie biz and that would be 4.) She slept with someone really powerful and that has a fetish for sleeping with girls with bags over their head.
Ok, ok, I will stop ragging on Julia Stiles for the moment and start talking about the movie itself. Um, no, in case you were wondering, I do NOT like it when actors talk directly into the camera as if they are telling the story to someone (not to be confused with documentary style sitcom filming of The Office or Parks and Recreation…completely different dynamic and works well). This was not done documentary style, it was done in the style of the director thinking “I don’t want to do voice over with two different people, and I don’t want to film scenes that we have to make lots of sets for so my only option is to put them both in front of the camera to talk for ¾ of the movie”. If you ever want to see someone barf into their own mouth, then you should have been there while I was watching this. The worst part is, the movie left a worst aftertaste in my mouth than the barfing did. I really don’t think anything else better than that can describe the train wreck that is this movie and everything about it so I think that I will leave you with that. I’m really sorry but the puke taste is coming back just thinking about it.
Starring Julia Stiles, Freddie Prinze Jr. and Selma Blair
Directed by Kris Isaccsson
Down To The Nitty Gritty
Michele Dillon
In case you are on the edge of your seat wondering what the nitty gritty is, I will tell you: the nitty gritty is where I would rather have been than watching this movie. To have to watch a movie with Julia Stiles AND Freddie Prinze Jr., I didn’t think that I would survive, let alone be able to make it through the opening 15 minutes. I LOATHE Julia Stiles. Sometimes I sit up at night wondering how someone like her could have gotten in the acting business. Let’s look at the facts here. 1.) She can’t act, so logically you would think that she would have to be good looking, 2.) She is not good looking, so logically you would think she might have to have big boobs or a good body, 3.) She does not have big boobs or a nice body, so naturally you would think that if she doesn’t have those three things that there is only one option for her to have broken into the movie biz and that would be 4.) She slept with someone really powerful and that has a fetish for sleeping with girls with bags over their head.
Ok, ok, I will stop ragging on Julia Stiles for the moment and start talking about the movie itself. Um, no, in case you were wondering, I do NOT like it when actors talk directly into the camera as if they are telling the story to someone (not to be confused with documentary style sitcom filming of The Office or Parks and Recreation…completely different dynamic and works well). This was not done documentary style, it was done in the style of the director thinking “I don’t want to do voice over with two different people, and I don’t want to film scenes that we have to make lots of sets for so my only option is to put them both in front of the camera to talk for ¾ of the movie”. If you ever want to see someone barf into their own mouth, then you should have been there while I was watching this. The worst part is, the movie left a worst aftertaste in my mouth than the barfing did. I really don’t think anything else better than that can describe the train wreck that is this movie and everything about it so I think that I will leave you with that. I’m really sorry but the puke taste is coming back just thinking about it.
26th Worst Movie: House of the Dead
“House of the Dead”
Starring Jonathan Cherry, Tyron Leitso and Clint Howard
Directed by Uwe Boll
House of the Dead Faces
By Michele Dillon
When I looked at this movie title, I almost forgot what movie this was. It was completely not memorable in any aspect. For the most part, the movie was funny…but I don’t think it meant to be. What was funny about it was that we are expected to believe that these teenagers who were going to a rave are just automatically bad-ass and they know how to use guns and do karate…it just didn’t seem plausible. On top of all that, the actors were hilarious. Trying to decipher which emotion they were trying to portray nearly took all my energy and I didn’t have time to pay attention to the plot. Or maybe, I just didn’t want to pay attention to the plot since it was lacking. Lacking a good script, lacking good actors, lacking a believable set and lacking anybody good looking (which is usually supposed to make up for the horrible horror movie you decided to watch).
If I am to watch a scary movie, I can usually except a few jumps here and there due to the unexpected events that occur. I don’t remember jumping once. So if this was supposed to be a scary movie, what did it have going for it? The fact that it has a creepy title? The really ugly but not realistic looking prosthetic zombie faces? I find it hard to believe that anyone in their right mind would think they could make this into something wonderful. But yet again, if your parents name you Uwe, you might be expected to not be in your right mind.
Starring Jonathan Cherry, Tyron Leitso and Clint Howard
Directed by Uwe Boll
House of the Dead Faces
By Michele Dillon
When I looked at this movie title, I almost forgot what movie this was. It was completely not memorable in any aspect. For the most part, the movie was funny…but I don’t think it meant to be. What was funny about it was that we are expected to believe that these teenagers who were going to a rave are just automatically bad-ass and they know how to use guns and do karate…it just didn’t seem plausible. On top of all that, the actors were hilarious. Trying to decipher which emotion they were trying to portray nearly took all my energy and I didn’t have time to pay attention to the plot. Or maybe, I just didn’t want to pay attention to the plot since it was lacking. Lacking a good script, lacking good actors, lacking a believable set and lacking anybody good looking (which is usually supposed to make up for the horrible horror movie you decided to watch).
If I am to watch a scary movie, I can usually except a few jumps here and there due to the unexpected events that occur. I don’t remember jumping once. So if this was supposed to be a scary movie, what did it have going for it? The fact that it has a creepy title? The really ugly but not realistic looking prosthetic zombie faces? I find it hard to believe that anyone in their right mind would think they could make this into something wonderful. But yet again, if your parents name you Uwe, you might be expected to not be in your right mind.
27th Worst Movie: The In Crowd
"The In Crowd"
Starring Susan Ward, Lori Heuring and Matthew Settle
Directed by Mary Lambert
The Lame Crowd
By Michele Dillon
It seems like this movie could have had a lot of potential. If they just tweaked the script a little, recast all the actors, possibly found a different director and made it a high budget film…it probably could have been a flop in the box office instead of a flop on the straight to DVD. Actually, I am really not sure if this movie came to theatres since it was a while ago that it was made but I can’t imagine that this would have made it to the big screen. But who knows, they bring lots of horrible movies to the big screen and nominate the horrible actors for Oscars from them all the time (Happy Go Lucky anyone?).
Let’s just go right into it. A girl who has had some psychiatric problems is allowed to work at a high class country club in order to get her life back in order. She starts to become friends with the most popular girl from the country club until things turn for the nasty. She discovers secrets about the girl, secrets that could mean there was a murder that happened in the town that no one even knows about. Oooo, suspenseful right? Not really, they spent so much time drawing out scenes that were unnecessary and trying to build suspense in places that it made no sense that by the time anything was revealed that was supposed to be a shock, it wasn’t. I watch enough movies to pay attention to foreshadowing. In this movie, I don’t even think you could call it that because you saw everything coming from 50 miles away (now, that’s good eyesight). I just don’t know how else to explain this movie, other than “it was lame”.
Starring Susan Ward, Lori Heuring and Matthew Settle
Directed by Mary Lambert
The Lame Crowd
By Michele Dillon
It seems like this movie could have had a lot of potential. If they just tweaked the script a little, recast all the actors, possibly found a different director and made it a high budget film…it probably could have been a flop in the box office instead of a flop on the straight to DVD. Actually, I am really not sure if this movie came to theatres since it was a while ago that it was made but I can’t imagine that this would have made it to the big screen. But who knows, they bring lots of horrible movies to the big screen and nominate the horrible actors for Oscars from them all the time (Happy Go Lucky anyone?).
Let’s just go right into it. A girl who has had some psychiatric problems is allowed to work at a high class country club in order to get her life back in order. She starts to become friends with the most popular girl from the country club until things turn for the nasty. She discovers secrets about the girl, secrets that could mean there was a murder that happened in the town that no one even knows about. Oooo, suspenseful right? Not really, they spent so much time drawing out scenes that were unnecessary and trying to build suspense in places that it made no sense that by the time anything was revealed that was supposed to be a shock, it wasn’t. I watch enough movies to pay attention to foreshadowing. In this movie, I don’t even think you could call it that because you saw everything coming from 50 miles away (now, that’s good eyesight). I just don’t know how else to explain this movie, other than “it was lame”.
28th Worst Movie: Darkness
“Darkness” Starring Anna Paquin, Lena Olin and Iain Glen
Directed by Jaume Balaguero
I Want To Be Back In The Light
By Michele Dillon
I came to a realization during this movie: Anna Paquin can’t act! I never really noticed it before because she has only been a few movies that I have enjoyed and those all include the X-Men series. I just thought that everybody in that movie was having a bad acting experience because those types of movies are really just focused on the action rather than anything else and if they are pulled off right then it doesn’t matter. But put Anna Paquin in a non action movie with a really bad script, and you can totally see her dreadful acting.
It took this movie a long time to get started. There would be a normal scene and Paquin would be talking about how she thinks something weird is going on and then there would be a flash of a kid standing in the dark and then it would move on. Then it would almost repeat the same scene again but nothing major would happen. Then in the last 15 minutes everything happened in full speed and I was on the edge of my seat…ready to turn the DVD off. I’m a pretty easily scared person. I am actually pretty certain that if I were to star in a scary movie, there would be no need for fake screaming. However, this movie was very likely one of the un-scariest movies I have ever seen.
The story of the movie is this family that moves to Spain (for a reason that was never explained). Once they are moved in, weird things start to happen. Paquin’s little brother wakes up with bruises on his body and her dad starts up with his fits again (something called Harrington syndrome which they thought he was cured). Whenever Paquin tells her mother about these things, she just dismisses it and tells her it’s nothing to worry about (since when did a mother never care that her own son has bruises all over himself?). Paquin takes things in her own hands and researches the history of the house along with a friend of hers. She finds out that 40 years ago some kind of occult was happening and 7 children had gone missing and were never found. I don’t want to give away any more of the movie because it was just too amazing and I want you to find out for yourself (looks like I could be in a movie about sarcasm too!)
Directed by Jaume Balaguero
I Want To Be Back In The Light
By Michele Dillon
I came to a realization during this movie: Anna Paquin can’t act! I never really noticed it before because she has only been a few movies that I have enjoyed and those all include the X-Men series. I just thought that everybody in that movie was having a bad acting experience because those types of movies are really just focused on the action rather than anything else and if they are pulled off right then it doesn’t matter. But put Anna Paquin in a non action movie with a really bad script, and you can totally see her dreadful acting.
It took this movie a long time to get started. There would be a normal scene and Paquin would be talking about how she thinks something weird is going on and then there would be a flash of a kid standing in the dark and then it would move on. Then it would almost repeat the same scene again but nothing major would happen. Then in the last 15 minutes everything happened in full speed and I was on the edge of my seat…ready to turn the DVD off. I’m a pretty easily scared person. I am actually pretty certain that if I were to star in a scary movie, there would be no need for fake screaming. However, this movie was very likely one of the un-scariest movies I have ever seen.
The story of the movie is this family that moves to Spain (for a reason that was never explained). Once they are moved in, weird things start to happen. Paquin’s little brother wakes up with bruises on his body and her dad starts up with his fits again (something called Harrington syndrome which they thought he was cured). Whenever Paquin tells her mother about these things, she just dismisses it and tells her it’s nothing to worry about (since when did a mother never care that her own son has bruises all over himself?). Paquin takes things in her own hands and researches the history of the house along with a friend of hers. She finds out that 40 years ago some kind of occult was happening and 7 children had gone missing and were never found. I don’t want to give away any more of the movie because it was just too amazing and I want you to find out for yourself (looks like I could be in a movie about sarcasm too!)
29th Worst Movie: My Baby’s Daddy
“My Baby’s Daddy” Starring Eddie Griffin, Anthony Anderson and Michael Imperioli
Directed by Cheryl Dunye
My Baby’s Really Horrible Daddy
By Michele Dillon
This movie was so bad that I was really dreading writing this blog. I kept thinking that I could ignore it but then realized that if I don’t post this one than I won’t get to post the movie next in line and then I will never finish this blog ever. I’m mostly finishing this for my own sake. There isn’t anyone hanging on my every word or anything, but I feel like I put myself through watching all these horrible movies that I have to actually follow through with it. This movie is a case in example of how horrified I would feel if I watched it for no reason. Why else would I put myself through it? For one thing, I am so sick of Anthony Anderson that if I see him in one more movie, I might have to track him down and cut his tongue out so he may never speak let only act again. What is with his high pitched voice? It’s always got a tinge of annoyance in it, like he is going to complain about something so you better get ready. It’s no mistake that he was in a lot of movies on this Worst list. He is one of the WORST actors ever. How he was allowed to be a part of a Law and Order series, I will never know.
So do I really have to talk about this movie? I feel like any more of my involvement may lead to me disliking all future movies I may watch. But oh all right, I guess if I am supposed to review it, I’ll spew my ghastly opinion of this movie…I’ll vomit the words right on to the page.
This movie was about three friends who are in their 30’s (that’s being kind) who still live with one of their family members and have parties all the time and treat women like they are just pieces of ass/meat (to be fair, the women let them, but very unbelievably because these men are not good looking in the least). All three of them manage to impregnate the women that they have in their lives at the time, all at the same time. So now (supposedly) they are supposed to grow up and be dads. But predictably, they are horrible at it and they are still just selfish men who want to do whatever they want. As the movies progresses, of course, they start to learn lessons, go through very unfunny (but I’m assuming they are supposed to be funny) situations with the baby and in the end understand what it means to be a father (unsurprisingly).
I don’t understand where the humor was supposed to be anywhere in this film. I did not laugh once. I cringed about a thousand times. I wanted to pee my pants from the idiocy. Never once have I ever felt the urge to pee because of senselessness…not once. I didn’t even think it was possible and I don’t even know what it means; I just know that my bladder was so compelled to be away from this movie that it felt the need to become full so as to make me leave the room for even just one blissful minute. I did not feel the need to press pause because I knew where the movie was going and I didn’t like it. I did, however, feel the need to press stop the second the screen turned black for the credits to roll.
Directed by Cheryl Dunye
My Baby’s Really Horrible Daddy
By Michele Dillon
This movie was so bad that I was really dreading writing this blog. I kept thinking that I could ignore it but then realized that if I don’t post this one than I won’t get to post the movie next in line and then I will never finish this blog ever. I’m mostly finishing this for my own sake. There isn’t anyone hanging on my every word or anything, but I feel like I put myself through watching all these horrible movies that I have to actually follow through with it. This movie is a case in example of how horrified I would feel if I watched it for no reason. Why else would I put myself through it? For one thing, I am so sick of Anthony Anderson that if I see him in one more movie, I might have to track him down and cut his tongue out so he may never speak let only act again. What is with his high pitched voice? It’s always got a tinge of annoyance in it, like he is going to complain about something so you better get ready. It’s no mistake that he was in a lot of movies on this Worst list. He is one of the WORST actors ever. How he was allowed to be a part of a Law and Order series, I will never know.
So do I really have to talk about this movie? I feel like any more of my involvement may lead to me disliking all future movies I may watch. But oh all right, I guess if I am supposed to review it, I’ll spew my ghastly opinion of this movie…I’ll vomit the words right on to the page.
This movie was about three friends who are in their 30’s (that’s being kind) who still live with one of their family members and have parties all the time and treat women like they are just pieces of ass/meat (to be fair, the women let them, but very unbelievably because these men are not good looking in the least). All three of them manage to impregnate the women that they have in their lives at the time, all at the same time. So now (supposedly) they are supposed to grow up and be dads. But predictably, they are horrible at it and they are still just selfish men who want to do whatever they want. As the movies progresses, of course, they start to learn lessons, go through very unfunny (but I’m assuming they are supposed to be funny) situations with the baby and in the end understand what it means to be a father (unsurprisingly).
I don’t understand where the humor was supposed to be anywhere in this film. I did not laugh once. I cringed about a thousand times. I wanted to pee my pants from the idiocy. Never once have I ever felt the urge to pee because of senselessness…not once. I didn’t even think it was possible and I don’t even know what it means; I just know that my bladder was so compelled to be away from this movie that it felt the need to become full so as to make me leave the room for even just one blissful minute. I did not feel the need to press pause because I knew where the movie was going and I didn’t like it. I did, however, feel the need to press stop the second the screen turned black for the credits to roll.
Monday, July 12, 2010
30th Worst Movie: The Mod Squad
“The Mod Squad” Starring Claire Danes, Giovanni Ribisi and Omar Epps
Directed by Scott Silver
The Moderately Ok
By Michele Dillon
I have to admit that I am not quite sure why this movie is so far down on the list and so close to being deemed as bad as BloodRayne! I will say that it is not nearly as bad as BloodRayne but cannot be taken off the list entirely…it should be correctly placed somewhere near Catwoman, which really…even though is much higher on the list, who wants to be next to Catwoman?
It seems like this same plotline comes back around about every 10 years but just slightly different. Three teens who are constantly getting into trouble, but are really good at getting away with it, get arrested by a cop who decides to give them a second chance…he hires them to be “undercover type” cops to try and get to a much bigger problem in the city. They have to do this for a certain amount of time and then there records will be expunged. What seems like an excellent and easy way to get out of jail for the three teens quickly turns into something bigger when their father figure cop gets murdered and it seems to be a cover up. So as to not divulge any further secrets of the movie, I will not describe the plot any further but will explain, in my opinion, that it was decent. Decent in the only way a movie on the worst list can be.
Claire Danes was a 90’s favorite teen actress but since has seemed to disappear from the map entirely. Which is a shame because she was just starting to get semi-good at the art of acting. Another 10 years on her belt and she might have even been considered a great actress. I could say that my love for Giovanni Ribisi made it easier to enjoy the movie, which could be true on some level but I also know that Giovanni is into scientology so a movie that is bad cannot be overlooked even though I think he is amazing. Omar Epps can just stop acting as of this moment for all I care because he has never made me believe his character in anything I’ve seen him in and it seems like he just plays the same one every time anyway…a dick.
So that pretty much sums up The Mod Squad…I just realized that I didn’t make any witty comments throughout the entire review…I must be losing my touch.
Monkey Balls!! (Was that better?)
Directed by Scott Silver
The Moderately Ok
By Michele Dillon
I have to admit that I am not quite sure why this movie is so far down on the list and so close to being deemed as bad as BloodRayne! I will say that it is not nearly as bad as BloodRayne but cannot be taken off the list entirely…it should be correctly placed somewhere near Catwoman, which really…even though is much higher on the list, who wants to be next to Catwoman?
It seems like this same plotline comes back around about every 10 years but just slightly different. Three teens who are constantly getting into trouble, but are really good at getting away with it, get arrested by a cop who decides to give them a second chance…he hires them to be “undercover type” cops to try and get to a much bigger problem in the city. They have to do this for a certain amount of time and then there records will be expunged. What seems like an excellent and easy way to get out of jail for the three teens quickly turns into something bigger when their father figure cop gets murdered and it seems to be a cover up. So as to not divulge any further secrets of the movie, I will not describe the plot any further but will explain, in my opinion, that it was decent. Decent in the only way a movie on the worst list can be.
Claire Danes was a 90’s favorite teen actress but since has seemed to disappear from the map entirely. Which is a shame because she was just starting to get semi-good at the art of acting. Another 10 years on her belt and she might have even been considered a great actress. I could say that my love for Giovanni Ribisi made it easier to enjoy the movie, which could be true on some level but I also know that Giovanni is into scientology so a movie that is bad cannot be overlooked even though I think he is amazing. Omar Epps can just stop acting as of this moment for all I care because he has never made me believe his character in anything I’ve seen him in and it seems like he just plays the same one every time anyway…a dick.
So that pretty much sums up The Mod Squad…I just realized that I didn’t make any witty comments throughout the entire review…I must be losing my touch.
Monkey Balls!! (Was that better?)
Friday, June 25, 2010
31st Worst Movie: Soul Survivors
“Soul Survivors” Starring Melissa Sagemiller, Casey Affleck and Eliza Dushku
Directed by Stephen Carpenter
Right now I am only about 15 minutes into this movie and I am already asking myself, why the hell am I watching this? Also, another thought that is crossing my mind is that Eliza Dushku only plays stupid sluts in all her movies….but that’s another review all together (not to be completely ruled out to make fun of later in this review however).
I’m deciding whether or not I want to write a play by play assessment of this movie but it is so freaking boring that I don’t even know if I could write that much stuff about it other than 500 ways to say that “this is so dumb”.
Do you want to even know what this movie is about? Ok, I will tell you. It starts out with these weird guys in masks who are killing. Then it goes to these teenagers who are going off to college and they are partying on their last night. Then they are driving and I am sure they are drunk and they get into an accident and one of them dies and then from there the movie is just weird and I don’t even understand the point. The one thing that does stick out however, throughout the entire movie, Melissa’s character is running in every scene. And let me tell you, she does not run very well either. Kind of like a chicken with its head cut off. I didn’t start to notice it until about 30 minutes into the movie; otherwise I would have made a tally of how many times she ran. It wasn’t even at times she really needed to run. One scene, she is running to catch up with her friend after class (not necessary), another scene she is running for no apparent reason that I could even see (not necessary), and another scene she is running away from people chasing her (OK, I would say, that one was necessary). So really, this movie should have been called “Sole Survivors” cause I was so distracted by all the running that I didn’t even understand the ending…or is it that the ending just didn’t make sense? It could be either one or both…I guess we will never know.
Directed by Stephen Carpenter
Right now I am only about 15 minutes into this movie and I am already asking myself, why the hell am I watching this? Also, another thought that is crossing my mind is that Eliza Dushku only plays stupid sluts in all her movies….but that’s another review all together (not to be completely ruled out to make fun of later in this review however).
I’m deciding whether or not I want to write a play by play assessment of this movie but it is so freaking boring that I don’t even know if I could write that much stuff about it other than 500 ways to say that “this is so dumb”.
Do you want to even know what this movie is about? Ok, I will tell you. It starts out with these weird guys in masks who are killing. Then it goes to these teenagers who are going off to college and they are partying on their last night. Then they are driving and I am sure they are drunk and they get into an accident and one of them dies and then from there the movie is just weird and I don’t even understand the point. The one thing that does stick out however, throughout the entire movie, Melissa’s character is running in every scene. And let me tell you, she does not run very well either. Kind of like a chicken with its head cut off. I didn’t start to notice it until about 30 minutes into the movie; otherwise I would have made a tally of how many times she ran. It wasn’t even at times she really needed to run. One scene, she is running to catch up with her friend after class (not necessary), another scene she is running for no apparent reason that I could even see (not necessary), and another scene she is running away from people chasing her (OK, I would say, that one was necessary). So really, this movie should have been called “Sole Survivors” cause I was so distracted by all the running that I didn’t even understand the ending…or is it that the ending just didn’t make sense? It could be either one or both…I guess we will never know.
32nd Worst Movie: BloodRayne
“BloodRayne” Starring Kristanna Loken, Michael Madsen and Matthew Davis
Directed by Uwe Boll
Bloody Hell
By Michele Dillon
One word can be used to describe this movie…one word only….DISGUSTING!
Directed by Uwe Boll
Bloody Hell
By Michele Dillon
One word can be used to describe this movie…one word only….DISGUSTING!
Wednesday, June 23, 2010
33rd Worst Movie: Texas Rangers
“Texas Rangers” Starring James Van Der Beek, Rachael Leigh Cook and Ashton Kutcher
Directed by Steve Miner
Texas Whiners
By Michele Dillon
I thought that this movie might not be too bad because I really like Rachael Leigh Cook, however, come to find out, she was only in the movie for like 4 minutes total. And for the rest of the 86 minutes I had to watch Ashton Kutchur (before he discovered that he can act without shouting) and James Van Der Beek (which frankly, I will never understand how he became an actor…especially with that horrible hair) attempt to be believable as country men who become rangers (or cops on horses, if you will).
I don’t even want to attempt to explain the plot of this movie because there really wasn’t one. Other than shooting and missing shooting and than the person who was the worst shooter ends up being the best and taking over for the dying captain…or whatever. Bore fest! I want to be able to say that more than one of these movies don’t belong on this list, but so far I’ve only been able to name one (The Skulls). So since this movie was so boring I am just going to make a list of James Van Der Beek movies and than rate them cause that sounds more fun/interesting right now than talking about this movie (SHUT UP! I can do what I want!).
James Van Der Beek Movies
1.) Varsity Blues: 2/5
2.) Texas Rangers: 1/5
3.) The Rules of Attraction: 1/5
4.) How I Met Your Mother: 5/5 (Yes, not a movie…but I have to say this is the only thing I have seen him in where I thought he did a good job)
Directed by Steve Miner
Texas Whiners
By Michele Dillon
I thought that this movie might not be too bad because I really like Rachael Leigh Cook, however, come to find out, she was only in the movie for like 4 minutes total. And for the rest of the 86 minutes I had to watch Ashton Kutchur (before he discovered that he can act without shouting) and James Van Der Beek (which frankly, I will never understand how he became an actor…especially with that horrible hair) attempt to be believable as country men who become rangers (or cops on horses, if you will).
I don’t even want to attempt to explain the plot of this movie because there really wasn’t one. Other than shooting and missing shooting and than the person who was the worst shooter ends up being the best and taking over for the dying captain…or whatever. Bore fest! I want to be able to say that more than one of these movies don’t belong on this list, but so far I’ve only been able to name one (The Skulls). So since this movie was so boring I am just going to make a list of James Van Der Beek movies and than rate them cause that sounds more fun/interesting right now than talking about this movie (SHUT UP! I can do what I want!).
James Van Der Beek Movies
1.) Varsity Blues: 2/5
2.) Texas Rangers: 1/5
3.) The Rules of Attraction: 1/5
4.) How I Met Your Mother: 5/5 (Yes, not a movie…but I have to say this is the only thing I have seen him in where I thought he did a good job)
Tuesday, June 22, 2010
34th Worst Movie: Because I Said So
“Because I Said So” Starring Mandy Moore, Diane Keaton and Lauren Graham
Directed by Michael Lehmann
Because I Killed Myself
By Michele Dillon
(You guys may be wondering why there is a big blank space above this…it is because; as you can see from the title of this review…I killed myself. I was able to get my ghost to reincarnate herself into an animate object so she should type this portion (you may also be wondering why if its my ghost writing this, why is she taking in first person like its actually me…we will get to that later). So it is now, where I will tell you the story of why I killed myself. It should be pretty obvious if you have even attempted to watch this movie, I can’t think of anyone in their right mind who would ever voluntarily put themselves through watching this movie in full (well besides me of course). So in memory of myself, I am going to make one of my famous lists…
Lists Of Reasons Why I Felt The Need To Kill Myself (Even Though I Had A Really Good Long Life Ahead Of Me….And I Was Pretty Sure I Was Gonna Be Really Rich And Famous…And Pretty….Oooh, Oooh And Famous…Oh Wait I Already Said That)
1.) Diane Keaton’s voice and her constant complaining!
2.) Mandy Moore…that’s it…just Mandy Moore…does anyone really need a specific reason to not like Mandy Moore? (Just in case you do, I will give you one…she can’t act)
3.) The horrible….barf in my own mouth…script! I do not understand! How do these people look at these scripts and think “This will be an amazing movie! And you know what would make it even more amazing? If we casted horrible actors!”(Diana Keaton would probably be the only actress in this movie that is not horrible but just ended up doing a horrible job in the movie)
4.) The premise of the movie was about a mom who wanted to hook up her daughter with someone so she posted an ad online and behind the daughter’s back would hold the meetings with them and have them pretend to go meet her on accident…what kind of daughter loving mother would do that?! (Kind of like, what life loving bee would sting you? Which by the way, did you know that Wasps don’t die after they sting you? And they are the huge scary ones! What kind of stupid messed up sh** is that?)
5.) I could go on to write down every single director, producer, actor, co-producer, writer, co-writer of this movie but my ghost really does not have much more time left…a rhinoceros probably wasn’t the best thing to come back as…they have borderline ADD and I am really wondering how she was even able to type this with their gigantic feet/hands/paws…whatever you call them.
Oh and remember when I said I was going to tell you why if it’s my ghost writing this, why is she taking in first person like it’s actually me? Well here is why…
…because I said so.
Directed by Michael Lehmann
Because I Killed Myself
By Michele Dillon
(You guys may be wondering why there is a big blank space above this…it is because; as you can see from the title of this review…I killed myself. I was able to get my ghost to reincarnate herself into an animate object so she should type this portion (you may also be wondering why if its my ghost writing this, why is she taking in first person like its actually me…we will get to that later). So it is now, where I will tell you the story of why I killed myself. It should be pretty obvious if you have even attempted to watch this movie, I can’t think of anyone in their right mind who would ever voluntarily put themselves through watching this movie in full (well besides me of course). So in memory of myself, I am going to make one of my famous lists…
Lists Of Reasons Why I Felt The Need To Kill Myself (Even Though I Had A Really Good Long Life Ahead Of Me….And I Was Pretty Sure I Was Gonna Be Really Rich And Famous…And Pretty….Oooh, Oooh And Famous…Oh Wait I Already Said That)
1.) Diane Keaton’s voice and her constant complaining!
2.) Mandy Moore…that’s it…just Mandy Moore…does anyone really need a specific reason to not like Mandy Moore? (Just in case you do, I will give you one…she can’t act)
3.) The horrible….barf in my own mouth…script! I do not understand! How do these people look at these scripts and think “This will be an amazing movie! And you know what would make it even more amazing? If we casted horrible actors!”(Diana Keaton would probably be the only actress in this movie that is not horrible but just ended up doing a horrible job in the movie)
4.) The premise of the movie was about a mom who wanted to hook up her daughter with someone so she posted an ad online and behind the daughter’s back would hold the meetings with them and have them pretend to go meet her on accident…what kind of daughter loving mother would do that?! (Kind of like, what life loving bee would sting you? Which by the way, did you know that Wasps don’t die after they sting you? And they are the huge scary ones! What kind of stupid messed up sh** is that?)
5.) I could go on to write down every single director, producer, actor, co-producer, writer, co-writer of this movie but my ghost really does not have much more time left…a rhinoceros probably wasn’t the best thing to come back as…they have borderline ADD and I am really wondering how she was even able to type this with their gigantic feet/hands/paws…whatever you call them.
Oh and remember when I said I was going to tell you why if it’s my ghost writing this, why is she taking in first person like it’s actually me? Well here is why…
…because I said so.
35th Worst Movie: The Perfect Man
“The Perfect Man” Starring Hilary Duff, Heather Locklear and Chris North
Directed by Mark Rosman
“The Imperfect Hilary Duff”
By Michele Dillon
Picture this: Hilary Duff’s voice. Now picture this: Hilary Duff’s voice for 1 ½ hours straight (not even blocked out by other actors because she was in almost every scene). Now I am not going to say that there is some kind of pattern here, but it does seem kind of odd that there are at least three movies (The Perfect Man, Cheaper By the Dozen 2, Material Girls) that Hilary Duff has been in that are on this Worst Movie List. I am pretty sure that if they made a Worst CD List, for some odd reason Hilary Duff would be on that as well…but once again, no pattern whatsoever that I am seeing here…mere coincidences. In order for you to understand the pain that I had to endure while watching this movie, I am going to make a list of things that Hilary Duff’s character (which by the way, is always the same in all her movies so they should really just name her Hilary) did during this movie that made it completely horrible, predictable and also very unlikely.
1.) She was writing a blog (uh, hello…since when could Hilary Duff write OR read for that matter…it’s a well known fact that people have to feed the lines to her because she cannot do these things)
2.) We are supposed to believe that she is cute enough to get a good looking guy to like her within the first two seconds of meeting her and then after meeting her, when she opens her mouth and talks, he is not disgusted and he keeps talking to her…eww
3.) Her character is trying to make her mom happy by creating a non-existent guy and making her believe that he is real and that he actually wants to be with her (how would that make her happy again Hilary? Where was the sensitive thought in this?)
4.) During the movie, while she is trying to make her mom believe this guy is real, she does numerous horrible things such as:
a. In order to ensure that her mom does not meet the guy who she is trying to make her mom believe likes her, she puts a match to the sprinklers to make them go off in his restaurant, which would completely ruin the entire restaurant and let’s just hope that this guy has insurance for that…otherwise he is screwed
b. She barges in on a wedding, makes the bride think that her soon to be husband cheated on her, so she punches him, but really nothing like that happened so she basically ruined this woman’s wedding
5.) Has anyone ever noticed that before Hilary Duff got horrible horse teeth and lost all that weight that she had a really tiny bubble butt? Yes, this has nothing to do with the movie (or really her teeth, I just wanted to mention the horse teeth) but it was something that I noticed while watching it so I thought I should bring it up.
So really, that is all I have to say about this Perfect Barf-fest, if you have any further questions about my hatred for Hilary Duff, I will be happy to answer them.
Directed by Mark Rosman
“The Imperfect Hilary Duff”
By Michele Dillon
Picture this: Hilary Duff’s voice. Now picture this: Hilary Duff’s voice for 1 ½ hours straight (not even blocked out by other actors because she was in almost every scene). Now I am not going to say that there is some kind of pattern here, but it does seem kind of odd that there are at least three movies (The Perfect Man, Cheaper By the Dozen 2, Material Girls) that Hilary Duff has been in that are on this Worst Movie List. I am pretty sure that if they made a Worst CD List, for some odd reason Hilary Duff would be on that as well…but once again, no pattern whatsoever that I am seeing here…mere coincidences. In order for you to understand the pain that I had to endure while watching this movie, I am going to make a list of things that Hilary Duff’s character (which by the way, is always the same in all her movies so they should really just name her Hilary) did during this movie that made it completely horrible, predictable and also very unlikely.
1.) She was writing a blog (uh, hello…since when could Hilary Duff write OR read for that matter…it’s a well known fact that people have to feed the lines to her because she cannot do these things)
2.) We are supposed to believe that she is cute enough to get a good looking guy to like her within the first two seconds of meeting her and then after meeting her, when she opens her mouth and talks, he is not disgusted and he keeps talking to her…eww
3.) Her character is trying to make her mom happy by creating a non-existent guy and making her believe that he is real and that he actually wants to be with her (how would that make her happy again Hilary? Where was the sensitive thought in this?)
4.) During the movie, while she is trying to make her mom believe this guy is real, she does numerous horrible things such as:
a. In order to ensure that her mom does not meet the guy who she is trying to make her mom believe likes her, she puts a match to the sprinklers to make them go off in his restaurant, which would completely ruin the entire restaurant and let’s just hope that this guy has insurance for that…otherwise he is screwed
b. She barges in on a wedding, makes the bride think that her soon to be husband cheated on her, so she punches him, but really nothing like that happened so she basically ruined this woman’s wedding
5.) Has anyone ever noticed that before Hilary Duff got horrible horse teeth and lost all that weight that she had a really tiny bubble butt? Yes, this has nothing to do with the movie (or really her teeth, I just wanted to mention the horse teeth) but it was something that I noticed while watching it so I thought I should bring it up.
So really, that is all I have to say about this Perfect Barf-fest, if you have any further questions about my hatred for Hilary Duff, I will be happy to answer them.
36th Worst Movie: Serving Sara
“Serving Sara’ Starring Matthew Perry, Elizabeth Hurley and Vincent Pastore
Directed by Reginald Hudlin
Serving Crap
By Michele Dillon
Ok, so the movie wasn’t THAT bad but I was pretty un-entertained during the whole thing. Elizabeth Hurley may be good looking but I have yet to see her do that great of an acting job. I am a big fan of the movie Bedazzled but that is mostly because of the story because Brendan Fraser is in that movie as well and no one has ever mistaken him for winning an Oscar…
Since I am in a lazy mood, I am going to make one of my infamous lists to explain what was bad about the movie:
1.) Matthew Perry stuck his hand up a cow’s butt (why do I see a pattern of movies being on this list where someone’s hand goes up a cow’s butt, in example: Say It Isn’t So, maybe that should be a clue that people don’t like to see that)
2.) Elizabeth Hurley trying to spit out words that sound only a little like English (since her accent is so thick, you can barely understand her, yes I know that English is her actual language but it doesn’t seem like it)
3.) Elizabeth Hurley wearing a totally uncoordinated short skirt with a cowboy hat, yes I know, that for most people this is not bad but I think the director forgot that when this movie was made, Hurley was in her 40’s and should not be wear little girl skirts…sorry.
4.) The overall storyline and that it seemed like the screen writer was purposely making it suck.
And th...tha....that's all folks!
Directed by Reginald Hudlin
Serving Crap
By Michele Dillon
Ok, so the movie wasn’t THAT bad but I was pretty un-entertained during the whole thing. Elizabeth Hurley may be good looking but I have yet to see her do that great of an acting job. I am a big fan of the movie Bedazzled but that is mostly because of the story because Brendan Fraser is in that movie as well and no one has ever mistaken him for winning an Oscar…
Since I am in a lazy mood, I am going to make one of my infamous lists to explain what was bad about the movie:
1.) Matthew Perry stuck his hand up a cow’s butt (why do I see a pattern of movies being on this list where someone’s hand goes up a cow’s butt, in example: Say It Isn’t So, maybe that should be a clue that people don’t like to see that)
2.) Elizabeth Hurley trying to spit out words that sound only a little like English (since her accent is so thick, you can barely understand her, yes I know that English is her actual language but it doesn’t seem like it)
3.) Elizabeth Hurley wearing a totally uncoordinated short skirt with a cowboy hat, yes I know, that for most people this is not bad but I think the director forgot that when this movie was made, Hurley was in her 40’s and should not be wear little girl skirts…sorry.
4.) The overall storyline and that it seemed like the screen writer was purposely making it suck.
And th...tha....that's all folks!
37th Worst Movie: Corky Romano
“Corky Romano” Starring Chris Kattan, Vinessa Shaw and Peter Falk
Directed by Robb Pritts
Corky Ain’t No Ray
By Michele Dillon
I can honestly say I thought this movie would be a lot worse than it actually was. I am a fan of Chris Kattan, but only as part of SNL (before you get all mad, Night at the Roxbury was an SNL production based off of SNL characters so I still considered that SNL). I don’t think he should ever have left the show…was that to start a movie career? Because if it was, then it was a horrible decision.
So Corky Romano is in a family who is part of the mob but he was disowned a long time ago since he wanted to be a veterinarian. He gets brought back into the business when his family wants to use him to infiltrate the FBI in order to get back some incriminating evidence (Corky is the only one in the family who is not recognized by the FBI). Since Corky is such an all around doofus and klutz, this becomes difficult….forming what this director/production company thought was a funny and amazing plot. I can admit that I may have had a half of a smile on through about 4 minutes of the movie and that the plot wasn’t amazing but it had potential…I definitely do not name this as the worst movie I have watched out of the bunch so far based solely on the fact that Kattan has comedic chops that cannot be denied.
I tried really hard to think of anything else to say about this movie, but I must be off my game…nothing comes to mind other than MANGO!!
Directed by Robb Pritts
Corky Ain’t No Ray
By Michele Dillon
I can honestly say I thought this movie would be a lot worse than it actually was. I am a fan of Chris Kattan, but only as part of SNL (before you get all mad, Night at the Roxbury was an SNL production based off of SNL characters so I still considered that SNL). I don’t think he should ever have left the show…was that to start a movie career? Because if it was, then it was a horrible decision.
So Corky Romano is in a family who is part of the mob but he was disowned a long time ago since he wanted to be a veterinarian. He gets brought back into the business when his family wants to use him to infiltrate the FBI in order to get back some incriminating evidence (Corky is the only one in the family who is not recognized by the FBI). Since Corky is such an all around doofus and klutz, this becomes difficult….forming what this director/production company thought was a funny and amazing plot. I can admit that I may have had a half of a smile on through about 4 minutes of the movie and that the plot wasn’t amazing but it had potential…I definitely do not name this as the worst movie I have watched out of the bunch so far based solely on the fact that Kattan has comedic chops that cannot be denied.
I tried really hard to think of anything else to say about this movie, but I must be off my game…nothing comes to mind other than MANGO!!
Monday, June 21, 2010
38th Worst Movie: Swept Away
“Swept Away” Starring Madonna
Directed by Guy Ritchie
As I Crept Away…
By Michele Dillon
I had a very similar experience watching this movie as I did the movie Glitter. Now I know, this was not Madonna’s first movie and that she wowed everyone in Evita, but that does not mean that she is or ever will be a professional actress. I would give her the tip of “stick to your day job”…but her day job is singing and I am not a big fan of that either. I wonder what this woman could be really talented at but just hasn’t given it a shot yet. I will make that my next life goal, to find this out for her…but I it will have to be moved to the bottom of the list because I have way too many other things to worry about right now…one of them being, that I still have very many more movies to watch and I don’t find myself enjoying them any more as the months go on.
So I was actually more disgusted by the plot of this movie then by any of the acting or anything else for that matter. The concept was this; Madonna is this rich snob (which was very believable but I’m sure there was no strain needed for that) who goes on a boat trip cruise with her husband and four of her friends. The cruise ends up being not up to her desires so she decides to berate the crew and the captain and make them feel like pieces of shit the entire time. She particularly enjoys picking on one of the Italian crew members and calls him Pee-Pee the whole time instead of Pepe. One day on the cruise, Madonna (which it’s really sad that I cannot even remember her characters name, that’s how non- invested I was) has Pepe take her in a motorized boat to shore so she can join her husband in exploring a cave. As any person who can predict the plots of bad movies, which I have started to become really good at, the next thing that happened was very foreseeable, the motor on the boat dies in the middle of the ocean and they have no rows so they are forced to wait for someone to find them. Days go by and no one finds them, but for some reason my hope for them still lingered…only to be dashed by the boat sinking and them washing up on a deserted island. This is where the plot got gross, weird and completely unwatchable. It becomes clear on the island that Madonna, being the rich snob that she is, cannot fend for herself. She cannot find shelter, food or even water. But of course, Pepe can because he is handyman of sorts. As soon as he sees Madonna’s weakness that she cannot provide for herself, he turns the table on her and forces her to live by his rules if she wants to eat and drink and be happy. He calls her names, he hits her, and he orders her around to no end only to wait for her to think she can start eating but then demand her to do something else first. This goes on for quite awhile. Then there is one scene where it looks like he might end up raping her. He gets her all the way stripped down (and no, for anyone who thinks Madonna is a MILF, I didn’t see anything) but then he spits in her face and says “No, I will wait for you to fall in love with me”. By this point, I was completely disgusted…I couldn’t comprehend what was going to happen next…Madonna actually falls in love with the horrible guy. At first, it seems as she is just faking it so she can eat and drink water when she wants but as it progresses it becomes clear that no, we are to believe that she has fallen in love with this Italian creep. Then the rest of the movie, which seemed like it was longer than King Kong the remake, is about their disgusting yucky relationship and right when you think you cannot handle it anymore, they are rescued and Madonna goes back to her old way of life and he goes back to his…it was about the dumbest idea that I could have ever encountered in my life…I don’t understand why Guy Ritchie would let this movie come to life just to showcase his wife…it totally made me want to rethink whether or not I even liked the movie Snatch…which was very difficult because damn, that is a good movie…but anyway, there you have it. I realize this is probably the first time I have ever gone into such detail about the plot, and left most of my jokes out the window, but I really was dumbfounded by the movie and wanted everyone to understand how this movie made me feel afterwards, which was dirty and empty inside…I was almost considering watching a movie with Hilary Duff in it, just so I could understand the meaning of sweet, innocent (however, annoying) people again…ALMOST.
Directed by Guy Ritchie
As I Crept Away…
By Michele Dillon
I had a very similar experience watching this movie as I did the movie Glitter. Now I know, this was not Madonna’s first movie and that she wowed everyone in Evita, but that does not mean that she is or ever will be a professional actress. I would give her the tip of “stick to your day job”…but her day job is singing and I am not a big fan of that either. I wonder what this woman could be really talented at but just hasn’t given it a shot yet. I will make that my next life goal, to find this out for her…but I it will have to be moved to the bottom of the list because I have way too many other things to worry about right now…one of them being, that I still have very many more movies to watch and I don’t find myself enjoying them any more as the months go on.
So I was actually more disgusted by the plot of this movie then by any of the acting or anything else for that matter. The concept was this; Madonna is this rich snob (which was very believable but I’m sure there was no strain needed for that) who goes on a boat trip cruise with her husband and four of her friends. The cruise ends up being not up to her desires so she decides to berate the crew and the captain and make them feel like pieces of shit the entire time. She particularly enjoys picking on one of the Italian crew members and calls him Pee-Pee the whole time instead of Pepe. One day on the cruise, Madonna (which it’s really sad that I cannot even remember her characters name, that’s how non- invested I was) has Pepe take her in a motorized boat to shore so she can join her husband in exploring a cave. As any person who can predict the plots of bad movies, which I have started to become really good at, the next thing that happened was very foreseeable, the motor on the boat dies in the middle of the ocean and they have no rows so they are forced to wait for someone to find them. Days go by and no one finds them, but for some reason my hope for them still lingered…only to be dashed by the boat sinking and them washing up on a deserted island. This is where the plot got gross, weird and completely unwatchable. It becomes clear on the island that Madonna, being the rich snob that she is, cannot fend for herself. She cannot find shelter, food or even water. But of course, Pepe can because he is handyman of sorts. As soon as he sees Madonna’s weakness that she cannot provide for herself, he turns the table on her and forces her to live by his rules if she wants to eat and drink and be happy. He calls her names, he hits her, and he orders her around to no end only to wait for her to think she can start eating but then demand her to do something else first. This goes on for quite awhile. Then there is one scene where it looks like he might end up raping her. He gets her all the way stripped down (and no, for anyone who thinks Madonna is a MILF, I didn’t see anything) but then he spits in her face and says “No, I will wait for you to fall in love with me”. By this point, I was completely disgusted…I couldn’t comprehend what was going to happen next…Madonna actually falls in love with the horrible guy. At first, it seems as she is just faking it so she can eat and drink water when she wants but as it progresses it becomes clear that no, we are to believe that she has fallen in love with this Italian creep. Then the rest of the movie, which seemed like it was longer than King Kong the remake, is about their disgusting yucky relationship and right when you think you cannot handle it anymore, they are rescued and Madonna goes back to her old way of life and he goes back to his…it was about the dumbest idea that I could have ever encountered in my life…I don’t understand why Guy Ritchie would let this movie come to life just to showcase his wife…it totally made me want to rethink whether or not I even liked the movie Snatch…which was very difficult because damn, that is a good movie…but anyway, there you have it. I realize this is probably the first time I have ever gone into such detail about the plot, and left most of my jokes out the window, but I really was dumbfounded by the movie and wanted everyone to understand how this movie made me feel afterwards, which was dirty and empty inside…I was almost considering watching a movie with Hilary Duff in it, just so I could understand the meaning of sweet, innocent (however, annoying) people again…ALMOST.
39th Worst Movie: Code Name: The Cleaner
“Code Name: The Cleaner”
Starring Cedric the Entertainer, Lucy Liu and Nicolette Sheridan
Directed by Les Mayfield
Nickname: The Spleener
By Michele Dillon
Only because about 1.5 of you understands my humor, so I will explain…the title of this review is supposed to symbolize that this movie was so bad, it ripped out my spleen. I know…pretty much the best one I have come up with yet.
I am pretty sure 1.5, if not all of you, know how much I do not enjoy Cedric the Entertainer…at the very least his name should be changed to Cedric: The Terminator of All Things Considered Funny. Maybe this goes back to my “this just isn’t my type of humor kind of thing”, but I would really hate to think that there is someone out there who really enjoyed this movie. Thought it was OK, maybe, LOVED IT, let’s hope not. Let’s play Would You Rather. Would you rather watch a movie with Cedric the Entertainer in it for the rest of your life or watch a movie with Hilary Duff in it for the rest of your life. My answer would be “I would rather gouge my eyeballs out, Alex”.
If I am going to publicly acknowledge this movie as bad, I should probably explain what the so called “plot” was about. Cedric wakes up with amnesia in a hotel with a dead FBI agent and a briefcase full of cash. This leads him to believe he is in the CIA and that something went wrong in his investigation….naturally. It basically is trying to spoof Bourne Identity the whole time but in a really bad way. So Cedric goes about half the movie not remembering anything but making up this double life for himself where he is some kind of respected spy but come to realize that he is actually a janitor who just got involved in something really bad. Ooops, I hope I didn’t wreck it for you…even though I was able to figure out what was going on about 2 minutes into the movie anyway so I’m sure you will be fine if you actually wanted to consider watching this.
I can’t really think of much else to say about this movie, other than list 3 things I would rather have been doing than watching it…
1.) Scrubbing a toilet in a male prison
2.) Plucking out my leg hairs individually
3.) Rubbing someone’s feet that has fungus
Starring Cedric the Entertainer, Lucy Liu and Nicolette Sheridan
Directed by Les Mayfield
Nickname: The Spleener
By Michele Dillon
Only because about 1.5 of you understands my humor, so I will explain…the title of this review is supposed to symbolize that this movie was so bad, it ripped out my spleen. I know…pretty much the best one I have come up with yet.
I am pretty sure 1.5, if not all of you, know how much I do not enjoy Cedric the Entertainer…at the very least his name should be changed to Cedric: The Terminator of All Things Considered Funny. Maybe this goes back to my “this just isn’t my type of humor kind of thing”, but I would really hate to think that there is someone out there who really enjoyed this movie. Thought it was OK, maybe, LOVED IT, let’s hope not. Let’s play Would You Rather. Would you rather watch a movie with Cedric the Entertainer in it for the rest of your life or watch a movie with Hilary Duff in it for the rest of your life. My answer would be “I would rather gouge my eyeballs out, Alex”.
If I am going to publicly acknowledge this movie as bad, I should probably explain what the so called “plot” was about. Cedric wakes up with amnesia in a hotel with a dead FBI agent and a briefcase full of cash. This leads him to believe he is in the CIA and that something went wrong in his investigation….naturally. It basically is trying to spoof Bourne Identity the whole time but in a really bad way. So Cedric goes about half the movie not remembering anything but making up this double life for himself where he is some kind of respected spy but come to realize that he is actually a janitor who just got involved in something really bad. Ooops, I hope I didn’t wreck it for you…even though I was able to figure out what was going on about 2 minutes into the movie anyway so I’m sure you will be fine if you actually wanted to consider watching this.
I can’t really think of much else to say about this movie, other than list 3 things I would rather have been doing than watching it…
1.) Scrubbing a toilet in a male prison
2.) Plucking out my leg hairs individually
3.) Rubbing someone’s feet that has fungus
Friday, June 4, 2010
40th Worst Movie: Big Momma’s House 2
“Big Momma’s House 2” Starring Martin Lawrence, Nia Long and Zachary Levi
Directed by John Whitesell
You’re Momma Is So Big…
By Michele Dillon
If anyone asked me 23 years ago, right when I popped out of my momma’s womb, whether I could have ever pictured myself watching a man in a fat suit and consider it funny, I would have said “WAAAA!!!” because come on now, I’m still a baby, that’s all I know how to say, but it would be portraying my sentiments exactly. Was there some part of my life I missed out on and I am the only one who thinks movies like this are not funny? It sure does seem like they make a lot of them if no one thinks they are funny. I will have to admit that it was way better than Norbit…by miles and miles…but that is really not saying much.
So summarized plot line of the story is Martin Lawrence is a cop, he wants to work on a case that he is not getting assigned so…naturally he dresses up as a big fat lady and becomes the in home nanny at the home they are investigating. That would have been my first suggestion as well…anyway things transpire and *SPOILER ALERT* eventually everything works out. I really wish there was something more exciting to talk about this movie but really there isn’t. Except that I could mention my favorite child star was in it as one of the little kids (Chloe Moretz Grace from Kick Ass). That’s about it…don’t know if you were ever planning on watching this movie but I will say that I wasn’t horrified about how bad it was, it just wasn’t really worth 1 ½ hours of my time.
Directed by John Whitesell
You’re Momma Is So Big…
By Michele Dillon
If anyone asked me 23 years ago, right when I popped out of my momma’s womb, whether I could have ever pictured myself watching a man in a fat suit and consider it funny, I would have said “WAAAA!!!” because come on now, I’m still a baby, that’s all I know how to say, but it would be portraying my sentiments exactly. Was there some part of my life I missed out on and I am the only one who thinks movies like this are not funny? It sure does seem like they make a lot of them if no one thinks they are funny. I will have to admit that it was way better than Norbit…by miles and miles…but that is really not saying much.
So summarized plot line of the story is Martin Lawrence is a cop, he wants to work on a case that he is not getting assigned so…naturally he dresses up as a big fat lady and becomes the in home nanny at the home they are investigating. That would have been my first suggestion as well…anyway things transpire and *SPOILER ALERT* eventually everything works out. I really wish there was something more exciting to talk about this movie but really there isn’t. Except that I could mention my favorite child star was in it as one of the little kids (Chloe Moretz Grace from Kick Ass). That’s about it…don’t know if you were ever planning on watching this movie but I will say that I wasn’t horrified about how bad it was, it just wasn’t really worth 1 ½ hours of my time.
41st Worst Movie: Supercross
“Supercross” Starring Steve Howey, Mike Vogel and Sophia Bush
Directed by Steve Boyum
Super Dense
By Michele Dillon
This is going to be difficult but…I’m sorry Steve Howey, but I just have to come right out and say it, you were only good in Reba and you cannot do drama very well. I guess that wasn’t as hard as I thought it was going to be (that’s what she said). Anyway, if I broke this movie down by its plot and its acting, really it wouldn’t be that bad. But put it all together and it…well, is. Maybe I am just too cynical of sports type movies but I think that they really get off too easy (that’s what she said). I mean, everybody just accepts that the plot of the movie is going to be bad, but they don’t care because it’s going to have sports in it. I think that is ridiculous! I don’t think that a movie should be allowed to get made unless it actually has the full package; acting, a good script; and a bad ass director who can make it all come together. What is with our general acceptance of how some movies are just meant to be bad and we are just supposed to deal with it? The three main genres that get away with this are horror, dance movies and sports movies. Someone has got to put an end to it! When will we finally stand up for ourselves and say: “WE WANT TO WATCH MOVIES ABOUT SPORTS AND NOT HAVE OUR IQ DROP 10 POINTS AT THE SAME TIME!”? What is so hard about making a movie like “The Blindside” or “Remember the Titans”? Those movies were able to integrate sports WITH good acting and plots.
Anyway, that is really all I have to say about this movie…which if I look back on it, really isn’t much about the movie at all but just about bad movies in general. I really do have a new found respect for half way decent movies now because I know that there are a lot of much more horrible movies out there that I have unfortunately had the opportunity to watch.
Directed by Steve Boyum
Super Dense
By Michele Dillon
This is going to be difficult but…I’m sorry Steve Howey, but I just have to come right out and say it, you were only good in Reba and you cannot do drama very well. I guess that wasn’t as hard as I thought it was going to be (that’s what she said). Anyway, if I broke this movie down by its plot and its acting, really it wouldn’t be that bad. But put it all together and it…well, is. Maybe I am just too cynical of sports type movies but I think that they really get off too easy (that’s what she said). I mean, everybody just accepts that the plot of the movie is going to be bad, but they don’t care because it’s going to have sports in it. I think that is ridiculous! I don’t think that a movie should be allowed to get made unless it actually has the full package; acting, a good script; and a bad ass director who can make it all come together. What is with our general acceptance of how some movies are just meant to be bad and we are just supposed to deal with it? The three main genres that get away with this are horror, dance movies and sports movies. Someone has got to put an end to it! When will we finally stand up for ourselves and say: “WE WANT TO WATCH MOVIES ABOUT SPORTS AND NOT HAVE OUR IQ DROP 10 POINTS AT THE SAME TIME!”? What is so hard about making a movie like “The Blindside” or “Remember the Titans”? Those movies were able to integrate sports WITH good acting and plots.
Anyway, that is really all I have to say about this movie…which if I look back on it, really isn’t much about the movie at all but just about bad movies in general. I really do have a new found respect for half way decent movies now because I know that there are a lot of much more horrible movies out there that I have unfortunately had the opportunity to watch.
42nd Worst Movie: The Fog
“The Fog” Starring Tom Welling, Maggie Grace and Selma Blair
Directed by Rupert Wainwright
The Mist: From The Tears Rolling Down My Face
By Michele Dillon
I can say that I have seen this movie before and I am really embarrassed to admit that it was in the theatre. I don’t really know what my thinking was at the time, other than me and my friend Stephanie used to go and watch scary movies when they first came out, no matter how bad they looked. I do remember that we left the theatre completely exhausted…from all the laughing. Between Selma Blair doing her fake sexy voice as a radio VJ and the THUMP THUMP THUMP to let you know when the fog was coming, it was a regular ole comedy up in there! Don’t even get me started on the ending!
Ok…well since you asked. So basically this old town is being haunted by fog. When the fog comes so does this old pirate boat that nobody sees (but we, as moviegoers were able too see it) and the pirate people get out of the boat and attack everybody in the town. Blah blah blah, yadda yadda yadda…and THEN as if THAT wasn’t enough-this girl decides that she is going to research the weird happenings going on. She keeps getting dreams like she’s from the olden days. Pretty much, stuff happens, and then a small group of people realize that the old invisible pirate people are actually the ghosts of people who had come to that town a long time ago and made a deal with the townspeople. The townspeople decided to take the deal but then kill off the pirate people by burning them in their boat. Now the pirate people are coming back to kill off every family member who was a part of that olden day pact. But get this, one of the pirate persons that were killed, looks just like the real girl who was investigating this whole thing. And this is the ending you have all been waiting for, she can see the invisible pirate people and so she walks up to her old ghost lover and kisses him and then SHE becomes a ghost? Are you completely confused? Yeah…basically there wasn’t any other better way to explain that where you weren’t going to be confused because that is like VERBATIM how the movie happened. So sorry to burst your bubble; I know you thought this movie was going to be amazing and all. Better luck next time!
Directed by Rupert Wainwright
The Mist: From The Tears Rolling Down My Face
By Michele Dillon
I can say that I have seen this movie before and I am really embarrassed to admit that it was in the theatre. I don’t really know what my thinking was at the time, other than me and my friend Stephanie used to go and watch scary movies when they first came out, no matter how bad they looked. I do remember that we left the theatre completely exhausted…from all the laughing. Between Selma Blair doing her fake sexy voice as a radio VJ and the THUMP THUMP THUMP to let you know when the fog was coming, it was a regular ole comedy up in there! Don’t even get me started on the ending!
Ok…well since you asked. So basically this old town is being haunted by fog. When the fog comes so does this old pirate boat that nobody sees (but we, as moviegoers were able too see it) and the pirate people get out of the boat and attack everybody in the town. Blah blah blah, yadda yadda yadda…and THEN as if THAT wasn’t enough-this girl decides that she is going to research the weird happenings going on. She keeps getting dreams like she’s from the olden days. Pretty much, stuff happens, and then a small group of people realize that the old invisible pirate people are actually the ghosts of people who had come to that town a long time ago and made a deal with the townspeople. The townspeople decided to take the deal but then kill off the pirate people by burning them in their boat. Now the pirate people are coming back to kill off every family member who was a part of that olden day pact. But get this, one of the pirate persons that were killed, looks just like the real girl who was investigating this whole thing. And this is the ending you have all been waiting for, she can see the invisible pirate people and so she walks up to her old ghost lover and kisses him and then SHE becomes a ghost? Are you completely confused? Yeah…basically there wasn’t any other better way to explain that where you weren’t going to be confused because that is like VERBATIM how the movie happened. So sorry to burst your bubble; I know you thought this movie was going to be amazing and all. Better luck next time!
43rd Worst Movie: Yu-Gi-Oh: The Movie
“Yu-Gi-Oh: The Movie” Starring Dan Green, Eric Stuart and Scottie Ray
Directed by Hatsuki Tsuji
Yugio Duel Monsters: Hikari No Pyramid
By Michele Dillon
So the heading, I am guessing, is the Japanese way to say the title of the movie, I thought it was pretty BA so I used it because you don’t want to know what other kind of original title I would have used to describe this movie. Ok, I will tell you anyway, here are a few I was thinking: Yu-Gi-Horrible, Yu-Go-Home, and Yu-Gi-Oh My. Ok, so they are not great but I was being about as creative as the creators of this movie. This movie is in desperate need of one of my lists.
This Movie Sucks Because…
It doesn’t make sense! I watched the entire movie (ok, I may have drifted off here and there) and none of it made sense! They are playing dueling cards??!! What kind of stupid crap is that?!
The one girl character that they made in the movie was wearing so short of a skirt, if she actually had lady parts, I would have seen them…wasn’t this made for kids?
The repetitive and irritating use of the name “Kaiba-boy”. It was used from one character to the other in uses such “you’ll never beat me Kaiba-boy”, “don’t try that one with me Kaiba-boy” and “oh no you didn’t Kaiba-boy”. Ok, so I made that last one up but I think you get the picture.
In the beginning of the movie when they are explaining the start of the story, they use the phrase “it was never to happen, and it hadn’t for 5,000 years” about oh I don’t know, A BILLION TIMES! Ok we get it! It was NEVER to happen! Stop saying that before I MAKE it happen again!
I don’t know what was with the narration of the movie but it was horrible! Horrible voice! Horrible dialogue! Horrible, Horrible, Yu-Gi-Horrible!
I don’t even know if this movie was made for kids, for adults or for idiots, but it NEVER should have been made and I am pretty confident that, even though I have not seen the rest of the movies on the list that this should have been the number one worst movie. Yeah I said it, NUMBER ONE!
Directed by Hatsuki Tsuji
Yugio Duel Monsters: Hikari No Pyramid
By Michele Dillon
So the heading, I am guessing, is the Japanese way to say the title of the movie, I thought it was pretty BA so I used it because you don’t want to know what other kind of original title I would have used to describe this movie. Ok, I will tell you anyway, here are a few I was thinking: Yu-Gi-Horrible, Yu-Go-Home, and Yu-Gi-Oh My. Ok, so they are not great but I was being about as creative as the creators of this movie. This movie is in desperate need of one of my lists.
This Movie Sucks Because…
It doesn’t make sense! I watched the entire movie (ok, I may have drifted off here and there) and none of it made sense! They are playing dueling cards??!! What kind of stupid crap is that?!
The one girl character that they made in the movie was wearing so short of a skirt, if she actually had lady parts, I would have seen them…wasn’t this made for kids?
The repetitive and irritating use of the name “Kaiba-boy”. It was used from one character to the other in uses such “you’ll never beat me Kaiba-boy”, “don’t try that one with me Kaiba-boy” and “oh no you didn’t Kaiba-boy”. Ok, so I made that last one up but I think you get the picture.
In the beginning of the movie when they are explaining the start of the story, they use the phrase “it was never to happen, and it hadn’t for 5,000 years” about oh I don’t know, A BILLION TIMES! Ok we get it! It was NEVER to happen! Stop saying that before I MAKE it happen again!
I don’t know what was with the narration of the movie but it was horrible! Horrible voice! Horrible dialogue! Horrible, Horrible, Yu-Gi-Horrible!
I don’t even know if this movie was made for kids, for adults or for idiots, but it NEVER should have been made and I am pretty confident that, even though I have not seen the rest of the movies on the list that this should have been the number one worst movie. Yeah I said it, NUMBER ONE!
44th Worst Movie: Material Girls
“Material Girls” Starring Hilary Duff, Haylie Duff and Angelica Houston
Directed by Martha Coolidge
Madonna Say What?
By Michele Dillon
Here are two things that Madonna and this movie have in common. One, the obvious, that the title of the movie is the title of one of her most famous songs and two, Madonna starred in a really bad movie (Swept Away-which is on this list) and this movie IS a bad movie. Some people say they don’t believe in “meant to be” but this should be sure fire proof that they are wrong.
Just like any good movie reviewer, I’m going to resort to making my pro’s and con’s list of this movie since I really don’t think I could come up with logical full sentences about it.
Pros
1.) I didn’t have to listen to Madonna sing “Material Girls” which I thought was going to be an expected
Cons
1.) I had to listen to Hilary and Haylie Duff sing “Material Girls” which I should have seen coming
2.) The amazingly bad outfits that they had to wear but were supposed to be considered fashionable…but at the same time, made me wonder why those things were not in my closet right this very second
3.) It is inconceivable that Hilary Duff still gets cast for movies with her high pitched squeaky annoying voice…I want to do either of two things when I hear it: vomit and/or run as fast as I can onto a chair because I think I hear a mouse
4.) Not to just dive right into making fun of the plot, but really, the plot was “a hot mess” (as my new comedian favorite Chelsea Handler likes to say)
5.)If I have to see Hilary Duff in one more of these Worst movies, I think that I should be given a medal…a medal for being able to not automatically take a whole bottle of vicodin in hopes that her face will get so blurry I will think its Ashley Tisdale or better yet, I will have to be airlifted to a hospital to have my stomach pumped which is what I really would rather be doing than watching this stupid girl act
6.) I don’t really remember (I confess, I took HALF a bottle of vicodin, but only HALF, I still deserve my medal), but did I already attack the plot, because if I haven’t, I just have to say, it was really dumb
7.) As always, I will end my cons list on the number 7 because I believe that since I am saying such negative things that the lucky number seven will even my negativity out and if I were to not survive my stomach being pumped (you know…if it must resort to those measures) than I would still get in to heaven (cause you know that is where Duff will go…but only if she dyes her hair back to blonde again and admits to having an eating disorder. At least that is the deal that God and Satan have…Satan only wants the fatties and the brunettes…that’s why I must never allow myself to become obese and if I do then I must immediately dye my hair blonde)
Just as a side note, I will save you the time of going back and looking at all my pros and cons list to see if I really did end on 7 each time…I really didn’t, I lied…but I never did say I deserved a medal for honesty…
Directed by Martha Coolidge
Madonna Say What?
By Michele Dillon
Here are two things that Madonna and this movie have in common. One, the obvious, that the title of the movie is the title of one of her most famous songs and two, Madonna starred in a really bad movie (Swept Away-which is on this list) and this movie IS a bad movie. Some people say they don’t believe in “meant to be” but this should be sure fire proof that they are wrong.
Just like any good movie reviewer, I’m going to resort to making my pro’s and con’s list of this movie since I really don’t think I could come up with logical full sentences about it.
Pros
1.) I didn’t have to listen to Madonna sing “Material Girls” which I thought was going to be an expected
Cons
1.) I had to listen to Hilary and Haylie Duff sing “Material Girls” which I should have seen coming
2.) The amazingly bad outfits that they had to wear but were supposed to be considered fashionable…but at the same time, made me wonder why those things were not in my closet right this very second
3.) It is inconceivable that Hilary Duff still gets cast for movies with her high pitched squeaky annoying voice…I want to do either of two things when I hear it: vomit and/or run as fast as I can onto a chair because I think I hear a mouse
4.) Not to just dive right into making fun of the plot, but really, the plot was “a hot mess” (as my new comedian favorite Chelsea Handler likes to say)
5.)If I have to see Hilary Duff in one more of these Worst movies, I think that I should be given a medal…a medal for being able to not automatically take a whole bottle of vicodin in hopes that her face will get so blurry I will think its Ashley Tisdale or better yet, I will have to be airlifted to a hospital to have my stomach pumped which is what I really would rather be doing than watching this stupid girl act
6.) I don’t really remember (I confess, I took HALF a bottle of vicodin, but only HALF, I still deserve my medal), but did I already attack the plot, because if I haven’t, I just have to say, it was really dumb
7.) As always, I will end my cons list on the number 7 because I believe that since I am saying such negative things that the lucky number seven will even my negativity out and if I were to not survive my stomach being pumped (you know…if it must resort to those measures) than I would still get in to heaven (cause you know that is where Duff will go…but only if she dyes her hair back to blonde again and admits to having an eating disorder. At least that is the deal that God and Satan have…Satan only wants the fatties and the brunettes…that’s why I must never allow myself to become obese and if I do then I must immediately dye my hair blonde)
Just as a side note, I will save you the time of going back and looking at all my pros and cons list to see if I really did end on 7 each time…I really didn’t, I lied…but I never did say I deserved a medal for honesty…
Wednesday, June 2, 2010
45th Worst Movie: Universal Soldier: The Return
“Universal Soldier: The Return” Starring Jean-Claude Van Damme, Xander Berkeley and Michael Jai White
Directed by Mic Rodgers
Why Exactly Did He Return?
By Michele Dillon
As if any movie that has Jean-Claude Van Damme in it could be good, it will come as no surprise to you that this movie did not stop that cycle. Does anyone else hate the types of jeans he wears? I find them very disgusting and offensive…I really don’t want to see Jean-Claude Van Damme’s body shape that well…I still can’t wrap my mind around the fact that this guy was a sex symbol…PUKE!
So if it helps you enjoy this it all, please read the review in a French accent. To assist with this, I will try to write it the way you should sound. Dis movie vas avout ‘ow unibersal soldzers (dead guys brought back to life to be army killing machines) turn on their makiers. Obbvossly, vis did not turn out vell.
It’s hard to believe, but that is actually really hard to do so I will continue in my really boring English accent (no, not British, I am not that cool). So after the universal soldiers turn on their makers, it is up to Jean-Claude Van Damme to make sure that the leader doesn’t get a hold of a secret code that only he knows that could either make the leader die or if he discovered it, could make him live forever…muhahahahahha!! Sorry, got carried away there…I think that it is OK to say this without it being a spoiler but once again, happy ending and the stinking dead guys/robots do not live forever and humans are back to being smarter than them...which I am not sure is all entirely true because I don’t think that a robot would have made a movie this dumb…but I am a human so I shouldn’t be racist against myself and just accept the fact that there are some really stupid people out there and I am obviously not one of the them.
What else can I say? Except that maybe Jean-Claude Van Damme should definitely get new pants…hello! We are in a new millennium here Jean…figure it out…
Directed by Mic Rodgers
Why Exactly Did He Return?
By Michele Dillon
As if any movie that has Jean-Claude Van Damme in it could be good, it will come as no surprise to you that this movie did not stop that cycle. Does anyone else hate the types of jeans he wears? I find them very disgusting and offensive…I really don’t want to see Jean-Claude Van Damme’s body shape that well…I still can’t wrap my mind around the fact that this guy was a sex symbol…PUKE!
So if it helps you enjoy this it all, please read the review in a French accent. To assist with this, I will try to write it the way you should sound. Dis movie vas avout ‘ow unibersal soldzers (dead guys brought back to life to be army killing machines) turn on their makiers. Obbvossly, vis did not turn out vell.
It’s hard to believe, but that is actually really hard to do so I will continue in my really boring English accent (no, not British, I am not that cool). So after the universal soldiers turn on their makers, it is up to Jean-Claude Van Damme to make sure that the leader doesn’t get a hold of a secret code that only he knows that could either make the leader die or if he discovered it, could make him live forever…muhahahahahha!! Sorry, got carried away there…I think that it is OK to say this without it being a spoiler but once again, happy ending and the stinking dead guys/robots do not live forever and humans are back to being smarter than them...which I am not sure is all entirely true because I don’t think that a robot would have made a movie this dumb…but I am a human so I shouldn’t be racist against myself and just accept the fact that there are some really stupid people out there and I am obviously not one of the them.
What else can I say? Except that maybe Jean-Claude Van Damme should definitely get new pants…hello! We are in a new millennium here Jean…figure it out…
46th Worst Movie: The Forsaken
“The Forsaken” Starring Kerr Smith, Brendan Fehr and Izabella Miko
Directed by J.S. Cardone
Oh J.S. Cardone! Why have you Forsaken ME?!!
By Michele Dillon
Anyone heard of this director? Yeah…didn’t think so…that’s because whenever this movie first came out, I am pretty sure that someone hunted him down and then killed him for making such a god-awful movie. Ok, so it’s a vampire movie…no no…don’t get too excited…it wasn’t that kind of vampire movie. It was a HORRIBLE inconceivable vampire movie! It was about vampires who go around, just for fun, at night and punching holes in people’s stomachs and not just sucking their blood…eating their flesh and being completely disgusting about it too! I mean, they didn’t even use forks!! And on top of that, I’m pretty sure this was supposed to be the twist in the movie or something, if you get bitten by a vampire and they don’t, you know…kill you and eat you, then you will turn into one too BUT this guy figured out if you take a bunch of prescription pills together then it delays the transformation for up to a year. He uses that time to track down the vampire that bit him because supposedly if you kill the original vampire then the virus is lifted…like that makes any sense at all! What’s even worse is that this movie was just made in 2001…only 9 years ago! It wasn’t even an early 90’s movie where you could still experiment with pieces of junk movies like this…OK, that’s IT! No more disgusting movies! I’m putting my foot down!
Directed by J.S. Cardone
Oh J.S. Cardone! Why have you Forsaken ME?!!
By Michele Dillon
Anyone heard of this director? Yeah…didn’t think so…that’s because whenever this movie first came out, I am pretty sure that someone hunted him down and then killed him for making such a god-awful movie. Ok, so it’s a vampire movie…no no…don’t get too excited…it wasn’t that kind of vampire movie. It was a HORRIBLE inconceivable vampire movie! It was about vampires who go around, just for fun, at night and punching holes in people’s stomachs and not just sucking their blood…eating their flesh and being completely disgusting about it too! I mean, they didn’t even use forks!! And on top of that, I’m pretty sure this was supposed to be the twist in the movie or something, if you get bitten by a vampire and they don’t, you know…kill you and eat you, then you will turn into one too BUT this guy figured out if you take a bunch of prescription pills together then it delays the transformation for up to a year. He uses that time to track down the vampire that bit him because supposedly if you kill the original vampire then the virus is lifted…like that makes any sense at all! What’s even worse is that this movie was just made in 2001…only 9 years ago! It wasn’t even an early 90’s movie where you could still experiment with pieces of junk movies like this…OK, that’s IT! No more disgusting movies! I’m putting my foot down!
47th Worst Movie: Extreme Ops
“Extreme Ops” Starring Devon Sawa, Bridgette Wilson and Rufus Sewell
Directed by Christian Duguay
Extreme OOPS
By Michele Dillon
Yeah, I know, pretty much a 2 year old could have come up with that headline but hey…that’s what watching these movies causes me to resort too. Don’t be surprised if you see a lot of that throughout this review.
I was EXTREMEly disappointed in how bad this film actually was. First off, the foundation of the movie is based on a story of snowboarders and skiers who agree to get filmed coming down a hill while being chased by an actual avalanche (for some kind of EXTREME sports movie that a director is making). But then the movie turns into one that is about murder and “suspense”…out of nowhere…like where the hell did that come from? And it didn’t even make logical sense. Some crazy mob guy sees one of the skiers filming a guy making out with this girl when the guy is actually supposed to be dead. He did some kind of “fake your own death” thing so a pending trial would get dismissed. But instead of the mob guy just trying to go in and steal the video tape (which would have been pretty easy to do), he goes in and holds a gun to the boy’s head and demands the video tape and the boy didn’t even know that what he was filming was suspicious in the first place! But now he knows that something fishy is going on so he brings everyone else into it. How stupid can you get? My number one biggest pet peeve is when a movie gets made and all the characters are made into these illogical dumb dumbs because the filmmaker/screenwriter thinks that is the only way we will believe that this plot could have happened. In reality, they could have pulled it off making them smart characters AND the movie would have been way better if they did it that way. Anyway, I guess that I can’t really be too critical because I haven’t even made ONE movie and at least Christian Duguay can say he has…even though it sucked balls and I wish I never saw it.
Directed by Christian Duguay
Extreme OOPS
By Michele Dillon
Yeah, I know, pretty much a 2 year old could have come up with that headline but hey…that’s what watching these movies causes me to resort too. Don’t be surprised if you see a lot of that throughout this review.
I was EXTREMEly disappointed in how bad this film actually was. First off, the foundation of the movie is based on a story of snowboarders and skiers who agree to get filmed coming down a hill while being chased by an actual avalanche (for some kind of EXTREME sports movie that a director is making). But then the movie turns into one that is about murder and “suspense”…out of nowhere…like where the hell did that come from? And it didn’t even make logical sense. Some crazy mob guy sees one of the skiers filming a guy making out with this girl when the guy is actually supposed to be dead. He did some kind of “fake your own death” thing so a pending trial would get dismissed. But instead of the mob guy just trying to go in and steal the video tape (which would have been pretty easy to do), he goes in and holds a gun to the boy’s head and demands the video tape and the boy didn’t even know that what he was filming was suspicious in the first place! But now he knows that something fishy is going on so he brings everyone else into it. How stupid can you get? My number one biggest pet peeve is when a movie gets made and all the characters are made into these illogical dumb dumbs because the filmmaker/screenwriter thinks that is the only way we will believe that this plot could have happened. In reality, they could have pulled it off making them smart characters AND the movie would have been way better if they did it that way. Anyway, I guess that I can’t really be too critical because I haven’t even made ONE movie and at least Christian Duguay can say he has…even though it sucked balls and I wish I never saw it.
48th Worst Movie: The Adventures of Pluto Nash
“The Adventures of Pluto Nash” Starring Eddie Murphy, Rosario Dawson and Randy Quaid
Directed by Ron Underwood
The Really Un-exciting Adventures of a Person with a Horrible Name
By Michele Dillon
Alright, let’s get it over with and right out into the open…I am in love with Eddie Murphy. His voice, his hair, his acting abilities down to his crazy out there funniness…man, if only there was a way I could meet him, I just know I could make him love me back. (This paragraph is best understood if read in a sarcastic tone).
Ok, now that that is out of the way; what was up with this movie? As I was watching it, I was wondering, as I often do, how this movie even got past the pre-production phase…as in the pre-pre-production phase where the movie hasn’t even been bought by a studio yet. It just boggles my mind how movies like this can get made and yet I am still not making movies. Yes, I know, it all comes down to dedication and you know “actually trying” but really, if I had done even either of those things…I could have made a really sh***y movie by now! If only! Can you think of it? I would title it “The Dumbest Movie Ever” Starring Jackie Chan, Eddie Murphy, Cedric the Entertainer and Scarlet Johannson (AKA the dumbest actors ever). It would be amazingly bad! Come to think of it, I am going to start writing it now…I just hope that I can get the cast I am picturing….ahh, who am I kidding, they’ve got nothing else better to do!
Anyway, I totally lost track of the fact that I am writing a review and not telling you about my awesome future plans for my life…so this movie, um…I really don’t know…I did watch it…it’s just…hmmm…OK, yes, I believe there was Eddie Murphy and he lived on the moon (by the way, the moon is very dusty, don’t ever try to live there) and someone was trying to take over all of the moon’s businesses in order to make the whole moon a casino (I know, why didn’t I think of this). So as if that wasn’t enough of a plot to keep you going (which, by the way, it really wasn’t) then they also added some running away and some hiding and even the all inclusive cloning! If I haven’t sold you on this movie yet then you just have no creativity or imagination.
So anyway, obviously I loved this movie and I will immediately go out and buy it and watch it every day. (Come to think of it, this whole review would be best understood if read in a sarcastic tone)
Directed by Ron Underwood
The Really Un-exciting Adventures of a Person with a Horrible Name
By Michele Dillon
Alright, let’s get it over with and right out into the open…I am in love with Eddie Murphy. His voice, his hair, his acting abilities down to his crazy out there funniness…man, if only there was a way I could meet him, I just know I could make him love me back. (This paragraph is best understood if read in a sarcastic tone).
Ok, now that that is out of the way; what was up with this movie? As I was watching it, I was wondering, as I often do, how this movie even got past the pre-production phase…as in the pre-pre-production phase where the movie hasn’t even been bought by a studio yet. It just boggles my mind how movies like this can get made and yet I am still not making movies. Yes, I know, it all comes down to dedication and you know “actually trying” but really, if I had done even either of those things…I could have made a really sh***y movie by now! If only! Can you think of it? I would title it “The Dumbest Movie Ever” Starring Jackie Chan, Eddie Murphy, Cedric the Entertainer and Scarlet Johannson (AKA the dumbest actors ever). It would be amazingly bad! Come to think of it, I am going to start writing it now…I just hope that I can get the cast I am picturing….ahh, who am I kidding, they’ve got nothing else better to do!
Anyway, I totally lost track of the fact that I am writing a review and not telling you about my awesome future plans for my life…so this movie, um…I really don’t know…I did watch it…it’s just…hmmm…OK, yes, I believe there was Eddie Murphy and he lived on the moon (by the way, the moon is very dusty, don’t ever try to live there) and someone was trying to take over all of the moon’s businesses in order to make the whole moon a casino (I know, why didn’t I think of this). So as if that wasn’t enough of a plot to keep you going (which, by the way, it really wasn’t) then they also added some running away and some hiding and even the all inclusive cloning! If I haven’t sold you on this movie yet then you just have no creativity or imagination.
So anyway, obviously I loved this movie and I will immediately go out and buy it and watch it every day. (Come to think of it, this whole review would be best understood if read in a sarcastic tone)
Wednesday, March 24, 2010
49th Worst Movie: Summer Catch
“Summer Catch” Starring Jessica Biel, Freddie Prinze Jr. and Matthew Lilliard
Directed by Michael Tollin
Bummer Batch
By Michele Dillon
What really can you say about a movie like this? I’m so glad that Freddie Prinze Jr. no longer makes movies? When are they going to stop casting Jessica Biel as well? Ok, so I really don’t have that big of a problem with Jessica Biel but I do think that she is too ridiculously skinny now that she is all “famous” and I used to like that she was the one that would make everybody be proud with her about her curvy body. That’s just another one who got lost to the Hollywood fame. Not that I am saying I would have all that much luck myself having to deal with the whole world talking about my weight. It gets pretty bad what people say nowadays. I really am just trying to stall with this right now…
So the movie was about a boy (yes boy, not man) who stays home for the summer so he can try out for the hometown minor league baseball team. Supposedly he is really good but you really don’t see it cause he I guess he gets the case of the nerves when he plays for the games that count. But then he hits his stride and starts doing really well. All the while he is dating this girl who is played by Biel and she is some kind of fancy shmancy too rich for him type of character so its all about the families hating families thing and “I’m not good enough for you” stupid crap that used to be the plots of a lot of romantic comedies back in the day. It really wasn’t anything new and interesting. It was predictable, lame and there wasn’t even any whip creamed naked girls in it (even though I am not a guy, I think everyone can agree a whip cream naked girl always fixes a bad movie).
I am so glad that romantic comedies (for the most part) are taking a new twist these days (I.E.: Ugly Truth, Forgetting Sarah Marshall). I really don’t know how many more of these on the Worst List I can watch. I can’t even say anything funny about this movie because it was so dull; it took away all my wittiness.
Directed by Michael Tollin
Bummer Batch
By Michele Dillon
What really can you say about a movie like this? I’m so glad that Freddie Prinze Jr. no longer makes movies? When are they going to stop casting Jessica Biel as well? Ok, so I really don’t have that big of a problem with Jessica Biel but I do think that she is too ridiculously skinny now that she is all “famous” and I used to like that she was the one that would make everybody be proud with her about her curvy body. That’s just another one who got lost to the Hollywood fame. Not that I am saying I would have all that much luck myself having to deal with the whole world talking about my weight. It gets pretty bad what people say nowadays. I really am just trying to stall with this right now…
So the movie was about a boy (yes boy, not man) who stays home for the summer so he can try out for the hometown minor league baseball team. Supposedly he is really good but you really don’t see it cause he I guess he gets the case of the nerves when he plays for the games that count. But then he hits his stride and starts doing really well. All the while he is dating this girl who is played by Biel and she is some kind of fancy shmancy too rich for him type of character so its all about the families hating families thing and “I’m not good enough for you” stupid crap that used to be the plots of a lot of romantic comedies back in the day. It really wasn’t anything new and interesting. It was predictable, lame and there wasn’t even any whip creamed naked girls in it (even though I am not a guy, I think everyone can agree a whip cream naked girl always fixes a bad movie).
I am so glad that romantic comedies (for the most part) are taking a new twist these days (I.E.: Ugly Truth, Forgetting Sarah Marshall). I really don’t know how many more of these on the Worst List I can watch. I can’t even say anything funny about this movie because it was so dull; it took away all my wittiness.
50th Worst Movie: Cheaper By the Dozen 2
“Cheaper By the Dozen 2” Starring Steve Martin, Bonnie Hunt and Hilary Duff
Directed by Adam Shankman
Cheap and Cheesy (And I certainly don’t want a dozen of it)
By Michele Dillon
If you want to know if you are going to be watching a bad movie there are a few things that you need to look out for. First off, anything with a 2, 3 or 4 after the title or just repeats the same title as the original but puts a THE in front it you want to steer clear from! Secondly, if it says Hilary Duff stars ANYWHERE in the movie, whether it is a cameo or not (is she even famous enough to do a cameo?) then you can just PUT THE MOVIE DOWN…WALK AWAY SLOWLY…and not to be too drastic but you must quickly leave the movie aisle that you are in or bad things might happen. Thirdly (thirdly is a word, right?), please remember that Adam Shankman is a good dance choreographer, but never in anyone’s definition does that ever mean that you can direct movies or that you should even try. And finally, if it talks like a bad script (you can tell its talking like a bad script because usually it does it in a really bad imitation of a British accent), it sounds like a bad script (this is simple, just have someone read it out loud to you and if you cringe at the first sentence then that’s a good sign that it is a bad script-OR to make it even more simpler, just have the script read itself to you and you’ll know immediately if its bad because of the poorly imitated British accent we just talked about-but be careful with this one, once you get a bad script to read itself…sometimes there is no turning back), it walks like a bad script (believe me, I’ve seen bad scripts walk…it was trying to get out of the scene of the set as fast as it could!)…then it IS a bad script.
If it was not abundantly clear by now, this movie is what I consider bad due to all of these qualifications…or in other words…duh.
Directed by Adam Shankman
Cheap and Cheesy (And I certainly don’t want a dozen of it)
By Michele Dillon
If you want to know if you are going to be watching a bad movie there are a few things that you need to look out for. First off, anything with a 2, 3 or 4 after the title or just repeats the same title as the original but puts a THE in front it you want to steer clear from! Secondly, if it says Hilary Duff stars ANYWHERE in the movie, whether it is a cameo or not (is she even famous enough to do a cameo?) then you can just PUT THE MOVIE DOWN…WALK AWAY SLOWLY…and not to be too drastic but you must quickly leave the movie aisle that you are in or bad things might happen. Thirdly (thirdly is a word, right?), please remember that Adam Shankman is a good dance choreographer, but never in anyone’s definition does that ever mean that you can direct movies or that you should even try. And finally, if it talks like a bad script (you can tell its talking like a bad script because usually it does it in a really bad imitation of a British accent), it sounds like a bad script (this is simple, just have someone read it out loud to you and if you cringe at the first sentence then that’s a good sign that it is a bad script-OR to make it even more simpler, just have the script read itself to you and you’ll know immediately if its bad because of the poorly imitated British accent we just talked about-but be careful with this one, once you get a bad script to read itself…sometimes there is no turning back), it walks like a bad script (believe me, I’ve seen bad scripts walk…it was trying to get out of the scene of the set as fast as it could!)…then it IS a bad script.
If it was not abundantly clear by now, this movie is what I consider bad due to all of these qualifications…or in other words…duh.
Monday, March 22, 2010
51st Worst Movie: Glitter
"Glitter" Starring Mariah Carrey, Max Beesley & Terrence Howard
Directed by Vondie Curtis-Hall
Slit-her Wrists!
By Michele Dillon
There are lots of things that glitter; stars…glitter…OK maybe there aren’t that many things that glitter but the point is, this movie doesn’t glitter at all. Something about watching Mariah Carrey in a movie, trying to act, made me think that there can be something worse than hearing Mariah Carrey sing. But guess what? This movie was a double whammy! I got to see Mariah Carrey try to act AND she sang at the same time! It was chaos! I didn’t know whether I should chop off my ears or gouge my eyeballs out! In the end, I settled for sticking it out through the movie so I could make fun of it to my fullest extent.
So the premise of the movie was a young girl that got taken away from her mother because she was, you guessed it, a drug addict. But she was singing since she was a little kid (I know, I almost puked trying to think of Mariah Carrey as a little kid too) and as she got older she was in what someone can only call a singing group with bad clothes (it was probably to deter from the bad singing). But one magical day, she gets discovered and she no longer has to wear bad clothes…she has to wear really bad clothes. She ends up dating her producer (didn’t anyone ever tell her that is a bad idea) and then she stops dating her producer…things happen….someone gets killed….but everything is alright because in the end she gets to meet her drug addict mother (who supposedly she has not been able to locate since she got taken away)!!
Now as you can see, I am not just a highly critical person, I actually do pay enough attention to a movie to be able to look at it in a completely non-biased way and then critique it in a completely right (and I am the only one who ever really is right about movies and whether or not they are good) way. So you are welcome for enlightening you and saving you about 2 excruciating hours of your life…don’t say I never did you any solids.
Directed by Vondie Curtis-Hall
Slit-her Wrists!
By Michele Dillon
There are lots of things that glitter; stars…glitter…OK maybe there aren’t that many things that glitter but the point is, this movie doesn’t glitter at all. Something about watching Mariah Carrey in a movie, trying to act, made me think that there can be something worse than hearing Mariah Carrey sing. But guess what? This movie was a double whammy! I got to see Mariah Carrey try to act AND she sang at the same time! It was chaos! I didn’t know whether I should chop off my ears or gouge my eyeballs out! In the end, I settled for sticking it out through the movie so I could make fun of it to my fullest extent.
So the premise of the movie was a young girl that got taken away from her mother because she was, you guessed it, a drug addict. But she was singing since she was a little kid (I know, I almost puked trying to think of Mariah Carrey as a little kid too) and as she got older she was in what someone can only call a singing group with bad clothes (it was probably to deter from the bad singing). But one magical day, she gets discovered and she no longer has to wear bad clothes…she has to wear really bad clothes. She ends up dating her producer (didn’t anyone ever tell her that is a bad idea) and then she stops dating her producer…things happen….someone gets killed….but everything is alright because in the end she gets to meet her drug addict mother (who supposedly she has not been able to locate since she got taken away)!!
Now as you can see, I am not just a highly critical person, I actually do pay enough attention to a movie to be able to look at it in a completely non-biased way and then critique it in a completely right (and I am the only one who ever really is right about movies and whether or not they are good) way. So you are welcome for enlightening you and saving you about 2 excruciating hours of your life…don’t say I never did you any solids.
Friday, February 19, 2010
You All May Be Thinking...
...that as soon as I ran out of time I gave up on my blog because if any of you have noticed I haven't posted one since. The truth is that I am still watching the movies and trying to get down to one but I just haven't posted any of the blogs about them yet. I just didn't feel worthy doing that unless I had most if not all of them watched already cause I didn't want to feel like I was letting you down...not really I am just making excuses. Anyway...just be sure that I have not given up...I will eventually finish this...I just know that for next time if I am doing anything similar to this I should give myself a little more time :)
Monday, January 25, 2010
Time's Up!
I know you guys follow this blog closely everyday( seriously, stop logging in every hour, it's weird!) so I thought that it wouldn't sneak past you to see that I am past my deadline for my blogs...
NOT TO WORRY! I am still going to finish them but it is just taking me a lot longer then expected...as I go farther and farther down the list...the movies get worse and worse...hmmm I guess that IS how a countdown works...
Anyway, don't lose faith in me 6 followers! I will prevail!
NOT TO WORRY! I am still going to finish them but it is just taking me a lot longer then expected...as I go farther and farther down the list...the movies get worse and worse...hmmm I guess that IS how a countdown works...
Anyway, don't lose faith in me 6 followers! I will prevail!
Thursday, January 21, 2010
Stalling Tactic
So even though I am pretty amazing, it's not really possible for me to watch 51 movies in one day (in reality I only have 37 movies left because I watched some out of order, but they are not posted yet since I am counting down)...don't ask me how it happened but somehow the time got away from me and I obviously underestimated how long it would take me to watch such horrible movies. I figured I would watch one every other day but you want to take a break from it every once and awhile and even though there were a few times where I watched 4 movies in a day, I was just never able to catch up with deadline...I know....how could I disappoint my 6 followers so bad?
Not to worry though because I have come up with a really good stalling tactic. I am going to post a list of...wait for it...all the movies....from 2009....from best to worst!! Wow! That is even BETTER than all my movie reviews I've done so far!
So here it is...
2009 Best and Worst Movies
The Good
27.) A Perfect Getaway
26.) Julie and Julia
25.) The Proposal
24.) Earth
23.) Confessions of a Shopaholic
22.) Alvin and the Chipmunks 2: The Squeakqel
21.) Adam
20.) Sunshine Cleaning
19.) The Time Traveler’s Wife
18.) Away We Go
17.) Crossing Over
16.) Push
15.) Taken
14.) The Blindside
13.) Terminator Salvation
12.) X-Men Origins: Wolverine
11.) Gamer
10.) Law Abiding Citizen
9.) Star Trek
8.) Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince
7.) Avatar 3D
6.) Up
5.) The Ugly Truth
4.) 17 Again
3.) Zombieland
2.) The Hangover
And the best movie of 2009 is…
1.) Inglourious Basterds- say Auf Wiedersehen to your Nazi balls!
The So-So
27.) Hannah Montana: The Movie
26.) Inkheart
25.) Knowing
24.) 9
23.) Fast and Furious
22.) New In Town
21.) Land of the Lost
20.) The Taking of Pelham 123
19.) Saw 6
18.) 12 Rounds
17.) Couples Retreat
16.) Men Who Stare at Goats
15.) Adventureland
14.) Hotel For Dogs
13.) I Love You Man
12.) The Last House on the Left
11.) 500 Days of Summer
10.) Orphan
9.) State of Play
8.) My Sister’s Keeper
7.) Funny People
6.) He’s Just Not That Into You
5.) Transformers 2: Revenge of the Fallen
4.) Underworld: Rise of the Lycans
3.) The Uninvited
2.) Armored
And the best So-So Movie of 2009 is…
1.) Whip It –“I like smart girls. That's why I married your mama. Well, that and I knocked her up.”
The Ugly
26.) Phoebe in Wonderland
25.) Paper Heart
24.) The Soloist
23.) The Education of Charlie Banks
22,) Friday the 13th
21.) Ice Age 3
20.) Sorority Row
19.) Ghosts of Girlfriends Past
18.) Obsessed
17.) The Soloist
16.) My Bloody Valentine
15.) All About Steve
14.) The Goods
13.) Fame
12.) Race to Witch Mountain
11.) Bride Wars
10.) The Brothers Bloom
9.) G.I. Joe
8.) The Unborn
7.) Fighting
6.) Year One
5.) Drag Me To Hell
4.) Jennifer’s Body
3.) Observe & Report
2.) Bruno
And the worst movie of 2009 is…
1.) Dance Flick-“You just mispronounced that word to make it sound like it had an I in it.”
Not to worry though because I have come up with a really good stalling tactic. I am going to post a list of...wait for it...all the movies....from 2009....from best to worst!! Wow! That is even BETTER than all my movie reviews I've done so far!
So here it is...
2009 Best and Worst Movies
The Good
27.) A Perfect Getaway
26.) Julie and Julia
25.) The Proposal
24.) Earth
23.) Confessions of a Shopaholic
22.) Alvin and the Chipmunks 2: The Squeakqel
21.) Adam
20.) Sunshine Cleaning
19.) The Time Traveler’s Wife
18.) Away We Go
17.) Crossing Over
16.) Push
15.) Taken
14.) The Blindside
13.) Terminator Salvation
12.) X-Men Origins: Wolverine
11.) Gamer
10.) Law Abiding Citizen
9.) Star Trek
8.) Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince
7.) Avatar 3D
6.) Up
5.) The Ugly Truth
4.) 17 Again
3.) Zombieland
2.) The Hangover
And the best movie of 2009 is…
1.) Inglourious Basterds- say Auf Wiedersehen to your Nazi balls!
The So-So
27.) Hannah Montana: The Movie
26.) Inkheart
25.) Knowing
24.) 9
23.) Fast and Furious
22.) New In Town
21.) Land of the Lost
20.) The Taking of Pelham 123
19.) Saw 6
18.) 12 Rounds
17.) Couples Retreat
16.) Men Who Stare at Goats
15.) Adventureland
14.) Hotel For Dogs
13.) I Love You Man
12.) The Last House on the Left
11.) 500 Days of Summer
10.) Orphan
9.) State of Play
8.) My Sister’s Keeper
7.) Funny People
6.) He’s Just Not That Into You
5.) Transformers 2: Revenge of the Fallen
4.) Underworld: Rise of the Lycans
3.) The Uninvited
2.) Armored
And the best So-So Movie of 2009 is…
1.) Whip It –“I like smart girls. That's why I married your mama. Well, that and I knocked her up.”
The Ugly
26.) Phoebe in Wonderland
25.) Paper Heart
24.) The Soloist
23.) The Education of Charlie Banks
22,) Friday the 13th
21.) Ice Age 3
20.) Sorority Row
19.) Ghosts of Girlfriends Past
18.) Obsessed
17.) The Soloist
16.) My Bloody Valentine
15.) All About Steve
14.) The Goods
13.) Fame
12.) Race to Witch Mountain
11.) Bride Wars
10.) The Brothers Bloom
9.) G.I. Joe
8.) The Unborn
7.) Fighting
6.) Year One
5.) Drag Me To Hell
4.) Jennifer’s Body
3.) Observe & Report
2.) Bruno
And the worst movie of 2009 is…
1.) Dance Flick-“You just mispronounced that word to make it sound like it had an I in it.”
Tuesday, January 5, 2010
52nd Worst Movie: Johnson Family Vacation
“Johnson Family Vacation” Starring Cedric the Entertainer, Steve Harvey and Vanessa Williams
Directed by Christopher Erskin
Johnson Family Lamecation
By Michele Dillon
What good could come out of making a movie about two brothers who spend their time trying to win the Family of the Year award at their annual family reunion? That is about the lamest plot I have ever heard of. ¾ of the movie is spent on the road trip over to the reunion and the other ¼ of it is spent with Cedric and Harvey, playing brothers, fighting about who is better. I don’t know if I get these kinds of movies. It seems like there are some people out there who would think that this is funny but I was highly NOT entertained by “The Entertainer”.
Of course, Cedric also had to pull a, what I like to call, “Eddie Murphy” (it is where you play more than one part in the movie but you dress up in fat suits or change the look of your face). The “Eddie Murphy” is not exactly a good tactic, sure it worked in Bowfinger, but other than that, every movie he has made where he has played more than one character has failed. Why do these actors put themselves through this kind of misery? Or maybe it is really fun for them so they do not see how horrible it is until it is too late and the repercussions that is this movie is staring them right in the face. Who knows why they feel the need to torture me…
So anyway, usually you can tell how much I hated the movie by either the review being really short because I have nothing to really say about it, or it is super long because of all the bad stuff I have to say about it. It is only really safe to assume that if it is a medium review then I must like it, but there is always the possibility that I don’t like it as well. So really, there is no correlation between the length of my reviews and whether or not I like them, why did you even bring it up?
Directed by Christopher Erskin
Johnson Family Lamecation
By Michele Dillon
What good could come out of making a movie about two brothers who spend their time trying to win the Family of the Year award at their annual family reunion? That is about the lamest plot I have ever heard of. ¾ of the movie is spent on the road trip over to the reunion and the other ¼ of it is spent with Cedric and Harvey, playing brothers, fighting about who is better. I don’t know if I get these kinds of movies. It seems like there are some people out there who would think that this is funny but I was highly NOT entertained by “The Entertainer”.
Of course, Cedric also had to pull a, what I like to call, “Eddie Murphy” (it is where you play more than one part in the movie but you dress up in fat suits or change the look of your face). The “Eddie Murphy” is not exactly a good tactic, sure it worked in Bowfinger, but other than that, every movie he has made where he has played more than one character has failed. Why do these actors put themselves through this kind of misery? Or maybe it is really fun for them so they do not see how horrible it is until it is too late and the repercussions that is this movie is staring them right in the face. Who knows why they feel the need to torture me…
So anyway, usually you can tell how much I hated the movie by either the review being really short because I have nothing to really say about it, or it is super long because of all the bad stuff I have to say about it. It is only really safe to assume that if it is a medium review then I must like it, but there is always the possibility that I don’t like it as well. So really, there is no correlation between the length of my reviews and whether or not I like them, why did you even bring it up?
Monday, January 4, 2010
53rd Worst Movie: Yours, Mine and Ours
“Yours, Mine and Ours” Starring Dennis Quaid, Rene Russo and Sean Faris
Directed by Raja Gosnell
These Kids Are Definitely Yours
By Michele Dillon
I know kids are bad, but this movie made them seem selfish and horrible. The movie is about two old high school sweethearts who meet each other again a few decades down the road. The woman has 10 kids and the man has 8 kids. They decide to get married right off the bat so the kids have to live together and they hate it. They plot together to ruin their parents relationship just so they don’t have to live with each other. A few things they do are; ruining their mom’s working space right when she had to make a bunch of purses on a time budget, possibly making her lose the job, just because they knew it would piss her off and make her get into a fight with the dad and they also threw a party and blamed it on the fact that their mom said they could have a few friends over so it would start another fight. I sure hope that if I ever have kids that they wouldn’t be as self-centered and rude as that just to get what they want. The worst part of it all is that during this “working together” to break their parents up, they were getting along and they were too stupid to notice that they didn’t want to not live with each other anymore so they continued to try to break the parents up. I am sure the script writer was doing this to be a “I told you so” kind of thing but it made the kids look like they all got dropped on their heads when they were younger.
Another thing that didn’t make sense was that the parents actually fell for all this stuff instead of just talking to each other to see if they actually did it or if it was the kids. That’s what you get when you marry someone about a day after you meet them and don’t even know what it is like to live with them let alone their kids. The movie just seemed like it was implausible that the situation could even happen. I can’t really make fun of the acting because they were kids and I even feel bad making fun of this movie because it was made for kids so I guess I will just stop there.
Directed by Raja Gosnell
These Kids Are Definitely Yours
By Michele Dillon
I know kids are bad, but this movie made them seem selfish and horrible. The movie is about two old high school sweethearts who meet each other again a few decades down the road. The woman has 10 kids and the man has 8 kids. They decide to get married right off the bat so the kids have to live together and they hate it. They plot together to ruin their parents relationship just so they don’t have to live with each other. A few things they do are; ruining their mom’s working space right when she had to make a bunch of purses on a time budget, possibly making her lose the job, just because they knew it would piss her off and make her get into a fight with the dad and they also threw a party and blamed it on the fact that their mom said they could have a few friends over so it would start another fight. I sure hope that if I ever have kids that they wouldn’t be as self-centered and rude as that just to get what they want. The worst part of it all is that during this “working together” to break their parents up, they were getting along and they were too stupid to notice that they didn’t want to not live with each other anymore so they continued to try to break the parents up. I am sure the script writer was doing this to be a “I told you so” kind of thing but it made the kids look like they all got dropped on their heads when they were younger.
Another thing that didn’t make sense was that the parents actually fell for all this stuff instead of just talking to each other to see if they actually did it or if it was the kids. That’s what you get when you marry someone about a day after you meet them and don’t even know what it is like to live with them let alone their kids. The movie just seemed like it was implausible that the situation could even happen. I can’t really make fun of the acting because they were kids and I even feel bad making fun of this movie because it was made for kids so I guess I will just stop there.
54th Worst Movie: Envy
“Envy” Starring Ben Stiller, Jack Black and Amy Poehler
Directed by Barry Levinson
I Envy Your Eyeballs… (Because They Did Not Watch This Movie)
By Michele Dillon
Ben Stiller, yes you are amazing, I still stick by that Zoolander is possibly one of the funniest movies ever. Jack Black, I never really liked you, I think that you actually purposefully pick bad movies because you have nothing else better to do with your time. Together, amazing and bad, you have created something that was probably not even considered possible…atrocious. Yes, the atrocious actor, AA if you will. Oh AA, you know no boundaries, you see no horizon, and you continue to disappoint viewers all over the world, which is your destiny. You have so completed your destiny through this movie, and may therefore dismiss yourself from further duties…please…do not make a movie again together…it is not necessary…we will forgive you…in fact we will thank you.
If I hadn’t made myself clear in the previous paragraph, this movie was not good. The basic premise was Jack Black’s character came up with the idea of making poop disappear so you wouldn’t have to use doggie bags anymore, he offered to have his friend Ben Stiller’s character get in on the action with him. Stiller thought it was a horrible idea so he declined. It ends up that the idea works and Black becomes really rich. So for most of the movie Stiller is sitting there being envious of his friend because he could have cashed on the riches too but now it is too late. Stiller’s wife also resents him the entire movie because she wants to be rich too, which I think is a blatant reason for Stiller to divorce her because she is obviously shallow and stupid, but he doesn’t and they live in agony together until….well, I don’t want to ruin this fantastic movie for you, so you will just have to see for yourself if you are really that interested. Believe me, you are not that interested.
Directed by Barry Levinson
I Envy Your Eyeballs… (Because They Did Not Watch This Movie)
By Michele Dillon
Ben Stiller, yes you are amazing, I still stick by that Zoolander is possibly one of the funniest movies ever. Jack Black, I never really liked you, I think that you actually purposefully pick bad movies because you have nothing else better to do with your time. Together, amazing and bad, you have created something that was probably not even considered possible…atrocious. Yes, the atrocious actor, AA if you will. Oh AA, you know no boundaries, you see no horizon, and you continue to disappoint viewers all over the world, which is your destiny. You have so completed your destiny through this movie, and may therefore dismiss yourself from further duties…please…do not make a movie again together…it is not necessary…we will forgive you…in fact we will thank you.
If I hadn’t made myself clear in the previous paragraph, this movie was not good. The basic premise was Jack Black’s character came up with the idea of making poop disappear so you wouldn’t have to use doggie bags anymore, he offered to have his friend Ben Stiller’s character get in on the action with him. Stiller thought it was a horrible idea so he declined. It ends up that the idea works and Black becomes really rich. So for most of the movie Stiller is sitting there being envious of his friend because he could have cashed on the riches too but now it is too late. Stiller’s wife also resents him the entire movie because she wants to be rich too, which I think is a blatant reason for Stiller to divorce her because she is obviously shallow and stupid, but he doesn’t and they live in agony together until….well, I don’t want to ruin this fantastic movie for you, so you will just have to see for yourself if you are really that interested. Believe me, you are not that interested.
55th Worst Movie: Gigli
“Gigli” Starring Ben Affleck, Jennifer Lopez and Justin Bartha
Directed by Martin Brest
Really?
By Michele Dillon
Those of you who have not seen this movie, this headline probably isn’t that funny. So for the purpose of making you laugh with me instead of at me, I will explain: Ben Affleck explains to people when they mispronounce his name that it rhymes with really. However, I am using the word really in the sense of: Really? Did you really make this movie? Just so you know, it always creates a bigger laugh if you have to explain your jokes…it’s been proven…
Yes, this movie REALLY is as bad as everyone says it is. It lives up to those expectations brilliantly. I am not even sure if I can write a premise on this movie because it was kind of pointless so I am not sure where they were trying to even go with it but I will make my attempt. Ok, so Affleck is supposed to be playing a “tough guy” working for a mobster where his job is to basically collect money that is owed to his employer and/or anything else that the mobster/gangster may need. In the case of this movie Affleck’s employer needs him to kidnap a mentally challenged kid (who is the brother of a court official) and then watch over him until is needed. Affleck’s employer doesn’t trust him to be able to do the job right so he hires another employee to watch over him, Lopez. Which right there, is the dumbest thing ever, why not just fire Affleck and then hire Lopez if he doesn’t trust him to do the job right? But of course, that would make it so Affleck and Lopez couldn’t have a love/hate relationship the entire movie. But oh wait, I left an important part out, Lopez’s character is a lesbian so she isn’t even attracted to Affleck at all but somehow, magically ¾ through the movie, she decides to have sex with him, but don’t get her wrong, she is still lesbian, she just wanted to “scratch her itch” apparently. So this movie ends up being a half love story/half lesbian changeover/whole really bad movie.
There is actually a whole scene dedicated to Lopez doing Yoga because it is supposed to be all sexual, but the monologue she has during the scene is a complete snore fest which leads me to believe they didn’t really think anybody would be listening to her words, which is probably true but I am not a guy, nor lesbian, nor am I a fan of Jennifer Lopez so it didn’t work on me.
I really don’t even see what the potential in this movie could have been in order for anyone to agree to produce and direct it or even write it, or to not even be embarrassed for presenting it as something that you wrote…anyway, I am glad that one is over with.
Directed by Martin Brest
Really?
By Michele Dillon
Those of you who have not seen this movie, this headline probably isn’t that funny. So for the purpose of making you laugh with me instead of at me, I will explain: Ben Affleck explains to people when they mispronounce his name that it rhymes with really. However, I am using the word really in the sense of: Really? Did you really make this movie? Just so you know, it always creates a bigger laugh if you have to explain your jokes…it’s been proven…
Yes, this movie REALLY is as bad as everyone says it is. It lives up to those expectations brilliantly. I am not even sure if I can write a premise on this movie because it was kind of pointless so I am not sure where they were trying to even go with it but I will make my attempt. Ok, so Affleck is supposed to be playing a “tough guy” working for a mobster where his job is to basically collect money that is owed to his employer and/or anything else that the mobster/gangster may need. In the case of this movie Affleck’s employer needs him to kidnap a mentally challenged kid (who is the brother of a court official) and then watch over him until is needed. Affleck’s employer doesn’t trust him to be able to do the job right so he hires another employee to watch over him, Lopez. Which right there, is the dumbest thing ever, why not just fire Affleck and then hire Lopez if he doesn’t trust him to do the job right? But of course, that would make it so Affleck and Lopez couldn’t have a love/hate relationship the entire movie. But oh wait, I left an important part out, Lopez’s character is a lesbian so she isn’t even attracted to Affleck at all but somehow, magically ¾ through the movie, she decides to have sex with him, but don’t get her wrong, she is still lesbian, she just wanted to “scratch her itch” apparently. So this movie ends up being a half love story/half lesbian changeover/whole really bad movie.
There is actually a whole scene dedicated to Lopez doing Yoga because it is supposed to be all sexual, but the monologue she has during the scene is a complete snore fest which leads me to believe they didn’t really think anybody would be listening to her words, which is probably true but I am not a guy, nor lesbian, nor am I a fan of Jennifer Lopez so it didn’t work on me.
I really don’t even see what the potential in this movie could have been in order for anyone to agree to produce and direct it or even write it, or to not even be embarrassed for presenting it as something that you wrote…anyway, I am glad that one is over with.
56th Worst Movie: Doogal
“Doogal” Starring Jimmy Fallon, Daniel Tay and Jon Stewart
Directed by Dave Borthwick and Jean Duval
Dooglidedoo
By Michele Dillon
I’ve noticed that there have been a few kid movies on this list and I think it is a little unfair. If we are really taking into account all the kid movies that have been made, this entire list could be compiled of just that genre.
But for the sake of this venture and for this review I will try and think of a few things that would make this movie deserve to be on this list.
1.) The story was a little cheesy (but that is to be expected) and it didn’t really try to come up with an unpredictable plot. It was actually what I like to call a “plottable plot” (yes I know, I am a genius)
2.) I liked all of the characters voices except for the dog, Doogal, his voice was very annoying. It did not seem like it fit the animation of the dog. I don’t really know if that is just a personal preference type of thing and maybe I am the only one out there who will think that about this movie but hey, this is my review so who cares.
Yes, that is all I have to say about this movie. It wasn’t all that horrible. I know it seems like I say that a lot, but there are also a lot of times where I think it IS that horrible and I am sure you are getting sick of hearing of those too. I am getting a little of sick of writing of both of these types of movies, I feel like this is a long drawn out boring process. Although the idea of watching the 100 Worst movies sounded so good and awesome in my head, it really isn’t. I actually WATCH the movies; I don’t just put it on and listen to it in the background (except for the minor exception of Gods and Generals, but you understand that one). I don’t think that anyone appreciates how grueling this is…barely anyone even reads my reviews….I had to watch Yu Gi Oh! Do you know how horrible that movie is? Probably not, because you never agreed to watch movies just because they are known for being bad…you are not dumb…like me. Ok anyway, enough griping, I was just trying to fill up space since the actual “review” part of this movie wasn’t very long. :)
Directed by Dave Borthwick and Jean Duval
Dooglidedoo
By Michele Dillon
I’ve noticed that there have been a few kid movies on this list and I think it is a little unfair. If we are really taking into account all the kid movies that have been made, this entire list could be compiled of just that genre.
But for the sake of this venture and for this review I will try and think of a few things that would make this movie deserve to be on this list.
1.) The story was a little cheesy (but that is to be expected) and it didn’t really try to come up with an unpredictable plot. It was actually what I like to call a “plottable plot” (yes I know, I am a genius)
2.) I liked all of the characters voices except for the dog, Doogal, his voice was very annoying. It did not seem like it fit the animation of the dog. I don’t really know if that is just a personal preference type of thing and maybe I am the only one out there who will think that about this movie but hey, this is my review so who cares.
Yes, that is all I have to say about this movie. It wasn’t all that horrible. I know it seems like I say that a lot, but there are also a lot of times where I think it IS that horrible and I am sure you are getting sick of hearing of those too. I am getting a little of sick of writing of both of these types of movies, I feel like this is a long drawn out boring process. Although the idea of watching the 100 Worst movies sounded so good and awesome in my head, it really isn’t. I actually WATCH the movies; I don’t just put it on and listen to it in the background (except for the minor exception of Gods and Generals, but you understand that one). I don’t think that anyone appreciates how grueling this is…barely anyone even reads my reviews….I had to watch Yu Gi Oh! Do you know how horrible that movie is? Probably not, because you never agreed to watch movies just because they are known for being bad…you are not dumb…like me. Ok anyway, enough griping, I was just trying to fill up space since the actual “review” part of this movie wasn’t very long. :)
57th Worst Movie: I Still Know What You Did Last Summer
“I Still Know What You Did Last Summer” Starring Jennifer Love-Hewitt, Brandy Norwood and Freddie Prinze Jr.
Directed by Danny Cannon
I Really Really Still Know What You Did 5 Summers Ago
By Michele Dillon
“What do you want from me? Come on! Come and get me!” Those are the famous lines that are spoken in this movie by Love-Hewitt. And coincidentally (ahem, not), she also speaks those same words in the original I Know What You Did Last Summer. She is trying to antagonize the “slicker wearing killer” (aka: swk) to just get it over with and kill her or leave her alone. Anticipation, it is something that can make anyone rather be killed with a fish hook in the eye socket…
Now this is very serious business. It is very important to find out who this "swk" is. Is it the guy they thought they killed? But how is that possible? Is he invincible or what? Don’t be mistaken that this movie is supposed to be some kind of comedy because it is NOT funny, it is very serious (OK, maybe it’s a little funny).
I will say one thing about Jennifer’s dire situation however; she sure does know how to not button her shirt the whole way so her boobs are popping out while she is running around getting the crap scared out of her. I think it is pretty hilarious how directors/screen writers think that they have to put boobs somewhere in a horror movie. OK, fine, if that is the only way you think people are going to watch the movie, at least place it in the movie where it is going to make sense. Right before Jennifer has on her “half shirt”, she was wearing a bathing suit, if they wanted to have her shirt off; they could have just kept her in her bathing suit….but I guess that’s too logical though.
As far as horror movies go, you should know my stance, there really isn’t much to say about them. There are only a few horror movies out there that are deserving of having been made and the rest of them should just get canned for eternity, this being one of them.
Directed by Danny Cannon
I Really Really Still Know What You Did 5 Summers Ago
By Michele Dillon
“What do you want from me? Come on! Come and get me!” Those are the famous lines that are spoken in this movie by Love-Hewitt. And coincidentally (ahem, not), she also speaks those same words in the original I Know What You Did Last Summer. She is trying to antagonize the “slicker wearing killer” (aka: swk) to just get it over with and kill her or leave her alone. Anticipation, it is something that can make anyone rather be killed with a fish hook in the eye socket…
Now this is very serious business. It is very important to find out who this "swk" is. Is it the guy they thought they killed? But how is that possible? Is he invincible or what? Don’t be mistaken that this movie is supposed to be some kind of comedy because it is NOT funny, it is very serious (OK, maybe it’s a little funny).
I will say one thing about Jennifer’s dire situation however; she sure does know how to not button her shirt the whole way so her boobs are popping out while she is running around getting the crap scared out of her. I think it is pretty hilarious how directors/screen writers think that they have to put boobs somewhere in a horror movie. OK, fine, if that is the only way you think people are going to watch the movie, at least place it in the movie where it is going to make sense. Right before Jennifer has on her “half shirt”, she was wearing a bathing suit, if they wanted to have her shirt off; they could have just kept her in her bathing suit….but I guess that’s too logical though.
As far as horror movies go, you should know my stance, there really isn’t much to say about them. There are only a few horror movies out there that are deserving of having been made and the rest of them should just get canned for eternity, this being one of them.
58TH Worst Movie: The Order
“The Order” Starring Heath Ledger, Shannyn Sossamon and Benno Furmann
Directed by Brian Helgeland
My Order Is: Go To Sleep Instead Of Watching This Movie…
By Michele Dillon
….cause that is what I did. Or almost did anyway. Here is where my genius will be put into perspective, I am really not as smart as I say I am but I am pretty sure that no one else would have been able to understand this movie either. My NUMBER ONE biggest pet peeve when it comes to movies is where they start the movie out having the characters talking to each other in “inside joke” talk. Then, as the movie progresses, they randomly bring it up and KIND OF explain what that “inside joke” talk was about…and it’s not even that exciting! It just makes you completely confused at the start of the movie, which frankly, is not a good movie making tactic. You want to pull the viewers in, not make them feel like they are intruding on a secret conversation that makes absolutely no sense except to the person who wrote the movie. So that is the number one reason why this movie lost my attention. Number two was that the movie was about a priest who ends up falling in love with a girl and then abandoning his priesthood to be with her, which this plot line can only be pulled off with Edward Norton in “Keeping Faith”. So the long and short of it is, well really the short of it is, this movie was not worth my time or consideration or the brain work used to try and understand it.
Directed by Brian Helgeland
My Order Is: Go To Sleep Instead Of Watching This Movie…
By Michele Dillon
….cause that is what I did. Or almost did anyway. Here is where my genius will be put into perspective, I am really not as smart as I say I am but I am pretty sure that no one else would have been able to understand this movie either. My NUMBER ONE biggest pet peeve when it comes to movies is where they start the movie out having the characters talking to each other in “inside joke” talk. Then, as the movie progresses, they randomly bring it up and KIND OF explain what that “inside joke” talk was about…and it’s not even that exciting! It just makes you completely confused at the start of the movie, which frankly, is not a good movie making tactic. You want to pull the viewers in, not make them feel like they are intruding on a secret conversation that makes absolutely no sense except to the person who wrote the movie. So that is the number one reason why this movie lost my attention. Number two was that the movie was about a priest who ends up falling in love with a girl and then abandoning his priesthood to be with her, which this plot line can only be pulled off with Edward Norton in “Keeping Faith”. So the long and short of it is, well really the short of it is, this movie was not worth my time or consideration or the brain work used to try and understand it.
59th Worst Movie: Gray Matters
“Gray Matters” Starring Heather Graham, Bridget Moynahan and Tom Cavanagh
Directed by Sue Kramer
Gay Matters
By Michele Dillon
Predictable: the one word that can describe this movie in a nutshell. I was able to predict almost every scene in this movie. There was actually one part where 20 minutes before it happened, I turned to my fiancé and said, just watch this is going to happen and then when it came to the scene I thought it was going to occur, I was able to pinpoint the exact moment that it was going to take place. It was so uncanny, he swore that I had already watched the movie, but I hadn’t, I would have remembered such a horrible movie. If I ever make movies (in my dreams), that would be the one thing that I would absolutely hate for someone to say about my movie because if the movie is predictable, then what is the point of watching it?
So anyway, if you would like to hear what the movie is actually about, no my headline was not making fun of gays, the movie is actually about Heather Graham and how she takes her brother’s soon to be wife out for her bachelorette party and they get so drunk that they accidentally kiss…hey it happens, but for Graham, she realizes that she is gay….yup. So the rest of the movie is basically about her being in love with her brothers now wife and how she is trying to deny that she is gay.
Not only did the movie have a bad plot and bad acting, it was just filmed very weird. It was all fuzzy like it was filmed on a home video camera, which hey, it might have been. I am also pretty sick of Graham making movies; I would say that she and Scarlet Johannsen are right up there on the list of the WORST actresses in the world. They are absolutely horrible; I have never seen them do a good job in a movie they have been in. I used to make jokes with my sister that kind of like her character in Bowfinger; she probably sleeps with people just to get roles. I would not completely rule it out.
So that is really all the time I will waste on this one…
Directed by Sue Kramer
Gay Matters
By Michele Dillon
Predictable: the one word that can describe this movie in a nutshell. I was able to predict almost every scene in this movie. There was actually one part where 20 minutes before it happened, I turned to my fiancé and said, just watch this is going to happen and then when it came to the scene I thought it was going to occur, I was able to pinpoint the exact moment that it was going to take place. It was so uncanny, he swore that I had already watched the movie, but I hadn’t, I would have remembered such a horrible movie. If I ever make movies (in my dreams), that would be the one thing that I would absolutely hate for someone to say about my movie because if the movie is predictable, then what is the point of watching it?
So anyway, if you would like to hear what the movie is actually about, no my headline was not making fun of gays, the movie is actually about Heather Graham and how she takes her brother’s soon to be wife out for her bachelorette party and they get so drunk that they accidentally kiss…hey it happens, but for Graham, she realizes that she is gay….yup. So the rest of the movie is basically about her being in love with her brothers now wife and how she is trying to deny that she is gay.
Not only did the movie have a bad plot and bad acting, it was just filmed very weird. It was all fuzzy like it was filmed on a home video camera, which hey, it might have been. I am also pretty sick of Graham making movies; I would say that she and Scarlet Johannsen are right up there on the list of the WORST actresses in the world. They are absolutely horrible; I have never seen them do a good job in a movie they have been in. I used to make jokes with my sister that kind of like her character in Bowfinger; she probably sleeps with people just to get roles. I would not completely rule it out.
So that is really all the time I will waste on this one…
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