45th Worst Movie: Universal Soldier: The Return

“Universal Soldier: The Return” Starring Jean-Claude Van Damme, Xander Berkeley and Michael Jai White
Directed by Mic Rodgers

Why Exactly Did He Return?
By Michele Dillon

As if any movie that has Jean-Claude Van Damme in it could be good, it will come as no surprise to you that this movie did not stop that cycle. Does anyone else hate the types of jeans he wears? I find them very disgusting and offensive…I really don’t want to see Jean-Claude Van Damme’s body shape that well…I still can’t wrap my mind around the fact that this guy was a sex symbol…PUKE!

So if it helps you enjoy this it all, please read the review in a French accent. To assist with this, I will try to write it the way you should sound. Dis movie vas avout ‘ow unibersal soldzers (dead guys brought back to life to be army killing machines) turn on their makiers. Obbvossly, vis did not turn out vell.

It’s hard to believe, but that is actually really hard to do so I will continue in my really boring English accent (no, not British, I am not that cool). So after the universal soldiers turn on their makers, it is up to Jean-Claude Van Damme to make sure that the leader doesn’t get a hold of a secret code that only he knows that could either make the leader die or if he discovered it, could make him live forever…muhahahahahha!! Sorry, got carried away there…I think that it is OK to say this without it being a spoiler but once again, happy ending and the stinking dead guys/robots do not live forever and humans are back to being smarter than them...which I am not sure is all entirely true because I don’t think that a robot would have made a movie this dumb…but I am a human so I shouldn’t be racist against myself and just accept the fact that there are some really stupid people out there and I am obviously not one of the them.

What else can I say? Except that maybe Jean-Claude Van Damme should definitely get new pants…hello! We are in a new millennium here Jean…figure it out…