“Envy” Starring Ben Stiller, Jack Black and Amy Poehler
Directed by Barry Levinson
I Envy Your Eyeballs… (Because They Did Not Watch This Movie)
By Michele Dillon
Ben Stiller, yes you are amazing, I still stick by that Zoolander is possibly one of the funniest movies ever. Jack Black, I never really liked you, I think that you actually purposefully pick bad movies because you have nothing else better to do with your time. Together, amazing and bad, you have created something that was probably not even considered possible…atrocious. Yes, the atrocious actor, AA if you will. Oh AA, you know no boundaries, you see no horizon, and you continue to disappoint viewers all over the world, which is your destiny. You have so completed your destiny through this movie, and may therefore dismiss yourself from further duties…please…do not make a movie again together…it is not necessary…we will forgive you…in fact we will thank you.
If I hadn’t made myself clear in the previous paragraph, this movie was not good. The basic premise was Jack Black’s character came up with the idea of making poop disappear so you wouldn’t have to use doggie bags anymore, he offered to have his friend Ben Stiller’s character get in on the action with him. Stiller thought it was a horrible idea so he declined. It ends up that the idea works and Black becomes really rich. So for most of the movie Stiller is sitting there being envious of his friend because he could have cashed on the riches too but now it is too late. Stiller’s wife also resents him the entire movie because she wants to be rich too, which I think is a blatant reason for Stiller to divorce her because she is obviously shallow and stupid, but he doesn’t and they live in agony together until….well, I don’t want to ruin this fantastic movie for you, so you will just have to see for yourself if you are really that interested. Believe me, you are not that interested.
Monday, January 4, 2010
55th Worst Movie: Gigli
“Gigli” Starring Ben Affleck, Jennifer Lopez and Justin Bartha
Directed by Martin Brest
Really?
By Michele Dillon
Those of you who have not seen this movie, this headline probably isn’t that funny. So for the purpose of making you laugh with me instead of at me, I will explain: Ben Affleck explains to people when they mispronounce his name that it rhymes with really. However, I am using the word really in the sense of: Really? Did you really make this movie? Just so you know, it always creates a bigger laugh if you have to explain your jokes…it’s been proven…
Yes, this movie REALLY is as bad as everyone says it is. It lives up to those expectations brilliantly. I am not even sure if I can write a premise on this movie because it was kind of pointless so I am not sure where they were trying to even go with it but I will make my attempt. Ok, so Affleck is supposed to be playing a “tough guy” working for a mobster where his job is to basically collect money that is owed to his employer and/or anything else that the mobster/gangster may need. In the case of this movie Affleck’s employer needs him to kidnap a mentally challenged kid (who is the brother of a court official) and then watch over him until is needed. Affleck’s employer doesn’t trust him to be able to do the job right so he hires another employee to watch over him, Lopez. Which right there, is the dumbest thing ever, why not just fire Affleck and then hire Lopez if he doesn’t trust him to do the job right? But of course, that would make it so Affleck and Lopez couldn’t have a love/hate relationship the entire movie. But oh wait, I left an important part out, Lopez’s character is a lesbian so she isn’t even attracted to Affleck at all but somehow, magically ¾ through the movie, she decides to have sex with him, but don’t get her wrong, she is still lesbian, she just wanted to “scratch her itch” apparently. So this movie ends up being a half love story/half lesbian changeover/whole really bad movie.
There is actually a whole scene dedicated to Lopez doing Yoga because it is supposed to be all sexual, but the monologue she has during the scene is a complete snore fest which leads me to believe they didn’t really think anybody would be listening to her words, which is probably true but I am not a guy, nor lesbian, nor am I a fan of Jennifer Lopez so it didn’t work on me.
I really don’t even see what the potential in this movie could have been in order for anyone to agree to produce and direct it or even write it, or to not even be embarrassed for presenting it as something that you wrote…anyway, I am glad that one is over with.
Directed by Martin Brest
Really?
By Michele Dillon
Those of you who have not seen this movie, this headline probably isn’t that funny. So for the purpose of making you laugh with me instead of at me, I will explain: Ben Affleck explains to people when they mispronounce his name that it rhymes with really. However, I am using the word really in the sense of: Really? Did you really make this movie? Just so you know, it always creates a bigger laugh if you have to explain your jokes…it’s been proven…
Yes, this movie REALLY is as bad as everyone says it is. It lives up to those expectations brilliantly. I am not even sure if I can write a premise on this movie because it was kind of pointless so I am not sure where they were trying to even go with it but I will make my attempt. Ok, so Affleck is supposed to be playing a “tough guy” working for a mobster where his job is to basically collect money that is owed to his employer and/or anything else that the mobster/gangster may need. In the case of this movie Affleck’s employer needs him to kidnap a mentally challenged kid (who is the brother of a court official) and then watch over him until is needed. Affleck’s employer doesn’t trust him to be able to do the job right so he hires another employee to watch over him, Lopez. Which right there, is the dumbest thing ever, why not just fire Affleck and then hire Lopez if he doesn’t trust him to do the job right? But of course, that would make it so Affleck and Lopez couldn’t have a love/hate relationship the entire movie. But oh wait, I left an important part out, Lopez’s character is a lesbian so she isn’t even attracted to Affleck at all but somehow, magically ¾ through the movie, she decides to have sex with him, but don’t get her wrong, she is still lesbian, she just wanted to “scratch her itch” apparently. So this movie ends up being a half love story/half lesbian changeover/whole really bad movie.
There is actually a whole scene dedicated to Lopez doing Yoga because it is supposed to be all sexual, but the monologue she has during the scene is a complete snore fest which leads me to believe they didn’t really think anybody would be listening to her words, which is probably true but I am not a guy, nor lesbian, nor am I a fan of Jennifer Lopez so it didn’t work on me.
I really don’t even see what the potential in this movie could have been in order for anyone to agree to produce and direct it or even write it, or to not even be embarrassed for presenting it as something that you wrote…anyway, I am glad that one is over with.
56th Worst Movie: Doogal
“Doogal” Starring Jimmy Fallon, Daniel Tay and Jon Stewart
Directed by Dave Borthwick and Jean Duval
Dooglidedoo
By Michele Dillon
I’ve noticed that there have been a few kid movies on this list and I think it is a little unfair. If we are really taking into account all the kid movies that have been made, this entire list could be compiled of just that genre.
But for the sake of this venture and for this review I will try and think of a few things that would make this movie deserve to be on this list.
1.) The story was a little cheesy (but that is to be expected) and it didn’t really try to come up with an unpredictable plot. It was actually what I like to call a “plottable plot” (yes I know, I am a genius)
2.) I liked all of the characters voices except for the dog, Doogal, his voice was very annoying. It did not seem like it fit the animation of the dog. I don’t really know if that is just a personal preference type of thing and maybe I am the only one out there who will think that about this movie but hey, this is my review so who cares.
Yes, that is all I have to say about this movie. It wasn’t all that horrible. I know it seems like I say that a lot, but there are also a lot of times where I think it IS that horrible and I am sure you are getting sick of hearing of those too. I am getting a little of sick of writing of both of these types of movies, I feel like this is a long drawn out boring process. Although the idea of watching the 100 Worst movies sounded so good and awesome in my head, it really isn’t. I actually WATCH the movies; I don’t just put it on and listen to it in the background (except for the minor exception of Gods and Generals, but you understand that one). I don’t think that anyone appreciates how grueling this is…barely anyone even reads my reviews….I had to watch Yu Gi Oh! Do you know how horrible that movie is? Probably not, because you never agreed to watch movies just because they are known for being bad…you are not dumb…like me. Ok anyway, enough griping, I was just trying to fill up space since the actual “review” part of this movie wasn’t very long. :)
Directed by Dave Borthwick and Jean Duval
Dooglidedoo
By Michele Dillon
I’ve noticed that there have been a few kid movies on this list and I think it is a little unfair. If we are really taking into account all the kid movies that have been made, this entire list could be compiled of just that genre.
But for the sake of this venture and for this review I will try and think of a few things that would make this movie deserve to be on this list.
1.) The story was a little cheesy (but that is to be expected) and it didn’t really try to come up with an unpredictable plot. It was actually what I like to call a “plottable plot” (yes I know, I am a genius)
2.) I liked all of the characters voices except for the dog, Doogal, his voice was very annoying. It did not seem like it fit the animation of the dog. I don’t really know if that is just a personal preference type of thing and maybe I am the only one out there who will think that about this movie but hey, this is my review so who cares.
Yes, that is all I have to say about this movie. It wasn’t all that horrible. I know it seems like I say that a lot, but there are also a lot of times where I think it IS that horrible and I am sure you are getting sick of hearing of those too. I am getting a little of sick of writing of both of these types of movies, I feel like this is a long drawn out boring process. Although the idea of watching the 100 Worst movies sounded so good and awesome in my head, it really isn’t. I actually WATCH the movies; I don’t just put it on and listen to it in the background (except for the minor exception of Gods and Generals, but you understand that one). I don’t think that anyone appreciates how grueling this is…barely anyone even reads my reviews….I had to watch Yu Gi Oh! Do you know how horrible that movie is? Probably not, because you never agreed to watch movies just because they are known for being bad…you are not dumb…like me. Ok anyway, enough griping, I was just trying to fill up space since the actual “review” part of this movie wasn’t very long. :)
57th Worst Movie: I Still Know What You Did Last Summer
“I Still Know What You Did Last Summer” Starring Jennifer Love-Hewitt, Brandy Norwood and Freddie Prinze Jr.
Directed by Danny Cannon
I Really Really Still Know What You Did 5 Summers Ago
By Michele Dillon
“What do you want from me? Come on! Come and get me!” Those are the famous lines that are spoken in this movie by Love-Hewitt. And coincidentally (ahem, not), she also speaks those same words in the original I Know What You Did Last Summer. She is trying to antagonize the “slicker wearing killer” (aka: swk) to just get it over with and kill her or leave her alone. Anticipation, it is something that can make anyone rather be killed with a fish hook in the eye socket…
Now this is very serious business. It is very important to find out who this "swk" is. Is it the guy they thought they killed? But how is that possible? Is he invincible or what? Don’t be mistaken that this movie is supposed to be some kind of comedy because it is NOT funny, it is very serious (OK, maybe it’s a little funny).
I will say one thing about Jennifer’s dire situation however; she sure does know how to not button her shirt the whole way so her boobs are popping out while she is running around getting the crap scared out of her. I think it is pretty hilarious how directors/screen writers think that they have to put boobs somewhere in a horror movie. OK, fine, if that is the only way you think people are going to watch the movie, at least place it in the movie where it is going to make sense. Right before Jennifer has on her “half shirt”, she was wearing a bathing suit, if they wanted to have her shirt off; they could have just kept her in her bathing suit….but I guess that’s too logical though.
As far as horror movies go, you should know my stance, there really isn’t much to say about them. There are only a few horror movies out there that are deserving of having been made and the rest of them should just get canned for eternity, this being one of them.
Directed by Danny Cannon
I Really Really Still Know What You Did 5 Summers Ago
By Michele Dillon
“What do you want from me? Come on! Come and get me!” Those are the famous lines that are spoken in this movie by Love-Hewitt. And coincidentally (ahem, not), she also speaks those same words in the original I Know What You Did Last Summer. She is trying to antagonize the “slicker wearing killer” (aka: swk) to just get it over with and kill her or leave her alone. Anticipation, it is something that can make anyone rather be killed with a fish hook in the eye socket…
Now this is very serious business. It is very important to find out who this "swk" is. Is it the guy they thought they killed? But how is that possible? Is he invincible or what? Don’t be mistaken that this movie is supposed to be some kind of comedy because it is NOT funny, it is very serious (OK, maybe it’s a little funny).
I will say one thing about Jennifer’s dire situation however; she sure does know how to not button her shirt the whole way so her boobs are popping out while she is running around getting the crap scared out of her. I think it is pretty hilarious how directors/screen writers think that they have to put boobs somewhere in a horror movie. OK, fine, if that is the only way you think people are going to watch the movie, at least place it in the movie where it is going to make sense. Right before Jennifer has on her “half shirt”, she was wearing a bathing suit, if they wanted to have her shirt off; they could have just kept her in her bathing suit….but I guess that’s too logical though.
As far as horror movies go, you should know my stance, there really isn’t much to say about them. There are only a few horror movies out there that are deserving of having been made and the rest of them should just get canned for eternity, this being one of them.
58TH Worst Movie: The Order
“The Order” Starring Heath Ledger, Shannyn Sossamon and Benno Furmann
Directed by Brian Helgeland
My Order Is: Go To Sleep Instead Of Watching This Movie…
By Michele Dillon
….cause that is what I did. Or almost did anyway. Here is where my genius will be put into perspective, I am really not as smart as I say I am but I am pretty sure that no one else would have been able to understand this movie either. My NUMBER ONE biggest pet peeve when it comes to movies is where they start the movie out having the characters talking to each other in “inside joke” talk. Then, as the movie progresses, they randomly bring it up and KIND OF explain what that “inside joke” talk was about…and it’s not even that exciting! It just makes you completely confused at the start of the movie, which frankly, is not a good movie making tactic. You want to pull the viewers in, not make them feel like they are intruding on a secret conversation that makes absolutely no sense except to the person who wrote the movie. So that is the number one reason why this movie lost my attention. Number two was that the movie was about a priest who ends up falling in love with a girl and then abandoning his priesthood to be with her, which this plot line can only be pulled off with Edward Norton in “Keeping Faith”. So the long and short of it is, well really the short of it is, this movie was not worth my time or consideration or the brain work used to try and understand it.
Directed by Brian Helgeland
My Order Is: Go To Sleep Instead Of Watching This Movie…
By Michele Dillon
….cause that is what I did. Or almost did anyway. Here is where my genius will be put into perspective, I am really not as smart as I say I am but I am pretty sure that no one else would have been able to understand this movie either. My NUMBER ONE biggest pet peeve when it comes to movies is where they start the movie out having the characters talking to each other in “inside joke” talk. Then, as the movie progresses, they randomly bring it up and KIND OF explain what that “inside joke” talk was about…and it’s not even that exciting! It just makes you completely confused at the start of the movie, which frankly, is not a good movie making tactic. You want to pull the viewers in, not make them feel like they are intruding on a secret conversation that makes absolutely no sense except to the person who wrote the movie. So that is the number one reason why this movie lost my attention. Number two was that the movie was about a priest who ends up falling in love with a girl and then abandoning his priesthood to be with her, which this plot line can only be pulled off with Edward Norton in “Keeping Faith”. So the long and short of it is, well really the short of it is, this movie was not worth my time or consideration or the brain work used to try and understand it.
59th Worst Movie: Gray Matters
“Gray Matters” Starring Heather Graham, Bridget Moynahan and Tom Cavanagh
Directed by Sue Kramer
Gay Matters
By Michele Dillon
Predictable: the one word that can describe this movie in a nutshell. I was able to predict almost every scene in this movie. There was actually one part where 20 minutes before it happened, I turned to my fiancé and said, just watch this is going to happen and then when it came to the scene I thought it was going to occur, I was able to pinpoint the exact moment that it was going to take place. It was so uncanny, he swore that I had already watched the movie, but I hadn’t, I would have remembered such a horrible movie. If I ever make movies (in my dreams), that would be the one thing that I would absolutely hate for someone to say about my movie because if the movie is predictable, then what is the point of watching it?
So anyway, if you would like to hear what the movie is actually about, no my headline was not making fun of gays, the movie is actually about Heather Graham and how she takes her brother’s soon to be wife out for her bachelorette party and they get so drunk that they accidentally kiss…hey it happens, but for Graham, she realizes that she is gay….yup. So the rest of the movie is basically about her being in love with her brothers now wife and how she is trying to deny that she is gay.
Not only did the movie have a bad plot and bad acting, it was just filmed very weird. It was all fuzzy like it was filmed on a home video camera, which hey, it might have been. I am also pretty sick of Graham making movies; I would say that she and Scarlet Johannsen are right up there on the list of the WORST actresses in the world. They are absolutely horrible; I have never seen them do a good job in a movie they have been in. I used to make jokes with my sister that kind of like her character in Bowfinger; she probably sleeps with people just to get roles. I would not completely rule it out.
So that is really all the time I will waste on this one…
Directed by Sue Kramer
Gay Matters
By Michele Dillon
Predictable: the one word that can describe this movie in a nutshell. I was able to predict almost every scene in this movie. There was actually one part where 20 minutes before it happened, I turned to my fiancé and said, just watch this is going to happen and then when it came to the scene I thought it was going to occur, I was able to pinpoint the exact moment that it was going to take place. It was so uncanny, he swore that I had already watched the movie, but I hadn’t, I would have remembered such a horrible movie. If I ever make movies (in my dreams), that would be the one thing that I would absolutely hate for someone to say about my movie because if the movie is predictable, then what is the point of watching it?
So anyway, if you would like to hear what the movie is actually about, no my headline was not making fun of gays, the movie is actually about Heather Graham and how she takes her brother’s soon to be wife out for her bachelorette party and they get so drunk that they accidentally kiss…hey it happens, but for Graham, she realizes that she is gay….yup. So the rest of the movie is basically about her being in love with her brothers now wife and how she is trying to deny that she is gay.
Not only did the movie have a bad plot and bad acting, it was just filmed very weird. It was all fuzzy like it was filmed on a home video camera, which hey, it might have been. I am also pretty sick of Graham making movies; I would say that she and Scarlet Johannsen are right up there on the list of the WORST actresses in the world. They are absolutely horrible; I have never seen them do a good job in a movie they have been in. I used to make jokes with my sister that kind of like her character in Bowfinger; she probably sleeps with people just to get roles. I would not completely rule it out.
So that is really all the time I will waste on this one…
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
