“Ultraviolet” Starring Milla Jovovich, Cameron Bright and Nick Chinlund
Directed by Kurt Wimmer
Ultra-boring
By Michele Dillon
This movie managed to bore me, intellectually make me dumber, make me confused and make me wish I had nice abs; all at same the time. As far as CGI goes, this is also right in line with “Catwoman”, meaning that it sucked. Lets look at this analytically, since I am the one that writes these reviews and I can do whatever I want (unless of course anyone decides to read my reviews and advises me that I need to not do whatever I want, then I would do what I want but very STRONGLY think about what I would do if I didn’t do what I want).
First off, I don’t understand, and I’m pretty sure that I am one of the smartest people on earth, so I should understand, why Jovovich’s character was able to change the color of her clothes and her hair and store weapons inside of her body. Nowhere in the movie, did it attempt to explain, except for maybe a split second, why she was able to do this.
Second, the aforementioned CGI; the whole movie looked like a cartoon. On one hand, they could have purposefully done this because they wanted to make it look futuristic but on the other hand, I don’t care about that and I think that if you are going to make a movie that is set in the future, then you need to make it look as real as possible because when time continues and the years go by, the world isn’t going to start looking like a cartoon.
Third, Jovovich has abs that make me think that I look like a fat ass.
Fourth, this movie was written and directed by the same person. His last name isn’t Winner for a reason.
Fifth, sixth and seventh, I have no other points…I just wanted you to keep reading my review until you were as bored as I was by the end of this movie.
Eighth, I forgot, there was this one scene where Jovovich went to the top of a building to escape, but there were a bunch of guys up there trying to block her, so she killed them all, and instead of actually escaping by the roof like she originally intended, she went back down the stairs, so basically she killed all those people and didn’t even need to…she is going to hell.
Ninth, OK, that is really it.
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First, you are hilarious. Second, maybe that actress whose name I am unable to pronounce, had video enhancement done on her abs. Third, actresses can afford private nutritionist cooks, and trainers. Fourth, my overuse of sequence words are just as boring as my students overuse of them, but somehow, you seem to pull it off, while simultaneously giving my abs a work out from all my laughing.
ReplyDeleteI do not know who these actors are, nor have I heard of the movie, but I never don't want ever to never want to want to see it.
ReplyDeleteThanks mom. You always know how to make a girl feel like she shouldn't worry about her weight but at the same time contradict yourself by saying that you need an ab workout...:). Dad- I am sure you know who the girl is, you just have no recollection of her name. She was the girl with the crazy dyed hair in The Fifth Element.
ReplyDeleteHow come my comments don't show up anymore and I get redirected to an email? Is it a preapproval thing, if so, I am good with that.
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