“The Mod Squad” Starring Claire Danes, Giovanni Ribisi and Omar Epps
Directed by Scott Silver
The Moderately Ok
By Michele Dillon
I have to admit that I am not quite sure why this movie is so far down on the list and so close to being deemed as bad as BloodRayne! I will say that it is not nearly as bad as BloodRayne but cannot be taken off the list entirely…it should be correctly placed somewhere near Catwoman, which really…even though is much higher on the list, who wants to be next to Catwoman?
It seems like this same plotline comes back around about every 10 years but just slightly different. Three teens who are constantly getting into trouble, but are really good at getting away with it, get arrested by a cop who decides to give them a second chance…he hires them to be “undercover type” cops to try and get to a much bigger problem in the city. They have to do this for a certain amount of time and then there records will be expunged. What seems like an excellent and easy way to get out of jail for the three teens quickly turns into something bigger when their father figure cop gets murdered and it seems to be a cover up. So as to not divulge any further secrets of the movie, I will not describe the plot any further but will explain, in my opinion, that it was decent. Decent in the only way a movie on the worst list can be.
Claire Danes was a 90’s favorite teen actress but since has seemed to disappear from the map entirely. Which is a shame because she was just starting to get semi-good at the art of acting. Another 10 years on her belt and she might have even been considered a great actress. I could say that my love for Giovanni Ribisi made it easier to enjoy the movie, which could be true on some level but I also know that Giovanni is into scientology so a movie that is bad cannot be overlooked even though I think he is amazing. Omar Epps can just stop acting as of this moment for all I care because he has never made me believe his character in anything I’ve seen him in and it seems like he just plays the same one every time anyway…a dick.
So that pretty much sums up The Mod Squad…I just realized that I didn’t make any witty comments throughout the entire review…I must be losing my touch.
Monkey Balls!! (Was that better?)
Monday, July 12, 2010
Friday, June 25, 2010
31st Worst Movie: Soul Survivors
“Soul Survivors” Starring Melissa Sagemiller, Casey Affleck and Eliza Dushku
Directed by Stephen Carpenter
Right now I am only about 15 minutes into this movie and I am already asking myself, why the hell am I watching this? Also, another thought that is crossing my mind is that Eliza Dushku only plays stupid sluts in all her movies….but that’s another review all together (not to be completely ruled out to make fun of later in this review however).
I’m deciding whether or not I want to write a play by play assessment of this movie but it is so freaking boring that I don’t even know if I could write that much stuff about it other than 500 ways to say that “this is so dumb”.
Do you want to even know what this movie is about? Ok, I will tell you. It starts out with these weird guys in masks who are killing. Then it goes to these teenagers who are going off to college and they are partying on their last night. Then they are driving and I am sure they are drunk and they get into an accident and one of them dies and then from there the movie is just weird and I don’t even understand the point. The one thing that does stick out however, throughout the entire movie, Melissa’s character is running in every scene. And let me tell you, she does not run very well either. Kind of like a chicken with its head cut off. I didn’t start to notice it until about 30 minutes into the movie; otherwise I would have made a tally of how many times she ran. It wasn’t even at times she really needed to run. One scene, she is running to catch up with her friend after class (not necessary), another scene she is running for no apparent reason that I could even see (not necessary), and another scene she is running away from people chasing her (OK, I would say, that one was necessary). So really, this movie should have been called “Sole Survivors” cause I was so distracted by all the running that I didn’t even understand the ending…or is it that the ending just didn’t make sense? It could be either one or both…I guess we will never know.
Directed by Stephen Carpenter
Right now I am only about 15 minutes into this movie and I am already asking myself, why the hell am I watching this? Also, another thought that is crossing my mind is that Eliza Dushku only plays stupid sluts in all her movies….but that’s another review all together (not to be completely ruled out to make fun of later in this review however).
I’m deciding whether or not I want to write a play by play assessment of this movie but it is so freaking boring that I don’t even know if I could write that much stuff about it other than 500 ways to say that “this is so dumb”.
Do you want to even know what this movie is about? Ok, I will tell you. It starts out with these weird guys in masks who are killing. Then it goes to these teenagers who are going off to college and they are partying on their last night. Then they are driving and I am sure they are drunk and they get into an accident and one of them dies and then from there the movie is just weird and I don’t even understand the point. The one thing that does stick out however, throughout the entire movie, Melissa’s character is running in every scene. And let me tell you, she does not run very well either. Kind of like a chicken with its head cut off. I didn’t start to notice it until about 30 minutes into the movie; otherwise I would have made a tally of how many times she ran. It wasn’t even at times she really needed to run. One scene, she is running to catch up with her friend after class (not necessary), another scene she is running for no apparent reason that I could even see (not necessary), and another scene she is running away from people chasing her (OK, I would say, that one was necessary). So really, this movie should have been called “Sole Survivors” cause I was so distracted by all the running that I didn’t even understand the ending…or is it that the ending just didn’t make sense? It could be either one or both…I guess we will never know.
32nd Worst Movie: BloodRayne
“BloodRayne” Starring Kristanna Loken, Michael Madsen and Matthew Davis
Directed by Uwe Boll
Bloody Hell
By Michele Dillon
One word can be used to describe this movie…one word only….DISGUSTING!
Directed by Uwe Boll
Bloody Hell
By Michele Dillon
One word can be used to describe this movie…one word only….DISGUSTING!
Wednesday, June 23, 2010
33rd Worst Movie: Texas Rangers
“Texas Rangers” Starring James Van Der Beek, Rachael Leigh Cook and Ashton Kutcher
Directed by Steve Miner
Texas Whiners
By Michele Dillon
I thought that this movie might not be too bad because I really like Rachael Leigh Cook, however, come to find out, she was only in the movie for like 4 minutes total. And for the rest of the 86 minutes I had to watch Ashton Kutchur (before he discovered that he can act without shouting) and James Van Der Beek (which frankly, I will never understand how he became an actor…especially with that horrible hair) attempt to be believable as country men who become rangers (or cops on horses, if you will).
I don’t even want to attempt to explain the plot of this movie because there really wasn’t one. Other than shooting and missing shooting and than the person who was the worst shooter ends up being the best and taking over for the dying captain…or whatever. Bore fest! I want to be able to say that more than one of these movies don’t belong on this list, but so far I’ve only been able to name one (The Skulls). So since this movie was so boring I am just going to make a list of James Van Der Beek movies and than rate them cause that sounds more fun/interesting right now than talking about this movie (SHUT UP! I can do what I want!).
James Van Der Beek Movies
1.) Varsity Blues: 2/5
2.) Texas Rangers: 1/5
3.) The Rules of Attraction: 1/5
4.) How I Met Your Mother: 5/5 (Yes, not a movie…but I have to say this is the only thing I have seen him in where I thought he did a good job)
Directed by Steve Miner
Texas Whiners
By Michele Dillon
I thought that this movie might not be too bad because I really like Rachael Leigh Cook, however, come to find out, she was only in the movie for like 4 minutes total. And for the rest of the 86 minutes I had to watch Ashton Kutchur (before he discovered that he can act without shouting) and James Van Der Beek (which frankly, I will never understand how he became an actor…especially with that horrible hair) attempt to be believable as country men who become rangers (or cops on horses, if you will).
I don’t even want to attempt to explain the plot of this movie because there really wasn’t one. Other than shooting and missing shooting and than the person who was the worst shooter ends up being the best and taking over for the dying captain…or whatever. Bore fest! I want to be able to say that more than one of these movies don’t belong on this list, but so far I’ve only been able to name one (The Skulls). So since this movie was so boring I am just going to make a list of James Van Der Beek movies and than rate them cause that sounds more fun/interesting right now than talking about this movie (SHUT UP! I can do what I want!).
James Van Der Beek Movies
1.) Varsity Blues: 2/5
2.) Texas Rangers: 1/5
3.) The Rules of Attraction: 1/5
4.) How I Met Your Mother: 5/5 (Yes, not a movie…but I have to say this is the only thing I have seen him in where I thought he did a good job)
Tuesday, June 22, 2010
34th Worst Movie: Because I Said So
“Because I Said So” Starring Mandy Moore, Diane Keaton and Lauren Graham
Directed by Michael Lehmann
Because I Killed Myself
By Michele Dillon
(You guys may be wondering why there is a big blank space above this…it is because; as you can see from the title of this review…I killed myself. I was able to get my ghost to reincarnate herself into an animate object so she should type this portion (you may also be wondering why if its my ghost writing this, why is she taking in first person like its actually me…we will get to that later). So it is now, where I will tell you the story of why I killed myself. It should be pretty obvious if you have even attempted to watch this movie, I can’t think of anyone in their right mind who would ever voluntarily put themselves through watching this movie in full (well besides me of course). So in memory of myself, I am going to make one of my famous lists…
Lists Of Reasons Why I Felt The Need To Kill Myself (Even Though I Had A Really Good Long Life Ahead Of Me….And I Was Pretty Sure I Was Gonna Be Really Rich And Famous…And Pretty….Oooh, Oooh And Famous…Oh Wait I Already Said That)
1.) Diane Keaton’s voice and her constant complaining!
2.) Mandy Moore…that’s it…just Mandy Moore…does anyone really need a specific reason to not like Mandy Moore? (Just in case you do, I will give you one…she can’t act)
3.) The horrible….barf in my own mouth…script! I do not understand! How do these people look at these scripts and think “This will be an amazing movie! And you know what would make it even more amazing? If we casted horrible actors!”(Diana Keaton would probably be the only actress in this movie that is not horrible but just ended up doing a horrible job in the movie)
4.) The premise of the movie was about a mom who wanted to hook up her daughter with someone so she posted an ad online and behind the daughter’s back would hold the meetings with them and have them pretend to go meet her on accident…what kind of daughter loving mother would do that?! (Kind of like, what life loving bee would sting you? Which by the way, did you know that Wasps don’t die after they sting you? And they are the huge scary ones! What kind of stupid messed up sh** is that?)
5.) I could go on to write down every single director, producer, actor, co-producer, writer, co-writer of this movie but my ghost really does not have much more time left…a rhinoceros probably wasn’t the best thing to come back as…they have borderline ADD and I am really wondering how she was even able to type this with their gigantic feet/hands/paws…whatever you call them.
Oh and remember when I said I was going to tell you why if it’s my ghost writing this, why is she taking in first person like it’s actually me? Well here is why…
…because I said so.
Directed by Michael Lehmann
Because I Killed Myself
By Michele Dillon
(You guys may be wondering why there is a big blank space above this…it is because; as you can see from the title of this review…I killed myself. I was able to get my ghost to reincarnate herself into an animate object so she should type this portion (you may also be wondering why if its my ghost writing this, why is she taking in first person like its actually me…we will get to that later). So it is now, where I will tell you the story of why I killed myself. It should be pretty obvious if you have even attempted to watch this movie, I can’t think of anyone in their right mind who would ever voluntarily put themselves through watching this movie in full (well besides me of course). So in memory of myself, I am going to make one of my famous lists…
Lists Of Reasons Why I Felt The Need To Kill Myself (Even Though I Had A Really Good Long Life Ahead Of Me….And I Was Pretty Sure I Was Gonna Be Really Rich And Famous…And Pretty….Oooh, Oooh And Famous…Oh Wait I Already Said That)
1.) Diane Keaton’s voice and her constant complaining!
2.) Mandy Moore…that’s it…just Mandy Moore…does anyone really need a specific reason to not like Mandy Moore? (Just in case you do, I will give you one…she can’t act)
3.) The horrible….barf in my own mouth…script! I do not understand! How do these people look at these scripts and think “This will be an amazing movie! And you know what would make it even more amazing? If we casted horrible actors!”(Diana Keaton would probably be the only actress in this movie that is not horrible but just ended up doing a horrible job in the movie)
4.) The premise of the movie was about a mom who wanted to hook up her daughter with someone so she posted an ad online and behind the daughter’s back would hold the meetings with them and have them pretend to go meet her on accident…what kind of daughter loving mother would do that?! (Kind of like, what life loving bee would sting you? Which by the way, did you know that Wasps don’t die after they sting you? And they are the huge scary ones! What kind of stupid messed up sh** is that?)
5.) I could go on to write down every single director, producer, actor, co-producer, writer, co-writer of this movie but my ghost really does not have much more time left…a rhinoceros probably wasn’t the best thing to come back as…they have borderline ADD and I am really wondering how she was even able to type this with their gigantic feet/hands/paws…whatever you call them.
Oh and remember when I said I was going to tell you why if it’s my ghost writing this, why is she taking in first person like it’s actually me? Well here is why…
…because I said so.
35th Worst Movie: The Perfect Man
“The Perfect Man” Starring Hilary Duff, Heather Locklear and Chris North
Directed by Mark Rosman
“The Imperfect Hilary Duff”
By Michele Dillon
Picture this: Hilary Duff’s voice. Now picture this: Hilary Duff’s voice for 1 ½ hours straight (not even blocked out by other actors because she was in almost every scene). Now I am not going to say that there is some kind of pattern here, but it does seem kind of odd that there are at least three movies (The Perfect Man, Cheaper By the Dozen 2, Material Girls) that Hilary Duff has been in that are on this Worst Movie List. I am pretty sure that if they made a Worst CD List, for some odd reason Hilary Duff would be on that as well…but once again, no pattern whatsoever that I am seeing here…mere coincidences. In order for you to understand the pain that I had to endure while watching this movie, I am going to make a list of things that Hilary Duff’s character (which by the way, is always the same in all her movies so they should really just name her Hilary) did during this movie that made it completely horrible, predictable and also very unlikely.
1.) She was writing a blog (uh, hello…since when could Hilary Duff write OR read for that matter…it’s a well known fact that people have to feed the lines to her because she cannot do these things)
2.) We are supposed to believe that she is cute enough to get a good looking guy to like her within the first two seconds of meeting her and then after meeting her, when she opens her mouth and talks, he is not disgusted and he keeps talking to her…eww
3.) Her character is trying to make her mom happy by creating a non-existent guy and making her believe that he is real and that he actually wants to be with her (how would that make her happy again Hilary? Where was the sensitive thought in this?)
4.) During the movie, while she is trying to make her mom believe this guy is real, she does numerous horrible things such as:
a. In order to ensure that her mom does not meet the guy who she is trying to make her mom believe likes her, she puts a match to the sprinklers to make them go off in his restaurant, which would completely ruin the entire restaurant and let’s just hope that this guy has insurance for that…otherwise he is screwed
b. She barges in on a wedding, makes the bride think that her soon to be husband cheated on her, so she punches him, but really nothing like that happened so she basically ruined this woman’s wedding
5.) Has anyone ever noticed that before Hilary Duff got horrible horse teeth and lost all that weight that she had a really tiny bubble butt? Yes, this has nothing to do with the movie (or really her teeth, I just wanted to mention the horse teeth) but it was something that I noticed while watching it so I thought I should bring it up.
So really, that is all I have to say about this Perfect Barf-fest, if you have any further questions about my hatred for Hilary Duff, I will be happy to answer them.
Directed by Mark Rosman
“The Imperfect Hilary Duff”
By Michele Dillon
Picture this: Hilary Duff’s voice. Now picture this: Hilary Duff’s voice for 1 ½ hours straight (not even blocked out by other actors because she was in almost every scene). Now I am not going to say that there is some kind of pattern here, but it does seem kind of odd that there are at least three movies (The Perfect Man, Cheaper By the Dozen 2, Material Girls) that Hilary Duff has been in that are on this Worst Movie List. I am pretty sure that if they made a Worst CD List, for some odd reason Hilary Duff would be on that as well…but once again, no pattern whatsoever that I am seeing here…mere coincidences. In order for you to understand the pain that I had to endure while watching this movie, I am going to make a list of things that Hilary Duff’s character (which by the way, is always the same in all her movies so they should really just name her Hilary) did during this movie that made it completely horrible, predictable and also very unlikely.
1.) She was writing a blog (uh, hello…since when could Hilary Duff write OR read for that matter…it’s a well known fact that people have to feed the lines to her because she cannot do these things)
2.) We are supposed to believe that she is cute enough to get a good looking guy to like her within the first two seconds of meeting her and then after meeting her, when she opens her mouth and talks, he is not disgusted and he keeps talking to her…eww
3.) Her character is trying to make her mom happy by creating a non-existent guy and making her believe that he is real and that he actually wants to be with her (how would that make her happy again Hilary? Where was the sensitive thought in this?)
4.) During the movie, while she is trying to make her mom believe this guy is real, she does numerous horrible things such as:
a. In order to ensure that her mom does not meet the guy who she is trying to make her mom believe likes her, she puts a match to the sprinklers to make them go off in his restaurant, which would completely ruin the entire restaurant and let’s just hope that this guy has insurance for that…otherwise he is screwed
b. She barges in on a wedding, makes the bride think that her soon to be husband cheated on her, so she punches him, but really nothing like that happened so she basically ruined this woman’s wedding
5.) Has anyone ever noticed that before Hilary Duff got horrible horse teeth and lost all that weight that she had a really tiny bubble butt? Yes, this has nothing to do with the movie (or really her teeth, I just wanted to mention the horse teeth) but it was something that I noticed while watching it so I thought I should bring it up.
So really, that is all I have to say about this Perfect Barf-fest, if you have any further questions about my hatred for Hilary Duff, I will be happy to answer them.
36th Worst Movie: Serving Sara
“Serving Sara’ Starring Matthew Perry, Elizabeth Hurley and Vincent Pastore
Directed by Reginald Hudlin
Serving Crap
By Michele Dillon
Ok, so the movie wasn’t THAT bad but I was pretty un-entertained during the whole thing. Elizabeth Hurley may be good looking but I have yet to see her do that great of an acting job. I am a big fan of the movie Bedazzled but that is mostly because of the story because Brendan Fraser is in that movie as well and no one has ever mistaken him for winning an Oscar…
Since I am in a lazy mood, I am going to make one of my infamous lists to explain what was bad about the movie:
1.) Matthew Perry stuck his hand up a cow’s butt (why do I see a pattern of movies being on this list where someone’s hand goes up a cow’s butt, in example: Say It Isn’t So, maybe that should be a clue that people don’t like to see that)
2.) Elizabeth Hurley trying to spit out words that sound only a little like English (since her accent is so thick, you can barely understand her, yes I know that English is her actual language but it doesn’t seem like it)
3.) Elizabeth Hurley wearing a totally uncoordinated short skirt with a cowboy hat, yes I know, that for most people this is not bad but I think the director forgot that when this movie was made, Hurley was in her 40’s and should not be wear little girl skirts…sorry.
4.) The overall storyline and that it seemed like the screen writer was purposely making it suck.
And th...tha....that's all folks!
Directed by Reginald Hudlin
Serving Crap
By Michele Dillon
Ok, so the movie wasn’t THAT bad but I was pretty un-entertained during the whole thing. Elizabeth Hurley may be good looking but I have yet to see her do that great of an acting job. I am a big fan of the movie Bedazzled but that is mostly because of the story because Brendan Fraser is in that movie as well and no one has ever mistaken him for winning an Oscar…
Since I am in a lazy mood, I am going to make one of my infamous lists to explain what was bad about the movie:
1.) Matthew Perry stuck his hand up a cow’s butt (why do I see a pattern of movies being on this list where someone’s hand goes up a cow’s butt, in example: Say It Isn’t So, maybe that should be a clue that people don’t like to see that)
2.) Elizabeth Hurley trying to spit out words that sound only a little like English (since her accent is so thick, you can barely understand her, yes I know that English is her actual language but it doesn’t seem like it)
3.) Elizabeth Hurley wearing a totally uncoordinated short skirt with a cowboy hat, yes I know, that for most people this is not bad but I think the director forgot that when this movie was made, Hurley was in her 40’s and should not be wear little girl skirts…sorry.
4.) The overall storyline and that it seemed like the screen writer was purposely making it suck.
And th...tha....that's all folks!
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