“Universal Soldier: The Return” Starring Jean-Claude Van Damme, Xander Berkeley and Michael Jai White
Directed by Mic Rodgers
Why Exactly Did He Return?
By Michele Dillon
As if any movie that has Jean-Claude Van Damme in it could be good, it will come as no surprise to you that this movie did not stop that cycle. Does anyone else hate the types of jeans he wears? I find them very disgusting and offensive…I really don’t want to see Jean-Claude Van Damme’s body shape that well…I still can’t wrap my mind around the fact that this guy was a sex symbol…PUKE!
So if it helps you enjoy this it all, please read the review in a French accent. To assist with this, I will try to write it the way you should sound. Dis movie vas avout ‘ow unibersal soldzers (dead guys brought back to life to be army killing machines) turn on their makiers. Obbvossly, vis did not turn out vell.
It’s hard to believe, but that is actually really hard to do so I will continue in my really boring English accent (no, not British, I am not that cool). So after the universal soldiers turn on their makers, it is up to Jean-Claude Van Damme to make sure that the leader doesn’t get a hold of a secret code that only he knows that could either make the leader die or if he discovered it, could make him live forever…muhahahahahha!! Sorry, got carried away there…I think that it is OK to say this without it being a spoiler but once again, happy ending and the stinking dead guys/robots do not live forever and humans are back to being smarter than them...which I am not sure is all entirely true because I don’t think that a robot would have made a movie this dumb…but I am a human so I shouldn’t be racist against myself and just accept the fact that there are some really stupid people out there and I am obviously not one of the them.
What else can I say? Except that maybe Jean-Claude Van Damme should definitely get new pants…hello! We are in a new millennium here Jean…figure it out…
Wednesday, June 2, 2010
46th Worst Movie: The Forsaken
“The Forsaken” Starring Kerr Smith, Brendan Fehr and Izabella Miko
Directed by J.S. Cardone
Oh J.S. Cardone! Why have you Forsaken ME?!!
By Michele Dillon
Anyone heard of this director? Yeah…didn’t think so…that’s because whenever this movie first came out, I am pretty sure that someone hunted him down and then killed him for making such a god-awful movie. Ok, so it’s a vampire movie…no no…don’t get too excited…it wasn’t that kind of vampire movie. It was a HORRIBLE inconceivable vampire movie! It was about vampires who go around, just for fun, at night and punching holes in people’s stomachs and not just sucking their blood…eating their flesh and being completely disgusting about it too! I mean, they didn’t even use forks!! And on top of that, I’m pretty sure this was supposed to be the twist in the movie or something, if you get bitten by a vampire and they don’t, you know…kill you and eat you, then you will turn into one too BUT this guy figured out if you take a bunch of prescription pills together then it delays the transformation for up to a year. He uses that time to track down the vampire that bit him because supposedly if you kill the original vampire then the virus is lifted…like that makes any sense at all! What’s even worse is that this movie was just made in 2001…only 9 years ago! It wasn’t even an early 90’s movie where you could still experiment with pieces of junk movies like this…OK, that’s IT! No more disgusting movies! I’m putting my foot down!
Directed by J.S. Cardone
Oh J.S. Cardone! Why have you Forsaken ME?!!
By Michele Dillon
Anyone heard of this director? Yeah…didn’t think so…that’s because whenever this movie first came out, I am pretty sure that someone hunted him down and then killed him for making such a god-awful movie. Ok, so it’s a vampire movie…no no…don’t get too excited…it wasn’t that kind of vampire movie. It was a HORRIBLE inconceivable vampire movie! It was about vampires who go around, just for fun, at night and punching holes in people’s stomachs and not just sucking their blood…eating their flesh and being completely disgusting about it too! I mean, they didn’t even use forks!! And on top of that, I’m pretty sure this was supposed to be the twist in the movie or something, if you get bitten by a vampire and they don’t, you know…kill you and eat you, then you will turn into one too BUT this guy figured out if you take a bunch of prescription pills together then it delays the transformation for up to a year. He uses that time to track down the vampire that bit him because supposedly if you kill the original vampire then the virus is lifted…like that makes any sense at all! What’s even worse is that this movie was just made in 2001…only 9 years ago! It wasn’t even an early 90’s movie where you could still experiment with pieces of junk movies like this…OK, that’s IT! No more disgusting movies! I’m putting my foot down!
47th Worst Movie: Extreme Ops
“Extreme Ops” Starring Devon Sawa, Bridgette Wilson and Rufus Sewell
Directed by Christian Duguay
Extreme OOPS
By Michele Dillon
Yeah, I know, pretty much a 2 year old could have come up with that headline but hey…that’s what watching these movies causes me to resort too. Don’t be surprised if you see a lot of that throughout this review.
I was EXTREMEly disappointed in how bad this film actually was. First off, the foundation of the movie is based on a story of snowboarders and skiers who agree to get filmed coming down a hill while being chased by an actual avalanche (for some kind of EXTREME sports movie that a director is making). But then the movie turns into one that is about murder and “suspense”…out of nowhere…like where the hell did that come from? And it didn’t even make logical sense. Some crazy mob guy sees one of the skiers filming a guy making out with this girl when the guy is actually supposed to be dead. He did some kind of “fake your own death” thing so a pending trial would get dismissed. But instead of the mob guy just trying to go in and steal the video tape (which would have been pretty easy to do), he goes in and holds a gun to the boy’s head and demands the video tape and the boy didn’t even know that what he was filming was suspicious in the first place! But now he knows that something fishy is going on so he brings everyone else into it. How stupid can you get? My number one biggest pet peeve is when a movie gets made and all the characters are made into these illogical dumb dumbs because the filmmaker/screenwriter thinks that is the only way we will believe that this plot could have happened. In reality, they could have pulled it off making them smart characters AND the movie would have been way better if they did it that way. Anyway, I guess that I can’t really be too critical because I haven’t even made ONE movie and at least Christian Duguay can say he has…even though it sucked balls and I wish I never saw it.
Directed by Christian Duguay
Extreme OOPS
By Michele Dillon
Yeah, I know, pretty much a 2 year old could have come up with that headline but hey…that’s what watching these movies causes me to resort too. Don’t be surprised if you see a lot of that throughout this review.
I was EXTREMEly disappointed in how bad this film actually was. First off, the foundation of the movie is based on a story of snowboarders and skiers who agree to get filmed coming down a hill while being chased by an actual avalanche (for some kind of EXTREME sports movie that a director is making). But then the movie turns into one that is about murder and “suspense”…out of nowhere…like where the hell did that come from? And it didn’t even make logical sense. Some crazy mob guy sees one of the skiers filming a guy making out with this girl when the guy is actually supposed to be dead. He did some kind of “fake your own death” thing so a pending trial would get dismissed. But instead of the mob guy just trying to go in and steal the video tape (which would have been pretty easy to do), he goes in and holds a gun to the boy’s head and demands the video tape and the boy didn’t even know that what he was filming was suspicious in the first place! But now he knows that something fishy is going on so he brings everyone else into it. How stupid can you get? My number one biggest pet peeve is when a movie gets made and all the characters are made into these illogical dumb dumbs because the filmmaker/screenwriter thinks that is the only way we will believe that this plot could have happened. In reality, they could have pulled it off making them smart characters AND the movie would have been way better if they did it that way. Anyway, I guess that I can’t really be too critical because I haven’t even made ONE movie and at least Christian Duguay can say he has…even though it sucked balls and I wish I never saw it.
48th Worst Movie: The Adventures of Pluto Nash
“The Adventures of Pluto Nash” Starring Eddie Murphy, Rosario Dawson and Randy Quaid
Directed by Ron Underwood
The Really Un-exciting Adventures of a Person with a Horrible Name
By Michele Dillon
Alright, let’s get it over with and right out into the open…I am in love with Eddie Murphy. His voice, his hair, his acting abilities down to his crazy out there funniness…man, if only there was a way I could meet him, I just know I could make him love me back. (This paragraph is best understood if read in a sarcastic tone).
Ok, now that that is out of the way; what was up with this movie? As I was watching it, I was wondering, as I often do, how this movie even got past the pre-production phase…as in the pre-pre-production phase where the movie hasn’t even been bought by a studio yet. It just boggles my mind how movies like this can get made and yet I am still not making movies. Yes, I know, it all comes down to dedication and you know “actually trying” but really, if I had done even either of those things…I could have made a really sh***y movie by now! If only! Can you think of it? I would title it “The Dumbest Movie Ever” Starring Jackie Chan, Eddie Murphy, Cedric the Entertainer and Scarlet Johannson (AKA the dumbest actors ever). It would be amazingly bad! Come to think of it, I am going to start writing it now…I just hope that I can get the cast I am picturing….ahh, who am I kidding, they’ve got nothing else better to do!
Anyway, I totally lost track of the fact that I am writing a review and not telling you about my awesome future plans for my life…so this movie, um…I really don’t know…I did watch it…it’s just…hmmm…OK, yes, I believe there was Eddie Murphy and he lived on the moon (by the way, the moon is very dusty, don’t ever try to live there) and someone was trying to take over all of the moon’s businesses in order to make the whole moon a casino (I know, why didn’t I think of this). So as if that wasn’t enough of a plot to keep you going (which, by the way, it really wasn’t) then they also added some running away and some hiding and even the all inclusive cloning! If I haven’t sold you on this movie yet then you just have no creativity or imagination.
So anyway, obviously I loved this movie and I will immediately go out and buy it and watch it every day. (Come to think of it, this whole review would be best understood if read in a sarcastic tone)
Directed by Ron Underwood
The Really Un-exciting Adventures of a Person with a Horrible Name
By Michele Dillon
Alright, let’s get it over with and right out into the open…I am in love with Eddie Murphy. His voice, his hair, his acting abilities down to his crazy out there funniness…man, if only there was a way I could meet him, I just know I could make him love me back. (This paragraph is best understood if read in a sarcastic tone).
Ok, now that that is out of the way; what was up with this movie? As I was watching it, I was wondering, as I often do, how this movie even got past the pre-production phase…as in the pre-pre-production phase where the movie hasn’t even been bought by a studio yet. It just boggles my mind how movies like this can get made and yet I am still not making movies. Yes, I know, it all comes down to dedication and you know “actually trying” but really, if I had done even either of those things…I could have made a really sh***y movie by now! If only! Can you think of it? I would title it “The Dumbest Movie Ever” Starring Jackie Chan, Eddie Murphy, Cedric the Entertainer and Scarlet Johannson (AKA the dumbest actors ever). It would be amazingly bad! Come to think of it, I am going to start writing it now…I just hope that I can get the cast I am picturing….ahh, who am I kidding, they’ve got nothing else better to do!
Anyway, I totally lost track of the fact that I am writing a review and not telling you about my awesome future plans for my life…so this movie, um…I really don’t know…I did watch it…it’s just…hmmm…OK, yes, I believe there was Eddie Murphy and he lived on the moon (by the way, the moon is very dusty, don’t ever try to live there) and someone was trying to take over all of the moon’s businesses in order to make the whole moon a casino (I know, why didn’t I think of this). So as if that wasn’t enough of a plot to keep you going (which, by the way, it really wasn’t) then they also added some running away and some hiding and even the all inclusive cloning! If I haven’t sold you on this movie yet then you just have no creativity or imagination.
So anyway, obviously I loved this movie and I will immediately go out and buy it and watch it every day. (Come to think of it, this whole review would be best understood if read in a sarcastic tone)
Wednesday, March 24, 2010
49th Worst Movie: Summer Catch
“Summer Catch” Starring Jessica Biel, Freddie Prinze Jr. and Matthew Lilliard
Directed by Michael Tollin
Bummer Batch
By Michele Dillon
What really can you say about a movie like this? I’m so glad that Freddie Prinze Jr. no longer makes movies? When are they going to stop casting Jessica Biel as well? Ok, so I really don’t have that big of a problem with Jessica Biel but I do think that she is too ridiculously skinny now that she is all “famous” and I used to like that she was the one that would make everybody be proud with her about her curvy body. That’s just another one who got lost to the Hollywood fame. Not that I am saying I would have all that much luck myself having to deal with the whole world talking about my weight. It gets pretty bad what people say nowadays. I really am just trying to stall with this right now…
So the movie was about a boy (yes boy, not man) who stays home for the summer so he can try out for the hometown minor league baseball team. Supposedly he is really good but you really don’t see it cause he I guess he gets the case of the nerves when he plays for the games that count. But then he hits his stride and starts doing really well. All the while he is dating this girl who is played by Biel and she is some kind of fancy shmancy too rich for him type of character so its all about the families hating families thing and “I’m not good enough for you” stupid crap that used to be the plots of a lot of romantic comedies back in the day. It really wasn’t anything new and interesting. It was predictable, lame and there wasn’t even any whip creamed naked girls in it (even though I am not a guy, I think everyone can agree a whip cream naked girl always fixes a bad movie).
I am so glad that romantic comedies (for the most part) are taking a new twist these days (I.E.: Ugly Truth, Forgetting Sarah Marshall). I really don’t know how many more of these on the Worst List I can watch. I can’t even say anything funny about this movie because it was so dull; it took away all my wittiness.
Directed by Michael Tollin
Bummer Batch
By Michele Dillon
What really can you say about a movie like this? I’m so glad that Freddie Prinze Jr. no longer makes movies? When are they going to stop casting Jessica Biel as well? Ok, so I really don’t have that big of a problem with Jessica Biel but I do think that she is too ridiculously skinny now that she is all “famous” and I used to like that she was the one that would make everybody be proud with her about her curvy body. That’s just another one who got lost to the Hollywood fame. Not that I am saying I would have all that much luck myself having to deal with the whole world talking about my weight. It gets pretty bad what people say nowadays. I really am just trying to stall with this right now…
So the movie was about a boy (yes boy, not man) who stays home for the summer so he can try out for the hometown minor league baseball team. Supposedly he is really good but you really don’t see it cause he I guess he gets the case of the nerves when he plays for the games that count. But then he hits his stride and starts doing really well. All the while he is dating this girl who is played by Biel and she is some kind of fancy shmancy too rich for him type of character so its all about the families hating families thing and “I’m not good enough for you” stupid crap that used to be the plots of a lot of romantic comedies back in the day. It really wasn’t anything new and interesting. It was predictable, lame and there wasn’t even any whip creamed naked girls in it (even though I am not a guy, I think everyone can agree a whip cream naked girl always fixes a bad movie).
I am so glad that romantic comedies (for the most part) are taking a new twist these days (I.E.: Ugly Truth, Forgetting Sarah Marshall). I really don’t know how many more of these on the Worst List I can watch. I can’t even say anything funny about this movie because it was so dull; it took away all my wittiness.
50th Worst Movie: Cheaper By the Dozen 2
“Cheaper By the Dozen 2” Starring Steve Martin, Bonnie Hunt and Hilary Duff
Directed by Adam Shankman
Cheap and Cheesy (And I certainly don’t want a dozen of it)
By Michele Dillon
If you want to know if you are going to be watching a bad movie there are a few things that you need to look out for. First off, anything with a 2, 3 or 4 after the title or just repeats the same title as the original but puts a THE in front it you want to steer clear from! Secondly, if it says Hilary Duff stars ANYWHERE in the movie, whether it is a cameo or not (is she even famous enough to do a cameo?) then you can just PUT THE MOVIE DOWN…WALK AWAY SLOWLY…and not to be too drastic but you must quickly leave the movie aisle that you are in or bad things might happen. Thirdly (thirdly is a word, right?), please remember that Adam Shankman is a good dance choreographer, but never in anyone’s definition does that ever mean that you can direct movies or that you should even try. And finally, if it talks like a bad script (you can tell its talking like a bad script because usually it does it in a really bad imitation of a British accent), it sounds like a bad script (this is simple, just have someone read it out loud to you and if you cringe at the first sentence then that’s a good sign that it is a bad script-OR to make it even more simpler, just have the script read itself to you and you’ll know immediately if its bad because of the poorly imitated British accent we just talked about-but be careful with this one, once you get a bad script to read itself…sometimes there is no turning back), it walks like a bad script (believe me, I’ve seen bad scripts walk…it was trying to get out of the scene of the set as fast as it could!)…then it IS a bad script.
If it was not abundantly clear by now, this movie is what I consider bad due to all of these qualifications…or in other words…duh.
Directed by Adam Shankman
Cheap and Cheesy (And I certainly don’t want a dozen of it)
By Michele Dillon
If you want to know if you are going to be watching a bad movie there are a few things that you need to look out for. First off, anything with a 2, 3 or 4 after the title or just repeats the same title as the original but puts a THE in front it you want to steer clear from! Secondly, if it says Hilary Duff stars ANYWHERE in the movie, whether it is a cameo or not (is she even famous enough to do a cameo?) then you can just PUT THE MOVIE DOWN…WALK AWAY SLOWLY…and not to be too drastic but you must quickly leave the movie aisle that you are in or bad things might happen. Thirdly (thirdly is a word, right?), please remember that Adam Shankman is a good dance choreographer, but never in anyone’s definition does that ever mean that you can direct movies or that you should even try. And finally, if it talks like a bad script (you can tell its talking like a bad script because usually it does it in a really bad imitation of a British accent), it sounds like a bad script (this is simple, just have someone read it out loud to you and if you cringe at the first sentence then that’s a good sign that it is a bad script-OR to make it even more simpler, just have the script read itself to you and you’ll know immediately if its bad because of the poorly imitated British accent we just talked about-but be careful with this one, once you get a bad script to read itself…sometimes there is no turning back), it walks like a bad script (believe me, I’ve seen bad scripts walk…it was trying to get out of the scene of the set as fast as it could!)…then it IS a bad script.
If it was not abundantly clear by now, this movie is what I consider bad due to all of these qualifications…or in other words…duh.
Monday, March 22, 2010
51st Worst Movie: Glitter
"Glitter" Starring Mariah Carrey, Max Beesley & Terrence Howard
Directed by Vondie Curtis-Hall
Slit-her Wrists!
By Michele Dillon
There are lots of things that glitter; stars…glitter…OK maybe there aren’t that many things that glitter but the point is, this movie doesn’t glitter at all. Something about watching Mariah Carrey in a movie, trying to act, made me think that there can be something worse than hearing Mariah Carrey sing. But guess what? This movie was a double whammy! I got to see Mariah Carrey try to act AND she sang at the same time! It was chaos! I didn’t know whether I should chop off my ears or gouge my eyeballs out! In the end, I settled for sticking it out through the movie so I could make fun of it to my fullest extent.
So the premise of the movie was a young girl that got taken away from her mother because she was, you guessed it, a drug addict. But she was singing since she was a little kid (I know, I almost puked trying to think of Mariah Carrey as a little kid too) and as she got older she was in what someone can only call a singing group with bad clothes (it was probably to deter from the bad singing). But one magical day, she gets discovered and she no longer has to wear bad clothes…she has to wear really bad clothes. She ends up dating her producer (didn’t anyone ever tell her that is a bad idea) and then she stops dating her producer…things happen….someone gets killed….but everything is alright because in the end she gets to meet her drug addict mother (who supposedly she has not been able to locate since she got taken away)!!
Now as you can see, I am not just a highly critical person, I actually do pay enough attention to a movie to be able to look at it in a completely non-biased way and then critique it in a completely right (and I am the only one who ever really is right about movies and whether or not they are good) way. So you are welcome for enlightening you and saving you about 2 excruciating hours of your life…don’t say I never did you any solids.
Directed by Vondie Curtis-Hall
Slit-her Wrists!
By Michele Dillon
There are lots of things that glitter; stars…glitter…OK maybe there aren’t that many things that glitter but the point is, this movie doesn’t glitter at all. Something about watching Mariah Carrey in a movie, trying to act, made me think that there can be something worse than hearing Mariah Carrey sing. But guess what? This movie was a double whammy! I got to see Mariah Carrey try to act AND she sang at the same time! It was chaos! I didn’t know whether I should chop off my ears or gouge my eyeballs out! In the end, I settled for sticking it out through the movie so I could make fun of it to my fullest extent.
So the premise of the movie was a young girl that got taken away from her mother because she was, you guessed it, a drug addict. But she was singing since she was a little kid (I know, I almost puked trying to think of Mariah Carrey as a little kid too) and as she got older she was in what someone can only call a singing group with bad clothes (it was probably to deter from the bad singing). But one magical day, she gets discovered and she no longer has to wear bad clothes…she has to wear really bad clothes. She ends up dating her producer (didn’t anyone ever tell her that is a bad idea) and then she stops dating her producer…things happen….someone gets killed….but everything is alright because in the end she gets to meet her drug addict mother (who supposedly she has not been able to locate since she got taken away)!!
Now as you can see, I am not just a highly critical person, I actually do pay enough attention to a movie to be able to look at it in a completely non-biased way and then critique it in a completely right (and I am the only one who ever really is right about movies and whether or not they are good) way. So you are welcome for enlightening you and saving you about 2 excruciating hours of your life…don’t say I never did you any solids.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
