"Gods and Generals" Starring Jeff Daniels, Robert Duvall, and Stephen Lang
Directed by Ronald F. Maxwell
Boring and Boring
By Michele Dillon
I can't even review this movie. This is why...
I put it in and started watching: what a concept. The movie didn't make sense at all. It seemed like it just started out of nowhere and they were already in the middle of the war. You couldn't tell who the characters were either. Then I realized about halfway through...the dvd was one of those rare dvd's that has 2 sides and the first part of the movie was on the flipside of the disc...how stupid am I?
But I didn't have the guts to turn the movie over and watch the beginning because I was so bored from the ending! I'm sorry if I am letting my total of 3 followers (my mom doesn't know how to sign up for an account (or she doesn't want too) to be my REAL follower but she still reads it) down by not watching this movie in its entirety but I think that you should forgive me immediately...like now.
Friday, October 16, 2009
87th Worst Movie: Darkness Falls
"Darkness Falls" Starring Chaney Kley, Emma Caulfield, and Lee Cormie
Directed by Jonathan Liebesman
Darkness "Fails"
By Michele Dillon
Any movie that has to do with the tooth fairy has to be good, right? I wish I could have put this movie under my pillow and gotten my money back for it. OK, so it was on my online movie list so it was virutally free, and OK I am watching bad movies for the purpose of this blog, but who am I not to make fun of a bad movie if I have the chance?
The premise of the movie is basically a tooth fairy gone bad. An old woman's house caught fire and her face gets burnt so bad she has to walk around with a porcelain mask everywhere she goes. Two children went missing and she somehow got blamed, probably cause she wore a creepy porecelain mask. So the town decided to sentence her to death by hanging. Lo and behold, the two missing children came back the next day unharmed. But now, it is too late, she is coming back and haunting/killing/looking creepy in her porcelain mask on the night that a child loses their last tooth. In order to escape her wrath, you have to stay in the light; which is the case of the main character Kyle, who has been staying in the light for 17 years...can we say 'fraidy cat?
Now, I am not sure how the story of how the women died corresponds to her being afraid of light. Does the light remind her of the fire she burned in? If so, that has nothing to do with her being hung to death for a crime she did not committ...it was her own stupid fault that she got burnt in a fire and ended up with a fugly face...
Also, why does she target children when it was the adults that sentenced her to die? Old creepy lady, you don't make any sense! This was probably one of the most poorly developed horror movies I have ever watched. I could have played a drinking game to how many times anyone said "stay in the light" or "don't go in the dark" or "stop looking at me with your creepy porcelain face". Ok, so I made up that last one.
Anyway, what else can I say? This movie outdid itself in the art of sucking.
Directed by Jonathan Liebesman
Darkness "Fails"
By Michele Dillon
Any movie that has to do with the tooth fairy has to be good, right? I wish I could have put this movie under my pillow and gotten my money back for it. OK, so it was on my online movie list so it was virutally free, and OK I am watching bad movies for the purpose of this blog, but who am I not to make fun of a bad movie if I have the chance?
The premise of the movie is basically a tooth fairy gone bad. An old woman's house caught fire and her face gets burnt so bad she has to walk around with a porcelain mask everywhere she goes. Two children went missing and she somehow got blamed, probably cause she wore a creepy porecelain mask. So the town decided to sentence her to death by hanging. Lo and behold, the two missing children came back the next day unharmed. But now, it is too late, she is coming back and haunting/killing/looking creepy in her porcelain mask on the night that a child loses their last tooth. In order to escape her wrath, you have to stay in the light; which is the case of the main character Kyle, who has been staying in the light for 17 years...can we say 'fraidy cat?
Now, I am not sure how the story of how the women died corresponds to her being afraid of light. Does the light remind her of the fire she burned in? If so, that has nothing to do with her being hung to death for a crime she did not committ...it was her own stupid fault that she got burnt in a fire and ended up with a fugly face...
Also, why does she target children when it was the adults that sentenced her to die? Old creepy lady, you don't make any sense! This was probably one of the most poorly developed horror movies I have ever watched. I could have played a drinking game to how many times anyone said "stay in the light" or "don't go in the dark" or "stop looking at me with your creepy porcelain face". Ok, so I made up that last one.
Anyway, what else can I say? This movie outdid itself in the art of sucking.
Wednesday, October 7, 2009
88th Worst Movie: White Noise
"White Noise" Starring Michael Keaton, Chandra West, and Deborah Kara Unger
Directed by Geoffrey Sax
Static-y
By Michele Dillon
So I actually went into this movie knowing nothing about it. I can't say I was pleasantly surprised, nor can I say that it was the "Worst" movie I've ever seen. The premise of this movie is that Michael Keaton's wife goes missing. A man approaches him and advises him that he has been recieving messages from her through EVP, which is Electronic Voice Phenomena. This is where you can hear voices of the dead in the white noise of radio and see faces from white noise on the TV. Not but one day later, his wife is found dead. Keaton then becomes obsessed with trying to hear his wife through EVP himself because he is convinced she is trying to communicate an important message to him. He soon realizes that you don't only hear the good people that died, you can also hear the bad. From then on, he tries to uncover the mystery of whether the bad people are really just voices or if they are having an affect on the real word.This is another case of the idea being really good but the movie not taking it as far as it can go. First off, they don't really go into great detail on explanations of why certain things occur so you are left trying to fill in the gaps yourself with your amazing knowledge of the subject of EVP. Which, unless I am the only one who first heard of EVP in this movie, then this can leave you very confused. Secondly, it is quite boring having to watch Keaton sit in front of a TV staring at the white noise OR sit in his car listening to white noise; watching...waiting...listening...waiting. They wasted too much time having the white noise be completely nothing. I think they were trying to create suspense so it would make us jump out of our seat once something actually happened...good thought, but the viewers might fall asleep first.Other than those two things, the rest of the movie was OK. I was kind of intrigued to see where they were taking it but overall I would give it a D+.
Directed by Geoffrey Sax
Static-y
By Michele Dillon
So I actually went into this movie knowing nothing about it. I can't say I was pleasantly surprised, nor can I say that it was the "Worst" movie I've ever seen. The premise of this movie is that Michael Keaton's wife goes missing. A man approaches him and advises him that he has been recieving messages from her through EVP, which is Electronic Voice Phenomena. This is where you can hear voices of the dead in the white noise of radio and see faces from white noise on the TV. Not but one day later, his wife is found dead. Keaton then becomes obsessed with trying to hear his wife through EVP himself because he is convinced she is trying to communicate an important message to him. He soon realizes that you don't only hear the good people that died, you can also hear the bad. From then on, he tries to uncover the mystery of whether the bad people are really just voices or if they are having an affect on the real word.This is another case of the idea being really good but the movie not taking it as far as it can go. First off, they don't really go into great detail on explanations of why certain things occur so you are left trying to fill in the gaps yourself with your amazing knowledge of the subject of EVP. Which, unless I am the only one who first heard of EVP in this movie, then this can leave you very confused. Secondly, it is quite boring having to watch Keaton sit in front of a TV staring at the white noise OR sit in his car listening to white noise; watching...waiting...listening...waiting. They wasted too much time having the white noise be completely nothing. I think they were trying to create suspense so it would make us jump out of our seat once something actually happened...good thought, but the viewers might fall asleep first.Other than those two things, the rest of the movie was OK. I was kind of intrigued to see where they were taking it but overall I would give it a D+.
89th Worst Movie: Elektra
"Elektra" Starring Jennifer Garner, Goran Visnjic and Kristen Prout
Directed by Rob Bowman
"Elektra"cuted
By Michele Dillon
I just can't get over how amazing my review titles are. They just keep getting cleverer and cleverer. Is cleverer a word? Anyway, I actually have seen this movie numerous times and I fail to see what is so deathly wrong with it. Sure, the script is cheesy if not barfarific (I'm pretty sure THAT is a word). And sure the acting is probably the worst I have ever seen Jennifer Garner do. Sure, it is really weird to see a crow fly out of someone's chest tattoo, but that means nothing! This movie is awesome! Ok, maybe not awesome...probably the only thing that is awesome actually is Garner's abs, but still. It has a lot going for it. Lets list them:
1.) Jennifer Garner
2.) Jennifer Garner's Abs
3.) Jennifer Garner in skimpy clothing (because even a girl can appreciate it)
4.) Jennifer Garner kicking butt and last and probably the most important thing
5.) Jennifer Garner
So now that I have summed this up for you, it is VERY clear that this movie should not be anywhere on this Worst Movie list and it is just propestperous (spell check) to say otherwise. In fact, it should be on the Top 100 Best Movies...yeah I said it.
(Side note: for those of you who do not know me that well and can not recognize my humor, the above review was basically all sarcasm.)
Directed by Rob Bowman
"Elektra"cuted
By Michele Dillon
I just can't get over how amazing my review titles are. They just keep getting cleverer and cleverer. Is cleverer a word? Anyway, I actually have seen this movie numerous times and I fail to see what is so deathly wrong with it. Sure, the script is cheesy if not barfarific (I'm pretty sure THAT is a word). And sure the acting is probably the worst I have ever seen Jennifer Garner do. Sure, it is really weird to see a crow fly out of someone's chest tattoo, but that means nothing! This movie is awesome! Ok, maybe not awesome...probably the only thing that is awesome actually is Garner's abs, but still. It has a lot going for it. Lets list them:
1.) Jennifer Garner
2.) Jennifer Garner's Abs
3.) Jennifer Garner in skimpy clothing (because even a girl can appreciate it)
4.) Jennifer Garner kicking butt and last and probably the most important thing
5.) Jennifer Garner
So now that I have summed this up for you, it is VERY clear that this movie should not be anywhere on this Worst Movie list and it is just propestperous (spell check) to say otherwise. In fact, it should be on the Top 100 Best Movies...yeah I said it.
(Side note: for those of you who do not know me that well and can not recognize my humor, the above review was basically all sarcasm.)
Monday, October 5, 2009
Stay Tuned...
The next two blogs I will be writing are for the movies: Elektra and White Noise. They should be posted within the next couple of days. Until then, lets enjoy an Ode, everybody loves an Ode:
Ode to the Worst Movies
Oh, movie directors, all the wonder you create.
If not for you, this blog would not be my fate.
Oh wonderful actors, all the classes you could take.
But if you did, how many good movies could you make?
These past 10 movies have been a dread.
After 100, I just might be dead.
Some were good, some were OK.
Some bad enough the directors should pay.
Oh Worst Movies, how you make me feel
Like a brand new woman, reel after reel
By Michele Dillon
Ode to the Worst Movies
Oh, movie directors, all the wonder you create.
If not for you, this blog would not be my fate.
Oh wonderful actors, all the classes you could take.
But if you did, how many good movies could you make?
These past 10 movies have been a dread.
After 100, I just might be dead.
Some were good, some were OK.
Some bad enough the directors should pay.
Oh Worst Movies, how you make me feel
Like a brand new woman, reel after reel
By Michele Dillon
Monday, September 28, 2009
90th Worst Movie: The Number 23
"The Number 23" Starring Jim Carrey, Virginia Madsen and Rhona Mitra
Directed by Joel Schumacher
2+3=5, 3-2=1, 5+1=6!!
By Michele Dillon
You may not have gotten my humor in the title. But basically I was playing the same number game they play in the movie and I was taking the numbers 2 and 3 to make 6 to make it seem like the movie is the devil...you know a joke is good if you have to explain it.
So, the premise of this movie is that Virginia Madsen, who plays Jim Carrey's wife, finds a book called The Number 23 and finds it interesting so she gives it to her husband to read. He starts to get obsessed with the book because it seems really similiar to his own life and he starts seeing the number 23 everywhere he goes. He thinks that the number is a curse and its going to haunt him forever.
The movie had a good idea and a good starting point, but it wasn't taken anywhere; at least not anywhere exciting. It seems like the director was just trying to be artistic and the storyline got lost in the process. After awhile, hearing about all the ways that you could turn anything into the numbers 23 got a little old and it seemed that is the only thing the movie was going to focus on until it gets to the last 30 minutes of the movie. Of course there was a twist, which I wont mention for those of you who still want to watch the movie after my review, but even the twist was lacking. I turned off the movie feeling disappointed because I felt it had all this potential that didn't get used because it was relying on the actual idea of the plot, instead of developing the idea.
Directed by Joel Schumacher
2+3=5, 3-2=1, 5+1=6!!
By Michele Dillon
You may not have gotten my humor in the title. But basically I was playing the same number game they play in the movie and I was taking the numbers 2 and 3 to make 6 to make it seem like the movie is the devil...you know a joke is good if you have to explain it.
So, the premise of this movie is that Virginia Madsen, who plays Jim Carrey's wife, finds a book called The Number 23 and finds it interesting so she gives it to her husband to read. He starts to get obsessed with the book because it seems really similiar to his own life and he starts seeing the number 23 everywhere he goes. He thinks that the number is a curse and its going to haunt him forever.
The movie had a good idea and a good starting point, but it wasn't taken anywhere; at least not anywhere exciting. It seems like the director was just trying to be artistic and the storyline got lost in the process. After awhile, hearing about all the ways that you could turn anything into the numbers 23 got a little old and it seemed that is the only thing the movie was going to focus on until it gets to the last 30 minutes of the movie. Of course there was a twist, which I wont mention for those of you who still want to watch the movie after my review, but even the twist was lacking. I turned off the movie feeling disappointed because I felt it had all this potential that didn't get used because it was relying on the actual idea of the plot, instead of developing the idea.
91st Worst Movie: Urban Legends: Final Cut
"Urban Legends: Final Cut" Starring Jennifer Morrison, Matthew Davis and Eva Mendes
Directed by: John Ottman
Urban Legends' Final Dud
By Michele Dillon
I could have guessed this one was going to bad just because it fits into the stereotypical horror flick that tries to have a new and interesting plot. The fact of the matter is, you're not a horror movie if you have a new and interesting plot, thats called a 'suspense thriller'. However, I will give this movie one props; I was trying to figure out who the killer was throughout the movie and I thought it was quite obvious but it ended up being someone else. I hate when I get duped by a bad movie...
Anyway, the plot, if you want to call it that, is about a group of film students who are trying to direct the best film by the end of the year in order to win an award. One of the students, Jennifer Morrison, comes up with the idea to make a film about a serial killer who kills based off of Urban Legends. Little did she know, her idea would be turned into reality.
Ok, so I can't bash on the acting because the casting director of a horror movie is not looking for chops, they're looking for cha chas. So next in line is the script...wheras I just mentioned above, I can't bash on that either or otherwise it couldn't be a horror movie. So what does that leave me? Whether or not I was scared. This is a pretty easy thing to do. I am a pretty big wimp. However, this movie was not scary whatsoever. Anytime anything scary was meant to happen, it was really predictable how it was going to end. Not only that, but there were 2 or more scenes where the killer tries to kill off the main character but she ends up escaping. How likley is that when the killer has just managed to kill about 10 other people? One of my biggest pet peeves is when the movie makes out the killer to be this really smart pshyco who leaves you no mercy and gives you no chance to escape, but when it comes time to kill the main character, he all of the sudden becomes slow and clumsy and not only does the table fake out (you know, where the killer is on one end of the table, the victim on the other, and then they do this sort of dance in each direction, "oh no, where do I go" thing) but he ends up spilling the beans on how he accomplished all the killings and the reasoning behind it and takes FOREVER killing the main character. Come on, get it over with or get caught.
So thats my two cents on this fine movie. I think you can guess if it is still on the Worst list in my consideration.
Directed by: John Ottman
Urban Legends' Final Dud
By Michele Dillon
I could have guessed this one was going to bad just because it fits into the stereotypical horror flick that tries to have a new and interesting plot. The fact of the matter is, you're not a horror movie if you have a new and interesting plot, thats called a 'suspense thriller'. However, I will give this movie one props; I was trying to figure out who the killer was throughout the movie and I thought it was quite obvious but it ended up being someone else. I hate when I get duped by a bad movie...
Anyway, the plot, if you want to call it that, is about a group of film students who are trying to direct the best film by the end of the year in order to win an award. One of the students, Jennifer Morrison, comes up with the idea to make a film about a serial killer who kills based off of Urban Legends. Little did she know, her idea would be turned into reality.
Ok, so I can't bash on the acting because the casting director of a horror movie is not looking for chops, they're looking for cha chas. So next in line is the script...wheras I just mentioned above, I can't bash on that either or otherwise it couldn't be a horror movie. So what does that leave me? Whether or not I was scared. This is a pretty easy thing to do. I am a pretty big wimp. However, this movie was not scary whatsoever. Anytime anything scary was meant to happen, it was really predictable how it was going to end. Not only that, but there were 2 or more scenes where the killer tries to kill off the main character but she ends up escaping. How likley is that when the killer has just managed to kill about 10 other people? One of my biggest pet peeves is when the movie makes out the killer to be this really smart pshyco who leaves you no mercy and gives you no chance to escape, but when it comes time to kill the main character, he all of the sudden becomes slow and clumsy and not only does the table fake out (you know, where the killer is on one end of the table, the victim on the other, and then they do this sort of dance in each direction, "oh no, where do I go" thing) but he ends up spilling the beans on how he accomplished all the killings and the reasoning behind it and takes FOREVER killing the main character. Come on, get it over with or get caught.
So thats my two cents on this fine movie. I think you can guess if it is still on the Worst list in my consideration.
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