Well....it has come to the point where I have to admit I failed miserably at this blog idea. I continued on in my list and watched EVERY single bad movie listed but did not feel I had enough time (or motivation) to write any reviews on them. They were all so disgustingly bad anyway that anything I may have said would just make you think negatively for the rest of the day, and I just did not want to inflict that pain on whoever (meaning no one) reads my blog.
Also, I felt that I had spent valuable time posting many reviews that I felt my heart just wasnt in it and no one ever read them anyway. So without further ado, this blog is discontinued. Not because I am not awesome, because I totally am, but because you guys all suck and you didnt read it and give me the motivation/encouragement I needed to continue:).
Peace OUT!
Thursday, April 7, 2011
Thursday, December 2, 2010
21st Worst Movie: Bless the Child
“Bless the Child” Starring Kim Basinger, Jimmy Smits and Rufus Sewell
Directed by Chuck Russell
Forgive Me Father, For I Have Sinned; It's Been 8 Days Since My Last Blog; Since Then, I Have Watched A Really Bad Movie...A Really Really Bad Movie
By Michele Dillon
Ahhh…Kim Basinger, my “favorite” actress in my “favorite” type of movie; horror/suspense/thriller/blah…a movie that does not know what type of movie it wants to be, if you will. Or a movie that tries to fit so many different ideas into one that it becomes un-comprehendible, if you will. Or a movie that is so horribly bad that I am really close to swearing off movies (I said CLOSE), if you will. I am beginning to think that I am a really negative person, and I am not sure if it came about from having to watch so many of these horrible movies or if its always been lingering there, waiting for me to pounce on the next easy target that came my way; that easy target being, almost every single movie on this list. Ok so here comes the part of the review where I actually have to review the movie (because if I dont, then this really wouldnt be a movie review blog...scowl).
The premise (or stupidest idea ever) of the movie is this one woman (Kim Basinger) who has a horrible sister who has a baby and a drug problem. She ditches the baby at her sister's house and so it comes to be that the woman raises her sister's child. But then some odd years later, the sister is back in the picture but she has this awful new husband who wants to take custody of the child and since technically…she is still her child, there is nothing Kim can really do…except, wait for it, fight to the death (not really) to keep the child away from the evil parents (something to do with the devil…and some kind of cult of missing children…blah, blah, blah). Are you still paying attention? Really you are? That was a bad decision on your part because you could have stopped reading at the first sentence and yet you still kept reading…maybe thinking that it was going to get better, or that I was going to make some kind of really funny joke? Well you have been failed on both parts and I only partially feel bad for you. You really should have stopped reading at the moment you saw that Kim Basinger was starring in this movie…I would have forgave you, I really would have.
Directed by Chuck Russell
Forgive Me Father, For I Have Sinned; It's Been 8 Days Since My Last Blog; Since Then, I Have Watched A Really Bad Movie...A Really Really Bad Movie
By Michele Dillon
Ahhh…Kim Basinger, my “favorite” actress in my “favorite” type of movie; horror/suspense/thriller/blah…a movie that does not know what type of movie it wants to be, if you will. Or a movie that tries to fit so many different ideas into one that it becomes un-comprehendible, if you will. Or a movie that is so horribly bad that I am really close to swearing off movies (I said CLOSE), if you will. I am beginning to think that I am a really negative person, and I am not sure if it came about from having to watch so many of these horrible movies or if its always been lingering there, waiting for me to pounce on the next easy target that came my way; that easy target being, almost every single movie on this list. Ok so here comes the part of the review where I actually have to review the movie (because if I dont, then this really wouldnt be a movie review blog...scowl).
The premise (or stupidest idea ever) of the movie is this one woman (Kim Basinger) who has a horrible sister who has a baby and a drug problem. She ditches the baby at her sister's house and so it comes to be that the woman raises her sister's child. But then some odd years later, the sister is back in the picture but she has this awful new husband who wants to take custody of the child and since technically…she is still her child, there is nothing Kim can really do…except, wait for it, fight to the death (not really) to keep the child away from the evil parents (something to do with the devil…and some kind of cult of missing children…blah, blah, blah). Are you still paying attention? Really you are? That was a bad decision on your part because you could have stopped reading at the first sentence and yet you still kept reading…maybe thinking that it was going to get better, or that I was going to make some kind of really funny joke? Well you have been failed on both parts and I only partially feel bad for you. You really should have stopped reading at the moment you saw that Kim Basinger was starring in this movie…I would have forgave you, I really would have.
Wednesday, November 24, 2010
22nd Worst Movie: Son of the Mask
“Son of the Mask” Starring Jamie Kennedy, Alan Cumming and Traylor Howard
Directed by Lawrence Guterman
Son of the Boring Movie That Never Ends
By Michele Dillon
I don’t remember ever feeling the need for them to make a sequel to the movie The Mask, especially not one that doesn’t include Jim Carrey (the person who carried the original movie). I don’t even know if this can technically qualify as a sequel since really the only idea that they took from the original was the whole “mask turns you into evil/crazy type thing”. Everything else was an over abundance of unnecessary plot lines. I guess that is what you can expect from the same director of Cats and Dogs. After researching him on IMDB, I came to discover that Son of the Mask was only his fourth directed movie (and his last since 2005). Poor Lawrence, production companies probably stopped taking a leap of faith for him after this movie probably tanked. I can only imagine it did, although I did not look up the specific numbers.
I’m really surprised that Jaime Kennedy is even still an actor since he can’t, well, act. I can say that he does better with comedy than drama but not by much. I know that I speak more of the actors and the directors and the screenplay more than I do about the actual movie itself, but really when you are watching a movie this horrific, that’s all you can do. You can’t really look at the cinematography or the special effects or any of those sorts of things because they are practically non existent. I am trying my hardest here to actually like ONE of these movies. So far I believe the count is 2/78 watched so far…give or take. I really don’t think those are good odds unless the last 21 movies end up being amazing…I’ll keep you posted.
Directed by Lawrence Guterman
Son of the Boring Movie That Never Ends
By Michele Dillon
I don’t remember ever feeling the need for them to make a sequel to the movie The Mask, especially not one that doesn’t include Jim Carrey (the person who carried the original movie). I don’t even know if this can technically qualify as a sequel since really the only idea that they took from the original was the whole “mask turns you into evil/crazy type thing”. Everything else was an over abundance of unnecessary plot lines. I guess that is what you can expect from the same director of Cats and Dogs. After researching him on IMDB, I came to discover that Son of the Mask was only his fourth directed movie (and his last since 2005). Poor Lawrence, production companies probably stopped taking a leap of faith for him after this movie probably tanked. I can only imagine it did, although I did not look up the specific numbers.
I’m really surprised that Jaime Kennedy is even still an actor since he can’t, well, act. I can say that he does better with comedy than drama but not by much. I know that I speak more of the actors and the directors and the screenplay more than I do about the actual movie itself, but really when you are watching a movie this horrific, that’s all you can do. You can’t really look at the cinematography or the special effects or any of those sorts of things because they are practically non existent. I am trying my hardest here to actually like ONE of these movies. So far I believe the count is 2/78 watched so far…give or take. I really don’t think those are good odds unless the last 21 movies end up being amazing…I’ll keep you posted.
Tuesday, November 23, 2010
23rd Worst Movie: Fear Dot Com
“Fear Dot Com” Starring Stephen Dorff, Stephen Rea and Natasha McElhone
Directed by William Malone
Fear Dot Wrong
By Michele Dillon
I don’t think that it’s a coincidence that most of the movies on this list are scary/horror movies. The reason for that being 1.) They are way over made (seriously, think of something else Hollywood!) and 2.) Rarely is enough time spent on the storyline and the script, it’s like they feel that as long as they can make people jump, we won’t realize that none of the movie makes sense. Well guess what? *I* do! If not anyone else out there who pays attention to the plot and how it connects (or disconnects in most cases) then there is at least me. Yes, this may get me to be deemed as overly critical or “lame” but what is a girl to do with her time, other than rethink and rethink the plot of a movie right after she has watched it? I am a little crazy, I will admit that, not everyone really cares about all the miniscule things that I do when it comes to movies (such as that person is wearing a different shirt in the same scene), but really, there are some things that are so blatantly forgotten that I wonder how other people do not pick up on it (or care about it at least). To get on with the actual review of the movie, I guess we will first need to pick apart the very essence of the idea (if you even want to call it that). The premise of this movie is that people are dying because they logged on to a certain website (feardotcom.com), and Stephen Dorff (Detective Mike Reilly) must discover the reason why. Hmm, sounds promising, except for the fact that it doesn’t. I may not be the smartest tool in the shed, but this movie isn’t supposed to be considered fantasy, it’s horror, so in my opinion it must be believable in some aspect, which it is not…unless any time soon I may possibly die because I logged into amazon.com. Seriously? THIS is what is passing for entertainment? First of all, when is the last time that you have ever considered Dorff to be something of a good actor? And second of all, why did I watch this? Why did ANYONE watch this? Why did this come to the theatres at all? I am just dumbfounded by what passes as a movie then and even now (seeming how Hollywood has only produced one original movie idea-Inception-this whole entire year, everything else has been a remake of an old film, a remake of a foreign film or an adaptation from book to movie, or an adaptation from comic book to movie…well you get the idea). Anyway, I think it is pretty clear that this movie did not cut it in my opinion. Can we move on?
Directed by William Malone
Fear Dot Wrong
By Michele Dillon
I don’t think that it’s a coincidence that most of the movies on this list are scary/horror movies. The reason for that being 1.) They are way over made (seriously, think of something else Hollywood!) and 2.) Rarely is enough time spent on the storyline and the script, it’s like they feel that as long as they can make people jump, we won’t realize that none of the movie makes sense. Well guess what? *I* do! If not anyone else out there who pays attention to the plot and how it connects (or disconnects in most cases) then there is at least me. Yes, this may get me to be deemed as overly critical or “lame” but what is a girl to do with her time, other than rethink and rethink the plot of a movie right after she has watched it? I am a little crazy, I will admit that, not everyone really cares about all the miniscule things that I do when it comes to movies (such as that person is wearing a different shirt in the same scene), but really, there are some things that are so blatantly forgotten that I wonder how other people do not pick up on it (or care about it at least). To get on with the actual review of the movie, I guess we will first need to pick apart the very essence of the idea (if you even want to call it that). The premise of this movie is that people are dying because they logged on to a certain website (feardotcom.com), and Stephen Dorff (Detective Mike Reilly) must discover the reason why. Hmm, sounds promising, except for the fact that it doesn’t. I may not be the smartest tool in the shed, but this movie isn’t supposed to be considered fantasy, it’s horror, so in my opinion it must be believable in some aspect, which it is not…unless any time soon I may possibly die because I logged into amazon.com. Seriously? THIS is what is passing for entertainment? First of all, when is the last time that you have ever considered Dorff to be something of a good actor? And second of all, why did I watch this? Why did ANYONE watch this? Why did this come to the theatres at all? I am just dumbfounded by what passes as a movie then and even now (seeming how Hollywood has only produced one original movie idea-Inception-this whole entire year, everything else has been a remake of an old film, a remake of a foreign film or an adaptation from book to movie, or an adaptation from comic book to movie…well you get the idea). Anyway, I think it is pretty clear that this movie did not cut it in my opinion. Can we move on?
Wednesday, September 15, 2010
24th Worst Movie: Happily N’Ever After
“Happily N’Ever After” Starring Sarah Michelle Gellar, Freddie Prinze Jr. and George Carlin
Directed by Paul Bolger and Yvette Kaplan
Happily Always After
By Michele Dillon
Oh my goodness…why do I even have to review this movie? I think it is going to be pretty self explanatory that it is going to be a horrible movie because…
Things That Are Ironic/Dumb About This Movie
1.) It claims to not have a happy ending from the title…but it still has a happy ending.
2.) Sarah Michelle Gellar and Freddie Prinze Jr. play the two love interests (p.s. they are married in real life, just in case you didn’t know).
3.) Its a kids movie, why does it even need to be critiqued? Unless it’s Yu Gi Oh, I have no qualms against kid movies but I am not going to generally enjoy them unless they have adult like material in them as well (aka Shrek).
3.) Its basic plot is just another twist on the story of Cinderella; I am so sick and tired of people trying to remake the story into how they want it to play out…it’s stupid!
And Michele lived depressingly ever after (after having to watch this movie)
THE END
Directed by Paul Bolger and Yvette Kaplan
Happily Always After
By Michele Dillon
Oh my goodness…why do I even have to review this movie? I think it is going to be pretty self explanatory that it is going to be a horrible movie because…
Things That Are Ironic/Dumb About This Movie
1.) It claims to not have a happy ending from the title…but it still has a happy ending.
2.) Sarah Michelle Gellar and Freddie Prinze Jr. play the two love interests (p.s. they are married in real life, just in case you didn’t know).
3.) Its a kids movie, why does it even need to be critiqued? Unless it’s Yu Gi Oh, I have no qualms against kid movies but I am not going to generally enjoy them unless they have adult like material in them as well (aka Shrek).
3.) Its basic plot is just another twist on the story of Cinderella; I am so sick and tired of people trying to remake the story into how they want it to play out…it’s stupid!
And Michele lived depressingly ever after (after having to watch this movie)
THE END
25th Worst Movie: Down To You
"Down To You"
Starring Julia Stiles, Freddie Prinze Jr. and Selma Blair
Directed by Kris Isaccsson
Down To The Nitty Gritty
Michele Dillon
In case you are on the edge of your seat wondering what the nitty gritty is, I will tell you: the nitty gritty is where I would rather have been than watching this movie. To have to watch a movie with Julia Stiles AND Freddie Prinze Jr., I didn’t think that I would survive, let alone be able to make it through the opening 15 minutes. I LOATHE Julia Stiles. Sometimes I sit up at night wondering how someone like her could have gotten in the acting business. Let’s look at the facts here. 1.) She can’t act, so logically you would think that she would have to be good looking, 2.) She is not good looking, so logically you would think she might have to have big boobs or a good body, 3.) She does not have big boobs or a nice body, so naturally you would think that if she doesn’t have those three things that there is only one option for her to have broken into the movie biz and that would be 4.) She slept with someone really powerful and that has a fetish for sleeping with girls with bags over their head.
Ok, ok, I will stop ragging on Julia Stiles for the moment and start talking about the movie itself. Um, no, in case you were wondering, I do NOT like it when actors talk directly into the camera as if they are telling the story to someone (not to be confused with documentary style sitcom filming of The Office or Parks and Recreation…completely different dynamic and works well). This was not done documentary style, it was done in the style of the director thinking “I don’t want to do voice over with two different people, and I don’t want to film scenes that we have to make lots of sets for so my only option is to put them both in front of the camera to talk for ¾ of the movie”. If you ever want to see someone barf into their own mouth, then you should have been there while I was watching this. The worst part is, the movie left a worst aftertaste in my mouth than the barfing did. I really don’t think anything else better than that can describe the train wreck that is this movie and everything about it so I think that I will leave you with that. I’m really sorry but the puke taste is coming back just thinking about it.
Starring Julia Stiles, Freddie Prinze Jr. and Selma Blair
Directed by Kris Isaccsson
Down To The Nitty Gritty
Michele Dillon
In case you are on the edge of your seat wondering what the nitty gritty is, I will tell you: the nitty gritty is where I would rather have been than watching this movie. To have to watch a movie with Julia Stiles AND Freddie Prinze Jr., I didn’t think that I would survive, let alone be able to make it through the opening 15 minutes. I LOATHE Julia Stiles. Sometimes I sit up at night wondering how someone like her could have gotten in the acting business. Let’s look at the facts here. 1.) She can’t act, so logically you would think that she would have to be good looking, 2.) She is not good looking, so logically you would think she might have to have big boobs or a good body, 3.) She does not have big boobs or a nice body, so naturally you would think that if she doesn’t have those three things that there is only one option for her to have broken into the movie biz and that would be 4.) She slept with someone really powerful and that has a fetish for sleeping with girls with bags over their head.
Ok, ok, I will stop ragging on Julia Stiles for the moment and start talking about the movie itself. Um, no, in case you were wondering, I do NOT like it when actors talk directly into the camera as if they are telling the story to someone (not to be confused with documentary style sitcom filming of The Office or Parks and Recreation…completely different dynamic and works well). This was not done documentary style, it was done in the style of the director thinking “I don’t want to do voice over with two different people, and I don’t want to film scenes that we have to make lots of sets for so my only option is to put them both in front of the camera to talk for ¾ of the movie”. If you ever want to see someone barf into their own mouth, then you should have been there while I was watching this. The worst part is, the movie left a worst aftertaste in my mouth than the barfing did. I really don’t think anything else better than that can describe the train wreck that is this movie and everything about it so I think that I will leave you with that. I’m really sorry but the puke taste is coming back just thinking about it.
26th Worst Movie: House of the Dead
“House of the Dead”
Starring Jonathan Cherry, Tyron Leitso and Clint Howard
Directed by Uwe Boll
House of the Dead Faces
By Michele Dillon
When I looked at this movie title, I almost forgot what movie this was. It was completely not memorable in any aspect. For the most part, the movie was funny…but I don’t think it meant to be. What was funny about it was that we are expected to believe that these teenagers who were going to a rave are just automatically bad-ass and they know how to use guns and do karate…it just didn’t seem plausible. On top of all that, the actors were hilarious. Trying to decipher which emotion they were trying to portray nearly took all my energy and I didn’t have time to pay attention to the plot. Or maybe, I just didn’t want to pay attention to the plot since it was lacking. Lacking a good script, lacking good actors, lacking a believable set and lacking anybody good looking (which is usually supposed to make up for the horrible horror movie you decided to watch).
If I am to watch a scary movie, I can usually except a few jumps here and there due to the unexpected events that occur. I don’t remember jumping once. So if this was supposed to be a scary movie, what did it have going for it? The fact that it has a creepy title? The really ugly but not realistic looking prosthetic zombie faces? I find it hard to believe that anyone in their right mind would think they could make this into something wonderful. But yet again, if your parents name you Uwe, you might be expected to not be in your right mind.
Starring Jonathan Cherry, Tyron Leitso and Clint Howard
Directed by Uwe Boll
House of the Dead Faces
By Michele Dillon
When I looked at this movie title, I almost forgot what movie this was. It was completely not memorable in any aspect. For the most part, the movie was funny…but I don’t think it meant to be. What was funny about it was that we are expected to believe that these teenagers who were going to a rave are just automatically bad-ass and they know how to use guns and do karate…it just didn’t seem plausible. On top of all that, the actors were hilarious. Trying to decipher which emotion they were trying to portray nearly took all my energy and I didn’t have time to pay attention to the plot. Or maybe, I just didn’t want to pay attention to the plot since it was lacking. Lacking a good script, lacking good actors, lacking a believable set and lacking anybody good looking (which is usually supposed to make up for the horrible horror movie you decided to watch).
If I am to watch a scary movie, I can usually except a few jumps here and there due to the unexpected events that occur. I don’t remember jumping once. So if this was supposed to be a scary movie, what did it have going for it? The fact that it has a creepy title? The really ugly but not realistic looking prosthetic zombie faces? I find it hard to believe that anyone in their right mind would think they could make this into something wonderful. But yet again, if your parents name you Uwe, you might be expected to not be in your right mind.
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