Worst of the Worst Movie Reviews

For Reasons Not Needing To Be Explained

2011-04-07T10:15:00.000-07:00

Well....it has come to the point where I have to admit I failed miserably at this blog idea. I continued on in my list and watched EVERY single bad movie listed but did not feel I had enough time (or motivation) to write any reviews on them. They were all so disgustingly bad anyway that anything I may have said would just make you think negatively for the rest of the day, and I just did not want to inflict that pain on whoever (meaning no one) reads my blog.
Also, I felt that I had spent valuable time posting many reviews that I felt my heart just wasnt in it and no one ever read them anyway. So without further ado, this blog is discontinued. Not because I am not awesome, because I totally am, but because you guys all suck and you didnt read it and give me the motivation/encouragement I needed to continue:).
Peace OUT!

21st Worst Movie: Bless the Child

2010-12-02T14:32:00.000-08:00

“Bless the Child” Starring Kim Basinger, Jimmy Smits and Rufus Sewell
Directed by Chuck Russell

Forgive Me Father, For I Have Sinned; It's Been 8 Days Since My Last Blog; Since Then, I Have Watched A Really Bad Movie...A Really Really Bad Movie
By Michele Dillon

Ahhh…Kim Basinger, my “favorite” actress in my “favorite” type of movie; horror/suspense/thriller/blah…a movie that does not know what type of movie it wants to be, if you will. Or a movie that tries to fit so many different ideas into one that it becomes un-comprehendible, if you will. Or a movie that is so horribly bad that I am really close to swearing off movies (I said CLOSE), if you will. I am beginning to think that I am a really negative person, and I am not sure if it came about from having to watch so many of these horrible movies or if its always been lingering there, waiting for me to pounce on the next easy target that came my way; that easy target being, almost every single movie on this list. Ok so here comes the part of the review where I actually have to review the movie (because if I dont, then this really wouldnt be a movie review blog...scowl).

The premise (or stupidest idea ever) of the movie is this one woman (Kim Basinger) who has a horrible sister who has a baby and a drug problem. She ditches the baby at her sister's house and so it comes to be that the woman raises her sister's child. But then some odd years later, the sister is back in the picture but she has this awful new husband who wants to take custody of the child and since technically…she is still her child, there is nothing Kim can really do…except, wait for it, fight to the death (not really) to keep the child away from the evil parents (something to do with the devil…and some kind of cult of missing children…blah, blah, blah). Are you still paying attention? Really you are? That was a bad decision on your part because you could have stopped reading at the first sentence and yet you still kept reading…maybe thinking that it was going to get better, or that I was going to make some kind of really funny joke? Well you have been failed on both parts and I only partially feel bad for you. You really should have stopped reading at the moment you saw that Kim Basinger was starring in this movie…I would have forgave you, I really would have.

22nd Worst Movie: Son of the Mask

2010-11-24T14:37:00.000-08:00

“Son of the Mask” Starring Jamie Kennedy, Alan Cumming and Traylor Howard
Directed by Lawrence Guterman

Son of the Boring Movie That Never Ends
By Michele Dillon

I don’t remember ever feeling the need for them to make a sequel to the movie The Mask, especially not one that doesn’t include Jim Carrey (the person who carried the original movie). I don’t even know if this can technically qualify as a sequel since really the only idea that they took from the original was the whole “mask turns you into evil/crazy type thing”. Everything else was an over abundance of unnecessary plot lines. I guess that is what you can expect from the same director of Cats and Dogs. After researching him on IMDB, I came to discover that Son of the Mask was only his fourth directed movie (and his last since 2005). Poor Lawrence, production companies probably stopped taking a leap of faith for him after this movie probably tanked. I can only imagine it did, although I did not look up the specific numbers.

I’m really surprised that Jaime Kennedy is even still an actor since he can’t, well, act. I can say that he does better with comedy than drama but not by much. I know that I speak more of the actors and the directors and the screenplay more than I do about the actual movie itself, but really when you are watching a movie this horrific, that’s all you can do. You can’t really look at the cinematography or the special effects or any of those sorts of things because they are practically non existent. I am trying my hardest here to actually like ONE of these movies. So far I believe the count is 2/78 watched so far…give or take. I really don’t think those are good odds unless the last 21 movies end up being amazing…I’ll keep you posted.

23rd Worst Movie: Fear Dot Com

2010-11-23T12:29:00.000-08:00

“Fear Dot Com” Starring Stephen Dorff, Stephen Rea and Natasha McElhone
Directed by William Malone

Fear Dot Wrong
By Michele Dillon

I don’t think that it’s a coincidence that most of the movies on this list are scary/horror movies. The reason for that being 1.) They are way over made (seriously, think of something else Hollywood!) and 2.) Rarely is enough time spent on the storyline and the script, it’s like they feel that as long as they can make people jump, we won’t realize that none of the movie makes sense. Well guess what? *I* do! If not anyone else out there who pays attention to the plot and how it connects (or disconnects in most cases) then there is at least me. Yes, this may get me to be deemed as overly critical or “lame” but what is a girl to do with her time, other than rethink and rethink the plot of a movie right after she has watched it? I am a little crazy, I will admit that, not everyone really cares about all the miniscule things that I do when it comes to movies (such as that person is wearing a different shirt in the same scene), but really, there are some things that are so blatantly forgotten that I wonder how other people do not pick up on it (or care about it at least). To get on with the actual review of the movie, I guess we will first need to pick apart the very essence of the idea (if you even want to call it that). The premise of this movie is that people are dying because they logged on to a certain website (feardotcom.com), and Stephen Dorff (Detective Mike Reilly) must discover the reason why. Hmm, sounds promising, except for the fact that it doesn’t. I may not be the smartest tool in the shed, but this movie isn’t supposed to be considered fantasy, it’s horror, so in my opinion it must be believable in some aspect, which it is not…unless any time soon I may possibly die because I logged into amazon.com. Seriously? THIS is what is passing for entertainment? First of all, when is the last time that you have ever considered Dorff to be something of a good actor? And second of all, why did I watch this? Why did ANYONE watch this? Why did this come to the theatres at all? I am just dumbfounded by what passes as a movie then and even now (seeming how Hollywood has only produced one original movie idea-Inception-this whole entire year, everything else has been a remake of an old film, a remake of a foreign film or an adaptation from book to movie, or an adaptation from comic book to movie…well you get the idea). Anyway, I think it is pretty clear that this movie did not cut it in my opinion. Can we move on?

24th Worst Movie: Happily N’Ever After

2010-09-15T12:32:00.000-07:00

“Happily N’Ever After” Starring Sarah Michelle Gellar, Freddie Prinze Jr. and George Carlin
Directed by Paul Bolger and Yvette Kaplan

Happily Always After
By Michele Dillon

Oh my goodness…why do I even have to review this movie? I think it is going to be pretty self explanatory that it is going to be a horrible movie because…

Things That Are Ironic/Dumb About This Movie

1.) It claims to not have a happy ending from the title…but it still has a happy ending.
2.) Sarah Michelle Gellar and Freddie Prinze Jr. play the two love interests (p.s. they are married in real life, just in case you didn’t know).
3.) Its a kids movie, why does it even need to be critiqued? Unless it’s Yu Gi Oh, I have no qualms against kid movies but I am not going to generally enjoy them unless they have adult like material in them as well (aka Shrek).
3.) Its basic plot is just another twist on the story of Cinderella; I am so sick and tired of people trying to remake the story into how they want it to play out…it’s stupid!

And Michele lived depressingly ever after (after having to watch this movie)
THE END

25th Worst Movie: Down To You

2010-09-15T12:29:00.000-07:00

"Down To You"
Starring Julia Stiles, Freddie Prinze Jr. and Selma Blair
Directed by Kris Isaccsson

Down To The Nitty Gritty
Michele Dillon

In case you are on the edge of your seat wondering what the nitty gritty is, I will tell you: the nitty gritty is where I would rather have been than watching this movie. To have to watch a movie with Julia Stiles AND Freddie Prinze Jr., I didn’t think that I would survive, let alone be able to make it through the opening 15 minutes. I LOATHE Julia Stiles. Sometimes I sit up at night wondering how someone like her could have gotten in the acting business. Let’s look at the facts here. 1.) She can’t act, so logically you would think that she would have to be good looking, 2.) She is not good looking, so logically you would think she might have to have big boobs or a good body, 3.) She does not have big boobs or a nice body, so naturally you would think that if she doesn’t have those three things that there is only one option for her to have broken into the movie biz and that would be 4.) She slept with someone really powerful and that has a fetish for sleeping with girls with bags over their head.

Ok, ok, I will stop ragging on Julia Stiles for the moment and start talking about the movie itself. Um, no, in case you were wondering, I do NOT like it when actors talk directly into the camera as if they are telling the story to someone (not to be confused with documentary style sitcom filming of The Office or Parks and Recreation…completely different dynamic and works well). This was not done documentary style, it was done in the style of the director thinking “I don’t want to do voice over with two different people, and I don’t want to film scenes that we have to make lots of sets for so my only option is to put them both in front of the camera to talk for ¾ of the movie”. If you ever want to see someone barf into their own mouth, then you should have been there while I was watching this. The worst part is, the movie left a worst aftertaste in my mouth than the barfing did. I really don’t think anything else better than that can describe the train wreck that is this movie and everything about it so I think that I will leave you with that. I’m really sorry but the puke taste is coming back just thinking about it.

26th Worst Movie: House of the Dead

2010-09-15T12:25:00.000-07:00

“House of the Dead”
Starring Jonathan Cherry, Tyron Leitso and Clint Howard
Directed by Uwe Boll

House of the Dead Faces
By Michele Dillon

When I looked at this movie title, I almost forgot what movie this was. It was completely not memorable in any aspect. For the most part, the movie was funny…but I don’t think it meant to be. What was funny about it was that we are expected to believe that these teenagers who were going to a rave are just automatically bad-ass and they know how to use guns and do karate…it just didn’t seem plausible. On top of all that, the actors were hilarious. Trying to decipher which emotion they were trying to portray nearly took all my energy and I didn’t have time to pay attention to the plot. Or maybe, I just didn’t want to pay attention to the plot since it was lacking. Lacking a good script, lacking good actors, lacking a believable set and lacking anybody good looking (which is usually supposed to make up for the horrible horror movie you decided to watch).

If I am to watch a scary movie, I can usually except a few jumps here and there due to the unexpected events that occur. I don’t remember jumping once. So if this was supposed to be a scary movie, what did it have going for it? The fact that it has a creepy title? The really ugly but not realistic looking prosthetic zombie faces? I find it hard to believe that anyone in their right mind would think they could make this into something wonderful. But yet again, if your parents name you Uwe, you might be expected to not be in your right mind.

27th Worst Movie: The In Crowd

2010-09-15T12:11:00.000-07:00

"The In Crowd"
Starring Susan Ward, Lori Heuring and Matthew Settle
Directed by Mary Lambert

The Lame Crowd
By Michele Dillon

It seems like this movie could have had a lot of potential. If they just tweaked the script a little, recast all the actors, possibly found a different director and made it a high budget film…it probably could have been a flop in the box office instead of a flop on the straight to DVD. Actually, I am really not sure if this movie came to theatres since it was a while ago that it was made but I can’t imagine that this would have made it to the big screen. But who knows, they bring lots of horrible movies to the big screen and nominate the horrible actors for Oscars from them all the time (Happy Go Lucky anyone?).

Let’s just go right into it. A girl who has had some psychiatric problems is allowed to work at a high class country club in order to get her life back in order. She starts to become friends with the most popular girl from the country club until things turn for the nasty. She discovers secrets about the girl, secrets that could mean there was a murder that happened in the town that no one even knows about. Oooo, suspenseful right? Not really, they spent so much time drawing out scenes that were unnecessary and trying to build suspense in places that it made no sense that by the time anything was revealed that was supposed to be a shock, it wasn’t. I watch enough movies to pay attention to foreshadowing. In this movie, I don’t even think you could call it that because you saw everything coming from 50 miles away (now, that’s good eyesight). I just don’t know how else to explain this movie, other than “it was lame”.

28th Worst Movie: Darkness

2010-09-15T12:06:00.000-07:00

“Darkness” Starring Anna Paquin, Lena Olin and Iain Glen
Directed by Jaume Balaguero

I Want To Be Back In The Light
By Michele Dillon

I came to a realization during this movie: Anna Paquin can’t act! I never really noticed it before because she has only been a few movies that I have enjoyed and those all include the X-Men series. I just thought that everybody in that movie was having a bad acting experience because those types of movies are really just focused on the action rather than anything else and if they are pulled off right then it doesn’t matter. But put Anna Paquin in a non action movie with a really bad script, and you can totally see her dreadful acting.

It took this movie a long time to get started. There would be a normal scene and Paquin would be talking about how she thinks something weird is going on and then there would be a flash of a kid standing in the dark and then it would move on. Then it would almost repeat the same scene again but nothing major would happen. Then in the last 15 minutes everything happened in full speed and I was on the edge of my seat…ready to turn the DVD off. I’m a pretty easily scared person. I am actually pretty certain that if I were to star in a scary movie, there would be no need for fake screaming. However, this movie was very likely one of the un-scariest movies I have ever seen.

The story of the movie is this family that moves to Spain (for a reason that was never explained). Once they are moved in, weird things start to happen. Paquin’s little brother wakes up with bruises on his body and her dad starts up with his fits again (something called Harrington syndrome which they thought he was cured). Whenever Paquin tells her mother about these things, she just dismisses it and tells her it’s nothing to worry about (since when did a mother never care that her own son has bruises all over himself?). Paquin takes things in her own hands and researches the history of the house along with a friend of hers. She finds out that 40 years ago some kind of occult was happening and 7 children had gone missing and were never found. I don’t want to give away any more of the movie because it was just too amazing and I want you to find out for yourself (looks like I could be in a movie about sarcasm too!)

29th Worst Movie: My Baby’s Daddy

2010-09-15T07:06:00.000-07:00

“My Baby’s Daddy” Starring Eddie Griffin, Anthony Anderson and Michael Imperioli
Directed by Cheryl Dunye

My Baby’s Really Horrible Daddy
By Michele Dillon

This movie was so bad that I was really dreading writing this blog. I kept thinking that I could ignore it but then realized that if I don’t post this one than I won’t get to post the movie next in line and then I will never finish this blog ever. I’m mostly finishing this for my own sake. There isn’t anyone hanging on my every word or anything, but I feel like I put myself through watching all these horrible movies that I have to actually follow through with it. This movie is a case in example of how horrified I would feel if I watched it for no reason. Why else would I put myself through it? For one thing, I am so sick of Anthony Anderson that if I see him in one more movie, I might have to track him down and cut his tongue out so he may never speak let only act again. What is with his high pitched voice? It’s always got a tinge of annoyance in it, like he is going to complain about something so you better get ready. It’s no mistake that he was in a lot of movies on this Worst list. He is one of the WORST actors ever. How he was allowed to be a part of a Law and Order series, I will never know.

So do I really have to talk about this movie? I feel like any more of my involvement may lead to me disliking all future movies I may watch. But oh all right, I guess if I am supposed to review it, I’ll spew my ghastly opinion of this movie…I’ll vomit the words right on to the page.

This movie was about three friends who are in their 30’s (that’s being kind) who still live with one of their family members and have parties all the time and treat women like they are just pieces of ass/meat (to be fair, the women let them, but very unbelievably because these men are not good looking in the least). All three of them manage to impregnate the women that they have in their lives at the time, all at the same time. So now (supposedly) they are supposed to grow up and be dads. But predictably, they are horrible at it and they are still just selfish men who want to do whatever they want. As the movies progresses, of course, they start to learn lessons, go through very unfunny (but I’m assuming they are supposed to be funny) situations with the baby and in the end understand what it means to be a father (unsurprisingly).

I don’t understand where the humor was supposed to be anywhere in this film. I did not laugh once. I cringed about a thousand times. I wanted to pee my pants from the idiocy. Never once have I ever felt the urge to pee because of senselessness…not once. I didn’t even think it was possible and I don’t even know what it means; I just know that my bladder was so compelled to be away from this movie that it felt the need to become full so as to make me leave the room for even just one blissful minute. I did not feel the need to press pause because I knew where the movie was going and I didn’t like it. I did, however, feel the need to press stop the second the screen turned black for the credits to roll.

30th Worst Movie: The Mod Squad

2010-07-12T11:15:00.000-07:00

“The Mod Squad” Starring Claire Danes, Giovanni Ribisi and Omar Epps
Directed by Scott Silver

The Moderately Ok
By Michele Dillon

I have to admit that I am not quite sure why this movie is so far down on the list and so close to being deemed as bad as BloodRayne! I will say that it is not nearly as bad as BloodRayne but cannot be taken off the list entirely…it should be correctly placed somewhere near Catwoman, which really…even though is much higher on the list, who wants to be next to Catwoman?

It seems like this same plotline comes back around about every 10 years but just slightly different. Three teens who are constantly getting into trouble, but are really good at getting away with it, get arrested by a cop who decides to give them a second chance…he hires them to be “undercover type” cops to try and get to a much bigger problem in the city. They have to do this for a certain amount of time and then there records will be expunged. What seems like an excellent and easy way to get out of jail for the three teens quickly turns into something bigger when their father figure cop gets murdered and it seems to be a cover up. So as to not divulge any further secrets of the movie, I will not describe the plot any further but will explain, in my opinion, that it was decent. Decent in the only way a movie on the worst list can be.

Claire Danes was a 90’s favorite teen actress but since has seemed to disappear from the map entirely. Which is a shame because she was just starting to get semi-good at the art of acting. Another 10 years on her belt and she might have even been considered a great actress. I could say that my love for Giovanni Ribisi made it easier to enjoy the movie, which could be true on some level but I also know that Giovanni is into scientology so a movie that is bad cannot be overlooked even though I think he is amazing. Omar Epps can just stop acting as of this moment for all I care because he has never made me believe his character in anything I’ve seen him in and it seems like he just plays the same one every time anyway…a dick.

So that pretty much sums up The Mod Squad…I just realized that I didn’t make any witty comments throughout the entire review…I must be losing my touch.

Monkey Balls!! (Was that better?)

31st Worst Movie: Soul Survivors

2010-06-25T12:22:00.000-07:00

“Soul Survivors” Starring Melissa Sagemiller, Casey Affleck and Eliza Dushku
Directed by Stephen Carpenter

Right now I am only about 15 minutes into this movie and I am already asking myself, why the hell am I watching this? Also, another thought that is crossing my mind is that Eliza Dushku only plays stupid sluts in all her movies….but that’s another review all together (not to be completely ruled out to make fun of later in this review however).

I’m deciding whether or not I want to write a play by play assessment of this movie but it is so freaking boring that I don’t even know if I could write that much stuff about it other than 500 ways to say that “this is so dumb”.

Do you want to even know what this movie is about? Ok, I will tell you. It starts out with these weird guys in masks who are killing. Then it goes to these teenagers who are going off to college and they are partying on their last night. Then they are driving and I am sure they are drunk and they get into an accident and one of them dies and then from there the movie is just weird and I don’t even understand the point. The one thing that does stick out however, throughout the entire movie, Melissa’s character is running in every scene. And let me tell you, she does not run very well either. Kind of like a chicken with its head cut off. I didn’t start to notice it until about 30 minutes into the movie; otherwise I would have made a tally of how many times she ran. It wasn’t even at times she really needed to run. One scene, she is running to catch up with her friend after class (not necessary), another scene she is running for no apparent reason that I could even see (not necessary), and another scene she is running away from people chasing her (OK, I would say, that one was necessary). So really, this movie should have been called “Sole Survivors” cause I was so distracted by all the running that I didn’t even understand the ending…or is it that the ending just didn’t make sense? It could be either one or both…I guess we will never know.

32nd Worst Movie: BloodRayne

2010-06-25T12:21:00.001-07:00

“BloodRayne” Starring Kristanna Loken, Michael Madsen and Matthew Davis
Directed by Uwe Boll

Bloody Hell
By Michele Dillon

One word can be used to describe this movie…one word only….DISGUSTING!

33rd Worst Movie: Texas Rangers

2010-06-23T12:30:00.000-07:00

“Texas Rangers” Starring James Van Der Beek, Rachael Leigh Cook and Ashton Kutcher
Directed by Steve Miner

Texas Whiners
By Michele Dillon

I thought that this movie might not be too bad because I really like Rachael Leigh Cook, however, come to find out, she was only in the movie for like 4 minutes total. And for the rest of the 86 minutes I had to watch Ashton Kutchur (before he discovered that he can act without shouting) and James Van Der Beek (which frankly, I will never understand how he became an actor…especially with that horrible hair) attempt to be believable as country men who become rangers (or cops on horses, if you will).

I don’t even want to attempt to explain the plot of this movie because there really wasn’t one. Other than shooting and missing shooting and than the person who was the worst shooter ends up being the best and taking over for the dying captain…or whatever. Bore fest! I want to be able to say that more than one of these movies don’t belong on this list, but so far I’ve only been able to name one (The Skulls). So since this movie was so boring I am just going to make a list of James Van Der Beek movies and than rate them cause that sounds more fun/interesting right now than talking about this movie (SHUT UP! I can do what I want!).

James Van Der Beek Movies

1.) Varsity Blues: 2/5
2.) Texas Rangers: 1/5
3.) The Rules of Attraction: 1/5
4.) How I Met Your Mother: 5/5 (Yes, not a movie…but I have to say this is the only thing I have seen him in where I thought he did a good job)

34th Worst Movie: Because I Said So

2010-06-22T12:23:00.001-07:00

“Because I Said So” Starring Mandy Moore, Diane Keaton and Lauren Graham
Directed by Michael Lehmann

Because I Killed Myself
By Michele Dillon

(You guys may be wondering why there is a big blank space above this…it is because; as you can see from the title of this review…I killed myself. I was able to get my ghost to reincarnate herself into an animate object so she should type this portion (you may also be wondering why if its my ghost writing this, why is she taking in first person like its actually me…we will get to that later). So it is now, where I will tell you the story of why I killed myself. It should be pretty obvious if you have even attempted to watch this movie, I can’t think of anyone in their right mind who would ever voluntarily put themselves through watching this movie in full (well besides me of course). So in memory of myself, I am going to make one of my famous lists…

Lists Of Reasons Why I Felt The Need To Kill Myself (Even Though I Had A Really Good Long Life Ahead Of Me….And I Was Pretty Sure I Was Gonna Be Really Rich And Famous…And Pretty….Oooh, Oooh And Famous…Oh Wait I Already Said That)

1.) Diane Keaton’s voice and her constant complaining!
2.) Mandy Moore…that’s it…just Mandy Moore…does anyone really need a specific reason to not like Mandy Moore? (Just in case you do, I will give you one…she can’t act)
3.) The horrible….barf in my own mouth…script! I do not understand! How do these people look at these scripts and think “This will be an amazing movie! And you know what would make it even more amazing? If we casted horrible actors!”(Diana Keaton would probably be the only actress in this movie that is not horrible but just ended up doing a horrible job in the movie)
4.) The premise of the movie was about a mom who wanted to hook up her daughter with someone so she posted an ad online and behind the daughter’s back would hold the meetings with them and have them pretend to go meet her on accident…what kind of daughter loving mother would do that?! (Kind of like, what life loving bee would sting you? Which by the way, did you know that Wasps don’t die after they sting you? And they are the huge scary ones! What kind of stupid messed up sh** is that?)
5.) I could go on to write down every single director, producer, actor, co-producer, writer, co-writer of this movie but my ghost really does not have much more time left…a rhinoceros probably wasn’t the best thing to come back as…they have borderline ADD and I am really wondering how she was even able to type this with their gigantic feet/hands/paws…whatever you call them.

Oh and remember when I said I was going to tell you why if it’s my ghost writing this, why is she taking in first person like it’s actually me? Well here is why…

…because I said so.

35th Worst Movie: The Perfect Man

2010-06-22T12:19:00.000-07:00

“The Perfect Man” Starring Hilary Duff, Heather Locklear and Chris North
Directed by Mark Rosman

“The Imperfect Hilary Duff”
By Michele Dillon

Picture this: Hilary Duff’s voice. Now picture this: Hilary Duff’s voice for 1 ½ hours straight (not even blocked out by other actors because she was in almost every scene). Now I am not going to say that there is some kind of pattern here, but it does seem kind of odd that there are at least three movies (The Perfect Man, Cheaper By the Dozen 2, Material Girls) that Hilary Duff has been in that are on this Worst Movie List. I am pretty sure that if they made a Worst CD List, for some odd reason Hilary Duff would be on that as well…but once again, no pattern whatsoever that I am seeing here…mere coincidences. In order for you to understand the pain that I had to endure while watching this movie, I am going to make a list of things that Hilary Duff’s character (which by the way, is always the same in all her movies so they should really just name her Hilary) did during this movie that made it completely horrible, predictable and also very unlikely.

1.) She was writing a blog (uh, hello…since when could Hilary Duff write OR read for that matter…it’s a well known fact that people have to feed the lines to her because she cannot do these things)
2.) We are supposed to believe that she is cute enough to get a good looking guy to like her within the first two seconds of meeting her and then after meeting her, when she opens her mouth and talks, he is not disgusted and he keeps talking to her…eww
3.) Her character is trying to make her mom happy by creating a non-existent guy and making her believe that he is real and that he actually wants to be with her (how would that make her happy again Hilary? Where was the sensitive thought in this?)
4.) During the movie, while she is trying to make her mom believe this guy is real, she does numerous horrible things such as:
a. In order to ensure that her mom does not meet the guy who she is trying to make her mom believe likes her, she puts a match to the sprinklers to make them go off in his restaurant, which would completely ruin the entire restaurant and let’s just hope that this guy has insurance for that…otherwise he is screwed
b. She barges in on a wedding, makes the bride think that her soon to be husband cheated on her, so she punches him, but really nothing like that happened so she basically ruined this woman’s wedding
5.) Has anyone ever noticed that before Hilary Duff got horrible horse teeth and lost all that weight that she had a really tiny bubble butt? Yes, this has nothing to do with the movie (or really her teeth, I just wanted to mention the horse teeth) but it was something that I noticed while watching it so I thought I should bring it up.

So really, that is all I have to say about this Perfect Barf-fest, if you have any further questions about my hatred for Hilary Duff, I will be happy to answer them.

36th Worst Movie: Serving Sara

2010-06-22T12:17:00.000-07:00

“Serving Sara’ Starring Matthew Perry, Elizabeth Hurley and Vincent Pastore
Directed by Reginald Hudlin

Serving Crap
By Michele Dillon

Ok, so the movie wasn’t THAT bad but I was pretty un-entertained during the whole thing. Elizabeth Hurley may be good looking but I have yet to see her do that great of an acting job. I am a big fan of the movie Bedazzled but that is mostly because of the story because Brendan Fraser is in that movie as well and no one has ever mistaken him for winning an Oscar…

Since I am in a lazy mood, I am going to make one of my infamous lists to explain what was bad about the movie:

1.) Matthew Perry stuck his hand up a cow’s butt (why do I see a pattern of movies being on this list where someone’s hand goes up a cow’s butt, in example: Say It Isn’t So, maybe that should be a clue that people don’t like to see that)
2.) Elizabeth Hurley trying to spit out words that sound only a little like English (since her accent is so thick, you can barely understand her, yes I know that English is her actual language but it doesn’t seem like it)
3.) Elizabeth Hurley wearing a totally uncoordinated short skirt with a cowboy hat, yes I know, that for most people this is not bad but I think the director forgot that when this movie was made, Hurley was in her 40’s and should not be wear little girl skirts…sorry.
4.) The overall storyline and that it seemed like the screen writer was purposely making it suck.

And th...tha....that's all folks!

37th Worst Movie: Corky Romano

2010-06-22T12:14:00.000-07:00

“Corky Romano” Starring Chris Kattan, Vinessa Shaw and Peter Falk
Directed by Robb Pritts

Corky Ain’t No Ray
By Michele Dillon

I can honestly say I thought this movie would be a lot worse than it actually was. I am a fan of Chris Kattan, but only as part of SNL (before you get all mad, Night at the Roxbury was an SNL production based off of SNL characters so I still considered that SNL). I don’t think he should ever have left the show…was that to start a movie career? Because if it was, then it was a horrible decision.

So Corky Romano is in a family who is part of the mob but he was disowned a long time ago since he wanted to be a veterinarian. He gets brought back into the business when his family wants to use him to infiltrate the FBI in order to get back some incriminating evidence (Corky is the only one in the family who is not recognized by the FBI). Since Corky is such an all around doofus and klutz, this becomes difficult….forming what this director/production company thought was a funny and amazing plot. I can admit that I may have had a half of a smile on through about 4 minutes of the movie and that the plot wasn’t amazing but it had potential…I definitely do not name this as the worst movie I have watched out of the bunch so far based solely on the fact that Kattan has comedic chops that cannot be denied.

I tried really hard to think of anything else to say about this movie, but I must be off my game…nothing comes to mind other than MANGO!!

38th Worst Movie: Swept Away

2010-06-21T15:17:00.001-07:00

“Swept Away” Starring Madonna
Directed by Guy Ritchie

As I Crept Away…
By Michele Dillon

I had a very similar experience watching this movie as I did the movie Glitter. Now I know, this was not Madonna’s first movie and that she wowed everyone in Evita, but that does not mean that she is or ever will be a professional actress. I would give her the tip of “stick to your day job”…but her day job is singing and I am not a big fan of that either. I wonder what this woman could be really talented at but just hasn’t given it a shot yet. I will make that my next life goal, to find this out for her…but I it will have to be moved to the bottom of the list because I have way too many other things to worry about right now…one of them being, that I still have very many more movies to watch and I don’t find myself enjoying them any more as the months go on.

So I was actually more disgusted by the plot of this movie then by any of the acting or anything else for that matter. The concept was this; Madonna is this rich snob (which was very believable but I’m sure there was no strain needed for that) who goes on a boat trip cruise with her husband and four of her friends. The cruise ends up being not up to her desires so she decides to berate the crew and the captain and make them feel like pieces of shit the entire time. She particularly enjoys picking on one of the Italian crew members and calls him Pee-Pee the whole time instead of Pepe. One day on the cruise, Madonna (which it’s really sad that I cannot even remember her characters name, that’s how non- invested I was) has Pepe take her in a motorized boat to shore so she can join her husband in exploring a cave. As any person who can predict the plots of bad movies, which I have started to become really good at, the next thing that happened was very foreseeable, the motor on the boat dies in the middle of the ocean and they have no rows so they are forced to wait for someone to find them. Days go by and no one finds them, but for some reason my hope for them still lingered…only to be dashed by the boat sinking and them washing up on a deserted island. This is where the plot got gross, weird and completely unwatchable. It becomes clear on the island that Madonna, being the rich snob that she is, cannot fend for herself. She cannot find shelter, food or even water. But of course, Pepe can because he is handyman of sorts. As soon as he sees Madonna’s weakness that she cannot provide for herself, he turns the table on her and forces her to live by his rules if she wants to eat and drink and be happy. He calls her names, he hits her, and he orders her around to no end only to wait for her to think she can start eating but then demand her to do something else first. This goes on for quite awhile. Then there is one scene where it looks like he might end up raping her. He gets her all the way stripped down (and no, for anyone who thinks Madonna is a MILF, I didn’t see anything) but then he spits in her face and says “No, I will wait for you to fall in love with me”. By this point, I was completely disgusted…I couldn’t comprehend what was going to happen next…Madonna actually falls in love with the horrible guy. At first, it seems as she is just faking it so she can eat and drink water when she wants but as it progresses it becomes clear that no, we are to believe that she has fallen in love with this Italian creep. Then the rest of the movie, which seemed like it was longer than King Kong the remake, is about their disgusting yucky relationship and right when you think you cannot handle it anymore, they are rescued and Madonna goes back to her old way of life and he goes back to his…it was about the dumbest idea that I could have ever encountered in my life…I don’t understand why Guy Ritchie would let this movie come to life just to showcase his wife…it totally made me want to rethink whether or not I even liked the movie Snatch…which was very difficult because damn, that is a good movie…but anyway, there you have it. I realize this is probably the first time I have ever gone into such detail about the plot, and left most of my jokes out the window, but I really was dumbfounded by the movie and wanted everyone to understand how this movie made me feel afterwards, which was dirty and empty inside…I was almost considering watching a movie with Hilary Duff in it, just so I could understand the meaning of sweet, innocent (however, annoying) people again…ALMOST.

39th Worst Movie: Code Name: The Cleaner

2010-06-21T15:11:00.000-07:00

“Code Name: The Cleaner”
Starring Cedric the Entertainer, Lucy Liu and Nicolette Sheridan
Directed by Les Mayfield

Nickname: The Spleener
By Michele Dillon

Only because about 1.5 of you understands my humor, so I will explain…the title of this review is supposed to symbolize that this movie was so bad, it ripped out my spleen. I know…pretty much the best one I have come up with yet.

I am pretty sure 1.5, if not all of you, know how much I do not enjoy Cedric the Entertainer…at the very least his name should be changed to Cedric: The Terminator of All Things Considered Funny. Maybe this goes back to my “this just isn’t my type of humor kind of thing”, but I would really hate to think that there is someone out there who really enjoyed this movie. Thought it was OK, maybe, LOVED IT, let’s hope not. Let’s play Would You Rather. Would you rather watch a movie with Cedric the Entertainer in it for the rest of your life or watch a movie with Hilary Duff in it for the rest of your life. My answer would be “I would rather gouge my eyeballs out, Alex”.

If I am going to publicly acknowledge this movie as bad, I should probably explain what the so called “plot” was about. Cedric wakes up with amnesia in a hotel with a dead FBI agent and a briefcase full of cash. This leads him to believe he is in the CIA and that something went wrong in his investigation….naturally. It basically is trying to spoof Bourne Identity the whole time but in a really bad way. So Cedric goes about half the movie not remembering anything but making up this double life for himself where he is some kind of respected spy but come to realize that he is actually a janitor who just got involved in something really bad. Ooops, I hope I didn’t wreck it for you…even though I was able to figure out what was going on about 2 minutes into the movie anyway so I’m sure you will be fine if you actually wanted to consider watching this.

I can’t really think of much else to say about this movie, other than list 3 things I would rather have been doing than watching it…

1.) Scrubbing a toilet in a male prison
2.) Plucking out my leg hairs individually
3.) Rubbing someone’s feet that has fungus

40th Worst Movie: Big Momma’s House 2

2010-06-04T12:35:00.000-07:00

“Big Momma’s House 2” Starring Martin Lawrence, Nia Long and Zachary Levi
Directed by John Whitesell

You’re Momma Is So Big…
By Michele Dillon

If anyone asked me 23 years ago, right when I popped out of my momma’s womb, whether I could have ever pictured myself watching a man in a fat suit and consider it funny, I would have said “WAAAA!!!” because come on now, I’m still a baby, that’s all I know how to say, but it would be portraying my sentiments exactly. Was there some part of my life I missed out on and I am the only one who thinks movies like this are not funny? It sure does seem like they make a lot of them if no one thinks they are funny. I will have to admit that it was way better than Norbit…by miles and miles…but that is really not saying much.

So summarized plot line of the story is Martin Lawrence is a cop, he wants to work on a case that he is not getting assigned so…naturally he dresses up as a big fat lady and becomes the in home nanny at the home they are investigating. That would have been my first suggestion as well…anyway things transpire and *SPOILER ALERT* eventually everything works out. I really wish there was something more exciting to talk about this movie but really there isn’t. Except that I could mention my favorite child star was in it as one of the little kids (Chloe Moretz Grace from Kick Ass). That’s about it…don’t know if you were ever planning on watching this movie but I will say that I wasn’t horrified about how bad it was, it just wasn’t really worth 1 ½ hours of my time.

41st Worst Movie: Supercross

2010-06-04T12:31:00.000-07:00

“Supercross” Starring Steve Howey, Mike Vogel and Sophia Bush
Directed by Steve Boyum

Super Dense
By Michele Dillon

This is going to be difficult but…I’m sorry Steve Howey, but I just have to come right out and say it, you were only good in Reba and you cannot do drama very well. I guess that wasn’t as hard as I thought it was going to be (that’s what she said). Anyway, if I broke this movie down by its plot and its acting, really it wouldn’t be that bad. But put it all together and it…well, is. Maybe I am just too cynical of sports type movies but I think that they really get off too easy (that’s what she said). I mean, everybody just accepts that the plot of the movie is going to be bad, but they don’t care because it’s going to have sports in it. I think that is ridiculous! I don’t think that a movie should be allowed to get made unless it actually has the full package; acting, a good script; and a bad ass director who can make it all come together. What is with our general acceptance of how some movies are just meant to be bad and we are just supposed to deal with it? The three main genres that get away with this are horror, dance movies and sports movies. Someone has got to put an end to it! When will we finally stand up for ourselves and say: “WE WANT TO WATCH MOVIES ABOUT SPORTS AND NOT HAVE OUR IQ DROP 10 POINTS AT THE SAME TIME!”? What is so hard about making a movie like “The Blindside” or “Remember the Titans”? Those movies were able to integrate sports WITH good acting and plots.

Anyway, that is really all I have to say about this movie…which if I look back on it, really isn’t much about the movie at all but just about bad movies in general. I really do have a new found respect for half way decent movies now because I know that there are a lot of much more horrible movies out there that I have unfortunately had the opportunity to watch.

42nd Worst Movie: The Fog

2010-06-04T12:28:00.000-07:00

“The Fog” Starring Tom Welling, Maggie Grace and Selma Blair
Directed by Rupert Wainwright

The Mist: From The Tears Rolling Down My Face
By Michele Dillon

I can say that I have seen this movie before and I am really embarrassed to admit that it was in the theatre. I don’t really know what my thinking was at the time, other than me and my friend Stephanie used to go and watch scary movies when they first came out, no matter how bad they looked. I do remember that we left the theatre completely exhausted…from all the laughing. Between Selma Blair doing her fake sexy voice as a radio VJ and the THUMP THUMP THUMP to let you know when the fog was coming, it was a regular ole comedy up in there! Don’t even get me started on the ending!

Ok…well since you asked. So basically this old town is being haunted by fog. When the fog comes so does this old pirate boat that nobody sees (but we, as moviegoers were able too see it) and the pirate people get out of the boat and attack everybody in the town. Blah blah blah, yadda yadda yadda…and THEN as if THAT wasn’t enough-this girl decides that she is going to research the weird happenings going on. She keeps getting dreams like she’s from the olden days. Pretty much, stuff happens, and then a small group of people realize that the old invisible pirate people are actually the ghosts of people who had come to that town a long time ago and made a deal with the townspeople. The townspeople decided to take the deal but then kill off the pirate people by burning them in their boat. Now the pirate people are coming back to kill off every family member who was a part of that olden day pact. But get this, one of the pirate persons that were killed, looks just like the real girl who was investigating this whole thing. And this is the ending you have all been waiting for, she can see the invisible pirate people and so she walks up to her old ghost lover and kisses him and then SHE becomes a ghost? Are you completely confused? Yeah…basically there wasn’t any other better way to explain that where you weren’t going to be confused because that is like VERBATIM how the movie happened. So sorry to burst your bubble; I know you thought this movie was going to be amazing and all. Better luck next time!

43rd Worst Movie: Yu-Gi-Oh: The Movie

2010-06-04T12:24:00.000-07:00

“Yu-Gi-Oh: The Movie” Starring Dan Green, Eric Stuart and Scottie Ray
Directed by Hatsuki Tsuji

Yugio Duel Monsters: Hikari No Pyramid
By Michele Dillon

So the heading, I am guessing, is the Japanese way to say the title of the movie, I thought it was pretty BA so I used it because you don’t want to know what other kind of original title I would have used to describe this movie. Ok, I will tell you anyway, here are a few I was thinking: Yu-Gi-Horrible, Yu-Go-Home, and Yu-Gi-Oh My. Ok, so they are not great but I was being about as creative as the creators of this movie. This movie is in desperate need of one of my lists.

This Movie Sucks Because…
It doesn’t make sense! I watched the entire movie (ok, I may have drifted off here and there) and none of it made sense! They are playing dueling cards??!! What kind of stupid crap is that?!
The one girl character that they made in the movie was wearing so short of a skirt, if she actually had lady parts, I would have seen them…wasn’t this made for kids?
The repetitive and irritating use of the name “Kaiba-boy”. It was used from one character to the other in uses such “you’ll never beat me Kaiba-boy”, “don’t try that one with me Kaiba-boy” and “oh no you didn’t Kaiba-boy”. Ok, so I made that last one up but I think you get the picture.
In the beginning of the movie when they are explaining the start of the story, they use the phrase “it was never to happen, and it hadn’t for 5,000 years” about oh I don’t know, A BILLION TIMES! Ok we get it! It was NEVER to happen! Stop saying that before I MAKE it happen again!
I don’t know what was with the narration of the movie but it was horrible! Horrible voice! Horrible dialogue! Horrible, Horrible, Yu-Gi-Horrible!
I don’t even know if this movie was made for kids, for adults or for idiots, but it NEVER should have been made and I am pretty confident that, even though I have not seen the rest of the movies on the list that this should have been the number one worst movie. Yeah I said it, NUMBER ONE!

44th Worst Movie: Material Girls

2010-06-04T12:20:00.000-07:00

“Material Girls” Starring Hilary Duff, Haylie Duff and Angelica Houston
Directed by Martha Coolidge

Madonna Say What?
By Michele Dillon
Here are two things that Madonna and this movie have in common. One, the obvious, that the title of the movie is the title of one of her most famous songs and two, Madonna starred in a really bad movie (Swept Away-which is on this list) and this movie IS a bad movie. Some people say they don’t believe in “meant to be” but this should be sure fire proof that they are wrong.
Just like any good movie reviewer, I’m going to resort to making my pro’s and con’s list of this movie since I really don’t think I could come up with logical full sentences about it.

Pros
1.) I didn’t have to listen to Madonna sing “Material Girls” which I thought was going to be an expected

Cons
1.) I had to listen to Hilary and Haylie Duff sing “Material Girls” which I should have seen coming

2.) The amazingly bad outfits that they had to wear but were supposed to be considered fashionable…but at the same time, made me wonder why those things were not in my closet right this very second

3.) It is inconceivable that Hilary Duff still gets cast for movies with her high pitched squeaky annoying voice…I want to do either of two things when I hear it: vomit and/or run as fast as I can onto a chair because I think I hear a mouse

4.) Not to just dive right into making fun of the plot, but really, the plot was “a hot mess” (as my new comedian favorite Chelsea Handler likes to say)

5.)If I have to see Hilary Duff in one more of these Worst movies, I think that I should be given a medal…a medal for being able to not automatically take a whole bottle of vicodin in hopes that her face will get so blurry I will think its Ashley Tisdale or better yet, I will have to be airlifted to a hospital to have my stomach pumped which is what I really would rather be doing than watching this stupid girl act

6.) I don’t really remember (I confess, I took HALF a bottle of vicodin, but only HALF, I still deserve my medal), but did I already attack the plot, because if I haven’t, I just have to say, it was really dumb

7.) As always, I will end my cons list on the number 7 because I believe that since I am saying such negative things that the lucky number seven will even my negativity out and if I were to not survive my stomach being pumped (you know…if it must resort to those measures) than I would still get in to heaven (cause you know that is where Duff will go…but only if she dyes her hair back to blonde again and admits to having an eating disorder. At least that is the deal that God and Satan have…Satan only wants the fatties and the brunettes…that’s why I must never allow myself to become obese and if I do then I must immediately dye my hair blonde)
Just as a side note, I will save you the time of going back and looking at all my pros and cons list to see if I really did end on 7 each time…I really didn’t, I lied…but I never did say I deserved a medal for honesty…

45th Worst Movie: Universal Soldier: The Return

2010-06-02T12:18:00.000-07:00

“Universal Soldier: The Return” Starring Jean-Claude Van Damme, Xander Berkeley and Michael Jai White
Directed by Mic Rodgers

Why Exactly Did He Return?
By Michele Dillon

As if any movie that has Jean-Claude Van Damme in it could be good, it will come as no surprise to you that this movie did not stop that cycle. Does anyone else hate the types of jeans he wears? I find them very disgusting and offensive…I really don’t want to see Jean-Claude Van Damme’s body shape that well…I still can’t wrap my mind around the fact that this guy was a sex symbol…PUKE!

So if it helps you enjoy this it all, please read the review in a French accent. To assist with this, I will try to write it the way you should sound. Dis movie vas avout ‘ow unibersal soldzers (dead guys brought back to life to be army killing machines) turn on their makiers. Obbvossly, vis did not turn out vell.

It’s hard to believe, but that is actually really hard to do so I will continue in my really boring English accent (no, not British, I am not that cool). So after the universal soldiers turn on their makers, it is up to Jean-Claude Van Damme to make sure that the leader doesn’t get a hold of a secret code that only he knows that could either make the leader die or if he discovered it, could make him live forever…muhahahahahha!! Sorry, got carried away there…I think that it is OK to say this without it being a spoiler but once again, happy ending and the stinking dead guys/robots do not live forever and humans are back to being smarter than them...which I am not sure is all entirely true because I don’t think that a robot would have made a movie this dumb…but I am a human so I shouldn’t be racist against myself and just accept the fact that there are some really stupid people out there and I am obviously not one of the them.

What else can I say? Except that maybe Jean-Claude Van Damme should definitely get new pants…hello! We are in a new millennium here Jean…figure it out…

46th Worst Movie: The Forsaken

2010-06-02T12:00:00.000-07:00

“The Forsaken” Starring Kerr Smith, Brendan Fehr and Izabella Miko
Directed by J.S. Cardone

Oh J.S. Cardone! Why have you Forsaken ME?!!
By Michele Dillon

Anyone heard of this director? Yeah…didn’t think so…that’s because whenever this movie first came out, I am pretty sure that someone hunted him down and then killed him for making such a god-awful movie. Ok, so it’s a vampire movie…no no…don’t get too excited…it wasn’t that kind of vampire movie. It was a HORRIBLE inconceivable vampire movie! It was about vampires who go around, just for fun, at night and punching holes in people’s stomachs and not just sucking their blood…eating their flesh and being completely disgusting about it too! I mean, they didn’t even use forks!! And on top of that, I’m pretty sure this was supposed to be the twist in the movie or something, if you get bitten by a vampire and they don’t, you know…kill you and eat you, then you will turn into one too BUT this guy figured out if you take a bunch of prescription pills together then it delays the transformation for up to a year. He uses that time to track down the vampire that bit him because supposedly if you kill the original vampire then the virus is lifted…like that makes any sense at all! What’s even worse is that this movie was just made in 2001…only 9 years ago! It wasn’t even an early 90’s movie where you could still experiment with pieces of junk movies like this…OK, that’s IT! No more disgusting movies! I’m putting my foot down!

47th Worst Movie: Extreme Ops

2010-06-02T11:58:00.000-07:00

“Extreme Ops” Starring Devon Sawa, Bridgette Wilson and Rufus Sewell
Directed by Christian Duguay

Extreme OOPS
By Michele Dillon

Yeah, I know, pretty much a 2 year old could have come up with that headline but hey…that’s what watching these movies causes me to resort too. Don’t be surprised if you see a lot of that throughout this review.

I was EXTREMEly disappointed in how bad this film actually was. First off, the foundation of the movie is based on a story of snowboarders and skiers who agree to get filmed coming down a hill while being chased by an actual avalanche (for some kind of EXTREME sports movie that a director is making). But then the movie turns into one that is about murder and “suspense”…out of nowhere…like where the hell did that come from? And it didn’t even make logical sense. Some crazy mob guy sees one of the skiers filming a guy making out with this girl when the guy is actually supposed to be dead. He did some kind of “fake your own death” thing so a pending trial would get dismissed. But instead of the mob guy just trying to go in and steal the video tape (which would have been pretty easy to do), he goes in and holds a gun to the boy’s head and demands the video tape and the boy didn’t even know that what he was filming was suspicious in the first place! But now he knows that something fishy is going on so he brings everyone else into it. How stupid can you get? My number one biggest pet peeve is when a movie gets made and all the characters are made into these illogical dumb dumbs because the filmmaker/screenwriter thinks that is the only way we will believe that this plot could have happened. In reality, they could have pulled it off making them smart characters AND the movie would have been way better if they did it that way. Anyway, I guess that I can’t really be too critical because I haven’t even made ONE movie and at least Christian Duguay can say he has…even though it sucked balls and I wish I never saw it.

48th Worst Movie: The Adventures of Pluto Nash

2010-06-02T11:54:00.000-07:00

“The Adventures of Pluto Nash” Starring Eddie Murphy, Rosario Dawson and Randy Quaid
Directed by Ron Underwood

The Really Un-exciting Adventures of a Person with a Horrible Name
By Michele Dillon

Alright, let’s get it over with and right out into the open…I am in love with Eddie Murphy. His voice, his hair, his acting abilities down to his crazy out there funniness…man, if only there was a way I could meet him, I just know I could make him love me back. (This paragraph is best understood if read in a sarcastic tone).

Ok, now that that is out of the way; what was up with this movie? As I was watching it, I was wondering, as I often do, how this movie even got past the pre-production phase…as in the pre-pre-production phase where the movie hasn’t even been bought by a studio yet. It just boggles my mind how movies like this can get made and yet I am still not making movies. Yes, I know, it all comes down to dedication and you know “actually trying” but really, if I had done even either of those things…I could have made a really sh***y movie by now! If only! Can you think of it? I would title it “The Dumbest Movie Ever” Starring Jackie Chan, Eddie Murphy, Cedric the Entertainer and Scarlet Johannson (AKA the dumbest actors ever). It would be amazingly bad! Come to think of it, I am going to start writing it now…I just hope that I can get the cast I am picturing….ahh, who am I kidding, they’ve got nothing else better to do!

Anyway, I totally lost track of the fact that I am writing a review and not telling you about my awesome future plans for my life…so this movie, um…I really don’t know…I did watch it…it’s just…hmmm…OK, yes, I believe there was Eddie Murphy and he lived on the moon (by the way, the moon is very dusty, don’t ever try to live there) and someone was trying to take over all of the moon’s businesses in order to make the whole moon a casino (I know, why didn’t I think of this). So as if that wasn’t enough of a plot to keep you going (which, by the way, it really wasn’t) then they also added some running away and some hiding and even the all inclusive cloning! If I haven’t sold you on this movie yet then you just have no creativity or imagination.

So anyway, obviously I loved this movie and I will immediately go out and buy it and watch it every day. (Come to think of it, this whole review would be best understood if read in a sarcastic tone)

49th Worst Movie: Summer Catch

2010-03-24T16:48:00.000-07:00

“Summer Catch” Starring Jessica Biel, Freddie Prinze Jr. and Matthew Lilliard
Directed by Michael Tollin

Bummer Batch
By Michele Dillon

What really can you say about a movie like this? I’m so glad that Freddie Prinze Jr. no longer makes movies? When are they going to stop casting Jessica Biel as well? Ok, so I really don’t have that big of a problem with Jessica Biel but I do think that she is too ridiculously skinny now that she is all “famous” and I used to like that she was the one that would make everybody be proud with her about her curvy body. That’s just another one who got lost to the Hollywood fame. Not that I am saying I would have all that much luck myself having to deal with the whole world talking about my weight. It gets pretty bad what people say nowadays. I really am just trying to stall with this right now…

So the movie was about a boy (yes boy, not man) who stays home for the summer so he can try out for the hometown minor league baseball team. Supposedly he is really good but you really don’t see it cause he I guess he gets the case of the nerves when he plays for the games that count. But then he hits his stride and starts doing really well. All the while he is dating this girl who is played by Biel and she is some kind of fancy shmancy too rich for him type of character so its all about the families hating families thing and “I’m not good enough for you” stupid crap that used to be the plots of a lot of romantic comedies back in the day. It really wasn’t anything new and interesting. It was predictable, lame and there wasn’t even any whip creamed naked girls in it (even though I am not a guy, I think everyone can agree a whip cream naked girl always fixes a bad movie).

I am so glad that romantic comedies (for the most part) are taking a new twist these days (I.E.: Ugly Truth, Forgetting Sarah Marshall). I really don’t know how many more of these on the Worst List I can watch. I can’t even say anything funny about this movie because it was so dull; it took away all my wittiness.

50th Worst Movie: Cheaper By the Dozen 2

2010-03-24T14:57:00.000-07:00

“Cheaper By the Dozen 2” Starring Steve Martin, Bonnie Hunt and Hilary Duff
Directed by Adam Shankman

Cheap and Cheesy (And I certainly don’t want a dozen of it)
By Michele Dillon

If you want to know if you are going to be watching a bad movie there are a few things that you need to look out for. First off, anything with a 2, 3 or 4 after the title or just repeats the same title as the original but puts a THE in front it you want to steer clear from! Secondly, if it says Hilary Duff stars ANYWHERE in the movie, whether it is a cameo or not (is she even famous enough to do a cameo?) then you can just PUT THE MOVIE DOWN…WALK AWAY SLOWLY…and not to be too drastic but you must quickly leave the movie aisle that you are in or bad things might happen. Thirdly (thirdly is a word, right?), please remember that Adam Shankman is a good dance choreographer, but never in anyone’s definition does that ever mean that you can direct movies or that you should even try. And finally, if it talks like a bad script (you can tell its talking like a bad script because usually it does it in a really bad imitation of a British accent), it sounds like a bad script (this is simple, just have someone read it out loud to you and if you cringe at the first sentence then that’s a good sign that it is a bad script-OR to make it even more simpler, just have the script read itself to you and you’ll know immediately if its bad because of the poorly imitated British accent we just talked about-but be careful with this one, once you get a bad script to read itself…sometimes there is no turning back), it walks like a bad script (believe me, I’ve seen bad scripts walk…it was trying to get out of the scene of the set as fast as it could!)…then it IS a bad script.

If it was not abundantly clear by now, this movie is what I consider bad due to all of these qualifications…or in other words…duh.

51st Worst Movie: Glitter

2010-03-22T09:18:00.000-07:00

"Glitter" Starring Mariah Carrey, Max Beesley & Terrence Howard
Directed by Vondie Curtis-Hall

Slit-her Wrists!
By Michele Dillon

There are lots of things that glitter; stars…glitter…OK maybe there aren’t that many things that glitter but the point is, this movie doesn’t glitter at all. Something about watching Mariah Carrey in a movie, trying to act, made me think that there can be something worse than hearing Mariah Carrey sing. But guess what? This movie was a double whammy! I got to see Mariah Carrey try to act AND she sang at the same time! It was chaos! I didn’t know whether I should chop off my ears or gouge my eyeballs out! In the end, I settled for sticking it out through the movie so I could make fun of it to my fullest extent.

So the premise of the movie was a young girl that got taken away from her mother because she was, you guessed it, a drug addict. But she was singing since she was a little kid (I know, I almost puked trying to think of Mariah Carrey as a little kid too) and as she got older she was in what someone can only call a singing group with bad clothes (it was probably to deter from the bad singing). But one magical day, she gets discovered and she no longer has to wear bad clothes…she has to wear really bad clothes. She ends up dating her producer (didn’t anyone ever tell her that is a bad idea) and then she stops dating her producer…things happen….someone gets killed….but everything is alright because in the end she gets to meet her drug addict mother (who supposedly she has not been able to locate since she got taken away)!!

Now as you can see, I am not just a highly critical person, I actually do pay enough attention to a movie to be able to look at it in a completely non-biased way and then critique it in a completely right (and I am the only one who ever really is right about movies and whether or not they are good) way. So you are welcome for enlightening you and saving you about 2 excruciating hours of your life…don’t say I never did you any solids.

You All May Be Thinking...

2010-02-19T07:26:00.000-08:00

...that as soon as I ran out of time I gave up on my blog because if any of you have noticed I haven't posted one since. The truth is that I am still watching the movies and trying to get down to one but I just haven't posted any of the blogs about them yet. I just didn't feel worthy doing that unless I had most if not all of them watched already cause I didn't want to feel like I was letting you down...not really I am just making excuses. Anyway...just be sure that I have not given up...I will eventually finish this...I just know that for next time if I am doing anything similar to this I should give myself a little more time :)

Time's Up!

2010-01-25T12:32:00.000-08:00

I know you guys follow this blog closely everyday( seriously, stop logging in every hour, it's weird!) so I thought that it wouldn't sneak past you to see that I am past my deadline for my blogs...
NOT TO WORRY! I am still going to finish them but it is just taking me a lot longer then expected...as I go farther and farther down the list...the movies get worse and worse...hmmm I guess that IS how a countdown works...
Anyway, don't lose faith in me 6 followers! I will prevail!

Stalling Tactic

2010-01-21T12:08:00.000-08:00

So even though I am pretty amazing, it's not really possible for me to watch 51 movies in one day (in reality I only have 37 movies left because I watched some out of order, but they are not posted yet since I am counting down)...don't ask me how it happened but somehow the time got away from me and I obviously underestimated how long it would take me to watch such horrible movies. I figured I would watch one every other day but you want to take a break from it every once and awhile and even though there were a few times where I watched 4 movies in a day, I was just never able to catch up with deadline...I know....how could I disappoint my 6 followers so bad?

Not to worry though because I have come up with a really good stalling tactic. I am going to post a list of...wait for it...all the movies....from 2009....from best to worst!! Wow! That is even BETTER than all my movie reviews I've done so far!

So here it is...

2009 Best and Worst Movies

The Good

27.) A Perfect Getaway
26.) Julie and Julia
25.) The Proposal
24.) Earth
23.) Confessions of a Shopaholic
22.) Alvin and the Chipmunks 2: The Squeakqel
21.) Adam
20.) Sunshine Cleaning
19.) The Time Traveler’s Wife
18.) Away We Go
17.) Crossing Over
16.) Push
15.) Taken
14.) The Blindside
13.) Terminator Salvation
12.) X-Men Origins: Wolverine
11.) Gamer
10.) Law Abiding Citizen
9.) Star Trek
8.) Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince
7.) Avatar 3D
6.) Up
5.) The Ugly Truth
4.) 17 Again
3.) Zombieland
2.) The Hangover

And the best movie of 2009 is…

1.) Inglourious Basterds- say Auf Wiedersehen to your Nazi balls!

The So-So

27.) Hannah Montana: The Movie
26.) Inkheart
25.) Knowing
24.) 9
23.) Fast and Furious
22.) New In Town
21.) Land of the Lost
20.) The Taking of Pelham 123
19.) Saw 6
18.) 12 Rounds
17.) Couples Retreat
16.) Men Who Stare at Goats
15.) Adventureland
14.) Hotel For Dogs
13.) I Love You Man
12.) The Last House on the Left
11.) 500 Days of Summer
10.) Orphan
9.) State of Play
8.) My Sister’s Keeper
7.) Funny People
6.) He’s Just Not That Into You
5.) Transformers 2: Revenge of the Fallen
4.) Underworld: Rise of the Lycans
3.) The Uninvited
2.) Armored

And the best So-So Movie of 2009 is…

1.) Whip It –“I like smart girls. That's why I married your mama. Well, that and I knocked her up.”

The Ugly

26.) Phoebe in Wonderland
25.) Paper Heart
24.) The Soloist
23.) The Education of Charlie Banks
22,) Friday the 13th
21.) Ice Age 3
20.) Sorority Row
19.) Ghosts of Girlfriends Past
18.) Obsessed
17.) The Soloist
16.) My Bloody Valentine
15.) All About Steve
14.) The Goods
13.) Fame
12.) Race to Witch Mountain
11.) Bride Wars
10.) The Brothers Bloom
9.) G.I. Joe
8.) The Unborn
7.) Fighting
6.) Year One
5.) Drag Me To Hell
4.) Jennifer’s Body
3.) Observe & Report
2.) Bruno

And the worst movie of 2009 is…

1.) Dance Flick-“You just mispronounced that word to make it sound like it had an I in it.”

52nd Worst Movie: Johnson Family Vacation

2010-01-05T11:28:00.001-08:00

“Johnson Family Vacation” Starring Cedric the Entertainer, Steve Harvey and Vanessa Williams
Directed by Christopher Erskin

Johnson Family Lamecation
By Michele Dillon

What good could come out of making a movie about two brothers who spend their time trying to win the Family of the Year award at their annual family reunion? That is about the lamest plot I have ever heard of. ¾ of the movie is spent on the road trip over to the reunion and the other ¼ of it is spent with Cedric and Harvey, playing brothers, fighting about who is better. I don’t know if I get these kinds of movies. It seems like there are some people out there who would think that this is funny but I was highly NOT entertained by “The Entertainer”.

Of course, Cedric also had to pull a, what I like to call, “Eddie Murphy” (it is where you play more than one part in the movie but you dress up in fat suits or change the look of your face). The “Eddie Murphy” is not exactly a good tactic, sure it worked in Bowfinger, but other than that, every movie he has made where he has played more than one character has failed. Why do these actors put themselves through this kind of misery? Or maybe it is really fun for them so they do not see how horrible it is until it is too late and the repercussions that is this movie is staring them right in the face. Who knows why they feel the need to torture me…

So anyway, usually you can tell how much I hated the movie by either the review being really short because I have nothing to really say about it, or it is super long because of all the bad stuff I have to say about it. It is only really safe to assume that if it is a medium review then I must like it, but there is always the possibility that I don’t like it as well. So really, there is no correlation between the length of my reviews and whether or not I like them, why did you even bring it up?

53rd Worst Movie: Yours, Mine and Ours

2010-01-04T12:19:00.000-08:00

“Yours, Mine and Ours” Starring Dennis Quaid, Rene Russo and Sean Faris
Directed by Raja Gosnell

These Kids Are Definitely Yours
By Michele Dillon

I know kids are bad, but this movie made them seem selfish and horrible. The movie is about two old high school sweethearts who meet each other again a few decades down the road. The woman has 10 kids and the man has 8 kids. They decide to get married right off the bat so the kids have to live together and they hate it. They plot together to ruin their parents relationship just so they don’t have to live with each other. A few things they do are; ruining their mom’s working space right when she had to make a bunch of purses on a time budget, possibly making her lose the job, just because they knew it would piss her off and make her get into a fight with the dad and they also threw a party and blamed it on the fact that their mom said they could have a few friends over so it would start another fight. I sure hope that if I ever have kids that they wouldn’t be as self-centered and rude as that just to get what they want. The worst part of it all is that during this “working together” to break their parents up, they were getting along and they were too stupid to notice that they didn’t want to not live with each other anymore so they continued to try to break the parents up. I am sure the script writer was doing this to be a “I told you so” kind of thing but it made the kids look like they all got dropped on their heads when they were younger.

Another thing that didn’t make sense was that the parents actually fell for all this stuff instead of just talking to each other to see if they actually did it or if it was the kids. That’s what you get when you marry someone about a day after you meet them and don’t even know what it is like to live with them let alone their kids. The movie just seemed like it was implausible that the situation could even happen. I can’t really make fun of the acting because they were kids and I even feel bad making fun of this movie because it was made for kids so I guess I will just stop there.

54th Worst Movie: Envy

2010-01-04T12:04:00.002-08:00

“Envy” Starring Ben Stiller, Jack Black and Amy Poehler
Directed by Barry Levinson

I Envy Your Eyeballs… (Because They Did Not Watch This Movie)
By Michele Dillon

Ben Stiller, yes you are amazing, I still stick by that Zoolander is possibly one of the funniest movies ever. Jack Black, I never really liked you, I think that you actually purposefully pick bad movies because you have nothing else better to do with your time. Together, amazing and bad, you have created something that was probably not even considered possible…atrocious. Yes, the atrocious actor, AA if you will. Oh AA, you know no boundaries, you see no horizon, and you continue to disappoint viewers all over the world, which is your destiny. You have so completed your destiny through this movie, and may therefore dismiss yourself from further duties…please…do not make a movie again together…it is not necessary…we will forgive you…in fact we will thank you.

If I hadn’t made myself clear in the previous paragraph, this movie was not good. The basic premise was Jack Black’s character came up with the idea of making poop disappear so you wouldn’t have to use doggie bags anymore, he offered to have his friend Ben Stiller’s character get in on the action with him. Stiller thought it was a horrible idea so he declined. It ends up that the idea works and Black becomes really rich. So for most of the movie Stiller is sitting there being envious of his friend because he could have cashed on the riches too but now it is too late. Stiller’s wife also resents him the entire movie because she wants to be rich too, which I think is a blatant reason for Stiller to divorce her because she is obviously shallow and stupid, but he doesn’t and they live in agony together until….well, I don’t want to ruin this fantastic movie for you, so you will just have to see for yourself if you are really that interested. Believe me, you are not that interested.

55th Worst Movie: Gigli

2010-01-04T12:04:00.001-08:00

“Gigli” Starring Ben Affleck, Jennifer Lopez and Justin Bartha
Directed by Martin Brest

Really?
By Michele Dillon

Those of you who have not seen this movie, this headline probably isn’t that funny. So for the purpose of making you laugh with me instead of at me, I will explain: Ben Affleck explains to people when they mispronounce his name that it rhymes with really. However, I am using the word really in the sense of: Really? Did you really make this movie? Just so you know, it always creates a bigger laugh if you have to explain your jokes…it’s been proven…

Yes, this movie REALLY is as bad as everyone says it is. It lives up to those expectations brilliantly. I am not even sure if I can write a premise on this movie because it was kind of pointless so I am not sure where they were trying to even go with it but I will make my attempt. Ok, so Affleck is supposed to be playing a “tough guy” working for a mobster where his job is to basically collect money that is owed to his employer and/or anything else that the mobster/gangster may need. In the case of this movie Affleck’s employer needs him to kidnap a mentally challenged kid (who is the brother of a court official) and then watch over him until is needed. Affleck’s employer doesn’t trust him to be able to do the job right so he hires another employee to watch over him, Lopez. Which right there, is the dumbest thing ever, why not just fire Affleck and then hire Lopez if he doesn’t trust him to do the job right? But of course, that would make it so Affleck and Lopez couldn’t have a love/hate relationship the entire movie. But oh wait, I left an important part out, Lopez’s character is a lesbian so she isn’t even attracted to Affleck at all but somehow, magically ¾ through the movie, she decides to have sex with him, but don’t get her wrong, she is still lesbian, she just wanted to “scratch her itch” apparently. So this movie ends up being a half love story/half lesbian changeover/whole really bad movie.

There is actually a whole scene dedicated to Lopez doing Yoga because it is supposed to be all sexual, but the monologue she has during the scene is a complete snore fest which leads me to believe they didn’t really think anybody would be listening to her words, which is probably true but I am not a guy, nor lesbian, nor am I a fan of Jennifer Lopez so it didn’t work on me.

I really don’t even see what the potential in this movie could have been in order for anyone to agree to produce and direct it or even write it, or to not even be embarrassed for presenting it as something that you wrote…anyway, I am glad that one is over with.

Yes I Am Aware

2010-01-04T11:18:00.000-08:00

...That I only have 19 days left to go...stop rubbing it in my face!! :)

56th Worst Movie: Doogal

2010-01-04T11:17:00.001-08:00

“Doogal” Starring Jimmy Fallon, Daniel Tay and Jon Stewart
Directed by Dave Borthwick and Jean Duval

Dooglidedoo
By Michele Dillon

I’ve noticed that there have been a few kid movies on this list and I think it is a little unfair. If we are really taking into account all the kid movies that have been made, this entire list could be compiled of just that genre.

But for the sake of this venture and for this review I will try and think of a few things that would make this movie deserve to be on this list.

1.) The story was a little cheesy (but that is to be expected) and it didn’t really try to come up with an unpredictable plot. It was actually what I like to call a “plottable plot” (yes I know, I am a genius)
2.) I liked all of the characters voices except for the dog, Doogal, his voice was very annoying. It did not seem like it fit the animation of the dog. I don’t really know if that is just a personal preference type of thing and maybe I am the only one out there who will think that about this movie but hey, this is my review so who cares.

Yes, that is all I have to say about this movie. It wasn’t all that horrible. I know it seems like I say that a lot, but there are also a lot of times where I think it IS that horrible and I am sure you are getting sick of hearing of those too. I am getting a little of sick of writing of both of these types of movies, I feel like this is a long drawn out boring process. Although the idea of watching the 100 Worst movies sounded so good and awesome in my head, it really isn’t. I actually WATCH the movies; I don’t just put it on and listen to it in the background (except for the minor exception of Gods and Generals, but you understand that one). I don’t think that anyone appreciates how grueling this is…barely anyone even reads my reviews….I had to watch Yu Gi Oh! Do you know how horrible that movie is? Probably not, because you never agreed to watch movies just because they are known for being bad…you are not dumb…like me. Ok anyway, enough griping, I was just trying to fill up space since the actual “review” part of this movie wasn’t very long. :)

57th Worst Movie: I Still Know What You Did Last Summer

2010-01-04T11:15:00.000-08:00

“I Still Know What You Did Last Summer” Starring Jennifer Love-Hewitt, Brandy Norwood and Freddie Prinze Jr.
Directed by Danny Cannon

I Really Really Still Know What You Did 5 Summers Ago
By Michele Dillon

“What do you want from me? Come on! Come and get me!” Those are the famous lines that are spoken in this movie by Love-Hewitt. And coincidentally (ahem, not), she also speaks those same words in the original I Know What You Did Last Summer. She is trying to antagonize the “slicker wearing killer” (aka: swk) to just get it over with and kill her or leave her alone. Anticipation, it is something that can make anyone rather be killed with a fish hook in the eye socket…

Now this is very serious business. It is very important to find out who this "swk" is. Is it the guy they thought they killed? But how is that possible? Is he invincible or what? Don’t be mistaken that this movie is supposed to be some kind of comedy because it is NOT funny, it is very serious (OK, maybe it’s a little funny).

I will say one thing about Jennifer’s dire situation however; she sure does know how to not button her shirt the whole way so her boobs are popping out while she is running around getting the crap scared out of her. I think it is pretty hilarious how directors/screen writers think that they have to put boobs somewhere in a horror movie. OK, fine, if that is the only way you think people are going to watch the movie, at least place it in the movie where it is going to make sense. Right before Jennifer has on her “half shirt”, she was wearing a bathing suit, if they wanted to have her shirt off; they could have just kept her in her bathing suit….but I guess that’s too logical though.

As far as horror movies go, you should know my stance, there really isn’t much to say about them. There are only a few horror movies out there that are deserving of having been made and the rest of them should just get canned for eternity, this being one of them.

58TH Worst Movie: The Order

2010-01-04T11:13:00.000-08:00

“The Order” Starring Heath Ledger, Shannyn Sossamon and Benno Furmann
Directed by Brian Helgeland

My Order Is: Go To Sleep Instead Of Watching This Movie…
By Michele Dillon

….cause that is what I did. Or almost did anyway. Here is where my genius will be put into perspective, I am really not as smart as I say I am but I am pretty sure that no one else would have been able to understand this movie either. My NUMBER ONE biggest pet peeve when it comes to movies is where they start the movie out having the characters talking to each other in “inside joke” talk. Then, as the movie progresses, they randomly bring it up and KIND OF explain what that “inside joke” talk was about…and it’s not even that exciting! It just makes you completely confused at the start of the movie, which frankly, is not a good movie making tactic. You want to pull the viewers in, not make them feel like they are intruding on a secret conversation that makes absolutely no sense except to the person who wrote the movie. So that is the number one reason why this movie lost my attention. Number two was that the movie was about a priest who ends up falling in love with a girl and then abandoning his priesthood to be with her, which this plot line can only be pulled off with Edward Norton in “Keeping Faith”. So the long and short of it is, well really the short of it is, this movie was not worth my time or consideration or the brain work used to try and understand it.

59th Worst Movie: Gray Matters

2010-01-04T11:06:00.000-08:00

“Gray Matters” Starring Heather Graham, Bridget Moynahan and Tom Cavanagh
Directed by Sue Kramer

Gay Matters
By Michele Dillon

Predictable: the one word that can describe this movie in a nutshell. I was able to predict almost every scene in this movie. There was actually one part where 20 minutes before it happened, I turned to my fiancé and said, just watch this is going to happen and then when it came to the scene I thought it was going to occur, I was able to pinpoint the exact moment that it was going to take place. It was so uncanny, he swore that I had already watched the movie, but I hadn’t, I would have remembered such a horrible movie. If I ever make movies (in my dreams), that would be the one thing that I would absolutely hate for someone to say about my movie because if the movie is predictable, then what is the point of watching it?

So anyway, if you would like to hear what the movie is actually about, no my headline was not making fun of gays, the movie is actually about Heather Graham and how she takes her brother’s soon to be wife out for her bachelorette party and they get so drunk that they accidentally kiss…hey it happens, but for Graham, she realizes that she is gay….yup. So the rest of the movie is basically about her being in love with her brothers now wife and how she is trying to deny that she is gay.

Not only did the movie have a bad plot and bad acting, it was just filmed very weird. It was all fuzzy like it was filmed on a home video camera, which hey, it might have been. I am also pretty sick of Graham making movies; I would say that she and Scarlet Johannsen are right up there on the list of the WORST actresses in the world. They are absolutely horrible; I have never seen them do a good job in a movie they have been in. I used to make jokes with my sister that kind of like her character in Bowfinger; she probably sleeps with people just to get roles. I would not completely rule it out.

So that is really all the time I will waste on this one…

60th Worst Movie: Stay Alive

2009-12-30T09:33:00.000-08:00

“Stay Alive” Starring Jon Foster, Samaire Armstrong and Frankie Muniz
Directed by William Brent Bell

I Stayed Alive
By Michele Dillon

So because of the fact that I have not described what a movie is actually about in a long time in one of my reviews, I will start again in this one. The premise of the movie is that there is a video game called “Stay Alive” and once you play it and die in the game, then you die the same way in real life as you did in the game. That is about all the time I will waste on what the movie is about.

Now, I am probably being biased since I am half in love with Jon Foster (the other half of my love goes to my fiancé, Josh, OK its probably more like 40/60) but this movie wasn’t all that bad. I would have to say the worst part of the whole movie was that they gave all the cussing lines to Frankie Muniz and if you have ever seen Malcolm in the Middle, it would sound like the weirdest thing in the world to hear Malcolm cuss. The rest of the bad of the movie is (and yes, I know that fragment does not make sense, Microsoft Word alerted me of that) that the script isn’t the greatest, I guess that is directly correlated to the cussing but I actually cannot think of anything else that would warrant this movie being on the list. I think I could replace it with about 10 other movies that are a lot worse than this one. I am not going to veto it off the list however because I am neutral about it, so I do not feel strongly enough to use my well deserved and amazingly thought out vetoes.

The End

P.S. I love Jon Foster

61st Worst Movie: Jawbreaker

2009-12-30T09:30:00.000-08:00

“Jawbreaker” Starring Rose McGowan, Julie Benz and Rebecca Gayheart
Directed by Darren Stein

Psychotic Break
By Michele Dillon

Watching this movie, I was just dying to make one of my lists as to why this movie is so bad so do not deny me of my one hope and dream! Oh yeah, you can’t…it’s not like you can make me stop typing or anything…

Before I start, I will give a brief synopsis of the movie so you know what I am talking about: Three girls kidnap their best friend at the beginning of the movie for her birthday and one of the girls decides to stick a jawbreaker in the friend’s mouth and then duck tape it so she can’t scream. They put her in the trunk and then when they open it, the jawbreaker is stuck in her throat and she is obviously dead.

Reasons Why This Movie Sucks

1.) The girls that were supposed to be playing Highs School-ers looked like they were in their late 20’s. Not that that is old, but people in their late 20’s cannot pull off looking like they are 18, it is just not plausible.
2.) Rose McGowan should stick to acting on the show Charmed. Reason? Because she sucks at acting and that show excels on amazingly bad talent.
3.) It was ridiculous that McGowan’s character had absolutely no remorse for her friend dying and the fact that she was the one that accidentally did it. The movie was trying to act like that is how bitchy teenagers act, but really, that just means that you are psychotic.
4.) It was even more ridiculous that instead of making McGowan’s character get caught by the police at the end of the movie, they just made this big whole scene on how her “High School career” was over because everybody thinks she is a murderer. News Flash: her WHOLE life is over because she IS a murderer, whether on accident or not. She would not have gone to jail if she had just called the police after it happened and admitted it was an accident.
5.) The filming was so off the wall, it reminded me of Slackers. It had all these dream sequences that were not dream sequences but sometimes they were…knock it off people, I do not like these! Either it’s a dream sequence or it is not! You cannot have both! BTW- what is the obsession with dream sequences anyway, you can just take a hint from me right now, they are dumb and they never turn out as good as you are probably thinking it will in your head. I obviously have very strong opinions about this; sorry if you do not understand my overreaction about dream sequences…it makes sense to me…
6.) I’m flying amongst a sky full of clouds, my head is floating, oh my god, when could heads start floating, this is crazy! I start taking my floating ahead across the universe and we travel until no one understands where we are going with my bodiless self (that was an example of a dream sequence, in a movie, they take all those words that I just wrote and try to make it into images on the screen, it never works out. It was annoying and it sucked right? Now do you understand?)

62nd Worst Movie: Undiscovered

2009-12-30T09:26:00.000-08:00

“Undiscovered” Starring Steven Strait, Shannyn Sossamon and Ashlee Simpson-Wentz
Directed by Meiert Avis

I Discovered Boredom
By Michele Dillon

Hey look, Shannyn Sossamon is on another movie on the Worst list…I wonder if I should find the addresses of these repeat offenders and send them a letter that they need to pick their movies a little better…not that they would listen anyway. I am pretty sure that these actors know that they are picking a bad movie but they think they are doing the movie world some kind of justice by making independent films. Independent films are great, but only when they actually have a good storyline and good actors, just making a film because it is low budget and has a no name director does not mean that this is going to be the next breakout film at Sundance.

So this movie was basically about a guy who wants to be a singer/musician (but really he is a wannabe writer which you don’t even get that until the very end of the movie) and he meets this girl who he really likes but ends up moving to LA to get “made”. But magically the girl decides she wants to be an actress so she ends up moving to LA too. So really the story is just a love story that is a wanna be rock star story which really is neither because the movie lacks any kind of interesting plot, high-quality acting or a script that follows any kind of chronological order.

I wish this movie had never been discovered that way it never would have been put on this stinking list and then I would never have had to watch it…but I think the fact that the title of the movie is called “Undiscovered” someone would have picked it up just to see if it was really worth discovering and then that person probably burned their eyeballs out and accidentally forgot that he did not want anyone else to have to suffer through the pain that he had too so he dropped the movie on the sidewalk and then someone else picks it up and it goes on and on like that until finally everyone knows that this movie is one of the worst movies in the world but it doesn’t even matter anymore because we don’t have eyeballs…

63rd Worst Movie: Ultraviolet

2009-12-18T09:37:00.001-08:00

“Ultraviolet” Starring Milla Jovovich, Cameron Bright and Nick Chinlund
Directed by Kurt Wimmer

Ultra-boring
By Michele Dillon

This movie managed to bore me, intellectually make me dumber, make me confused and make me wish I had nice abs; all at same the time. As far as CGI goes, this is also right in line with “Catwoman”, meaning that it sucked. Lets look at this analytically, since I am the one that writes these reviews and I can do whatever I want (unless of course anyone decides to read my reviews and advises me that I need to not do whatever I want, then I would do what I want but very STRONGLY think about what I would do if I didn’t do what I want).

First off, I don’t understand, and I’m pretty sure that I am one of the smartest people on earth, so I should understand, why Jovovich’s character was able to change the color of her clothes and her hair and store weapons inside of her body. Nowhere in the movie, did it attempt to explain, except for maybe a split second, why she was able to do this.

Second, the aforementioned CGI; the whole movie looked like a cartoon. On one hand, they could have purposefully done this because they wanted to make it look futuristic but on the other hand, I don’t care about that and I think that if you are going to make a movie that is set in the future, then you need to make it look as real as possible because when time continues and the years go by, the world isn’t going to start looking like a cartoon.

Third, Jovovich has abs that make me think that I look like a fat ass.

Fourth, this movie was written and directed by the same person. His last name isn’t Winner for a reason.

Fifth, sixth and seventh, I have no other points…I just wanted you to keep reading my review until you were as bored as I was by the end of this movie.

Eighth, I forgot, there was this one scene where Jovovich went to the top of a building to escape, but there were a bunch of guys up there trying to block her, so she killed them all, and instead of actually escaping by the roof like she originally intended, she went back down the stairs, so basically she killed all those people and didn’t even need to…she is going to hell.

Ninth, OK, that is really it.

64th Worst Movie: Chill Factor

2009-12-16T11:49:00.000-08:00

“Chill Factor” Starring Cuba Gooding Jr, Skeet Ulrich and Peter Firth
Directed by Hugh Johnson

Below Freezing
By Michele Dillon

What a surprise, yet another movie on the list that Cuba Gooding Jr. is in. So far it has been Boat Trip and this one but I still feel like he is the worst actor out of all the movies I have watched. What is with his high pitched voice? I have heard it be low and normal but it seems like in these past two movies he cannot reach a normal range.

So there were two major things that were wrong with this movie. 1.) Most of the script required the actors to see “Whoo hoo!” or “Oh Shit” and 2.) It was unbelievable (not like the song “You’re Unbelievable” where it is meant in a good way, but unbelievable as in I did not for one second believe that what was happening in the movie could happen. Usually that latter can be a good thing because it causes you to use your imagination. In this case, however, it was just plain stupid because it was like they were trying to stretch the rubber band until it was no longer stretchable (and rubber bands are stretchy!). On top of all that, as if it was not bad enough, I think the movie was supposed to be considered an action movie but usually in a good action movie you will see normal people doing extraordinary things. In this movie, you see normal people doing extraordinarily stupid things; like climbing on the side of a truck while it is moving to do absolutely nothing except get the crap kicked out of them.

I just love how I have stopped giving the premises of the movies and go straight into bashing them. Anyone who reads these are probably thinking,” I don’t even know what this movie is about but I already hate it!”. Well good! That is what I want you to think…

65th Worth Movie: Deck the Halls

2009-12-12T10:00:00.001-08:00

“Deck the Halls” Starring Danny DeVito, Matthew Broderick and Kristin Davis
Directed by John Whitesell

Deck My Face
By Michele Dillon

That’s really what I wanted someone to do to me when I was watching this movie…just to make it end. I couldn’t believe that the movie was really about Danny DeVito being the new neighbor and his aspiration was to make his house seen from space with all the Christmas lights. Literally, that was what the movie was about. Oh, and the fact that Matthew Broderick hates DeVito for it…wow…good storyline…wake me up before I wet the bed from excitement. To make things worst, the director is a completely boring person and that is probably why he thought this movie was funny in the first place. How do I know the director is boring? Because my fiancé decided to put the commentary on after the movie ended and instead of actually commentating on the movie, the director just sat there and watched it and laughed and every ONCE in awhile interjected with a small, but very boring, fact about the making of the movie. It shouldn’t really be that shocking since Broderick and DeVito are probably the most boring actors out there and I am not even sure why they still have movie careers (they are small but still existent). All that said this is the second Christmas that has been on this list. I am pretty sure that they could come up with a full 100 Worst Movie list for just Christmas movies…don’t worry I will not do a blog on that.

66th Worst Movie: Date Movie

2009-12-12T09:59:00.001-08:00

“Date Movie” Starring Alyson Hannigan, Sophie Monk and Eddie Griffin
Directed by Aaron Seltzer

First and Last Date
By Michele Dillon

I don’t know if any of you have seen a pattern yet, but Eddie Griffin has been in a lot of movies that are in this list…

Anyway, I will be the first to tell you that I love Alyson Hannigan. I will also be the first to tell you that I hate this movie. It’s disgusting, it has bad acting (Alyson was still funny but she was the only one), it has a bad script…it makes me almost want to vomit every time I see it. I really don’t think there is a good satire movie out there yet, I am trying to think of one, if I can then I will let you know. I can’t think of anything good to say about this movie other than it was kind of fun trying to guess what movie that they were referring too in each scene.

I think I have actually seen this movie too many times for how bad it is. I saw it in the theatre, I watch it whenever it is on TV (but only if it is someone else’s TV), and I also own the movie, but only because my fiancé’s mom got it for us for Christmas. I am not sure if she actually hasn’t seen it before and just thought we would like it or if she actually likes the movie herself. I am not sure I want to know because the movie is kind of raunchy…but anyway, that is all I have to say about this movie.

67th Worst Movie: Boat Trip

2009-12-12T09:01:00.000-08:00

“Boat Trip” Starring Cuba Gooding Jr., Horatio Sanz and Roselyn Sanchez
Directed by Mort Nathan

Bad Trip
By Michele Dillon

I can’t believe I had to watch this movie. Two of the things I hate the most: Cuba Gooding Jr. and Cuba Gooding Jr. in drag. Who comes up with these movies? So far, I have had to watch, just to name a few, a movie about a guy in a fat suit (Norbit), TWO movies where a guy sticks his hand up a cow’s butt (Say It Isn’t So and Serving Sara), and now TWO movies about a guy dressing like a woman (Juwanna Mann and Boat Trip). Why are there so many screenwriters out there who think we want to watch these kinds of movies? It’s getting to be a little ridiculous. I knew that I was going to have to watch some BAD movies, but this is just silly! Here is my handy dandy list to tell you what I hated about this movie:

1.) The beginning
2.) The middle
3.) The end

68th Worst Movie: Lost Souls

2009-12-12T08:57:00.000-08:00

“Lost Souls” Starring Winona Ryder, Ben Chaplin and Sarah Wynter
Directed by Janusz Kaminski

Lost & Lost
By Michele Dillon

I only say “Lost & Lost” because I am not sure what I gained from watching this movie. Other than being able to mark it off my remaining list (which does not seem to be dwindling at all, in fact, I am pretty sure that MORE movies have been added behind my back). The movie was KIND OF interesting…I say KIND OF because it got my interest but then lost it because it didn’t explain a lot of things. It was kind of like a parent trying to have the “sex” talk with you, your interest was peaked because they said “sex” but the way they explain it is absolutely not interesting at all, and they leave very important details out. The movie was about a man who is possessed at the very beginning and he keeps repeating this secret code, which Ryder cracks and then discovers this really important secret that she tries to tell someone that needs to know but only on a need to know basis…hey, I would be perfect to become a screenwriter and then make really horrible movies with that line I just used. My fiancé was thoroughly bored because you can’t get anything past him, unless of course, you don’t explain yourself. I am pretty sure that this movie was training for Ryder for when she shoplifted; she learned how to jump around the real story. Just like the movie was KIND OF interesting, I also KIND OF understood it; enough to actually weasel my way through this review anyway. How did I do? Answer: *horrible (refer to Surviving Christmas review for description).

69th Worst Movie: The New Guy

2009-12-12T08:53:00.001-08:00

“The New Guy” Starring DJ Qualls, Eliza Dushku and Zooey Deschanel
Directed by Ed Dector

Seriously?
By Michele Dillon

I had a WAY better headline for this review but I am not going to use it for the sake of not offending people. I’m pretty sure that you could guess it. The second best headline, that I used, basically describes how much I don’t understand how this movie was made…I remember watching this before, and I must have had a really bad taste in movies back then because I do NOT remember it being as bad as it was this time around. So many things are wrong with this movie and I think the only way to describe it is with a Pro and Con list…

Cons

1.) The acting: Zooey Deschanel, why did you damage my idea of you being one of the best little independent actresses out there. I think I might forgive you since this movie was made so long ago. Eddie Griffin, how many times did you really have to do the “snake eyes”, I’m sure 1 million was not really written in the script.
2.) The script: It could have been OK story except for the fact that they made it predictable, boring and repetitive.
3.) The filming: The way the scenes were set up made the movie seem very choppy and you didn’t really understand what was real and what wasn’t until a few minutes after it occurred. Hint for if you watch the movie: nothing in the movie is supposed to be a dream sequence no matter how much it seems like it is.
4.) What’s left to pick on about the movie other than that it is just horrible…plain horrible…

Pros

1.) You probably saw this one coming, if you know me at all, if I am going to whip out the pro and con list, usually there is no pro, and that is the case this time around as well…

70th Worst Movie: The Reaping

2009-12-08T12:03:00.000-08:00

“The Reaping” Starring Hilary Swank, David Morrissey and Idris Elba
Directed by Stephen Hopkins

I Reaped the Benefits
By Michele Dillon

I am just going to come right out and say it; this movie is going to be my second veto that I apply. The Reaping does not deserve to be on this Worst list. I watched this when it came out in the theatre, rented a few times after that and then watched and thoroughly enjoyed it for this review. I see nothing that is so wrong with this movie that it deserves to be on this list. I think that whoever voted negatively for this movie was probably a pissed off religious person who didn’t like the message of the movie. However, offensive to you or not, the movie still had a good script and was acted well. Ok, so the ending wasn’t great, and was kind of Soap Opera-y-ish BUT the rest of the movie had a lot going for it and I have seen A LOT worse. Now, I am not saying either that this is one of the best movies I have seen (Ahem, Inglorius Basterds, Ahem). I just think that if I can watch a movie numerous times, not get bored from it and still enjoy the idea then it is not a bad movie in my opinion. There really isn’t anything else to say because the movie is kind of hard to explain without giving anything away. I will just put a side bar in here with a brief description.

Side bar: it’s about the 10 plagues.

71st Worst Movie: Surviving Christmas

2009-12-08T11:53:00.000-08:00

“Surviving Christmas” Starring Ben Affleck, Christina Applegate and James Gandolfini
Directed by Mike Mitchell

Surviving Affleck
By Michele Dillon

Ben Affleck plays three basic (very basic) types of roles in his movies; stoner guy, romantic comedy guy and one very rare occasion an actual real actor (Good Will Hunting). This movie adds a fourth type of role to his filmography and I hope it is just as rare as his acting ability cause I don’t think I ever want to see it again; crazy weirdo! He goes from being completely normal in the beginning of the movie, some macho guy who has a lot of money and wants to go to Fiji for Christmas to some crazy whacko who decides to visit his old family home and then rent the family that lives there to be his fake mom, dad and brother for the Christmas holiday. I have to admit that this storyline stank, but the actual delivery of it wasn’t *horrible (* See definition at bottom of review). I was mildly entertained throughout just because I thought it was ridiculously funny how stupid Affleck was being. I was actually really surprised that Christina Applegate let herself be seen in this movie and on top of that decided to actually portray the character from the script and recite lines from it…she must not have had a very good agent at the time. I am not really going to step all over every actor that was in the movie, just mainly Affleck because I feel after all the movies that he has made, somewhere deep down, there HAS to be a good actor (reminiscent of his Good Will Hunting character) but he is just unwilling to unleash it or he will have to deal with higher fame. Come on Affleck, if you don’t shape up soon, you might be the next Tom Cruise (someone who started out as an actor but as he got richer, he decided not to act anymore, or rarely, but he still gets all the fame and attention because he is CRAZY!). I have no more to say to you other than, I like your brother, Casey Affleck, better (Gone, Baby, Gone…amazing).

*Horrible: any type of movie role that Ben Affleck, Jason Lee or any of his Kevin Smith affiliates may play.

72nd Worst Movie: Dragonfly

2009-11-23T13:42:00.000-08:00

“Dragonfly” Starring Kevin Costner, Susanna Thompson and Joe Morton
Directed by Tom Shadyac

Whaty What?
By Michele Dillon

Oh my goodness….this movie was really boring, up until the point where Kevin Costner actually figures out what is going on, then it kind of gets exciting, but then the it leads to an ending that didn’t really live up to it’s expectations. I was never really a big fan of Kevin Costner until I saw the movie Mr. Brooks. I actually got to see his acting ability to his fullest in that movie. Since then, I have appreciated his work but haven’t really seen him do anything as good as he did in Mr. Brooks. This story was really good but I think that they could have done so much more with the idea. Costner’s wife dies but they never find her body. She was pregnant when she died as well. Since her death, Costner keeps getting encounters with people that keep claiming that have seen her in the afterlife and she is trying to send him a message. The first hour and a half of the movie is Costner trying to decipher the message. If they had made more clues for it to actually demand that much time needed for it then it would have been fine. However, it was just the same clue over and over and over again; cross like wiggly shape…oooh exciting.

Now you may be thinking that I make everyone think that the movies on this list are horrible and that they should never watch them unless they want to waste their money and time…and you would be right, that is exactly what I am trying to do.

73rd Worst Movie: Premonition

2009-11-23T13:41:00.001-08:00

“Premonition” Starring Sandra Bullock, Julian McMahon and Nia Long
Directed by Mennan Yapo

“Forewarning” To Confusion
By Michele Dillon

This movie wasn’t necessarily bad, it was confusing. The idea was kind of interesting but I hate when a director takes the movie in a direction that doesn’t get explained. I don’t mind being confused during the first half of the movie if it means that I am going to understand what is going on later (also known as: suspense thriller). But at the end of this movie, I was left thinking; “OK, I think I get it…no wait that makes no sense…wait, it kind of DOES make sense…agh!” I am still not sure that I have come to a definitive conclusion. The only thing that I could think of that sort of makes sense is that on Thursday when Sandra Bullock’s day starts, that is when the cycle of her premonition starts. If you think about it that way, then the rest of it makes sense but then you are still left wondering, but what did she actually DO on the days following up to Thursday? Just because the movie starts on the day of Thursday, doesn’t mean that Bullock’s character had no life before Thursday. If none of you have seen this movie, my rambling probably makes no sense, so by my definition, I am a bad movie reviewer because you are left confused as well…but I feel OK about it because I didn’t spend all this money on it and cast really good actors to play the roles so it’s not a waste for me…

74th Worst Movie: Basic Instinct 2

2009-11-17T11:46:00.000-08:00

“Basic Instinct 2” Starring Sharon Stone, Hugh Dancy and David Thewlis
Directed by Michael Caton-Jones

My Basic Instinct: This Movie Sucked
By Michele Dillon

Question #1.) How does Sharon keep getting hired to make movies?
Question #2.) Why isn’t Sharon Stone making porn instead, since that is basically what her movies are only it can comes to the theatres instead of DVD.
Question #3.) Why did I come up with this idiotic idea to watch the worst movies in the world?…it seems like they all have my LEAST favorite actors in them or ones that I have never heard of but they annoy me just the same. (AKA Kim Basinger and Sharon Stone)

I think it is pretty clear that my stance on this movie is that I did not like it. It was a horrible plot, horrible script, horrible acting and horrible Sharon Stone. The first Basic Instinct movie wasn’t even that good, why did they feel the need to make a second one? It was not necessary and I feel really bad that the director never got his time or money back for this horrible idea.

75th Worst Movie: Out Cold

2009-11-17T11:44:00.001-08:00

“Out Cold” Starring Jason London, Lee Majors and Zach Galifianakis
Directed by Brendan Malloy and Emmett Malloy

Outdone
By Michele Dillon

This move was not as bad as I thought it was going to be. I was expecting some stupid stoner movie about snowboarding much like the same comedy of Grandma’s Boy, which I know most people love that movie but I do not. It WAS a stoner movie about snowboarding BUT it was much less annoying than I expected. The storyline wasn’t too bad. These guys work on a ski mountain and they are obsessed with snow boarding. This new hot shot guy comes in and wants to buy the mountain and he slowly transforms it into everything the mountain never was and never should be. So all the previous workers try to claim the mountain back and along the way they have fun doing all sorts of weird stuff.
One of my favorite parts of the movie was when Zach Galifianakis’ character was passed out drunk and his buddies picked him up and put him in a car in the driver seat. Then they all got in the passenger seats and had people outside the car spin the vehicle around in a circle (since this movie was based in Alaska, there is always snow on the ground) to make it seem like Zach’s character had fallen asleep drunk at the wheel and they were crashing. He wakes up and starts freaking out and tries to straighten out the wheel because he really thinks it is happening. I thought it was pretty hilarious and I would have had a lot of fun trying to pull that prank on someone I know.
I don’t think I would ever voluntarily watch this movie again, however because of the very basic script and mediocre acting. I am not really one to watch these types of comedies since I think most stoner movies can only be understood by stoners themselves. I will say, however, that Grandma’s Boy was “outdone” by this movie as far as quality goes.

Out Of Order

2009-11-17T11:16:00.000-08:00

I have been waiting for this one movie The Wash, which is the next movie in line on the Worst list. It has been on "short wait" on my online Blockbuster list for over two weeks now! They keep sending me the movies that are right after those so...forgive me, I must post a few of the reviews out of order since I am still trying to stay within my deadline, I will make sure that The Wash review is posted as soon as whoever is holding the movie that is on the Worst list in their house forever on end...
This is killing me too, cause I have watched some of the movies out of order but I don't want to post them out of order on my blog...but I must...forgive me I must...:)

77th Worst Movie: See No Evil

2009-11-11T12:29:00.001-08:00

“See No Evil” Starring Kane, Christina Vidal and Michael J. Pagan
Directed by Gregory Dark

See No Good
By Michele Dillon

There are so many bad horror movies out there that I am pretty sure they could have created the 100 Worst Movie list solely with just this genre. Let me start out by saying first that Kane is one ugly dude. I know they probably made him look a lot uglier than he his, but I don’t think you can make someone look THAT ugly if they didn’t start off with some raw material. Ok, now straight from insulting the actors too…insulting the actors…their acting that is. I think that the movie industry has got it all wrong. A horror movie is going to have a bad script and it’s going to have a bad plot so to balance it all out, they should hire amazing actors. Now I’m obviously not saying amazing AND famous actors, otherwise they would not sign on for the role. But I’m sure you can find some nobodies out there who are just dying to release their acting chops by screaming their heads off!

The movie was about a crazy ugly dude, Kane, who runs (or I guess more appropriately, “stalks”) around killing people and then ripping their eyes out. It’s really kind of pointless and it’s not all that scary either. You are just waiting the entire movie for him to either die or just kill everyone, whichever one will make the movie end faster. Fortunately, one of those two things did happen, but just in case you actually feel like watching a movie that will bore the hell out of you, I won’t reveal which one it is.

78th Worst Movie: My Boss’s Daughter

2009-11-11T12:26:00.000-08:00

“My Boss’s Daughter” Starring Ashton Kutcher, Tara Reid and Terrence Stamp
Directed by David Zucker

Meet the Daugther
By Michele Dillon

I saw this movie in the theatre when it came out. I think what I am going to tell you is enough review in itself to know how horrible of a movie this is. I NEVER laughed ONCE throughout the entire movie when I saw it. It’s supposed to be a comedy and I never even stifled a giggle. So I’m sure you can feel what my dismay was when I realized I had to endure this movie another time.

I thought it then and I think it now, the movie is a LAME rip-off of Meet the Parents. Where the guy is trying to impress the girl’s father but everything he does and says goes horribly wrong. I don’t think anyone could have made a more horrible movie more than Zucker who is the director of most of the "Scary Movies" Franchise. Just thinking about how much this movie is a lot like Parents and the fact that Zucker likes to make spoofs, it makes me think of whether or not he was actually TRYING to spoof Parents. If that’s the case….the movie STILL isn’t funny.

The End

P.S. If you are counting down with me, I am sure you have noticed how many movies I have left to watch as opposed to days I have left....I am going to have to devote the next 73 days of my life to this blog it looks like!

79th Worst Movie: Venom

2009-11-06T11:49:00.000-08:00

"Venom" Starring Agnus Bruckner, Jonathan Jackson and Laura Ramsey
Directed by Jim Gillespie

Denim By
Michele Dillon

Things I Am Scared Of That May Be In A Scary Movie (but not limited to this list):
1.) Any kind of insect that is doing something it shouldn't (example: being larger than normal, walking faster than normal, biting people's heads off...)
2.) Talking dolls (this may also have something to do with the fact that I do not like objects doing things they shouldnt)
3.) Clowns (they are just plain scary and they have creepy smiles)
4.) Spiders in general (big, small, medium)
5.) People that wear masks (or any kind of thing that covers what their face really looks like)
6. Chainsaws (you would think at this point in time we could invent a chainsaw that does not make that huge loud creepy sound!)

Ok...I think you get the point. I'm a wimp. However, I was able to watch this movie and not get scared at all. In fact, I was so NOT scared that I titled this review "Denim" since that is exactly what I was thinking about during this movie (also, it rhymed with Venom, whether that is just coincedental, that is up to you to decide). The movie was about evil spirited possessed snakes (ok, so I wasn't really thinking about denim, it just rhymed, ok!). Evil spirits have the possibility of being scary, possession has proven to be scary in The Exorcism of Emily Rose, but snakes? Whats creepy about snakes? So they slither on the ground and they can eat things that are 4 times bigger than their own heads, but other than those two VERY minor things, they are not scary at all! If you see a snake you have a very good chance of running away since they really are not that fast. Ok, so it might end up being poisonous but you can just suck the venom right out! It's easy!

So I don't know what this director/screenwriter was thinking...the basic rules of movie making are a.) if its not a good script, then make a scary movie out of it and b.) if its not a good script and it can't be made into a scary movie, then DON'T MAKE THE MOVIE.

80th Worst Movie: Man of the House

2009-11-06T11:47:00.000-08:00

"Man of the House" Starring Tommy Lee Jones, Cedric The Entertainer and Christina Millian
Directed by Stephen Herek

Cheerleading Bonanza
By Michele Dillon

There are many things I didn't like about this movie. One of them being that there are cheerleaders in it. And they aren't even that cute. So that leaves that they are just bubbly and annoying. Another one of them being that this movie was supposed to be about how the cheerleaders had witnessed a murder so Tommy Lee Jones had to protect them from being killed. The reason why that bothers me is 1.) the cheerleaders don't remember anything and 2.) they covered the part where Jones protects the cheerleaders but they don't ever cover the part where the police department is activily trying to find the killer in the first place so the killer doesn't even get brought up again until the ending when everything goes awry. So basically this movie was just relying on Jones' acting and the cheerleaders being hot. None of which did it really have going for it.

Other than those major things, the actul flow of the movie was not bad and I didn't really start to get bored until the very end. I do, however, think that it belongs on the Worst list.

81st Worst Movie: Underclassman

2009-11-02T15:17:00.000-08:00

"Underclassman" Starring Nick Cannon, Cheech Marin and Roselyn Sanchez
Directed by Marcos Siega

"Blunder"classman
By Michele Dillon

So my beef with this movie does not have so much to do with how horrible it is and whether or not it should be on the Worst list but more with my hatred for Nick Cannon and all that is his non acting abilities. I really think he should stick to hosting Americas Got Talent because he certainly does not have it. The movie itself was not all bad. I just had a sense of "deja vu" watching it because it was just another one of those cop movies where there is a clumsy cop who doesn't follow the rules but is apparantly smart enough to have made it on the team, but then he messes up bad enough to get kicked off the team, but of course he is going to still investigate his case because being kicked off doesn't stop him from doing anything he wants to do, then he saves the day and gets put back on the team...I feel like I JUST watched a movie like this....oh yeah! Taxi! That is pretty coincedental that they are both on the Worst list...or is it??
Some of you may be wondering, am I getting sick of watching all these horrible movies just so I can entertain your mind by reading my hilarious antics and clever titles, and the answer is yes...yes I am...but I push through. I keep going, and you want to know why? Because I know how bad my four followers love to log on to their computers every day and recieve a notice that there is a brand new blog to read by the amazing Michele Dillon and that might just have brightened their entire day...oh yes, I do this for you, four followers, for you!

82nd Worst Movie: The Skulls

2009-11-02T14:52:00.000-08:00

"The Skulls" Starring Joshua Jackson, Paul Walker and Leslie Bibb
Directed by Rob Cohen

"Secret Society Mayhem"
By Michele Dillon

I actually used to watch this movie all the time when I was younger and I really liked it. So
personally, I have no clue why this movie is on the list. Its not the best movie ever made, but it's
detinitely not the Worst either. The movie is about where a college student wants to join a secret
society because he believes that is the only way he will be able to pay for law school. However, he gets into a falling out with his friend because his friend doesn't believe in secret socities. The friend decides to do an expose on the The Skulls, which is the name of the society, and ends up being found hung in his bedroom and it looks like a suicide. The wannabe lawyer then decides he needs to find out what really happened and what he finds out rocks his world.

Anyway, after getting over the initial giggle fest I just had after using the phrase "rocks his world", I think the idea of the movie is good, the script is ok, the acting is not bad, it may have been a little cheesy but I was able to handle it. All in all, I thought for the type of movie it was, it was watchable and I don't think it constituted a place on this list. Therefore I am entering in my FIRST and ONLY (so far) VETO of this movie being on the list. Veto meaning, I absolutely do not agree it should be on the 100 Worst Movies List. So there.

83rd Worst Movie: A Sound of Thunder

2009-11-02T14:38:00.000-08:00

"A Sound of Thunder" Starring Edward Burns, Ben Kingsley and John Wallenbeck
Directed by Peter Hyams

"A Sound of a.....Bad Movie"
By Michele Dillon

Aww man...I can't believe I wasted my "blunder" title on "Underclassman" when I could have used it for this movie....but anyway, I'm completely over it.
The second I turned this movie on I knew it was going to be a movie well worth being on the Worst list. It is supposed to be set in the future but instead of just trying to make current things seem futuristic, the entire movie seems like it is CGI'd. There are numerous scenes where the actors are walking on the sidewalk and it shows the cars driving by that are supposed to be inventions from the future, but they have such a cartoonish vibe to them and it doesnt look real at all. You can totally tell that the actors are working in front of green screens. As if that wasn't enough to make the movie completely not deserving of my respect, the storyline was horrible too. It was about where a scientist had invented a time traveling machine and has used it to make money by having rich people sign up to travel back in time to the dinosaur land and have the adventure of killing a real live dinosaur. However, they can't change anything in order to make sure the future doesn't change so they make sure that they keep killing the same dinosaur over and over again each time and they only can kill it once it is clear it was already going to die anyway. During one of the trips, something goes wrong but they believe that they have everything under control once they leave. However, things start changing in the real world after the trip. Vegetation starts growing everywhere and weird animals start errupting because evolution somewhow got changed. Pretty soon, according to the scientist that invented the machine, she believes humans will eventually change into a completely different mutation as well unless they find a way to go back to the original trip where something went wrong and fix it before it happens so everything goes back to normal.
The only glitch in this dumb idea of a movie is the basic knowledge of how time travel works. In time traveling, if you go back to a time where something already occurrs and for example, talk to someone there, then that means that the person that was talked too is going to remember that in the present. So the idea in this movie where one of the characters manages to go back to where everything went wrong and fix what happened, doesn't make sense because he talks to one of the scientists on the trip, yet the first time around this never happened. Its just not possible and it doesn't make sense therefore it is stupid....I know they way I explained it probably makes no sense either but explaining time travel is hard so forgive me.

84th Worst Movie: Stealing Harvard

2009-11-02T14:20:00.000-08:00

"Stealing Harvard" Starring Tom Green, Jason Lee and Leslie Mann
Directed by Bruce McCulloch

Should Have Gone To Yale
By Michele Dillon

Ok, so this is another one of the movies on the list that isn't as HORRIBLE as I thought it would be. The premise of the movie is that John (Jason Lee) has been saving for a downpayment on a house with his fiance Elaine (Leslie Mann) who had told him that they can't get married until they have $30,000 for the downpayment. Then he finds out that his one and only neice, who he has been playing father figure for since she was born, got accepted to Harvard and a long while ago when she was 7, he had promised her if she ever got accepted to college that he would pay for it. Of course the exact amount she needs after all her scholarships and financial aid is close to $30,000. So instead of telling his fiance that he needs $30,000 for a promise he made to his neice, he decides to get the help of his friend Duff (Tom Green) to plot and plan how to "steal" the money from other sources. Of course, all of their ideas never work out so it ends up getting them more and more in trouble and leads to disaster.

The only thing that really irked me about this movie was that Lee and Green went to such drastic measures to try and get $30,000 that it was really unbelievable, and not unbelievable in a funny way. When something is so entirely unrealistic like that, its hard to dissassociate it from whether it was all done on purpose to seem that stupid or if the movie really is just stupid. There were a couple funny parts throughout the movie but overall I am a really big Non-Fan of Tom Green AND Jason Lee and Leslie Mann was the only one that saved the movie for me.

85th Worst Movie: Kangaroo Jack

2009-10-26T15:16:00.000-07:00

"Kangaroo Jack" Starring Jerry O'Connell, Anthony Anderson and Estella Warren
Directed by David McNally

"Aus"um (You know like "Aus"trailia)
By Michele Dillon

Ok, so this movie was not exactly awesome but compared to all the other movies that I have had to sit through, this one was grade A. I thought it was going to be very childish but really the only thing that was child oriented about it was the CGI'd kangaroo. Everything else, such as the storyline and the script was very adult. I don't think I would have let my child watch this movie. Mostly the scene in the airport bathroom with the numerous inuendos of talking about something referred to as a "brown package" when they are really talking about a manilla envelope with $50,000 dollars in it.

This movie does make me wonder though, how come Jerry O'Connell hasn't done a good acting job since Stand By Me?

Anyway, back to the actual movie at hand. The storyline was kind of creative in a "the screenwriter must be high" kind of way and the acting wasn't that horrible in a "there must have not been anyone else who would do this" kind of way. I was actually expecting the kangaroo to talk throughout the movie but that only happened when the credits were rolling. All in all, I have seen WAY worse movies than this that I would gladly put on this list in its place.

My Comments!

2009-10-20T16:01:00.001-07:00

Ok, so I have a total of 2 followers...but who is counting.
I've got a total of 4 comments, 2 of which are from myself and 2 of which are from my mother...but who is counting....

Because of the above stated facts, I am going to get rid of my guest booker because it is not very efficient. It doesn't post the most recent comments, even though I have set it up to do it that way, and it makes you read the comments one by one instead of letting you scroll through them all and who knows, if one day I have a million comments, that could get very inconvenient. But who knows if my mom even has that much time on her hands anyway...

Don't let the fact that I don't have a guest book deter you from leaving a comment though! Instead- become my follower! Then you can leave a comment on any blog that you want! How exciting! Here is how to become my follower:

1.) Click on this link: https://www.google.com/accounts/NewAccount

2.) Type in your email address, create a password, and accept the terms and conditions to create an account.

3.) Sign in to www.blogger.com and visit my blog: www.worstoftheworstmovies.blogspot.com.

4.) On the very top of the screen there is an option that says: Follow Blog. Click on that and VOILA! You are my official blog follower!

If you already have a google account, then you can use the same user name and password to log in to blogger.com.

Just so you guys can remember what past readers (AKA: my mom) wrote before about my blog writing abilities I have posted them below for your viewing pleasure:

Comment from Deborah: "Interesting statement you made about Katie's cheezy look. You're right about unsalvagible story lines. How about the movies the directors turn into bad story lines from decent books- well that's just wrong. I like reading blogs like yours, which show strong voice and wit. "

Comment from Deborah: "Goodness I love your sense of humor on these musings. Not a bad poem, either. Not sure this message will take."

86th Worst Movie: Gods and Generals

2009-10-16T14:15:00.001-07:00

"Gods and Generals" Starring Jeff Daniels, Robert Duvall, and Stephen Lang
Directed by Ronald F. Maxwell

Boring and Boring
By Michele Dillon

I can't even review this movie. This is why...

I put it in and started watching: what a concept. The movie didn't make sense at all. It seemed like it just started out of nowhere and they were already in the middle of the war. You couldn't tell who the characters were either. Then I realized about halfway through...the dvd was one of those rare dvd's that has 2 sides and the first part of the movie was on the flipside of the disc...how stupid am I?

But I didn't have the guts to turn the movie over and watch the beginning because I was so bored from the ending! I'm sorry if I am letting my total of 3 followers (my mom doesn't know how to sign up for an account (or she doesn't want too) to be my REAL follower but she still reads it) down by not watching this movie in its entirety but I think that you should forgive me immediately...like now.

87th Worst Movie: Darkness Falls

2009-10-16T13:33:00.000-07:00

"Darkness Falls" Starring Chaney Kley, Emma Caulfield, and Lee Cormie
Directed by Jonathan Liebesman

Darkness "Fails"
By Michele Dillon

Any movie that has to do with the tooth fairy has to be good, right? I wish I could have put this movie under my pillow and gotten my money back for it. OK, so it was on my online movie list so it was virutally free, and OK I am watching bad movies for the purpose of this blog, but who am I not to make fun of a bad movie if I have the chance?

The premise of the movie is basically a tooth fairy gone bad. An old woman's house caught fire and her face gets burnt so bad she has to walk around with a porcelain mask everywhere she goes. Two children went missing and she somehow got blamed, probably cause she wore a creepy porecelain mask. So the town decided to sentence her to death by hanging. Lo and behold, the two missing children came back the next day unharmed. But now, it is too late, she is coming back and haunting/killing/looking creepy in her porcelain mask on the night that a child loses their last tooth. In order to escape her wrath, you have to stay in the light; which is the case of the main character Kyle, who has been staying in the light for 17 years...can we say 'fraidy cat?

Now, I am not sure how the story of how the women died corresponds to her being afraid of light. Does the light remind her of the fire she burned in? If so, that has nothing to do with her being hung to death for a crime she did not committ...it was her own stupid fault that she got burnt in a fire and ended up with a fugly face...
Also, why does she target children when it was the adults that sentenced her to die? Old creepy lady, you don't make any sense! This was probably one of the most poorly developed horror movies I have ever watched. I could have played a drinking game to how many times anyone said "stay in the light" or "don't go in the dark" or "stop looking at me with your creepy porcelain face". Ok, so I made up that last one.

Anyway, what else can I say? This movie outdid itself in the art of sucking.

88th Worst Movie: White Noise

2009-10-07T09:45:00.000-07:00

"White Noise" Starring Michael Keaton, Chandra West, and Deborah Kara Unger
Directed by Geoffrey Sax

Static-y
By Michele Dillon

So I actually went into this movie knowing nothing about it. I can't say I was pleasantly surprised, nor can I say that it was the "Worst" movie I've ever seen. The premise of this movie is that Michael Keaton's wife goes missing. A man approaches him and advises him that he has been recieving messages from her through EVP, which is Electronic Voice Phenomena. This is where you can hear voices of the dead in the white noise of radio and see faces from white noise on the TV. Not but one day later, his wife is found dead. Keaton then becomes obsessed with trying to hear his wife through EVP himself because he is convinced she is trying to communicate an important message to him. He soon realizes that you don't only hear the good people that died, you can also hear the bad. From then on, he tries to uncover the mystery of whether the bad people are really just voices or if they are having an affect on the real word.This is another case of the idea being really good but the movie not taking it as far as it can go. First off, they don't really go into great detail on explanations of why certain things occur so you are left trying to fill in the gaps yourself with your amazing knowledge of the subject of EVP. Which, unless I am the only one who first heard of EVP in this movie, then this can leave you very confused. Secondly, it is quite boring having to watch Keaton sit in front of a TV staring at the white noise OR sit in his car listening to white noise; watching...waiting...listening...waiting. They wasted too much time having the white noise be completely nothing. I think they were trying to create suspense so it would make us jump out of our seat once something actually happened...good thought, but the viewers might fall asleep first.Other than those two things, the rest of the movie was OK. I was kind of intrigued to see where they were taking it but overall I would give it a D+.

89th Worst Movie: Elektra

2009-10-07T09:43:00.000-07:00

"Elektra" Starring Jennifer Garner, Goran Visnjic and Kristen Prout
Directed by Rob Bowman

"Elektra"cuted
By Michele Dillon

I just can't get over how amazing my review titles are. They just keep getting cleverer and cleverer. Is cleverer a word? Anyway, I actually have seen this movie numerous times and I fail to see what is so deathly wrong with it. Sure, the script is cheesy if not barfarific (I'm pretty sure THAT is a word). And sure the acting is probably the worst I have ever seen Jennifer Garner do. Sure, it is really weird to see a crow fly out of someone's chest tattoo, but that means nothing! This movie is awesome! Ok, maybe not awesome...probably the only thing that is awesome actually is Garner's abs, but still. It has a lot going for it. Lets list them:

1.) Jennifer Garner
2.) Jennifer Garner's Abs
3.) Jennifer Garner in skimpy clothing (because even a girl can appreciate it)
4.) Jennifer Garner kicking butt and last and probably the most important thing
5.) Jennifer Garner
So now that I have summed this up for you, it is VERY clear that this movie should not be anywhere on this Worst Movie list and it is just propestperous (spell check) to say otherwise. In fact, it should be on the Top 100 Best Movies...yeah I said it.

(Side note: for those of you who do not know me that well and can not recognize my humor, the above review was basically all sarcasm.)

Stay Tuned...

2009-10-05T18:37:00.001-07:00

The next two blogs I will be writing are for the movies: Elektra and White Noise. They should be posted within the next couple of days. Until then, lets enjoy an Ode, everybody loves an Ode:

Ode to the Worst Movies

Oh, movie directors, all the wonder you create.
If not for you, this blog would not be my fate.
Oh wonderful actors, all the classes you could take.
But if you did, how many good movies could you make?

These past 10 movies have been a dread.
After 100, I just might be dead.
Some were good, some were OK.
Some bad enough the directors should pay.

Oh Worst Movies, how you make me feel
Like a brand new woman, reel after reel

By Michele Dillon

90th Worst Movie: The Number 23

2009-09-28T10:01:00.000-07:00

"The Number 23" Starring Jim Carrey, Virginia Madsen and Rhona Mitra
Directed by Joel Schumacher

2+3=5, 3-2=1, 5+1=6!!
By Michele Dillon

You may not have gotten my humor in the title. But basically I was playing the same number game they play in the movie and I was taking the numbers 2 and 3 to make 6 to make it seem like the movie is the devil...you know a joke is good if you have to explain it.
So, the premise of this movie is that Virginia Madsen, who plays Jim Carrey's wife, finds a book called The Number 23 and finds it interesting so she gives it to her husband to read. He starts to get obsessed with the book because it seems really similiar to his own life and he starts seeing the number 23 everywhere he goes. He thinks that the number is a curse and its going to haunt him forever.
The movie had a good idea and a good starting point, but it wasn't taken anywhere; at least not anywhere exciting. It seems like the director was just trying to be artistic and the storyline got lost in the process. After awhile, hearing about all the ways that you could turn anything into the numbers 23 got a little old and it seemed that is the only thing the movie was going to focus on until it gets to the last 30 minutes of the movie. Of course there was a twist, which I wont mention for those of you who still want to watch the movie after my review, but even the twist was lacking. I turned off the movie feeling disappointed because I felt it had all this potential that didn't get used because it was relying on the actual idea of the plot, instead of developing the idea.

91st Worst Movie: Urban Legends: Final Cut

2009-09-28T07:26:00.000-07:00

"Urban Legends: Final Cut" Starring Jennifer Morrison, Matthew Davis and Eva Mendes
Directed by: John Ottman

Urban Legends' Final Dud
By Michele Dillon

I could have guessed this one was going to bad just because it fits into the stereotypical horror flick that tries to have a new and interesting plot. The fact of the matter is, you're not a horror movie if you have a new and interesting plot, thats called a 'suspense thriller'. However, I will give this movie one props; I was trying to figure out who the killer was throughout the movie and I thought it was quite obvious but it ended up being someone else. I hate when I get duped by a bad movie...
Anyway, the plot, if you want to call it that, is about a group of film students who are trying to direct the best film by the end of the year in order to win an award. One of the students, Jennifer Morrison, comes up with the idea to make a film about a serial killer who kills based off of Urban Legends. Little did she know, her idea would be turned into reality.
Ok, so I can't bash on the acting because the casting director of a horror movie is not looking for chops, they're looking for cha chas. So next in line is the script...wheras I just mentioned above, I can't bash on that either or otherwise it couldn't be a horror movie. So what does that leave me? Whether or not I was scared. This is a pretty easy thing to do. I am a pretty big wimp. However, this movie was not scary whatsoever. Anytime anything scary was meant to happen, it was really predictable how it was going to end. Not only that, but there were 2 or more scenes where the killer tries to kill off the main character but she ends up escaping. How likley is that when the killer has just managed to kill about 10 other people? One of my biggest pet peeves is when the movie makes out the killer to be this really smart pshyco who leaves you no mercy and gives you no chance to escape, but when it comes time to kill the main character, he all of the sudden becomes slow and clumsy and not only does the table fake out (you know, where the killer is on one end of the table, the victim on the other, and then they do this sort of dance in each direction, "oh no, where do I go" thing) but he ends up spilling the beans on how he accomplished all the killings and the reasoning behind it and takes FOREVER killing the main character. Come on, get it over with or get caught.
So thats my two cents on this fine movie. I think you can guess if it is still on the Worst list in my consideration.

92nd Worst Movie: First Daughter

2009-09-16T09:52:00.000-07:00

"First Daugther" Starring Katie Holmes, Michael Keaton and Marc Blucas
Directed by Forest Whitaker

Second Slaughter
By Michele Dillon

The first slaughter would be Katie Holmes starring in Dawson's Creek. This movie is the second
slaughter. The third slaughter is Holmes marrying Tom Cruise and throwing away her movie career for a nut job. Sorry to be so harsh Katie, but you did. You haven't done anything decent since you married Tom and you know its because he is a psycho. Ok, but now to the movie itself. I was actually really surprised when I found out Forest Whitaker directed this movie because out of the movies I have seen him act in, I never would have guessed this would be the kind of movie he would direct. The premise of the story being that Holmes is the daughter of the President who is up for re-election. She is going off to college and just wants to have a normal college life but she can't because she always has secret service men following her wherever she goes to make sure she is safe. If the plot wasn't lacking, everything else was. It was a cheesball of a movie. There really is no other better word to use to describe it. The acting wasn't horrible and it didn't have bad actors in it. Michael Keaton is always a fan favorite. It was just one of those movies that yet again was effected by the script. When you don't have the right words and a good storyline, no matter who you put in the movie, it cannot be saved. That is basically the only thing this movie had going against it. That and that fact that Holmes kept making that face where she looks to the left, then the right, then smiles at her surroundings...look for
it, it's in almost everything. Not really one of those movies that I would die if I had to watch again but I was super excited once it ended so I could get on with my life (or you know, watching more horrible movies).

93rd Worst Movie: Juwanna Mann

2009-09-15T11:53:00.000-07:00

"Juwanna Mann" Starring Miguel A. Nunez, Vivica A. Fox and Kevin Pollack

Directed by Jesse Vaughan

Juwanna Bland

By Michele Dillon

The idea of this movie is something we have all seen or at least heard of before. It first started with Shakespeare and his story Twelfth Night and since has been integrated into movies such as this and She's the Man (a more direct version of the story). The premise is that Jamal Jeffries cannot play in the men's league of basketball for his crude behaivor and stuck up attitude so he gets the idea to dress up as a woman and play for the woman's league. During his time as a "woman" he discovers himself and realizes that he has had a super ego that he doesn't need to have. He starts to have a better career as a woman then he ever did as a man, but of course he gets discovered and the plot goes from there. The story itself wasn't such a bad idea, I myself am a fan of She's the Man even though I do get made fun of for it (ahem-by my sister-ahem). It was the acting that affected me in this movie. I dont believe I have ever seen Miguel Nunez in anything before this and I am so glad that I haven't. His high pitched voice reminded me of Chris Rock but not as funny and not as endearing. Usually when I watch a movie that shows how a person with a huge ego can turn around and become a better person I like the feel good touch it has. In this movie, however, it didn't touch me at all. I was mostly annoyed by Nunez's characters Jamal and Juwanna because they were both obnoxious and it seemed that it only took him one day to learn his lesson wheras if he truly had that big of an ego it would probably take him 1 year, if not more. The whole movie just dragged on and on as if it was never going to end and even though it wasn't the worst one I have watched out of all of these movies so far, it barely left me with any thoughts on it. I finished watching it with absolutely nothing interesting I wanted to say on it because it gave me no really bad emotion and no really good emotion. I sucked it up for the honor of this blog of course and found something to say, which ended up being negative so I guess that is what I thought of this movie.

94th Worst Movie: I Dreamed of Africa

2009-09-11T11:22:00.000-07:00

"I Dreamed of Africa" Starring Kim Bassinger and Daniel Craig
Directed by Hugh Hudson

I Nightmared of Bassinger
By Michele Dillon

Based on a true story, the movie is about a woman and her child along with her new husband living down in Africa and running a Ranch where they have to look out for poachers on their land. I love Africa. I love it's culture, it's animals, it's dancing, and most of the time I like the movies about it as well. In this case however, Africa was basically the background and this women's story, sad as it was, played the main part and was lacking of any adventure or excitement that you might associate with Africa.
I think it all boils down to two things. The script and the acting. I think it is clear that I have a general dislike for Kim Bassinger from my previous blog. I will try not to cloud my judgement with that bias when I talk about how horrible the acting was in this movie. But first the script: basically 2 minutes into the movie we are supposed to believe that Bassinger is in love with this man that she got into a car accident with. It is supposed to be showing a span of a few months but it is so choppy, that trying to believe that this man, who lost his girlfriend/wife in the accident, falls in love so fast with Bassinger almost makes you sick because you feel like he didn't have any time to grieve. The lines are written with no feeling and leaves you confused as to how it went from one scene to another scene, almost like they missed something along the way. But then there were also times where stuff occurred that seemed like it was supposed to be important to the story but it was never mentioned again and never explained. Such as the symbolical egg that contains a message inside of it. Bassinger's husband puts a message inside a giant egg and advises her she has to crack the egg in order to see it. He also says that she will know when the right time will be to open it. From the time it is introduced there are numerous scenes where it shows the egg and it still has not been opened but by the end of the movie, they never reveal if it was opened and if so, what the message was. So why even put it in the movie at all?
Now for the acting; Bassinger delievers her lines with absolutely no feeling. Sure she cries and puts a fake anguished look on her face but I feel absolutely no emotion from anything she ever says. Its like she is a dummy saying the lines her master is giving her. As for everyone else, there wasn't any one reconizable in the film other than Daniel Craig who didn't play a big enough of a part to award any criticism. The kid who plays her son, Liam Aiken, I reconized as being the son in the movie Stepmom. You can't really criticize a child's acting but I will for the lack of not having anyone else to pick on but Bassinger. He was quite annoying actually for being such a cute kid. He was repetitive and even though this is what was given to him, he kept calling his mother "pep" which we, again, get no explanation as to the meaning of this. I could only assume it was another way of saying mom. I can see why this movie was on the list but it also wasn't as bad as the other movies I have watched so far even though I hate Bassinger. However, I wouldn't reccomend to watch it either.

Stay Tuned For: I Dreamed of Africa

2009-09-08T12:39:00.000-07:00

Starring Kim Bassinger and Daniel Craig

Can I review this movie without watching it?.....Please?

Let's make a list of the movies that Kim Bassinger has been in and see if they were any good, just for an idea:

Batman: Yes it was good but that is only because Batman himself is a badass, and obviously she didn't bring much to the film since they didn't want her in the second one.

8 Mile: Uh....I'm going to have to say no...do I need to explain?

Cellular: Soundtrack=Good, Movie=What is that word again? It means the opposite of good...ryhmes with sad, mad...man, why can't I think of it...oh yeah, bad

The Sentinel: Even Keifer Sutherland let me down in this one...

While She Was Out: You may have not even heard of this one, that is because it came straight to DVD. You may ask me why I watched it when I obviously don't like Kim Bassinger. The answer is: I don't value my life as much as I thought I did

Actual review of this movie will be up by Thursday at latest, my obituary will be in the newspaper on Friday at earliest...

95th Worst Movie: Taxi

2009-09-03T11:49:00.000-07:00

"Taxi" Starring Jimmy Fallon, Queen Latifah and Jennifer Esposito
Directed by Tim Story

I'd Rather Take the Bus
By Michele Dillon

I believe I saw this one in the theatres when it first came out. I remember that I really liked it then because I was a huge Jimmy Fallon fan. Watching it this time around, I didn't absolutley hate it. But I also didn't have my love for Jimmy clouding my judgement. So the verdict this time around is, I loved the car racing scenes, I didn't love the script or the acting. On SNL, Fallon had a gift for making people laugh, it was his out of place humor and the fact that he cracked up during almost every skit that made him loveable. On film, he didnt hold that same stature. Probably because this skit lasted for about and hour and a half. He had a few good lines but for the most part, the story just wasn't funny enough to fit his personality. Queen Latifiah gets better with age. I did not like and still do not like any of the roles she played when she was younger, including this one. She was just way too overzealous with her character and just didn't hit my funny spot even though I knew she was trying. This was definitely the best one I saw out of the everything so far but only by a few marks.

96th Worst Movie: Say It Isn't So

2009-09-03T09:34:00.000-07:00

"Say It Isn't So" Starring Heather Graham, Chris Klein and Sally Fields
Directed by J.B. Rogers

"It Isn't So"
By Michele Dillon

Why? Why did I come up with this horrid idea? I thought I watched a lot of bad movies, but there is all these movies out there that I didn't even know about! I may be jumping the gun here by saying this movie should be the #1 Worst Movie, but I will do it, in fact, I already have, I have jumped. There was not ONE thing I liked about this movie. Chris Klein's voice is probably one of the most annoying ones out there and yet this movie has him doing voice over. On top of that, they made him the main character when he can't even be very good at a supporting role and Graham is supposed to be the most beautiful girl anyone has ever seen, which is equivalent to us having to believe that Nikki Reed is supposed to be the most beautiful person in the world (for those of you Twlight readers/movie goers, you know what I am talking about). The premise of the story is that they fall in love and are about to get married but then Klein finds out that she is his sister. So she moves away and doesn't want to see him again. Only around 18 months later does he find out that she actually ISN'T his sister so then he treks all the way from Indiana to Oregon to try and find her again to convince her that he is not her brother and they can get married. If the actual storyline isn't sick enough for you, the part where Klein gets his hand stuck in a cow's rear end will be or the part where he takes pubic hair from a garbage can and uses it to fashion a beard so he can disguise himself will. Not even good old Sally Fields could overshadow anyone in this film. I just can't fathom being an actor, having picked up this script, read it, and thought it to be good enough to try out for. But yet again, Chris Klein and Heather Graham really don't have any other options do they?

Inglorius Basterds: On My BEST Movie List

2009-09-02T07:34:00.000-07:00

Ok, so this is not one of the Worst of the Worst movies on the list. Actually, its FAR from it. I have been patiently waiting for my next Worst movie to come in the mail from the oh so ever fast online Blockbuster (sarcastic tone). So, to occupy my time, I must watch good movies to outweigh the bad. This movie outweighed all four of the past Worst movies I watched! And that is saying a lot!

I am not a huge fan of Quentin Tarantino. It always seems like he sticks to the same stuff and doesn't really go outside the box of "Samurai Sword Slashers". I had a Kill Bill phaze back in high school with my friend Stephanie where we were absolutley obsessed. So naturally we thought the rest of his movies would be good. I'm probably one of the few people who will say it aloud, Pulp Fiction sucks! Reservoir Dogs sucks! Sorry to have go to such drastic measures...

In my mind, Tarantino hasn't made any other movies than Inglorius Basterds. That way, it's OK for me to say that he is one of the best directors out there. This movie combined everything that is good about a movie into one: action, supberb acting, amazing script, witty out of place comedy, gore (but not TOO much that you puke), and a lead up to an ending that leaves a very satisfying taste in your mouth. On top of all that, you end up loving the villian, not because you side with him, but because he makes you hate him so much that revenge is sweet. Not to say that you can't see Tarantino's style. There is still the shocking scenes and the bloody mess but it's done in such a way that doesn't make you say "Cheesy!". This movie has a smorgasbord of languages in it as well: English, French and German. You have to read some subtitles but that only makes it seem more authentic.

To put it in a simple form of description, when I left the theatre all I could say was "Bad Ass!"

97th Worst Movie: Slackers

2009-08-30T11:19:00.000-07:00

"Slackers" Starring Devon Sawa, Jason Segel and James King
Directed By Dewey Nicks

Slackers or Whackos?
By Michele Dillon

This was another one of the movies that I had already seen. I had watched it a few years back and I didn’t really think much of it then about whether it was good or bad. However, I didn’t put it on my list of favorites either. Now that I watched it again and was actually paying attention enough to critique the film, I can officially say, this is the 4th movie I have watched on the list, and I have not disagreed with it yet. I have watched my fair share of horrible movies in my life; it feels kind of weird watching so many in a row. I’m sure that by the end of this blog, I won’t dare watch another bad movie again…for at least 2 months. So let me get started on why this movie, for lack of a better word, sucked. For one, I am really sick of actresses like James King that put a bad name out there for other ladies who are trying to make their name in this business by actually using their acting chops. King, along with other young actresses such as Scarlett Johannsen, uses her sex appeal and tries to pass it off as a good performance. Yeah, it may be good to any man watching the movie, but for us women who don’t get blinded by her “amazing beauty” are stuck watching her acting instead, which is definitely lacking. On the other hand, as far as actors go, this movie has someone in it that I admire and respect for his talent; Jason Segel. This movie was made WAY before that respect grew however and everyone has a bad stage in their game and therefore, I forgive you Jason. So as for the plot, Slackers is about three guys who are in college who have made their way so far by concocting outrageous plans to cheat on their exams. This is working out for them quite well until a crazy psycho who is in love with a girl that one of them decided to talk too, blackmails them into trying to get her to like him or he will turn them in for cheating. Great storyline right? Wrong. These three guys are supposed to be smart enough to hack into the college computer systems, steal answers for tests and have gotten away with it for 4 years. We are supposed to believe, that in instead of using their superior knowledge to try and get the proof that the crazy psycho has to incriminate them, they are just going to go along with his whacko plan to swoon the girl for him. As if watching Jason Schwartzman portraying someone who is loony enough to be a serial killer isn’t enough to make the movie bizarre, it’s the random integrated scenes of dream sequences that have nothing to do with the movie’s plot whatsoever and are not entertaining which makes them a completely pointless addition to the film. I vow to never make another bad comment toward Halley Berry again if it means I don’t have to watch this overzealous, fanatical joke of a movie once more.

98th Worst Movie: Norbit

2009-08-30T11:13:00.000-07:00

"Norbit" Starring Eddie Murphy, Thandie Newton, and Eddie Griffin
Directed by Brian Robbins

“Norbit”uary
By Michele Dillon

I was in my right mind to fear watching this movie. I already was expecting it to be terrible and instead it was dreadful! Right now, the only good movie that I can remember Eddie Murphy being in is the Shrek series and he was playing an animated donkey. He needs to stop being an “ass” and start learning how to act again because pretty soon people are going to get tired of his one man show. I know I already am.
I think the only way to describe how awful this movie was, is to make a pros and cons list. I will start with the cons.

Cons
1.) Eddie Murphy in a fat suit portraying an evil, ugly woman who’s only dialogue is with herself and she seems to be in a competition to see how many times she can say “How YOU doin’?”. She almost won, if she had said it one more time, I would have slit my throat, or Eddie Murphy’s, whichever one would have been quickest.
2.) Cuba Gooding Jr. deciding to add yet another movie to his list of “how to persuade America I don’t deserve to make movies anymore, yet alone have been respected for my role in Radio”.
3.) Yet another storyline of boy meets girl, boy falls in love with girl, trouble ensues and boy gets blamed for something he did not do, boy proves himself right, boy gets girl. Did I give anything away?
4.) Fat humor…it’s not funny anymore. Wait…it was never funny.

Pros
1.) ????????

148 Days To Go, No Additional Movies Watched

2009-08-28T09:55:00.000-07:00

The next one on my list is Norbit....I am not looking forward to it. Yesterday, instead of being a lame person without a life and watching it so I don't have to worry about trying to make my deadline when it gets down to the last straw, I decided to go to an Indians baseball game with my boyfriend and his family. The tickets were free and I didnt watch one second of the game. They ended up winning but I didn't even care because I was perfectly happy drinking beer and talking with my boyfriend instead of letting him watch the game. Baseball is probably the worst sport ever. I can't wait for the hockey season to start. GO CHIEFS GO!

99th Worst Movie: A Man Apart

2009-08-27T09:38:00.000-07:00

"A Man Apart" Starring Vin Diesel, Larenz Tate and Timothy Olyphant
Directed by F. Gary Gray

A Man At Heart
By Michele Dillon

Vin Diesel: manly, muscular, dreamy...at least that is the perception of him by most easily distracted teenage girls. My perception of him is more like, I would like to get my hands on the person who handed him a script and then told him he could act, and then give that person a big giant noogie! I would be one of those people, and there aren't too many of them, who even though I see a preview of a movie and can tell it won't be good, I still want to give it a shot. Hence, it has always been my plan to watch A Man Apart at some point but I actually never got
around to it until now. The only reason I even thought about watching the movie in the first
place is because it had really good music in the trailer, which, strangly, is also how Diesel got me to watch Babylon AD, another disappointment. I am going to go ahead and say that this is yet another movie that is deserving of being on this list. I almost fell asleep twice, I thought the movie was going to end in three different places (which it never did) and it was very predictable. Yet it was still a step up in script as opposed to Catwoman, I will give it that. However, the whole movie did not make logical sense. Toward the beginning of the movie (spoiler alert), Diesel's wife gets killed and almost immediately he is already back at work trying to bring down her killer. That part makes sense, what doesn't make sense is that his boss at the DEA, doesn't give him any time to grieve and waits for Diesel to actually mess up before removing him from the case. Well duh, he is trying to hunt down the killer of his wife, he is not going to just arrest the guy, he is going to beat him to a pulp and risk other officers lives while doing it. I did not like the film style of the director at all either. He was all over the place. The movie is being filmed in what is supposed to be over 5 different locations of California, you can't even keep track of where they originally started and why it even matters that they are in San Pedro or Lower East Side. So end result of this horrible experience: droopy eyes and an increasing hatred of Vin Diesel.

100th Worst Movie: Catwoman

2009-08-26T16:43:00.000-07:00

"Catwoman" Starring Halle Barry, Benjamin Bratt and Sharon Stone
Directed by Pitof

"Purr"fectly Boring
By Michele Dillon

If this is where the list is going to start, I am not looking forward to the next lot of movies. I have seen Catwoman before and I thought it then and I think it now: one of the worst movies...ever. If not for the horrible script with the ample associations with what the screenwriter assumes to be "catspeak" (example: "what a purrrfect idea" or "whats the matter, cat got your tongue"), then it's for the horrible delivery of those lines by who is supposed to be one of the best actresses in film. Or at least, I thought that is what the "Best Actress" Oscar was that was given to her for Monster's Ball. Halle Berry may be attractive and she may be willing to get naked to show that she has got "talent", but she is no Best Actress in my book. I am not even going to go into detail about Sharon Stone because it is pretty much a given that she has made bad movie decisions since Basic Instinct 2 (which by the way, is also on the Worst of the Worst list). As if having a horrible script and acting isn't enough to ruin a movie, director Pitof was able to contribute more! The act of simply walking in her catsuit couldn't be completed by Berry alone, it had to be manipulated with computer generation making it seem like a video game. I can understand the scenes where she is jumping from building to building but I don't even remember Spiderman's graphics being that bad.
I guess I was just supposed to ignore all these details and pay attention to how great Berry's "berries" looked in a tight leather outfit (sorry for the poorly planned but intentional pun). Or maybe I was supposed to be drooling over Benjamin Bratt in his uniform. Instead, I was more like drooling on my pillow from falling asleep due to lack of entertainment.

The Idea

2009-08-26T16:37:00.001-07:00

I have just watched the movie Julie and Julia and even though it wasn't a fantastic movie, it got me inspired to, like the movie, come up with a project to do within a deadline and then blog about it. So, since I am a big movie buff, I thought of a pretty fun but possibly miserable idea. I am going to watch, what is deemed by the movie review site Rotten Tomatoes, The 100 Worst Movies and then write a review on each one of them. So the goal will be to watch 100 movies in 150 days (I'm going to try and give myself room to have a life on the side of this project). I will, for the sake of the public, watch these horrible movies as to see whether or not I agree with the general opinion that they, well, suck...OR if I end up liking a few of them.

Looking at the list I can already tell right now that I will not like most of this journey. I have, on my own accord, watched a few of the movies before and have deemed them to be on my own personal Worst Movies list, but I will have to endure them one more for the sake of this project.

I will post each movie and their review as I watch them. It will start at the 100th worst movie all the way down to the WORST movie of them all.